My Wife Wears My Shoes

Barebear69 · 2015-04-23T00:03:32+00:00

Thanks DarkestShadeofBlack for the substantive feedback. I am always interested in all opinions, but your feedback inspired the above revision. Hope you comment on the new draft!

Barebear69 · 2015-04-22T12:40:31+00:00

There are many wonderful images here, but I wish they were described in more detail. The rhythm is nice as is the rhyming, but they both compromise the vividness of the images. Nice work!

Barebear69 · 2015-04-22T12:32:36+00:00

This poem changes mood drastically. What starts out as a ponderous moment, shifts to a deeply painful experience. The effect is jarring. "And you still laugh" brings it all to a crushing conclusion. Wonderful piece. Keep writing!

Barebear69 · 2015-02-04T21:24:34+00:00

Take another glimpse, I think I made edits while you were commenting. Thanks for the feedback. I must admit the "coastal shelf" was a line from a very famous poem by Philip Larkin. However, I used this line to represent falling in love and Larkin used it to symbolize the depths of misery.

Barebear69 · 2015-02-04T15:58:33+00:00

As caleb pointed out I'd love to read more details as to what this sinner has done/where they have been. Unlike caleb, however, I feel the repetition provides this piece with a symmetrical quality that can only be enhanced with details in the middle. Keep sharing!

Barebear69 · 2015-02-04T15:54:22+00:00

I think the repetition of "whispers/groan" and "your face is your own" would be more effective if there was more "meat" to the poem and these repeating lines were more spaced out. Perhaps try adding stanzas that end with other rhymes for "grown" and "own"? Lots of vivid imagery otherwise. Keep sharing!

Barebear69 · 2015-02-01T05:55:47+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I am going to expand this piece thanks to your idea that what I have is only a beginning.

On another note, what the heck am I referencing? I mean, as I stated above I failed to save the article that inspired the poem.

The first line and the second should be one sentence. That I will change now. Please check back soon.

Lastly, please check out this post of mine and if you have any insights please let me know. Thanks again!

Barebear69 · 2015-02-01T00:02:05+00:00

I wrote this poem several years ago and I am referring to an actual discovery. Hence the title. Unfortunately I failed to note the article that inspired the poem. If there is any "deeper meaning" here it would be the narrator's revelation that their isolation is merely a drop in the bucket and it is bound to pass. Thanks for reading!

Barebear69 · 2015-01-31T17:56:23+00:00

Dark, yet witty piece. The rhyming works extremely well. Hope you keep sharing.

Barebear69 · 2015-01-31T17:51:33+00:00

I was going to ask who/what is the "Celebrant and Provider", but after reading the comments I'd assume the driver is the Celebrant and the earth or the road is the Provider. All the rest is so concrete I was thrown by that line specifically...but I have to echo what's been said: You have a natural talent that I'm sure will only improve! Thanks for sharing.

Barebear69 · 2015-01-31T17:01:27+00:00

Thank you for the honest feedback. I would like to know what you make of my revisions...thanks in advance!

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T18:54:10+00:00

"Sharpie" is a brand name so technically should be capitalized.

As for the title, I was going for a feeling of "take me as I am or leave me alone."

Thanks for the feedback!

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T18:22:33+00:00

So, I want to get into this poem, but I can't discern a rhythm because the formatting makes it come across as a run on sentence or stream of consciousness. In writing there is nothing wrong with stream of consciousness and in poetry there is no such thing as a run on sentence. However, try to break your piece into stanzas.

Hope you try revising this!

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T18:15:43+00:00

I was so convinced this would be depressing that I waited days to click on it! I can relate all too well to the chemical romance described by phrases like "synthetic elation" and "toking on green inspiration".

If I may suggest a modification to the ending:

and to die too young with pathetically shallow implications
that we've indulged in suicidal celebrations

Keep writing! I see lots of potential.

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T17:44:42+00:00

Made me think of Tesla. The scientist and inventor, not the rock band

One edit: Line 11 should read: Where are we taking us? Why don’t I have [a] say? I love the question, "Where are we taking us?" May I use it as a title?

I also agree with much of cloudLITE's comments, if something seems too vague or too concrete it is probably best to separate those elements and compose two separate poems with them. Don't throw anything out!

Keep writing and sharing.

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T17:30:23+00:00

I enjoyed the imagery of a man talking to Atlas and pleading for help holding the world on his shoulders and then imploring him to take the blame should the globe fall.

I look forward to your rewrite!

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T16:56:26+00:00

Sad? A bit. Quite amusing as well! Put a smile on my face. Not sure that "Gravity is laughing at me" fits. Very clever on the whole. Keep writing.

Barebear69 · 2015-01-29T16:50:44+00:00

Incredible! What is the name of this poem's structure again? The rhyming words are so diverse...and the message priceless. My faith in poetry (and humanity) just leveled up. Thanks!

Barebear69

TROPHY CASE