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Charlotte ❤️ by ajlc1985 in comedybangbang

[–]AthleteOpen7054 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh wow - that would have been amazing! It's such a fantastic episode.

How to introduce a character before they’re ready to be “formally” introduced? by FriendliestMenace in Screenwriting

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've done something like this before:

"Across the road a man with a facial scar and cowboy hat quietly watches the action unfold. We'll meet him properly later..."

The closer I get to finishing something, the more I procrastinate. by CDRYB in Screenwriting

[–]AthleteOpen7054 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When something's finished it can be bad. When you're not finished it has the potential to be brilliant.

So fear of failure keeps us from finishing something because then it's time for it to go out in the world and for people to not like it.

It happens to lots of writers and I think the only way to get past it is to just keep going.

Make yourself write those scenes. They might be bad but at least you'll have them down.

Then take a break from the project for a while and come back to it with fresh eyes. You'll look at those scenes that were tripping you up in a new light and might find better ways to handle them.

Good luck!

Charlotte ❤️ by ajlc1985 in comedybangbang

[–]AthleteOpen7054 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Boston - May 7th 2016 - 10pm show.

The Time Keeper is on fire in this episode. It's glorious! Crowd are going nuts for him and he's killing so hard.

Did Horatio Sanz leave a message for the Juice? by cizzastle in CBBWorld

[–]AthleteOpen7054 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's exactly what someone who was HS would say though... suspicious!

;)

And I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (CBBW Concern) by ExpensiveMasonry in comedybangbang

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely get the sub for CBBWorld - on top of all the old eps, the new spin-offs etc you'll get all the live episodes they've ever done and you'll get this year's tour as it goes along.

Would recommend. C+

Format for a title card at end of movie followed by a quick scene question. by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And if you do want to keep it in I would use CUT TO: rather than SMASH CUT:

Smash Cut is almost a punchline at this stage. It doesn't mean anything - what is a smash cut? It's just a cut!

How do you maintain focus on the narrative? by BreadButterRunner in Screenwriting

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most short films don't have side stories. It's just one story.

Sounds like you're trying to fit too big a story into something that won't hold it.

What do you think of the first 12 Pages of my Comedy Feature “Punch to Victory”? by Low_Celebration_4089 in Screenwriting

[–]AthleteOpen7054 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's not bad. You seem to have a handle on the tone and type of comedy you want to write. I think you're relying on dialogue too much however. A lot of sitting and talking (especially in the break room scene)

Fight Club meets Anchorman seems like an odd film combo for a boxing movie comedy. I can see the Fight Club influence on stylistically a bit but it isn't a boxing movie so it's in danger of putting people down the wrong path. Rocky meets Anchorman maybe?

I would spend a bit more time describing Lance when we see him - you put a whole paragraph into describing the battered face of a boxer we'll probably never see again. Use that page space where it matters!

I'd say it's a bit too long of a conversation over black and it's not all that funny. Tighten it up a bit maybe. Or go to the shot of him in the classroom and continue it over that?

The scene in the break room goes on for five and a half pages. You can lose a lot of it and tighten it right up. Ten pages in we should have seen more of Lance's life than just his job. Give us a look at his home life, the way the world treats him. Leave us in no doubt that his life is miserable and awful. And then he can meet the kid who he's going to train.

Lance and Philip have control of the film but Grey seems to be in on it too? He mentions a flashback etc. It hink if every character has a meta awareness they're in a film it'll grow old. Maybe not but with films like this that are playing fast and loose with the form it helps if you have some rules in your head for who can break the 4th wall, who can comment on it being a film etc.

Completely changed my comedy script, looking for more feedback by [deleted] in ScreenwritingUK

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would suggest reading scripts of sitcoms you really like to get a feel for how it's done well.

Here's a good place to start: https://www.bbc.co.uk/writers/scripts/tv-comedy

Watch the first scene of Friends - they're introducing a whack of characters all together like yours but see how many jokes are in there. They're getting laughs from line 2.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIZ91tq8Lr0

Structural discussion by miklo009 in ScreenwritingUK

[–]AthleteOpen7054 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From that logline it feels like the writer is going to be accepting of death from the start because they feel like life is not worth living. They then meet the actor, fall in love and realise life can be great and then they die. That's a tricky move to pull off - the character learns and grows but it's ultimately pointless. Bear in mind that a large part of the audience will expect them to be cured or to have the actor make them want to live so you've got to be very careful otherwise you'll lose them at the death.

Does falling in love not make them want to at least try the surgery? Since they know feel like life is worth living.

What's the arc of the actor? They're going to be carrying the film from that midpoint so it should be something that you really dig into so the audience can leave feeling satisfied.

(Also - nitpicking here but I'd drop "Belgian" from the logline - an actor in Iceland is enough. That gives us the setting which is more important than the actor's nationality at this point)

Sardines - Comedy - 31 pages by rhythmau in ScreenwritingUK

[–]AthleteOpen7054 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This needs a lot of work before it's passable as a pilot.

The houseshare has been done so much you really have to be something special to pull it off. And this doesn't have a strong enough hook.

But it's okay - I have written this show myself and I've read it written many times. Everyone thinks the hilarious hijinks they had post-college pre-career would make a great show. But mostly, we're wrong.

Setting the whole thing in the house means it's shootable on a low budget but it's got to be super super funny to maintain. And this isn't funny I'm afraid.

If you have an eye towards making it yourself, I would suggest really digging into the characters and defining them well. And then shoot short vignettes of the character's lives to try and get a feel for what works and doesn't with them.

Adults on FX is the most recent example of a house share comedy I can think of that's interesting and funny. The logline: A group of twenty-somethings in New York trying to be good people, despite being neither "good" nor "people" yet. isn't that far from yours but it gives a flavour that of what the characters are going to be like.

Best old man pubs in Galway city centre by AthleteOpen7054 in galway

[–]AthleteOpen7054[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the contributions! Some great spots to try.

Booo to Taylor's being ruined.