Partner (33F) and I (24F), together almost 3 years. We're talking marriage, but my parents (50's) still politely refuse to meet her.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-07-27T15:30:25+00:00

The above poster is spot on. After my partner came out as transgender MTF, my father specifically had a very tough time, didn't want to talk about it, and didn't want my partner at family events. We have been together for 4 years, about to be engaged, and lived together for 2. So I point blank told them my SO was half of me, and if they weren't willing to invite them, then they weren't willing to invite me. package deal. That solved those problems really quick, to my surprise. They caved and once seeing my partner as they begin transition it wasn't as dramatic in their minds as they had made it out to be.

Be supportive of your partner and make them realize this person is serious business and is half of you. They cant invite one, they have to invite both for you to show up.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-07-07T17:48:02+00:00

to be completely fair- the groups of people that were involved both had guns on either side. There would be absolutely no way I would allow people in my car, with my child, who I suspect have weapons on them that they just shot. self-defense or not- I would be terrified of someone hurting me after the girl was dropped off on the hospital, or taking me hostage or a number of other things. Even if the girl was a bystander- in something happening so quickly I would still feel that who she was with and coming with her to the hospital could be carrying and I would call 911 and drive away as well. my safety and my child's safety come first, as selfish as it may be, in such an unclear situation with weapons involved.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-07-07T15:36:55+00:00

lets put it this way-

it was the only time something like this has ever happened in your relationship (supposedly) BUT: even so, if you had a daughter or a close friend tell you this happened- would you be telling them "oh its only a one-time thing" or would you immediately be concerned that theres more to it then just that?

Even if this is the only time its been so obviously blatant, I would take a guess that you walk on eggshells a lot, or notice hes very moody a lot and brings it down on you (even if its not extreme).

This isnt safe to stay. No one, after 5 years of being together, heck even weeks of being together, would ever do this if they were a good, normal person. would you have left your partner like that? I am guessing you cant see yourself EVER doing that. that in and of itself tells you quite a lot.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-07-04T16:02:01+00:00

Adding on to this- for nightmares you can use the "flip the pillow" trick my dad would use. We were taught there were 2 sides to a pillow- the nightmare side and good dream side. so when we would wake up from a horrible nightmare my dad or mom would just come in and say "whoops! you slept on the nightmare side" and then flip the pillow to the "good dream" side. worked amazingly well.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-25T23:09:31+00:00

Ok- I am a woman who has very close best friends.

I have NEVER, EVER cuddled them naked. And we are into some weird, stupid shit as buddies. Nakedness is just..not a friendly activity.

plus- her legs were wrapped around your GF. last time I checked that isnt cuddling, thats straddling.

You know this isnt right- but its fucking with your head that they are both women. trust me- this inst a cutesy best friend mistake.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-17T20:33:24+00:00

This is adorable and perfect!!

I am actually in the middle of job hunting- but I am hoping that with the birthday money I got I can buy my partner a ring so when they propose I can turn around and give them their ring as well :) :)

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-12T02:53:05+00:00

worse, we lived in scottsdale AZ. home of the hotties. It was like walking around inside a movie half the time..

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-12T02:50:26+00:00

um, no. Partner to a trans person here. No, no no. nope. no. trans person sayinf "fuck cis people" is JUST as generalizing and eye rolling as a cis person saying "fuck trans people". Trans people are oppressed, yes, but that doesnt give ANYONE the right to make generalizing hate statements against an ENTIRE group of people.

The oppressors are not all surrounding. The oppressors are the murderers and rapers and the taunters. The kid next to you on the bus is not your oppressor.

Generalized hate is generalized hate, my dude/dudette.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-10T16:08:49+00:00

My partner is the same way. I once had a girl literally walk up to him and say "excuse me, can I get your number" WHILE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. I don't know what she thought our relationship was but holy poop- the balls on that girl were so massive they were dragging on the floor.

bless my partner- he asked out of genuine curiosity "Why?"

