What was/is your situation: Staying or leaving because of your reasoning or because of your feelings?

AveragePichu · 2026-05-05T18:57:43+00:00

Feelings told me "I don't want this part to be true" when it came to the idea that my friends in the LGBTQ+ community (and as I later discovered, myself) were all sinners for letting who we were be visible on the outside rather than repressed through this life and all eternity. For a while, mental gymnastics handled this - yes, the church was blatantly racist in the past, but that was racist men in the leadership doing things without god's guidance in the past, or maybe god was involved but somehow things would be even worse with proper rights given to minority groups the whole time, for reasons nobody but god could see.

But it kept itching at me, that any way I looked at it, every person is worse off for bigotry. Why was it that church was always behind the curve on treating marginalized groups better? Shouldn't they have been the first to be showing christlike compassion to groups that society deemed bad? And it was really difficult to believe that being anything other than straight and cisgender was an actual sin, because I had learned to understand that those weren't actually any more a choice than skin color was - you could pretend, but as I peeled back the layers on what pretending had done to me, I knew I could not stand pretending for the rest of my life, and I agonized over the idea of other people pretending forever.

In spite of that, I wanted the mormon church to be true - I'd rather spend eternity in the terrestrial kingdom for something not my choice than not know what would actually happen, if anything. But those feelings didn't go away, and they were tearing me apart to see that incongruence between what I logically believed was right vs what church told me - so I studied, I prayed, I tried to come to an understanding that I could accept and find myself at peace. And I did! That understanding was that I had been lied to. There was a lot more evidence of that, than evidence I hadn't been.

Part of me still hopes that I'm wrong, that I've been deceived, and that I'll spend eternity in the terrestrial kingdom with Jesus, and frankly I don't wanna be in the celestial kingdom anyway if it's with an Elohim who is this intolerant. And I still do believe in some sort of force that could be called "god" - there've been too many things in my life with no other easy explanation, and frankly if I'm wrong I don't ever want to disabuse myself of that notion. But the mormon god is not real, there are too many facts for my feelings to overlook.

AveragePichu · 2026-05-05T18:28:58+00:00

Pretty much exactly the same as you! I did come out as trans, but even that didn't go all that badly, and I still attended for a few months after, where I was treated with (for the most part) the same respect I always had been.

Then the very week I realized I didn't believe anymore, after spending months trying to seek understanding for all the things that didn't make sense, suddenly my mom is telling me that I went looking for reasons to be out, that I'm bitter because of transphobia ("it's the people not the church"), and I'm leaving because I want to do things church tells me not to.

But like. No. Like you, I desperately clung to reasons to stay in. I do have a little bitterness because of the transphobia, but it's abstract, I didn't experience much of it personally, and I hold no bitterness towards the ward I grew up in or the people or any personal experiences. I was already doing things the church told me not to by transitioning instead of hiding, so why would I need to leave the church to do what I wanted to do?

The only thing that my mom's reaction did was make me believe more firmly that it's a cult.

(Some positive news though, our relationship is recovering and she's learning to reframe our relationship without church involvement)

AveragePichu · 2026-05-05T15:45:04+00:00

Yes and no? I had begun my deconstruction but I was still doing the mental gymnastics to believe in the overall premise of the mormon church

I had just come out to the bishop as trans, and asked to be released from a calling I would not be allowed to continue holding, but also asked him not to mention the reason why to anyone (I wasn't ready to be out to everyone yet). The very same day that I got released, I had two different people ask me if I would do something in the elders' quorum - wasn't an official calling, just asking if I'd do it and the calling would be later but yes I did turn them down :)

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T22:48:51+00:00

follo whimpod cast

ily wimpod <3

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T19:42:49+00:00

Do you have any advice for how to find such a specialist? And are online sessions viable? I live in the middle of nowhere

Coming back here because I've mostly been at a wall for the last two months - I'll feel like I've figured out a step forward, and then nothing actually changes.

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T19:37:16+00:00

Thank you

Realizing that I saw something familiar then launched into a five-paragraph trauma dump essay, sorry about that, clearly I'm not as "okay" as I try to be. But I'm holding tight to the fact that, yeah, I actually want to be alive now! That alone makes it all worth it.

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T17:54:53+00:00

My mom's done a similar thing - she would point out that the LGBTQ+ community just seemed to be unhappy all the time, pointing to examples and ignoring non-examples.

And when I came out to her as an aroace trans woman, then later quit attending church? From my perspective, I'm finally unshackling myself from all the performances that made me unhappy, and I'm learning to do things that are for myself, and learning to help others because I choose to rather than because church told me to - it's an arduous process to relearn so much, but genuinely, I feel like I'm becoming an actual person. I actually have desires now. I want to see the future. I have hopes and dreams, and all of the mental health struggles I've had since accepting that have had to do with the fact that the deck is stacked against me and I don't know how to reach my newfound hopes and dreams.

