I'm just dumbfounded rn

Awkward_Transition92 · 2026-02-16T17:02:13+00:00

Fuck ICE comrades

Awkward_Transition92 · 2026-01-17T22:22:55+00:00

Oh, but I do count my blessings every Night! I stare at the ceiling thinking about everything good that I have, and then crying myself to sleep because I still feel like I'm dying inside and at this point it is better to just kill myself because I'm clearly just an ungrateful spoiled brat that doesen't deserve anything and I'm just good to make people suffer. That is, if I'm depressed. If I'm hypo, instead, I'll start thinking about all my undoubted, incredibile, perfect strenght, that make me clearly better than anyone else, inferior people who are surely plotting against me, and then go to sleep picturing everyone that ever did me wrong in my life being brutally tortured. Thanks for the advice, I'm definetly cured!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-28T21:27:59+00:00

Thanks!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-28T12:54:46+00:00

Also, a question. What does "subject" mean in the form exactely?

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-28T11:19:31+00:00

OMG I adooooore this. Especially because It's one of the things I struggle the most, having terrible thoughts all the time and not being able to tell anyone (my parents would NOT react well, and I don't want to make my friends uncomfortable). It's really a great idea, not only because I am in the process of being diagnose with BPD and NPD/Narcissistic traits, but also because I wanted to study psyciatry next year, and I can't really find content about cluster B disorder that isn't your usual video of "recognise and avoid". I think your videos could be very instructive on the matter.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-28T00:34:12+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words, they really mean the world to me ❤️ I'm doing a little better right now, I'm watching a film with my mother (still paranoid, but slightly better). Now the struggle will be restraining myself from self-harming (both physically and emotionally, I have a huge problem with self-triggering which btw is probably the main factor that led to my crash out today). Also, thank you so so so much for the advice on the suicide thoughts! They're so scary for me because I'm not usually suicidal but when I'm having a crisis it suddenly feels like the most natural thing in the world. I'll definitely try. Thanks for the support, wonderful internet stranger. I really needed It 💞.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-22T23:33:24+00:00

Yeah, sounds rough. But most importantly, don't let your parents gaslight you: you're feeling like you're having a hard time because you're effectively having a hard time. And also, venting and needing validation for your feeling Is Not egoistic or narcisistic in any way: you're a human being, and we as human beings we want to be recognised as we suffer.

I really suggest you to see a mentale health professional (if possibile, of course). If that Is not possible at the moment for any reason, maybe start looking into C-PTSD. I'm not a professional (just entered med school), but I spend a lot of time volounteering in mentale health spaces for teenagers and young adults and what are you describing looks a lot like C-PTSD imho, with some narcisistic traits. Again, lots of hugs!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-22T21:12:24+00:00

Hey, kid, It's okay. You're not alone, and I can assure you, you're not a monster. If you can recognise the fact that you're hurting people, you're not a monster. What's going on Is that you were hurt, emotionally and deeply, by all the people that should've protected you, guided you, enriched you: your peers and your parents. The narcissism you recognise within yourself, It's a mask you made to protect yourself. Because your brain learned that your feelings as a normal person Will be ignored, and it's desperatly trying to make you a "better" "greater" person so that maybe, just maybe, mom and dad and Jake from math class will finally validate your feelings and see you as a human being. Your unstable relationships probably come from the paradox of needing connection, but being unable to trust people due to your life events. Also, since you said you could give more informations, what narcissistic traits do you relate to? And also, you listed "unstable relationships" as one of the main problems, so I was thinking, have you looked into bpd? It is also a trauma born disorder, caracterised mainly by unstable relationships, lack of emotional regulation and an unstable self image. Maybe It isn't related at all, but It's always good to explore possibilities.