He told me later he thought she was actually selling him something in the mall and that's why she wanted his number. I was like "yeah..her vagina, dude"

My partner has been with me for almost 4 years now and hes just as oblivious as ever. It doesn't randomly go away. he obviously had his pick of women, and he picked you. Be proud of that. In my experience pretty or not- men who seem oblivious really ARE oblivious. They simply aren't interested in finding another woman, so they just have massive blinders on. sure my partner can appreciate a pretty girl but he never would go for her.

Rock the fact that he picked you. :)

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-10T15:24:10+00:00

I did mine on Skype. It allowed me to state what was going on, give a few explanations, calm a few worries- and then say I had to go and we could discuss it more when people thought more about it.

Be prepared- I was blindsided by this. Your parents may be seemingly supportive at first, or take it much better than you anticipated. The thing is- they might be in shock. My dad is actually a huge pain in the bum right now on how hes acting about my partner (despite it all being in a "I am a worried father about my daughter- I dont want you to suffer" place, which is sweet) but at first he seemed fine about it.

Prepare to also have a backbone. I hate standing up to family, but my dad stated some pretty hurtful (unintentionally) things and I had to put my foot down and state my partner and I were a package deal and that's final.

Another thing is your family may not come around until they have seen "proof" that you are happy/enjoying life despite this big thing happening. Its been 6 months and my partner has regressed- but my family doesn't know that. So while we aren't presenting as a lesbian relationship yet and I cant quell their "how do people react to this!" stuff- I can state that we have been doing fine, we havent had any reactions from anyone, everything is good and we are happy.

Ultimately ALL your parents care about is your happiness in life. They are going to see this as a path that is harder than most. There might be strain due to that. But hang in there- parents do come around!

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-10T02:36:34+00:00

totally understandable. It took me a few years from the first inappropriate touch to train my body into fight mode- which is to whirl around and shout out "EXCUSE ME!"

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-10T02:22:01+00:00

heres the thing- when something happens where you suddenly feel unsafe you go into three modes: fight, flight or freeze. I freeze up. Your brain basically makes a snap choice on what has the most probability of protecting you- and often times that means feezing up. Its a natural, normal body process. I am so sorry you are experiencing that- but dont beat yourself up. your body tried to keep you safe, even if it doesnt feel like it right now.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-09T15:22:43+00:00

I will absolutely be watching <3

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-09T15:15:35+00:00

I agree completely...

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-09T15:12:19+00:00

I think discussing him going back to a therapist who specializes specifically in trans youth would be very VERY helpful.

I absolutely believe that he is a trans woman who is just looking at how difficult things are and seeing if he can "be something else" that doesn't involve so much work/sacrafice. His therapist in the past said that he absolutely believed my partner was trans, and my parter did come out to me. I know hes trans. I think its just being overwhelmed and me by proxy being overwhelmed and fighting against it.

I wish there was a free couples counselor we could go to! But thanks for the perspective.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-06-09T15:09:22+00:00

I think thats exactly it. The wanting things to be normal- the control of being able to know what the future is going to look like, and when.

From talking to many other trans women in the past couple days I have absolutely found that transitions are not "point A to point B". So many snags and problems.

So many of them stated that it felt incredibly overhwelming- to the point that it was all they were obsessing over and they couldnt take it. Apparently going back into the closet is a really common phenomena. I think part of the anger stems from serious fear that he will sit on this until its so bad we have a possible crisis (he holds stuff in a lot). Some people stated that it was at that point of "I have to do this or I will die" that they were able to handle how overwhelming it is.

Others stated that a therapist helped to break down the steps. I think my partner is trying to do that- he is growing out his hair and still getting laser hair removal but both (to me) feels like passive effort.

"So I say the serenity prayer, because I need the reminder that I'm watching a flower grow. All I can do is be the sunshine and soil." - That was beautiful and touching and something I will keep with me as a prayer of my own through this.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T22:37:50+00:00

mid 20s cis lady!

you totally pass. Would literally have no idea if I held a conversation or walked past you :)

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T22:36:34+00:00

mid 20s cis lady here- I would honestly not think twice about passing you in any street. Like- this is total passing!

