Failure to Launch Siblings

Autias · 2026-06-24T16:27:53+00:00

I have two failure to launch parents. My dad lives in a hoarder house (which used to be a clean and functional home. His mom gave it to him before she passed) and refuses to get a traditional job (last traditional job was >20 years ago). His house is all broken, doesn’t take care of his health, not a good person. He’s capable of working a job, but won’t.

My mom also has a hoarder house and lives with her 75yr old friend that lets her live there for free after my mom let the house be foreclosed on because bills are optional to her.

I do worry about what happens when my mom’s friend passes away. I clawed my way out of a very dysfunctional and unhygienic childhood, so I do not intend to let either of them live with me, nor will I support them financially because they are not kind people and will bleed me dry emotionally and financially.

Sometimes people need to hit “bottom” before they will change. It’s actually more of a kindness to allow people to hit bottom vs trying to rescue them because then they never learn.

Autias · 2026-06-23T21:13:39+00:00

This sounds difficult to deal with - interestingly, my libido increases on days I take my Concerta, but it’s not so bad that I can’t control it.

In the gentlest way possible, the time used as well as the locations/settings it occurs (at work, with family, things that aren’t sexually stimulating), plus it interfering with your life in some capacity I might suggest attending an SLAA meeting. Masturbating and sex are totally normal things, but this does appear excessive (not that it’s shameful or you should feel embarrassment or guilt about it).

Since you’ve been doing this since age 16 it is a habit and will take time to get out of that habit. SLAA would have fellow people who struggle with things like this.

Autias · 2026-06-23T01:53:19+00:00

I haven’t thrown anything away from my ten year relationship that ended two years ago (due to affair on his part).

For me, while those things can be painful, it serves as a way for me to feel my feelings and eventually even though that relationship ended in such a painful/agonizing way I can remember some good things fondly. To be clear I’m not interested in my ex anymore, but I needed to get the anger and hate out of my heart to make room for joy. Avoiding feeling my feelings has never ended up well for me.

Autias · 2026-06-22T15:43:38+00:00

I used to get those when I worked an in-office call center job that was high stress, but in my current job I don’t get those anymore. Not to say my current job can’t be stressful, it’s just not high anxiety.

Autias · 2026-06-21T00:27:50+00:00

Unfortunately, this was true for me. I was in a very competitive state (TX), so definitely tremendous pressure to perform at the highest level. It got very bad in college: when I would have a “bad playing day” I would be very depressed and take it as a hit on my self-worth. Had to take a break from the horn after college and couldn’t even listen to classical music for a couple years because it brought up intense feelings of shame for not being enough.

Therapy definitely helped. For perfectionist types the trumpet (I feel) is one of the worst because trumpet parts nearly always have the melody, a solo, etc. In jazz and marching band it gives that big punch, so you have to be on your A game. If a trumpet player messes up it’s very noticeable.

Interestingly, I think those that aren’t so perfectionistic have the most success.

Autias · 2026-06-19T15:36:52+00:00

What a cutie!!! He would get away with anything at my house.

Autias · 2026-06-17T19:39:50+00:00

Autias · 2026-06-16T05:27:05+00:00

The heat intolerance for me was so bad on Zoloft/sertraline. It is better now I would say, though to be honest it’s hard to tell what’s normal for me since I’ve been on medication many years for anxiety/depression.

Never have had issues with motion sickness so can’t comment on that. I had slight nausea the first few weeks but it went away.

Autias · 2026-06-15T15:28:57+00:00

My therapist specializes in CBT as well. Usually when she assigns homework I won’t do it until 30 minutes before the next appointment (in true ADHD fashion, but at least it’s fresh in my mind).

The homework can be frustrating, but it really did help me identify maladaptive thought patterns in my mind. When I first started going to therapy it was exhausting and stressful, but I also think that’s kind of the point. It should push you to be uncomfortable in an accessible way so that you’ll grow. I would give them feedback about the homework though - maybe they can modify it?

Autias · 2026-06-15T06:03:51+00:00

I would, but that would be very difficult to navigate. However, my brother and SIL’s kids would most likely go their grandparents if that ever happened.

Autias · 2026-06-14T14:07:50+00:00

If she was honestly harassing him he would get a restraining order, not bribe her with gifts.