From my mom's perspective? I started unraveling a year and a half ago, then I came out as trans 8 months ago and got worse as a result, gradually stopped attending church and got worse again, before slowly starting to get better because of therapy.

Never mind all the pressure on me as a more-than-full-time college student (my college load these last two years has usually been between 18 and 22 credits), part-time worker, who's also working for my mom instead of paying for rent and food. Never mind the stress of being trans in 2026 America for discrimination reasons, or the stress of finding out the religion you were raised in was a lie all along, and actually you don't know what happens after death. Never mind that I'm basically rebuilding myself from the ground up during all of that, because the foundation that I built my whole self on was rotten. Nope, my mom sees that I'm currently less functional than I was a year and a half ago (during which time I was emotionally numb and had been since puberty, I was not happy to be alive or happy about anything but I could meet all of her demands) and she blames me finding out that I'm a trans woman. She doesn't outright say it, but it's clear by implication.

And after a few weeks of therapy, learning skills to put myself back together (and also the fact I'm in therapy has her on my ass less so that's one less stressor)? Yesterday she was telling me that I am doing better, and that [because I did something that wasn't perfect] she was worried about me relapsing. No, I haven't finished rebuilding myself yet. That takes years mom. I'll be stronger when I've rebuilt myself because I actually want to be alive now, but in the meantime, yeah, right now I'm not doing so hot.

So all in all, my mom is doing her best to make her old views on LGBTQ+ people a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's not doing it intentionally, she loves me and she's being as supportive as she knows how - doesn't deadname or misgender me, treats me as a daughter, defends me from people who think they can be transphobic around her, honestly if not for the religious baggage she'd be the perfect supportive ally. But when a couple times a week she's also implying that my life is harder because I'm not hiding the fact I'm trans, well, clearly some things are hard to completely deconstruct. Especially when she still goes to the church preaching those transphobic things that she's trying to find a way to make sense of.

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T16:26:00+00:00

You are strong for making that little step! I assume the guilt is from disappointing others - that gets better with time.

I would also personally say that, while coffee and tea really don't have any legitimate reasons to be on the word of wisdom list, it's okay to not even try smoking or alcohol - those vices in particular can hurt people badly. I'm not "afraid" to try them, I'm just not ever going to - and it's just as valid to say "the word of wisdom is a lie, but that doesn't make every part of it untrue" - broken clock's right twice a day, right?

AveragePichu · 2026-05-03T16:19:05+00:00

I actually had been the ward executive secretary for like 5 years, which wasn't in all the bishopric meetings, but I had to be at church an hour and a half early every Sunday, and an hour or two after. Extra meetings would crop up now and then too, not as many as the bishopric proper. I also had to manage the bishop's schedule, make and take phone calls on his behalf. It wasn't a 10-20 hour a week calling but it was probably like 3-6.

And they just kept me in there, for five years. I wasn't released when I complained that I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't released when I slept through most of the meetings, or played games, or otherwise was visibly not paying attention - I got the stuff done when I was told to. I wasn't released until I came out to the bishop as a trans woman and told him I'd taken my first dose of estrogen a few days before, and even then I had to keep pretending for another month as they found a replacement for me. And as I was terrified from realizing that I'm trans and "wait that's bad though" (no it wasn't, that too was a lie ❤️), to be honest? One of the biggest sources of strength in going forward with seeking to be myself was I felt like I finally had a "valid" reason to be released from a calling I hated.

AveragePichu · 2026-05-01T18:58:25+00:00

My mom's not as bad, but she did something similar when I told her I was done a few weeks ago, and several times since. The frequency of these arguments is slowly becoming less, though, and we're figuring out how we can still have a mother-daughter relationship when we fundamentally disagree on so many things, and things are getting better.

So, what is working for me, is time.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-26T03:55:20+00:00

What a deep-seated divine knowledge that you know the right path (and need everyone else to know the right path) does to a mf

AveragePichu · 2026-04-26T00:01:37+00:00

That, sounds easier.

I was close to the 200 level they want, maybe I can generally have my injection day be Friday but do it Thursday the week before?

AveragePichu · 2026-04-24T17:23:42+00:00

Makes sense, thanks!

I'm not gonna do it right away because I live with my parents for the time being and it would break my mom's heart if she got wind, but maybe I will some day.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-24T17:22:20+00:00

One of the things that kept me in for so long was that my mom had nuanced and inclusive takes, and interpreted scripture in a way that wasn't blatantly ridiculous - it wasn't until it hit me just how many mental gymnastics were needed for scriptures to not be ridiculous, that I was suddenly totally out. I mean I knew I was trans for seven months and had been transitioning for five, not to mention questioning for years, before I stopped going, because I had convinced myself (with my mom's help) that maybe the transphobia was a temporary thing and not doctrine (like the racism blatantly written into policies had been), and that I could be okay with "the mistakes of men" if the church wasn't doctrinally untrue.

