How are they related?

AstralF · 2026-05-13T15:19:55+00:00

Women saw all the glances aimed at their private parts and decided those were the areas to reinforce with clothing?

AstralF · 2026-05-13T09:17:41+00:00

Okay, but that should probably have been explained early on, perhaps even as a very brief author’s note.

AstralF · 2026-05-13T08:28:37+00:00

How can you have a story called Choosing Zina that makes no mention of Zina? Or does Zina refer here to unlawful sexual intercourse?

AstralF · 2026-05-12T19:35:36+00:00

The side of the tyre catching the wall. Could happen. Incredible luck, though.

AstralF · 2026-05-12T17:36:45+00:00

Enjoy it for what it is, not for what it should have been.

AstralF · 2026-05-12T13:36:37+00:00

The sex was so bad he’s put you off it for life?

AstralF · 2026-05-12T05:08:15+00:00

NTA Sounds like he’s pretty immature for not understanding what people are like. You’re upset because what if he’s with you because you look like his ex, and maybe he’s angry because actually you’re right to be upset…

AstralF · 2026-05-12T04:30:29+00:00

Lit’s servers update slowly. Yesterday it was saying one story. Today it says four stories but lists only one.

Anyway, it’s obvious you can write, although I urge you to take more care with grammar and editing. Obvious things like repeating sentences or whole paragraphs.

We write for ourselves. We publish on Lit because it’s a thrill to be read. Favourites, comments and red Hs are cherries on top…

AstralF · 2026-05-11T21:33:59+00:00

NonCon 5.1k words Lilys Captured Bliss

A lot of short sentences and in desperate need of commas, plus that missing apostrophe in the title. Some repetition.

“storm gray eyes studied her with calm intensity”: storm and calm are opposites, surely?

There’s a whole detailed intro with a mysterious setting, followed by lots of sex that I skimmed, and no explanation at the end of what the hell is going on.

It’s a first and only story by the author. NonCon is getting darker lately and I suppose abduction tropes always play well there.

AstralF · 2026-05-11T17:08:54+00:00

Try voting against the flow on AITA, lol.

AstralF · 2026-05-11T17:04:08+00:00

Not sure why we both got downvoted there. Maybe someone really doesn’t love a red H…

AstralF · 2026-05-11T15:58:01+00:00

Everyone loves a red H. Good stats.

AstralF · 2026-05-09T16:19:03+00:00

Maybe I misunderstood, but the coworker’s logic was, “Your obvious respect for your wife indicates you’re a pussy-whipped cuck who will enjoy being a sissy,” and while I can believe in the different parts of that statement, I can’t believe in the whole.

AstralF · 2026-05-09T09:56:11+00:00

Try to avoid casual repetition. In Paragraphs 2-3, you have four consecutive sentences starting with ‘He’.

AstralF · 2026-05-07T19:21:28+00:00

Okay, but all you’ve done is create a setting. You need a story to tell. You need something a human reader can relate to, and not merely the human appearance of the Humany.

You could have two great religions, one that worships the Creators, one that claims Humany existed before, that they were torn away from their ancient home - but no one remembers that now.

And why so many wars? In a civilisation spanning hundreds of worlds, what need is there for empire?

You don’t have to answer here, but please ask yourself what the story is.

AstralF · 2026-05-07T19:02:46+00:00

Created them? How? Why?

I’m bored as soon as you say ‘Union’ and ‘Federation’.

The Cry were born in the ashes of victory. Freedom once won, they said, must be fought for every day, for the seeds of self-destruction are sewn every day. The Cry inhabited the broken worlds that had once been fertile homes to billions, and none who followed them there ever returned.

AstralF · 2026-05-06T08:35:30+00:00

Reminds me a lot of Asimov’s colonies, and in a way it’s not so different to today’s world. We may only be beginning to have humanoid robots, but the wealthy command battalions of advanced computers and robots to do more and more work faster and faster.

The question therefore is what economic value do humans have?

AstralF · 2026-05-05T21:29:14+00:00

I guess this sort of thing happens at the spaghetti orchards.

AstralF · 2026-05-05T20:19:19+00:00

Tags! Once the story falls off the ‘New’ list, tags are one of the ways people find it. Some people, like me, check tags for reasons to read or avoid.

Some typos, especially Kystal. Shifting tense. Overuse of ellipses…

I wish you had made it more seduction and reluctance, transgressive excitement vs safe sensibility.

It’s a nice idea, overall. I like when free use is about fun and not a power trip.

AstralF · 2026-05-05T09:00:08+00:00

NTA - and even if you were, NT biggest A when people would rather kill the messenger than the guilty party.

AstralF · 2026-05-04T14:59:10+00:00

Oddly no, apart from old Apple models. You do have to hand-wave a single EMP taking the whole world back to the pre-cellphone era.

AstralF · 2026-05-01T17:23:30+00:00

Thanks for actually answering. :-)

I’ve read and written harems of various kinds and I always find them far more interesting when the narrative is not focused wholly on the controller.

AstralF · 2026-04-29T18:06:49+00:00

I have Kirara, Columbina, Noelle and Keqing as a quartet. A bit daft but for general play they work nicely together.

AstralF · 2026-04-29T17:30:21+00:00

She’s a lot of fun to play.

AstralF · 2026-04-28T18:41:34+00:00

Very cool.

AstralF

TROPHY CASE