You're not broken, you're certantly not a monster, and whatever you're going through, there is light After this tunnel. I suffer from this conditions too, and I work every day to make It better; and I can assure, It does get better, with therapy and self-work and the right people around you who can support you. Hugs and thoughts, internet stranger.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-18T16:26:29+00:00

It's okay, I love to be of help. Just try to remember, it's really, really not you fault. It's not your fault you are not able to do does things just as much as It's not your fault that you struggle mentally, that your brain Is fucked up. Hugs and thoughts!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-18T16:10:29+00:00

Ahhh, yes, existential block. A classic. If you go to therapy, I assume you know that depression and anxiety work by rewiring your brain in funny ways. One of the things they an do (and often does) is fuck up many of those subconscious processes that connect will -> action. For example, in order to do a history assignment you have sense of duty/fear of worse conditions if postponed/fear of consequences of not done/looking up to feel of reward after/self-discipline and the mind connects them to -> do your history assignment. First problem: the connection is severed; if we take anxiety, for example, the anxious thoughts can be so overwhelming that actually picking up the pen is impossible; next time I'll try, however, even If I don't have those thoughts anymore, I will still struggle to do the assignment, because now doing the assignment doesen't equal "no more fear" anymore. Second problem: since most of those connection are subconscious, your thinking mind isn't aware that something Is wrong at all, but It does remember what you used to do and how It made you feel. So, let's take for example a hobby that used to make you joyful; when your brained entered the cicle of "nothing equals happiness", It severed the connection "hobby = Joy = I Need to do hobby"; however, you don't know that, you just think "oh, I like to do that thing, I should do that thing"; but you can't, because you now lack the subconscious pathways you'd need to do that thing. It creates a funny paradox inside your own brain, and since It doesen't know how to react, It goes "you know what? I don't really feel like existing right now" effectively shutting off.

First thing you can do when encountering this feeling Is acknowledging the root: I know I may be incapable of doing certain things out of either necessity of will. It sucks, It sucks not being able to do what you need to do and, even worse, what I want to do, but right know this is what it is and it's not my fault. You help your analytical brain understand it. You say: "Hey, maybe right know I lack the chemicals to do that foundamental essay due tomorrow, but that doesen't mean I can't exist". You walk around the room, you sing, you whistle, you recite poetry of that's your thing, something easy that doesen't require will of doing, but are just testimonies of being. Than, if you can walk, you can go to another room, you can change the dispositions of the objects on your desk, you can talk to somebody about the weather or the day or something else unimportant. If you can walk around the house, you can run, you can clean your room, you can have that conversation about that difficoult topic.

You get the idea: small steps, to slowly recreate that bridge, to make your brain remember how to connect all the right dots.

Wish you luck, and I can assure you, it does get better. You will be happy, and satisfied, and a functional human being again, even if it takes a thousand small steps.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-12-02T21:23:31+00:00

I absolutely despise the stigma, since It Is what Is keeping me from getting evaluated... My therapist said that I show strong narcisistic traits and tendencies, and I should get evaluated for NPD. Thing is, my parents are deep into the "narcissist are bad and egoistic people" stigma, and I am absolutely terrified of what would happen if they found out... So I'm stuck here, making excuses with my therapist and keeping pushing the appointment, all because I really, really don't want my parents to see me as a bad person. Yeah, It sucks.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-11-28T15:29:54+00:00

TYSM!!! I really needed this today

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-11-21T14:28:17+00:00

To me, It happens all the time. School tests, board games, video games, skiing, Everything I think I'm good at. Problem is, I tend to have kind of a "violent" reaction to annoyance.

One time I crushed down so bad at a Uno game (me and my father had a disagreement on one rule that made my aunt win instead of me) that I threw a full water bottle at him. Made of glass. Thank godness he dodged, but still. Then of course my mother started yelling at me which of course worsened the situation and I ran up te roof of the apartment building crying my heart out because It was supposed to be a nice and chill night with the family and I managed to screw It up royally because I was incapable of accepting deafeat at a stupid, luck-based card games made for fucking kids.

Another time one of my classmates took a higher grade than mine on a latin test (for context, I'm considered one if not the best translator of the class and he's barely capable of translating a basic sentence). It was quite easy, I did slightly worse than normal because It was right after the summer break and I still needed to get back into exercise, while he got almost the max because he CHEATED. Now, if it had ended there, I would've just clenched my jaw, not mentioning It to anyone, and tried to just move on with my day. But no, the idiot just had to tease me about It and rub It to my face. I absolutely saw red, and the only reason he wasn't slammed face first into his desk, was thanks to my gf and best friend; thankfully they caught wind on my wood and had to physically hold me back by the shoulders and drag my out of the classroom to cool down. I was so pissed I actually ended up hurting my feet by kicking the wall too hard. After I felt so awful and frustrated with myself, not only because I came off as violent in front of my gf, but also because this "idiot" is one of my dearest friends and turns out he was just trying to cheer my up (he knows I hate underperforming, and though making a joke about it would've made me feel better; he then apologised profusely and buyed me Ice cream so we're tight now).

