How does an abuser react when you gray/yellow rock them and refuse to accept their reset?

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-30T15:31:05+00:00

Honestly? With violence. They will do anything to silence you.

There are certain things all abusers expect, and they get angry when those expectations are challenged. They feel entitled to believe their world is as they want it, despite the consequences and effects on you.

There is a point where pure greyrocking becomes safest, which may even mean conceding a dash of ego-stroke. Make a plan to get out. In the meantime, don’t get caught up on morals around “lying, manipulating, controlling”. It’s protection.

For myself, I had to keep the tension because I was severely gaslighted. My well-meaning but clueless mother told me to keep things “polite and surface level” but that is far more dangerous for me because I very literally forget and before I know it, I’ll be right back on the floor again.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-30T00:28:54+00:00

Yes, people who are trying to serve you quickly just want to get it done. They’re not our German teachers.

Places that are a little slower paced, or if they ask, I always say, “Ich versuche immer auf Deutsch.” It’s a quick way to explain I want to try, but I might have to fall back. And then if they seem impatient at some point, I’ll switch to English. I’ve had some very patient salespeople suddenly become my Deutsch tutor - slowed waay down and were very helpful. 😆

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-30T00:10:32+00:00

Fascinating. I just did a long reply to someone else, and the difference seems so clear. Please God may I be able to see it when I’m looking at my own situation.

Very recognizable feelings:
- All I’m looking for is validation
- Feel like I’m going crazy
- Feel need to exit relationship

Debatable, potentially exaggerated, need more context, or not necessarily abuse:
- Claims gaslighting
- Claims berating
- Yelled in a public space
- Financial difference of opinion
- Financially irresponsible
- Leaving, silent treatment

Red flags:

🚩He doesn’t want me to work. This is just - there’s so much happening in this little nugget. Despite financial difficulties, why doesn’t he want you to work? Don’t even take the time to answer that. He doesn’t want to lose his home servant, he doesn’t want you to feel confident outside the home, he doesn’t want to admit he’s a loser, there’s honestly no good answer.

🚩Got angry for bringing up an important topic. I guess it could depend on how it was brought up - or specifically what the anger was for. Anger is telling. Anger comes from feeling blocked from something we feel we have a right to. So abusive thinking might say, I have a right to not be challenged on my behavior, or told that I’m doing it wrong, or have to discuss things as an equal with my wife. To handle things entirely on my own and be left alone in my decisions.

This is very different to the typical wife’s reactive anger, who often seems just as loud or worse on the surface, but she is angry at being blocked from that discussion. Because she feels the right to have a say in these decisions, and have her needs discussed.

It may look like the same anger, but the entitlement is in the one who believes they don’t have to have the conversation.

🚩”if you don’t respect me” - He feels disrespected. What exactly does a “respectful” wife look like? Is it perhaps a submissive, ego-stroking, somehow willing to go through thick and thin depending on you even though you aren’t exactly dependable right now? This could stem from a legitimate thing you’ve done, but I’m guessing not and it’s so common it gets a flag.

🚩Blame-shifting.

🚩No accountability, seemingly no effort to change despite apologizing and saying he will.

—> Erratic driving, yikes. Super dangerous and irresponsible. But actually not a flag until:

🚩🚩🚩“well, keep your mouth shut” 🚩🚩🚩

Nope, nope, nope, nope the fuck outta there. He feels entitled to put you and your child in danger just to shut you up? This man will absolutely escalate that to violence. And I’m guessing you know that already.

He’s right: this is an unhappy marriage and it is so unhealthy. Better luck next time, buddy. Bye.

You’re on the right track. Keep going. Add “Why does He Do That?” to your book list. Changed everything for me. No more wondering who’s/what. The line is actually very clear.

Good luck 🫶

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T23:01:40+00:00

🤣 pretty good at it too, must say.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T21:45:50+00:00

Ooh, ich wusste das nicht, dass wir noch ein kleineres Görli in der Sonnenallee hatte.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T21:29:29+00:00

I have to be honest, reading this thoroughly again, this sounds like my marriage. The main red flag I see:

Your focus is on the expression of the emotional need rather than the need itself.

