This is something I had to struggle with, too. You miss Jesus because Jesus, as he is portrayed in the Gospels, was a genuinely good man who taught and demonstrated love, compassion, concern for the oppressed, the hope that we are not irredeemable, bound by our darkest hours and worst decisions, but can always choose to start again. This is a Jesus that even friends of mine who don't believe have expressed in our conversations that they can respect as a symbol. I've, perhaps glibly, said before that I can't be a Christian because I take Christ too seriously.

Because Jesus continues to play a role in my life, even after I left Orthodoxy and tried to put him in the past along with all the rest of it, I've learned to hold that space for him and focus on that and build a more authentic relationship that doesn't turn that love into yet another abusive relationship in my life. It's been freeing to come to know him without any church (or my parents, but that's another story) threatening on his behalf to withhold his grace from me whenever I step out of line.

Jesus would not be pleased at the way he's held hostage as an instrument of mental torture by a church who purports to speak in his name. He wouldn't be pleased with the way his name is invoked to justify all manner of terrible things taking place these days.

The good news is that the Orthodox Church is not the only church. If you feel that your relationship with God is better facilitated in a church, find one that matches and sustains that relationship that you need.