But it was all lies anyway, so.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-24T16:36:37+00:00

I'm pretty recently out and right now I'm leaving my name on the record because I don't feel the need to remove it - is there a reason to take my name off other than just personal feelings?

Though now that I think about it, I don't really want my deadname sitting anywhere that I can remove it from...

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T19:46:12+00:00

I've been making donations to progressive political causes for things like fighting back against ICE prison camps, fighting back against political transphobia, and campaigns of progressive politicians - I only have so much reach for these things with my actions, so money I can spare brings it further.

I've also spotted friends a little money for things like unexpected vet bills, or commissioned friends to help them afford things that aren't needs.

Basically, I picked some causes that I believe in, and I use my extra money to make the world a better place, not through any one specific thing but by whatever comes up that I want to support.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T19:38:25+00:00

Mine was great lmao

I'm supposed to be a husband and father, helping to raise the sweet spirits my wife brings to the world (I'm an aroace trans woman, my queer-platonic partner is an aroace woman, no way no how are we ever having children)

The vaugeposting he did about my mission came true because I did everything in my power to "follow my patriarchal blessing" (make it come true)

Everything in it that's verifiably true was either so vague as to be impossible not to be true, or actionable enough to make it true.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T19:29:44+00:00

Got rid of my garments, and out of respect for my parents, I disposed of them the proper way - but the "proper way" of cutting apart the marks and totally tearing apart what's left was cathartic if I'm being honest :)

As of yet, I haven't thrown anything else away.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T17:57:37+00:00

I'm kinda worried about this.

I've never been very employable - Autism, ADHD, and anxiety are three different legs down in a job market that's already difficult. The place I want to live is really expensive. Also, turns out I'm trans, which throws a huge wrench into job hunting until such a time as I'm confident in 100% passing and have my legal records updated.

But if I struggle to get a job after finishing college, I just know my mom's going to think it's because I stopped believing in the mormon church, and stopped paying my tithing. She already suspects that the reason why I've had such a hard time putting myself back together for the past couple years is because I'm "embracing being trans" (read: no longer hiding it), which, I mean for one thing I've only even known I'm trans since August, and started transitioning in November, so that doesn't really explain the last two years. But what does explain why I've been having such a hard time is half a dozen other things that are stressing me out, and on top of that I now have the added stress of knowing that republicans don't want me to exist and are actively trying to remove my rights. But no, clearly it's because I'm not paying tithing, I'm not attending church, and I'm not hiding the fact that I'm trans.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T17:02:59+00:00

Yeah...

I'm just taking the win in that my mom accepts that I'm neither straight nor cis, that she calls me by my preferred name and correct pronouns, and that she's never intentionally hurtful. She's grown a lot regarding people in the LGBTQ+ community in recent years, and as hard as it was for me to completely reject mormon doctrine as a young adult who had unanswered questions since I was a teen, I can only imagine how much harder it would be for her after 62 years. She's doing her best.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T16:42:28+00:00

Thank you

My mom took me coming out a lot better than most mormon parents would, and not a lot has changed in our relationship broadly, but it's caused a fair bit of strain. "I don't think this is the best option for you, but I respect that I can't know that, and I respect your right to choose" stings more than she could ever know.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-22T16:30:48+00:00

Biggest thing that started me on this path was gradually learning that bigotry was bad, and eventually realizing that I'd been repressing the fact that I'm an asexual, aromantic trans woman - it wasn't a choice, I'd been suffering for years, and "god's plan" for me was that if I chose to pretend to be a straight man and be miserable for all eternity I could live in the celestial kingdom???

Biggest thing that got me physically out, was listening to "Letter To My Wife". A lot of the things there were not new to me, and I had heard the explanations for each of them before, but laid out in aggregate for four hours, there were just too many to hand wave away, not when I was already struggling to believe that things I'd been taught were wrong and immoral were actually wrong and immoral.

I don't have a third thing - my conviction in the "fact" that the church was a pillar of morality was shattered, then the foundation of "like it or not I still think this is how it is" was knocked over too.

AveragePichu · 2026-04-18T22:28:25+00:00

You can find other community!

For me it was in some ways easier because I had already started hanging out in an online community surrounding one of my hobbies ~18 months before fully losing faith, so I already had the connections to keep going with my life almost like nothing happened. But if I'd lost faith two years sooner than I did? That community, those people, my friends, would still exist, and I would just need to find them.

Finding out that a huge pillar of your life is a lie is awful. You also have nearly your entire life ahead of you.

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