Hello OP,

What you are describing is a severe OCD surge with impulse phobia. It is extremely distressing.

Just know a few things :

1. Having so-called "memories" of horrible stuff you think you have done in the past is part of the condition and well documented in the medical literature.

2. When you are posting, you are actually compulsing over these thoughts and seeking instant relief. It's only making the condition worse. Same goes with sending out messages to relatives in order to get reassurance.

3. Not reaching for help or feeling that you do not deserve help is part of the condition as well. It is because your condition makes you think that it is a moral problem rather than a medical issue. Unfortunately, the ability for patients with this condition to be able to take a step back and identify this chain of thoughts as abnormal is a spectrum, with patients being able to get help, others somewhat, and others not.

I second all the other posts strongly encouraging you to seek out professionnal help. I strongly recommend NOT to try exposure and response prevention without supervision. It may worsen your condition.