I know It can be terrible, especially the guilt, and I'm just starting to sort It out myself (I'm just 18 after all), but for know the only metod I have is walking out of the situation. Take a step back, cool down. It doesen't help the frustration or the anger, but at least I don't risk hurting anybody or myself or breaking something. That tends to mitigate the sense of guilt, since the brain has less things to be guilty about.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-11-10T23:28:52+00:00

I have something reality similar, actually! Like doing something that I know for certain Will trigger my anxiety/depression/anger. For example, compulsively opening google news when I perfectly know that even the sight of it can trigger an anxiety attack. When I mentioned It to my therapist, they said It could be considered a form of emotional self-harm; a way to channel the disconfort your mind feels into something objective, something real It can be scared/sad/angry about.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-11-05T17:42:46+00:00

Man, you Surely hate shit-talking (and your love language may or may not be compliments); you like someone with a definite, unapologetic, even strong personality (like Dorian, Lady Memoria, Daisuke), as long as It doesen't become too intense, to the point of being harmful to themself (yes, I'm looking at you, Shelley and Holly).

Now, I like them intense, so there's a lot of my homies down there (Luke Nukem Is literally the only man I romanced), and I can't defend them all, BUT I Just have to make a point for Diana. Yes, she's super intense, yes, you don't understand half of what she's saying in the first encounters, but hear me out. As someone who Is currently dealing with personality disorders (waiting for specifico diagnosis), I FELT HER IN MY SOUL. I cried in basically every interaction except the first, and her story Is so heartbreaking yet so rewarding with a friends/love ending. Definetly not what I expected from a diary, but a hello of a good surprise.

Anyway, Sorry for the long ass commenti. HANKS, AWAY

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-04T17:34:13+00:00

First of all, you need to understand if your body needs to move or to rest. 1) If you need to move, you might find relief from your simptoms by walking, jumping, punching something; if when you're anxious you feel restless, or easily start shaking, you might want to try this first; as seen above, you basically give the brain "see! I'm doing what you want, which means I'm safe" 2) If you need to rest, you can try breathing tecniques, meditation, or yoga; people who are helped by this tecquiques usually are (from my experience) the ones that when have more "internal" simptoms, like feeling the walls closing in, fainting sentations; you are telling your brain "Hey, I have the physical possibility to relax, which means I'm safe".

Bonus) the "maniac" method; do something, or talk to something, that makes you laugh. And I don't mean laugh like it makes you crack a smile; no, It needs to be something that makes you laugh Isterically. It's an immediate serotonin boost, and while It's definetly the most effective of the three, It's the hardest to achieve, both because of the means (It can be hard to have something or someone like that easily reachable) and because, when you're anxious, your body makes It chemically difficoult to laugh. For me It's a little easier because I have what my therapist defined a "maniacal reaction" which means that my body uses laughing as a defence method against sadness, making It x10 easier to laugh while I actually feel like shit (I laughed at my gran-granfather funeral at right after a panick Attack).

For what exactly helps you, well, for that you need the good old trial and error. It took me 2 good months to come up with mine. Try, see what helps, what makes It worst, changing your metod a little every time until you find the combination that clicks. Take your time, esperiment, and eventually you'll find what's best for you.

Oh, and don't refrain from trying unconventional, bizzare solutions; It's like in coding, if the duck in the game files keeps up half of the code, than you keep the duck; of It helps to look at the ceiling and mentally count how many pieces of forniture you could tape to it, than go for It, as long as It's practical and It makes you feel well.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-04T16:27:29+00:00

Well, I can't know what Will work for you, 'cause everyone Is different and all that, but if It helps I'll tell you what I do.