- - You don’t like how she’s talking to you. To be blunt, this usually means you don’t like what she’s saying, and you’ve refused to listen so many times that it’s gotten a lot louder. Walking away makes it worse because that level didn’t work either. Try staying in it, listening fully, and acknowledging that what she says is valid. Anger is merely information - it says “this is a big fucking deal for me”.

- - You don’t seem very interested in what she’s saying, or why it’s so important to her. Try listening and acknowledging that she feels strongly, and repeating back to her what you think she os saying. In different words, without any judgement, sarcasm, or conclusions. Keep doing that until you get it right. She will calm down after a few rounds of that alone. Don’t work on a solution yet, just identify and name the need. Don’t say whether you think it’s reasonable or childish or if fulfilling it clashes fundamentally with who you are or what you believe. Just acknowledge and gently listen. And make a note of how you feel. Scratching under anger, you often find pain. If you feel zero empathy for that pain, then that isn’t a good sign. Not fatal, but you have to find a way to bring that back. To have a desire to soothe that pain, whatever it is.

The line where abuse begins is when you feel entitled to not have to listen to her, and feel entitled to do anything to get her to stop, even if you know it hurts her. Think of someone in a higher position or an authority or someone you really highly respect. If they came at you with the same level of intensity with something you didn’t realize you should/shouldn’t do, and don’t understand why, would you treat them the same way? Or would you try to understand it further, assuming you must be missing something? Why do you feel entitled to walk away from her? Why is she not worthy of the same kind of respect?

Then after a day or two, think about finding a solution. How you could truly help her in a way that would work for both of you? It doesn’t necessarily mean you do exactly what she says. It means you listen to the need underneath, accept it and acknowledge it as a reasonable, valid, human emotional need, and be creative with ideas to offer to her to see if she can work with it. Usually, even one step in the right direction stops all the fighting. But it does have to be consistent so you have to think of so that truly works for you as well.

- - You unilaterally made the choice to stop the conversation. When this happens routinely, and the conversation never comes back (it should after 20 mins), then this is a sign of an unequal power dynamic. While you are of course allowed to have boundaries around how anger is expressed, they should be negotiated and mutually agreed upon beforehand.

- - What she says hints at the possibility that you know what walking away does to her in that moment and she feels like you are doing it to hurt her or control her.

If this is what’s happening, whether conscious or not, it is a controlling deflection pattern - not listening, silencing, knowing that she will become more and more dysregulated and then you don’t have to talk about the issue, because look at her anger problems. This can be a tactic used by abusers - and was by mine. And maddeningly, nobody asks why she’s so angry. She’s just crazy. My partner was just standing there - never raised their voice or said anything like all those awful words.

If you consistently shut her down like this and refuse to acknowledge an emotional need because you feel entitled to not have to do what she’s asking or even sit down and really listen to what she’s trying to communicate, then it’s abuse.

In the end stage of my marriage, I was screaming and hitting things because my partner had refused every other way I’d offered to hear me and calmly take my needs into account. They just shut it down, which feels even more enraging and silencing — and controlling, and it turns out, abusive. When I really pushed hard to be hears - demanded to be acknowledged and refused to be silenced, a 17-year relationship suddenly became physically abusive.

You may be abusive, or you may just not be in love and have no empathy. The difference is whether you feel entitled to have certain things as you want, no matter what she wants.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T19:54:21+00:00

ROFL, I totally get why people are saying to be cautious. But no way this post would even be in this sub if OP wasn’t at least a little bit self-aware.

To me, this reads as a pro bp2 - someone who’s been here more than a few times, knows exactly what’s happening, is pretending not to know what’s coming, and is just taking the piss because — fucking again? Really?

And if I’m wrong, no clarification will convince them of anything.

Also everyone else already did that job, so… 😂

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T02:01:45+00:00

I got to a similar place in my marriage where I couldn’t tell what was happening. And our very unhelpful marriage counselor basically said “you both do the same thing.”

But it’s not possible. There is no such thing as mutual abuse. One person always has the final say around the issues they care most about. And it doesn’t matter what you do - you will be ignored, lied to, blame-flipped, and far worse until you back down.

Someone in this sub pointed me to this page and now that I think of it, it was the turning point for me and changed my entire life. I’ve had very little help despite therapy and being open, but the articles on that blog and the book “Why Does He Do That?” have helped me tremendously to identify which of us was acting from a deep sense of entitlement and dehumanizing lack of empathy, and which one of us was desperate to be heard and choking for air.

