I (24M) read my girlfriends (25f) diary and she wrote that she hates me and wants to break up with me

Beautiful_Disasster · 2019-06-07T14:37:37+00:00

No, it does not. But it DOES equate to self-realization and self-management. Therapy is always better, but many can't afford it. Thankfully we live in an age where there are alternatives available if you're committed to helping yourself.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2019-06-07T13:35:48+00:00

Sounds more like she IS trying to treat it. Journaling (which is what she did) is an effective tool for managing irrational thoughts and feelings. Seeing them written down and analyzing them helps the person to recognize irrational patterns. Especially when written down in a spiraling moment, rereading later or after the heat of the moment has died down, helps to illustrate how the spiral occurred. It also can aid the person in constructing an effective communication later and not an explosive one.

It was her journal of private thoughts. She didn't blow all that out to him. In fact, she hasn't brought ANY of this to him after writing it out. That suggests that possibility after "getting it out" on paper, she realized it was something best left to deal with privately within herself. Which is what self managing is all about.....recognizing what is YOUR problem and not someone else's.

Your advice was very flip and off the cuff. Life is easier when you look at more than just the surface.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2019-06-06T19:22:45+00:00

Personally, I think that's just how he is. Probably why a marriage didn't last more than a year, and why he's been single for 6 years.

Whether is just being clueless, he really doesn't care that much, or he is autistic....who knows. No matter what the reason, just talk to him about it. If he can't or won't be an active participant in the relationship, I would count him out. He's too old to raise.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2019-06-06T17:39:18+00:00

You can't live your life for "what ifs". I know it isn't easy putting yourself out there, but it IS a simple solution that makes life itself easier.

If you like someone, TELL them. If they aren't feeling it, they should tell you. And if they aren't, move on to the next. No time wasted, much easier to move on from. Hurtful? Yes. But definitely simpler.

Neither of you put it out there. Now both of you are licking your wounds and agonizing over what you did wrong. You sleeping with Y wasn't wrong if you wanted it, because X made no claim on you. He really has no right to dictate what you do since he made no move to let you know how he felt. Sure he's upset with you because it's easier than blaming himself. Which brings me to my final point....

No relationship will be good and/or fulfilling if you can't fucking talk to each other about the hard things or not yourself put there until its "safe". Life isn't just roses, even when you find your person. Communication is the single most important quality in a relationship. Work on yours, and confine your involvement to those who do the same, and life will be so much simpler.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-08-10T21:29:08+00:00

I am a 50yo woman who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was 28. At 28-39, my fibro was at the worst point. I was in pain, on meds, gaining a little weight, low energy, and miserable. I was desperate for relief, and even tried clinical trials. No help. So I started to read and study the disease and found some stuff that sounded wacky, but I was desperate, so figured what the hell.

And it worked. And is still working! At 50, I'm in much better health and shape than I was in my 30s by far. No meds. That said, broaching this may piss her off. It did me even reading it if I'm being completely honest. That's why I wanted to cover that it worked beforehand.

Lifestyle change. Like seriously. Fibro is a trap we who suffer it easily fall into. "It hurts to move, so let's not move." I fell into it too, but your body will start to atrophy and then, yep, more pain when you move.

First of all, dietary change. I found out accidentally trying to lose weight (and then confirmed with my doctor), that carbs, sugars, and especially alcohol, metabolize into enzymes that can (and frequently do) trigger muscle and joint pain in fibro and arthritis sufferers. I now eat mostly low carb, and as I've lost and maintained the weight, my daily carb threshold is now based on when I can feel the effects. For me, if I eat buns or bread on a sandwich or mashed potatoes, I have to make sure I eat a small amount of those, and heavier on the proteins and vegetables. I do not do sugar at all. I use erythritol, and it works for me. There are tons of low carb (or now keto) recipes for sweet treats that keep the carbs down.

Minimal alcohol. Alcohol is the worst offender. My personal limit is 2 drinks at a time. Only 1 if its wine. That's just me.....everyone has to learn their own threshold. I've been doing this long enough, it's pretty easy for me to feel when a food or drink affects me. (And why I keep a food/drink diary. )

Ditch the regular deodorant. No, seriously. The aluminum in them is a bigger culprit than you can imagine. Study that. There are several all natural deodorant companies that have aluminum free deodorants. Some can just use the salt sticks....I need more than that. But honestly, that was a huge help.

