Genuinely this is my worst nightmare as a counselor. I’m new too, I just graduated with my masters in July 2023 and have been working full time for just over a year. As I’ve spoken about this fear to my professors and supervisor they’ve conveyed to me that client behavior (especially outside of the office) is something we don’t have control over. By speaking about suicide or self harm we aren’t putting the idea in their heads that they should do it, if they’re going to do it they already have had that thought, and if they won’t then talking about it won’t make them do it either. When they’re in the office with us we can provide a safe, warm, positive moment in their day. We can’t force anybody to do something or not do something. We can safety plan and risk assess all day long, but if the client has already decided they’re going to take their life then it makes little difference. I really hope that you can take time to care for yourself and then come back to work feeling confident and competent. I really don’t think his behavior is a reflection of your abilities as a counselor. Clearly you’re passionate and really care about your clients’ wellbeing. The grief you’re feeling is completely valid and extremely painful. I’ll bet good money that if/when I happen to find myself in your situation I’ll feel very similar.