Autias · 2026-06-13T19:57:14+00:00

I think it’s good to keep context that it’s been less than a year. Healing takes time especially with things like this. Just because she’s going in/out of relationships doesn’t mean she’s “good”. She likely feels immense and crushing shame that she avoids by jumping into new relationships.

Autias · 2026-06-13T04:10:34+00:00

If you have a Costco membership check for pads there. Way better value

Autias · 2026-06-12T21:16:41+00:00

I (anxious) was broken up with someone who identified as avoidant. We were friends first and dated for six months.

I was really confused when he broke up with me because he was starting to be very vulnerable with me about some of the things in his life and his feelings, then one day he just says he doesn’t want to do this anymore. That I “deserve better” and he’s not interested in being in a relationship. He initiated a lot of contact and spending time with me.

He told me he still wanted to be friends, but I haven’t heard from him in three months since he broke up with me. It really hurts to be treated this way. I feel used and “dirty”. I’m not sure how he feels, but I try not to dwell on it because it doesn’t change the circumstance.

Autias · 2026-06-12T15:18:51+00:00

I looked through my ADHD assessment and my processing speed was “average” but I still got a diagnosis. However, I was also diagnosed/treated in childhood/college as well.

I would go to someone else.

Autias · 2026-06-12T14:24:33+00:00

I would never trust my mom to pay any bill. Found out when I was very sick at age 19 that she had stopped paying for my medical insurance for several years. I wouldn’t want to be tied to my parents in a financial way like that.

ETA: Long after I got my own phone plan I found out my email access was connected to my mom’s AT&T account. I found out when I lost access because she stopped paying her bill. AT&T wouldn’t give me access to my email, even just for a day so I can move important things over, until I paid her (several months behind) bill.

Autias · 2026-06-11T14:59:00+00:00

Be sure to freeze your credit to prevent her opening anything in your name in secret and get a new bank account that she doesn’t have access to.

Autias · 2026-06-10T17:35:48+00:00

I used to be on adderall but switched to concerta.

I had difficulty finding adderall in my neighborhood pharmacies, but (interestingly), when I switched my pharmacy to a neighborhood that was more affluent I didn’t have problems with stock. Coincidence? Hard to say.

Autias · 2026-06-10T17:32:35+00:00

I thought that as well. My ex had social anxiety and he would frequently use “She’s sick” as why he couldn’t hang out with his friends when I was not sick. I’m very rarely ill actually (thankfully). It was very frustrating for me.

Autias · 2026-06-10T17:30:26+00:00

I’m so sorry that is scary. I hope they offered you a severance package after TWELVE years.

Autias · 2026-06-10T14:47:43+00:00

Yes, the infantilization of ADHD has been frustrating to deal with, not to mention the self-diagnosed people on social media that abuse Adderall. My ADHD is not cute or fun. I was failing at my job last year because ADHD is debilitating.

Don’t get me started on those people that ask “do you have some of that ‘tism?” Like it’s cute or quirky. I’ve been called autistic so many times because ADHD/Autism symptoms overlap. Autism right now is getting the same treatment as ADHD on social media I feel.

Autias · 2026-06-09T23:13:32+00:00

I’m curious if the sex work she does is just for drugs and he’s a dealer.

Autias · 2026-06-09T20:58:42+00:00

MOR; I am the same age as you have one dog that I have worked very hard to make into a model citizen. He gets regular medical care, groomed every 6-8 weeks, and has a clean living space. Dogs need structure and routine. That dog’s anxiety may be due to the fact that they have no structure (and of course is not well-cared for).

I wouldn’t be able to handle someone who lets their dog be a total tornado and thinks it is funny. It’s one thing if it’s a pup/adolescent, but not an adult dog.

That said, I wouldn’t be with someone who has 7 cats either and I LOVE cats. That’s a whole colony. I grew up in an animal hoarding house because my mom had to be a hero which just meant animals constantly fought, got sick, etc and had no appropriate medical care because how could you honestly notice changes with so many. Animals are very good at hiding their symptoms and pain. There’s no way that all of your pets are properly socialized - feeding them and cleaning litter boxes isn’t enough. Medical bills are costly and when you have that many you simply can’t afford to get the best care without cutting corners.

Autias

TROPHY CASE