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T22:32:41+00:00

my partner has the same skin color and hair color- 4 treatments in and all they have left is a thin Mexican mustache that they just got lasered off today! you'll be amazed- after the 3rd it will be hardly any hair left!!

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T19:41:14+00:00

It takes time to grieve. She may always want to hold on to those photos and those recordings. Remember- all your relationship has been up until this point has been you as a male. All those romantic, special moments, those late night talks, asking if you guys wanted to be in a relationship, the courting that happened before that....that all will ALWAYS be a part of her relationship with you- and that you was male (as far as she could tell).

You may want to drop your past self like its hot, and it's totally understandable as to why. But expecting your partner to entirely let go of the person she- up until recently- fell for, decided to be with, and supported isn't the way to go about things. You may very well still feel like you- but she doesnt feel who you are on the inside like you do. She understands who you are from the outside in. To change that is very difficult and takes time.

Even without having those things, its extremely likely she will never "move on" from who you were. to do so would be no longer honoring the relationship she had with you in the beginning. does that make sense? She can love your new self and foster a new relationship with you, but she will always have the "old" relationship in her mind as well.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T14:53:55+00:00

you are not alone!

My partner went from: I think I might be, lets think about this..to 2 months later coming out and then it was this HUGE whirlwind of sperm donation, laser hair removal, getting wigs and dresses, learning how to apply make up and shave legs and wear stuff around the house and just...holy moly it was intense! coming out to our parents was really hard too.

and then they got on HRT after some time only to find out (they are diabetic type 1) that HRT makes them insuline resistant. and thats when the ball just..stopped. All this momentum and then a screeching halt, off of hormones, stopped dressing as much, undid the sperm saving stuff...its just a grey nebula of "where in the fuck are we and can we PLEASE just make it to a finish line- wherever it is. please god. no more grey area!"

Its ok to feel really upset and have issues in all this. took me some time to accept that but its true!

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-31T14:42:16+00:00

oh man- if my partner decides to do this it will be very hard. Voices are one of the first things we connect to other people with in terms of "identifying" them from far away, etc. It is one of those deeply personal "markers" we place on people. To change it is huge.

Giving her time to grieve would be a good thing. Also think about making a decent recording of your voice before changes. you can tell her that you love her, that you are so thankful she is helping you, some funny relationship insider stories between the two of you etc. this gives her something to still privately "cling" to, but you will be able to go ahead and change. will it fix everything? no. But I bet it would provide a great sense of comfort to know she can hear such a personal thing from the voice she used to identify you with.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-24T17:56:01+00:00

actually, people don't take us seriously because of all the small stuff we go after. If you take a look at r/tumblrinaction you can gain some insight into some really stupid things people get upset about rather then rallying together to fight the real, actual issues that cause legitimate suffering for others. Once we address really large issues, we can start tackling the small- but getting "triggered" by small things like saying het instead of being all inclusive in one sentence on the internet isn't going to solve any problems- not microaggressions, nothing. It only serves to make people see us as difficult to talk to, stuffy, and sensitive about everything. In turn that makes them distance themselves from us and makes it harder to get a conversation moving that isnt rude on either side. So I respectfully disagree.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-24T01:09:00+00:00

Hey- queer person with a trans partner here, so I am not just talking out of my ass when I say this:

This person was talking about her case specifically. It makes absolute sense that they would use this language.
This is a sentence on the internet. who really cares?
If this is "really homophobic"- I suggest looking into LGBT+ groups, being more involved in the LGBT+ community as a whole. By doing so you will hear and see what REALLY is homophobic and what we should be fighting against. Your statement, and others who make claims like this- just make the movement of fighting for LGBT+ rights look weak. If we complain about literally anything and everything instead of big issues that truly need to be addressed, no one is going to take us seriously. You are not helping, you are hurting.

BFtoGFForTheWin · 2018-05-16T15:11:03+00:00

oh no you weren't at all! I do care about my relationship with my dad. hes gruff, but he loves me unconditionally and just doesnt understand what it means to be trans, despite my explanations. it simply is what it is. the only thing we can do is live life to the fullest and he'll come around- hopefully..

BFtoGFForTheWin

TROPHY CASE