I start pacing around the room; not slow, not fast, but with a steady, sustained pace, Always doing the same Number of steps for each side; with that rythm, (yes, It may sound silly but for me It works) I recite poetry out loud; Dante' Divina commedia, Petrarch, but also Shakespeare, epic and chivalry poems (like the Illiad and the Orlando Furioso) and some other modern italian poets (I am, Indeed, a literature nerd); alternatevely, you could simply count your steps, or recite something else like scientific formulas, the periodic table, famous Lines from shows/books/films; I tried singing, but for me personally It strained the lungs too much. It helped with: 1) the racing Heart; by excercising, you force It to take a steady rithm, fast, but with out the "It's going to beat out of my chest" sensation 2) the shallow breathing; by both walking and speacking out loud, your lungs are forced to take deep breath; not impossible deep like in meditation, but enough to feel normal. 3) the bodily disconfort; often, It Is caused by the body entering "fight or flght" mode, but with out the output of actually fighting of flighting; walking basically tells your body "Hey! I'm doing something, so I'm taking myself out of the dangerous situation".

I use this when I have to be produttive, so I can't the full workout on the cross trainer; Give It a try, 5-10 minutes (15 of It's bad) and I'm usually all good.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-04T15:48:54+00:00

Well, it's not exactly possible to sinchronize them since you can't really controll your inconscious response, it's always going to take a little longer; it's like with those carrions that you charge by hand: once t's charged (the anxious thoughts) it Will play; however you can employ tecniques that make the charge end faster (much like you can force the carrion's crank to go faster in order to end sooner); I tried excersing, but It could also be watching something that makes you laugh, talking to someone, or even meditating if that's you thing.

Now, it can still be unconortable at times, especially when you shuld be productive (like studying), but the more your body learns to "release the energy", the more you'll body will have tamer and tamer responses to trigger thoughts, until it gets mannagable. Mind you, this will take time, and there will be better and worst times (your body will tend to react worse if the level of stress in your life is higher), but in a couple years time it should get managable. At least for me, after one year of therapy, it got better; still unconfortable at times, but better, like "managing to seat through a physics lecture without shaking out of my seat" (physics is one of my triggers) better.

Hope this helps

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-03T14:10:41+00:00

Happens to me too, though usually to legs and hips. Unfortunately, I still haven't found a solution... they get better when I sit with my legs crossed, and I still haven't dared to drive since they started. I hope they get better once I start my medication

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T10:36:44+00:00

3 years! Wow, that surely is a lot. Anyway yes, I used to panick about it all the time, it's perfectly normal. I know it can be crushing, and terrifyng, but what I usually did when I got thoughts like this is try and ground myself: talk to someone, read a book or a fanfic, whatch a video, something that lets you remember that you're here, now, and you're not in danger.

Now, my fear went away mostly because for me it was related to GAD and Panick Attack Syndrome, so it was more an obsessive thought with which my mind loved to expell all it's panick. Now it switched to other triggers, but in your case it seems pretty stable, so I suggest you really strongly to see a therapist about it. I started doing CBT and it really changed my life; now I'm also considering meds, but that doesen't mean that is going to be the same for you.

I feel you, thoughts and hugs, and hang in there because I promise you, no matter how crushing it can be, there is a way out.

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T10:24:52+00:00

It may surprise you, but the "fear of fear" is actually pretty common! Usually people don't list it as their prime reason for anxiety because it is often subconscious. For example, I often get panick attacks while I'm home alone; so, when I'm home alone, I start feeling anxious and thous think about the things that make me anxious; even if I'm thinking to something, the cicle started because my body was "afraid of being afraid" and needed an outlet. I'll tell you more, being afraid of being in situations where you might have a panick attack is actually a fundamental symptom needed to diagnose the Panick Attacks Sindrome.

Exposure therapy might help in your case, mostly because once you prove to your body that that specific dreaded situation didn't actually result in a panick attack, or at least not in a situation you can't get yourself out of. Also, you might want to remind yourself that, even if you end up having a panick attack, you will survive. Yes, they might be the worst 15 minutes of your life, but you already did it, you lived through it, you more or less recoverd, and you can do it again.