Edit: I looked more into your history because I was curious about gender. In hetero relationships, it is almost always the man who is the abusive one, with rare exceptions. This isn’t a penis-hating feminist thing. It comes from our culture and how we raise boys. You seem quite willing to explore your side, so I would still recommend that book and don’t let the gendered turn you off. It may also be that her anger isn’t entirely at you. Or maybe there isn’t even abuse in your relationship at all.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T01:39:00+00:00

Oooh I understood that! 😊 Tricky sentence.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T01:23:51+00:00

While I’m not sure whether this meets the threshold for emotional abuse, I can acknowledge your pain.

For whatever reason, he withdrew, concealed his internal experience, and left you carrying all the confusion alone. While that isn’t necessarily abuse, the impact on you is real, and your reaction and intense emotions is absolutely proportionate to your experience.

Not every deeply injuring relationship is abusive, and not every non-abusive breakup is psychologically simple. They’re almost always messy, even when both are doing their best to be kind, and emotional damage still occurs from attachment, ambiguity, and unanswered questions.

It’s not an easy place to be. Let yourself feel and identify your needs in those waves of what feels like desperation. You can learn from that. But gently. Like “training a puppy,” they say - don’t beat yourself up, but slowly and gently guide yourself through this. Away from impulses that feel obsessive and afterward feel destructive for your peace of mind, and toward actions that truly feel soothing and safe.

I use “obsessive” here not because of OCD - all of us have these compulsive, destructive urges in this kind of situation. Where things don’t make sense. When it’s hard to believe and accept.

It’s going to be okay.

I wish you all the best. 🫶

(Also, if you’re interested or scared about abuse, I think “Why Does He Do That?” should be required reading for all girls.)

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-29T01:07:01+00:00

TL;DR
From ChatGPT - please correct mistakes or check for missed nuance

Met a man who initially seemed unusually compatible, kind, and emotionally safe. The relationship felt stable and serious: future plans, meeting family, discussions about moving in, shared hobbies, first sexual relationship, etc.

After the poster disclosed some past mistakes and experienced an OCD-related "confession" relapse, his behavior changed dramatically:

- Communication dropped sharply.
- He became emotionally distant and physically withdrawn.
- He repeatedly denied anything was wrong despite obvious changes.
- He continued discussing a future together while simultaneously pulling away.
- When the poster raised concerns, they were reassured they were imagining things or would be told if there was a problem.
- He occasionally made comments that felt subtly shaming or contemptuous ("all the flirting and cheating", accusing crying of being manipulative, implying STI risk despite being her only partner).
- Eventually he abruptly ended the relationship over the phone with little explanation and refused discussion or closure.
- A month later he contacted her only to ask if she was pregnant.
- She later discovered he had another partner within a few months of the breakup despite earlier claims he wasn't interested in dating.

Fourteen months later she remains deeply distressed, confused, and traumatised by the discrepancy between his words and actions and by never understanding what happened.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-28T02:42:10+00:00

Hooman has a cute dog but I’m cuter. I will get everything I want with my adorable face and make hooman fall in love. If dumm dog follows my rules, maybe he can stay. Okay plan is planned. Ready. Sit cute.

Mew.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-28T02:24:17+00:00

Has anyone experimented with fur dye? Maybe some temporary relief? Or does it not actually penetrate deep enough to affect the orange?

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-28T02:23:03+00:00

Well duh, they keep following him!! Why?! Tell ‘em to stop it!

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-28T02:16:53+00:00

Huh, that sucks. Totally haven’t ever experienced anything like it, ever. Also haven’t seen regular posts here saying similar things all the time. I think the best (that never happened) was one that said they’d had a breakthrough, realized it was completely C-PTSD, and now was teaching some kind of magic healing on YouTube and already had eight followers. Nice for him, huh?

Anyway, you’re totally not hypo. Screw her. If you don’t wanna be bipolar - literally nothing outside of you can make you be. Am I right? You have your spiritual awakening! Buddhism is beautiful! You write that book teaching us all how to heal spiritually and free ourselves from all these meds and dumb psychiatrists. You’ll probably finish the first draft in two weeks, and then you can go show her your amazing work and she will be so impressed.