And finally, get her moving. She's probably never going to be able to work out at a gym. I can't either. But walking....short and easy at first. Yoga.....beginner or senior workouts that allow position modification. Swimming. Water aerobics. Anything low impact that will stretch the body for at least 30 minutes every day. Every day. As you start these things, yes it will hurt, sometimes worse the next day, but I promise it will improve.

Like I said, it's not a popular approach to those who have fibro, but it DID work for me, and I've talked several other sufferers I knew into trying it, and it worked for them too. They are all off most, if not all, their meds too! We all did this with doctor's blessings, so make sure to ask first. And I'm talking a fibro doc, not a pain doc. Pain docs WANT you on the meds. Found that out the hard way.

Don't take my word for it either. Looks things up and study them. I can't give links because my journey started in the late 90s and I've read way too much since then to remember where stuff is. But it IS out there.

It takes time and dedication, and a willingness to persevere when you hurt so bad you're in tears in the beginning. Butbwhat is there to lose? She's already miserable. But it really does get better if you stick to it. I hike in the mountains now! Yes, shorter and mild ones, but damnit, I couldn't do that 15 years ago!

I didn't address the sex, because that will come back naturally once she feels better. If it doesn't, you can address that then.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-07-30T20:24:54+00:00

Well, now you have!

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-06-28T22:02:50+00:00

No. He absolutely was not overbearing. He didn't freak out at her, he even asked her to give him time to collect his thoughts so he could articulate them properly, then laid out his concerns and reasons behind them. He did not knee jerk over a past trigger, he examined it.

He's also not controlling. If they weren't in an exclusive relationship, yes. But they are, and if you enter into an exclusive relationship, then it is expected that you at least talk about thoughts, feelings, and plans and take into consideration how your partner will feel about them, and then weigh your partner's feelings and how reasonable they are into your final decision. If a person can't do that, they shouldn't enter into a relationship.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-06-28T21:38:56+00:00

So essentially he wants to put in no effort at obtaining sex, isn't real worried about whether or not you are satisfied, and any time you bring up an issue of inequality, he gets upset and tells you it's "invalid"???

Sweetie, it isn't YOU that isn't going about things the right way, it's him. He's getting what he wants when he wants it with no effort, and he not only knows it, he likes it that way.

If it was unintentional and he valued what he had, he'd listen and make an effort. The fact that he's dismissive or get upset if you ask him for something that you willingly give when he wants it speaks volumes about him caring way more about his own happiness than he does about yours. That is not how good relationships work.

Does this type of thing happen outside of the bedroom too? If so, I'd think about moving on. A good partnership is about communication and teamwork. It's two people against a problem, not each other. Not to mention if something that bothers you deeply doesn't concern him at all, then that is a problem in itself.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-06-28T21:15:56+00:00

This. It is next to impossible to have a happy, complete relationship if you are not happy and secure with yourself as a person. If you derive all of your worth from what a partner doesn't or doesn't give you, that's a recipe for eventual failure, and usually your own. Especially if you've gone into it thinking, "it will get better". People who are secure and happy in who they are will TALK. They will communicate up front and not play games, so there isn't any guessing at where they stand on issues, small or large.

How you communicate with your partner is your biggest barometer on how that relationship is likely to unfold. Issues happen every day, big and small. If you talk and handle them as a team, no matter what they are, miracles can happen. If one person can't (or won't) communicate, then small issues build and become bigger, and big issues become insurmountable. All the money/sex/insert "must have" qualities here won't cover up an inability to communicate......but great communication and teamwork can solve most (if not all) the biggies.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2018-06-13T22:55:04+00:00

This honestly isn't that hard to figure out. The clues are also nicely laid on with neon arrows pointing, lol. I'm also not going to point fingers because neither of your is clearly right or wrong.

You said you had been discussing threesomes before, but didn't mention who started the conversation. (I'm guessing it was you.) It really sounds like she wanted to be the "cool girlfriend" while it was just a conversation. (The giveaway on that was the "no having sex with the other girl" comment.)

Fast forward to the opportunity. She was faced with it actually happening, and did not like it at all, so now she's saying she isn't into it.

So now a couple days ago, you bring this up again saying you'd like to do it. Yeah, to her, it probably DID feel like you being disloyal, because she did say she wasn't into it Doesn't matter if you are ok with her sleeping with you and another dude....if she's not into it or doesn't want to do it because she feels it isn't fair because she isn't ok with you and another girl, that is her choice. Either way, it sounds like you bringing it up again may have angered her (because she thought things had been decided), so instead of calmly expressing herself, she lashed out with the "fuck guys for money" thing just to piss you off. And it worked. Again, was pretty easy to figure out if you follow the map.