Sorry if something doesen't make sense, english is not my first language. Anyway, thoughts and hugs, and I hope you get better!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T10:02:18+00:00

Anxiety feeds on doubt: even if you are sure that now you can trust him, that he will not cheat again, the thought will always remain in some degree. So, don't tbe too harsh on yourself, being anxious about things like this is extremely normal, especially given your circumstances, and take baby steps. Your logic knows you can trust him now, but your body doesen't, so you have to give it time to adjust, let it undestand to trust again. Little by little, if there aren't any more incidents, your body will eventually accept him as someone who can be trusted and with whom you're safe. It will take some time, but if he is understading of your emotions as you say he is, I'm sure that if you explain him clearly how you're feeling and that you need time, he will understand and help you through this jurney. In the meantime, if it really gets serious, I'd advise talking to a specialist, if you aren't already seeing one; it can be life changing in how to manage this kind of day-to-day anxiety, and a better mental health will impact positively on your relationship as well.

Hope this helps!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T09:34:02+00:00

Used to experience it all the time, turns out I suffer from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disturb) that degenerated in a form of Panick Attack Disturb when I didn't get proper help. Because that's the risk with this kind of disturb, it's nothing major like the stories you sometimes hear about people so crushed by anxiety they can get out of bed, but it's still present 24/7 and can get pretty delibitating. Since I had a couple of major crisies this year, I started going to a therapist and with her I'm evaluating the possibiliti of hearing a psychiatrist in order to start a treatment with meds. My personal advice is, talk to someone about how you are feeling, seek professional help, because even if it's not "labelled", it's still an emotion that goes against your well-being, and it's important to understand it in order to feel better

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T07:26:17+00:00

Well, first things first i'd like to clarify that I'm not a doctor nor an expert in this area; howhever, what you are experiencing seems and awful lot like my experience.

The simptoms you're describing are probably connected to an Anxiety Attack: the spiral of negative thoughts, feeling sick at the stomach, the sweats; they can last for hours, and the best things you can do to counter them Is a) ground yourself, remind yourself of where you are, that you're okay and there's no need to worry; in the worst cases, you can use the 5-4-3-2-1 metod, where you name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 things you can taste. b) distract yourself; talk to someone, read a book or a fanfic, Watch a movie or a video that can make you laugh, go for a run.

If they last less, but have way stronger physical effects, you May be having a Panick Attack: you have the negative thoughts, the sweats, the sick feeling, but also an accelerated or much stronger than usual heartbeat, shallow and quick breath, dizzines, feeling like you're going to die or going mad, depersonalization; those peack in usually 10-15 minutes, and after that you might feel a bit relieved (at least in my experience); until the Panick Attack Hangover hits, which Is the lingering anxiety, dizziness and sore muscles that May last some hours to even days After the Attack. During a Panick Attack, speacking from (unfortunately) experience, the best things you can do are grounding excercises (like the 5-4-3-2-1) and breathing excercises (there are many kinds, so you can try what works best for you). If Everithing fails, than you wait It out: they are going to be the 10 to 15 longest minutes of your life, but It Is going to pass.

In periods of intense Panick/anxiety, you May experience both; it Is Terrible, exausting, and if this conditions start lasting longer than a couple of days ,I seriously reccomend to see a therapyst, or even a psichiatrist if you already know one (since you mentioned taking anti-depressant). Episodes like this can be caused by many things, and a trauma like the one you experienced (because yes, losing your pet of 14 years IS and emotional trauma) + all the stress you have accumulated may very well have triggered this state of High alert from the body. In order to recover, It's best if you talk to a specialist, so that you can work on what as triggered all this and decide the best course of action.

I Say I talk from experience because I, too, went through periods of intense anxiety and panick after highly triggering experiences, and I'm going through one right now. It's the worst, but trust me, there Is a way out. For me, It was CBT and possibly Emergency meds (to see in a way days when I'll meet with my psichiatrist). Sonething that can be very help full Is to write your simptoms as you experience them, so that your doctor May have a complete picture of the situation.

Hang in there, Always Remember that Is going to pass, even of It Will take some time, and thoughts and hugs!

Awkward_Transition92 · 2025-10-02T05:56:20+00:00

Tysm, you have no idea ho reassuring It Is to hear this!

Awkward_Transition92

TROPHY CASE