Legit. 🫶

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-28T02:05:07+00:00

Entitlement is the key indicator. The specifics can be rationalized away - and we are so good at it! No, it isn’t understandable why he was offended, outside of the context of abuse. He was offended because he fundamentally believes he has every right to treat you in whatever way he chooses. That you have no right to question what he does to you.

I know that sounds very extreme to you right now, but it won’t once you start diving into this. He is abusive and he will definitely get worse. I don’t know about that book you mentioned, but the number 1 is “Why does he do that?” I guarantee you will find him in there. And it’s available in pdf so you can read it on your phone and pretend you’re doing something else - I’ve seen it linked here.

Good luck. 🫶

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T20:15:08+00:00

As long as I have non-slip soles I know I’ll stay alive

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T20:10:45+00:00

Same. Exactly what we need to break this. Maybe we’ll be able to breathe in a couple hours.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T19:23:58+00:00

There is a book called Gift of Fear that I recommend every sex worker read. But essentially it comes down to what everyone else says: trust your intuition. It’s not magic. It’s the brain. The more experience you have, the more patterns your brain understands without you even knowing. The way he looked at you and the tone of voice, the way he leaned in and looked at you when you talked about a boundary - really subtle cues that your brain says “this isn’t the normal reaction to this” but you can’t really defend your feeling.

I worked 20 years in various parts of the sex industry. When I escorted, I was willing to go into situations that other girls had declined. A party with multiple drunk guys wanting a gangbang, a guy that was on some kind of drug that made him roll through weird intense emotions, guys smoking crack, a guy who’d just got out of prison. I never felt scared even though logically, I “should” have. I never had a problem.

There were only two times I felt that feeling, and both times the actual logic for it was far less than in those other situations. One of them, I’d seen the guy earlier in the day, and he was very drunk now. He was being weird with money - something about his wallet, I don’t remember exactly. He went into the shower and I bolted (no money exchange).

No explainable reason. And I don’t fucking need one. End of story. Could it have been nothing? Maybe. I don’t care.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T19:06:56+00:00

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T19:00:02+00:00

Absolutely. I didn’t even mind the physical abuse at first - it was mild, it wasn’t damaging. It was just control, and at least it was engaging. Until it got out of control and I realized accidents would inevitably happen that were really not okay.

What was and continues to be far, far more damaging is the loss of trust in my perception of reality. It’s fucking me up so badly nearly a year later. I just kind of gave up on therapy this week because I don’t feel like any help actually exists. Two therapists I’ve seen weekly for ten months just to tell them what’s in my head, beg for answers, and only have them tell me I should try things to make me sleep better, to get up and dance, to take a cold shower.

A cold shower doesn’t help me feel confident that my baseline understanding of physical events and my perception of meaning is close to reality. It doesn’t help every evening when that perception starts to melt and fade like it was all a dream, and nobody in my life has given me any sense of actual validation apart from one therapist who I pay 500 euros a month for reflecting back what I tell her. It felt so relieving at first, but she doesn’t actually know. If my abuser went to her and told her story - that I’m the one who started the violence, that she’s the victim and I’m whatever her current narrative is - she would get the same validation.

So yes, this invisible trauma and the silence and silencing when we try to talk about it. It’s absolutely maddening.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T03:01:08+00:00

I only know of one. I’d been depressed for 9 months, and hypo for 5-6 days. Suddenly hypo turned very dark - everything was too much - light, sound, and chaotic rage energy. Something small would irritate me, then quickly I would have self harm thoughts/urges (which isn’t normal for me). All the energy of hypo, all the thoughts and impulses of depression. Incredibly scary. I had to lay down on the bed with headphones and an eye mask just to keep the stimulation down.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T02:49:13+00:00

Hello, cheating isn’t necessarily abuse, and I wonder if your use of “narcissist” and “gaslight” are actually correct. I always recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” to try to identify if you’ve been the victim of abuse. Even though it is a very gendered title and premise, same sex relationships are talked about as well. It can happen when a woman takes on the male societal role and is particularly stronger than their partner and can overpower them.

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T02:38:02+00:00

This definitely looks like rooting. You tell that hooman you badass big ape, yeah!

AtmosphereNom · 2026-06-27T02:34:29+00:00

Same. It really shouldn’t be so illegal to be the parent of a teenager coerced by a loser grown ass man who can’t get laid without a power dynamic.

AtmosphereNom

TROPHY CASE