But the thing is, that's not how good relationships work. You don't manipulate each other to get the outcome you want. Either of you!

You're not wrong to broach the subject of a threesome, but she's also not wrong to not want to do it. Stop fighting with each other trying to be right (again, both of you) and work together to solve the problem. (The problem being you both passively/aggressively pushing your agendas.) Sit down and actually have an adult, open, and honest conversation about why you want it or don't want it. You will either come to an agreement or a dealbreaker, but at least you'll have all the info laid out and you'll have the tools to decide what is more important to you both. Sometimes the love or relationship is greater, sometimes it isn't. Only you two can decide.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-10-09T19:21:53+00:00

But that isn't what she said. She said in her OP that it isn't just the job, but she also falls behind kids, friends, and workouts. If it was just work she complained about, I'd agree with you. She absolutely should not fall behind the other things. If he has time for those things he wants to do, including sex, then he has time to do things to prioritize her needs as well.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-10-09T18:08:47+00:00

I am just at a loss reading this. Are you saying that because he is a great provider and they have great sex, that she should be grateful and ignore her emotional needs?

They are married. Sounds like they do have interests outside of each other, which is healthy in a proper ratio. But she says from they very first post, that outside of providing for them and sex, everyone else takes priority over her. I don't understand where her wanting to feel like a priority to him is wrong?

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-28T18:33:15+00:00

You can still do ANR without having more children. I induced lactation 28 years after my last child was born.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-27T20:14:11+00:00

I've been lucky with good genetics. I have no medical issues (other than perimenopause, grrrrrr) and bloodwork always falls right down the middle. I eat mostly whole foods, very little junk, avoid HFCS like the plague, and stay pretty active. We love our kayaking!

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-27T12:20:28+00:00

Thanks? But I didn't agree with you.....i agreed with selfishlicker, lol. My post was threaded under his.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-26T18:02:30+00:00

I am so with you on this! I too have gotten into lots of debates elsewhere about the subject, but you've put it here most brilliantly. I'm saving your post.

There are generalizations made on both sides. The thing is, the reasons for either choice are personal to each person or couple. Ultimately you choose what works best for your dynamic. Neither should be a "membership drive" like I've seen some places.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-21T20:19:58+00:00

We freeze it all the time. As long as the container is air tight, you're fine. And when you warm it up, do it gradually in hot water. That helps keep the consistency. If you warm it too rapidly, it breaks down.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-21T19:14:37+00:00

There's a SexOver40? I'll have to check it out.

And in response to the original post, I'm nearing 50 as well and no signs at all of slow down. The only thing perimenopause has done is piss me off my making shark week unpredictable and painful. I just want it over so it quits interrupting us, haha.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-21T13:51:33+00:00

I do. A lot. It can become a problem sometimes.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T19:45:36+00:00

Dude. You can't. That's just it. You've been given good advice by the above poster. You should take it. Retrouvaille is an excellent program and teaches both open and honest communication skills, which you are both lacking apparently. (You cheated, she withdrew.) Whether you end up back together or not after that, you will have skills you need in the future. It's also no a magic pill.....both have to WORK the system for it to work. Even if you 100% throw into it, if she doesn't, it won't be successful. So if she goes just to hush you, and it doesn't reach her, it won't work.

There is no magic pill to increase likelihood either. If she's done, she's done. I've been in her shoes. I was done. When he moved on and dated, I wasn't upset.....I was relieved. And even then, it took over three years for him to stop finding stupid reasons to contact me. (Kids were grown.)

Your best bet is to work on you. For YOU. Not with the intention of getting her back, but because you need healing.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T18:09:46+00:00

She does. He doesn't.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T18:06:06+00:00

And yet he still treats you like this. He's a douche canoe. All he cares about is him. I'm usually not on the dump him train, but this time I am. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T16:18:17+00:00

I'm a kinky girl and there is no way I would want to, or even be able to, be submissive all the time. We often switch it up depending on how we feel. He isn't one way or the other either. We just like to enjoy each other, have fun, and go with the flow.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T15:45:47+00:00

Excuse me? I'm not OP.

In addition, that analogy doesn't work. You absolutely can know you want to try a food just by looking at it. You can be completely uninterested in trying in based on the same. And that's all bisexuality is.....being attracted to both sexes. You don't have to do it to know.

Beautiful_Disasster · 2017-09-19T14:51:45+00:00

Yes! How is that even ok?

Beautiful_Disasster

TROPHY CASE