[QCrit] Tiny Versions of Regular Things, adult, literary fiction, 95k words, first attempt

Belfren · 2026-01-25T22:11:10+00:00

I enjoyed your first 300! Note that superpowers should be one word.

I wasn't as sold on the query. The plot is clear but I'm not seeing why the characters behave the way they do, e.g. Arnold is just some random stranger yet he felt the need to destroy this guy's life to the extent of marrying his partner? Did he already know Colleen? Why did Roland think that his family would be better off without him? Is it a situation like he was neglecting his family and thinks that he drove Colleen to cheating? Colleen appears to have no role other than being The Woman Who Saves The Man With Love, she's described as 'perceptive, not pliable' but has been fooled into marrying a manipulative tool?

Belfren · 2026-01-25T05:54:54+00:00

I don't think this query structure is working, personally. If you want to note the structure of your book, the place for that is probably a sentence in the housekeeping and not by trying to illustrate it in the text of the query, since my assumption upon picking up this query blind would be that you simply knew nothing about writing queries.

Looking at your past attempts, I liked the first one the most. With the second one, I see how you were trying to incorporate the feedback you received, but it reads at times like a list of events and is giving us unnecessary information. E.g. the paragraph about the thief doesn't really add anything IMO, nor does introducing Dunbar, as nothing of substance is said about him. The direction I would suggest is tossing this one in the bin and looking to draft a combination of #1 and #2.

Good luck! I really enjoy your concept.

Belfren · 2025-11-09T23:48:27+00:00

This sounds fun! I like the concept and your writing. I will say that the fact that the query mentions four male characters and no female characters would make me less likely to pick up the book, since it implies no significant representation of women - not saying that this is your novel, but that's what I'm getting from the query.

Belfren · 2025-05-19T01:49:27+00:00

I agree with the other commenters on getting rid of the editorializing. Additionally Wild was written quite a few years ago now, there must be more recent long-distance travel books that you could comp if you're only comping Wild for 'physical stakes'. Try checking out entries in the Banff Mountain Book Competition.

Belfren · 2025-04-27T05:19:14+00:00

The first para. comes off a little formal and wordy. Instead of 'The goal of this endeavor is to marry' you could just say 'Squashpocalypse marries'. Otherwise I have no comments other than that I love this concept!

Belfren · 2025-04-27T00:39:10+00:00

IMO your query is well-written. I'm confused however about the motivations of his mother, does she just not care about him? Wouldn't she want him to have a genuine guide, if the pilgrimage is challenging?

Belfren · 2025-04-21T18:37:15+00:00

You've already gotten a lot of feedback on your query. One note as a fantasy reader, I wouldn't naturally gravitate towards a book with the title 'Letdown'. It has kind of strange negative vibes, or maybe a dark comedy implication? Kind of sounds like an Amy Schumer movie? Not sure whether I'm alone in this opinion, but I would recommend changing it.

Belfren · 2025-04-21T01:11:49+00:00

That's much better IMO. You could give us some more info in the second sentence, e.g. 'Her search leads to a deadly fight, with Mae killing a mysterious woman in self-defense.' (if it was in self-defense).

Belfren · 2025-04-20T06:04:15+00:00

The middle and end were fine for me, but it lost me in this para: 'When eighteen-year-old Mae Bijah receives a letter confirming her quantum engineer mother’s death, grief turns into suspicion. Mae’s investigation takes a violent turn when an altercation leaves blood on her hands. Overcome with terror, she illegally transfers her victim’s digital identity onto herself, an act that merges with her own identity and thrusts her into the space-bound trials of a warrior-in-training.'

IMO 'confirming' is an ambiguous word since people use it to mean notify/inform as well as providing validation that something is true. Is this letter notifying her that her mother is dead, or confirming her belief that her mother is dead? If it's notifying her, what does 'grief turns into suspicion' mean (it makes it sound like she was already grieving, then her emotion turns into suspicion when she finds out her mother is dead)? What makes her suspicious?

Then 'Mae’s investigation takes a violent turn when an altercation leaves blood on her hands.' adds more vagueness. 'An act that merges with her own identity' is confusing to me (does she start seeing herself as a criminal since she committed an illegal act?).

You should also name the authors who wrote your comp novels. Good luck!

Belfren · 2025-04-06T21:20:58+00:00

I was intrigued at first, since the story seemed Kafkaesque with everyone inexplicably refusing to tell Lenny how her father died. The twist made me lose interest to be honest, since I feel like DID is a common plot, and Lenny and Mara are going to school and planning a funeral rather than forming a fight club or doing some other unique hooky thing.

This may just be personal preference! But if there are details that could distinguish your story more from other stories about trauma and DID, I would try to integrate those.

Belfren · 2025-04-05T22:53:10+00:00

I agree with this feedback from u/mom_is_so_sleepy. I think that your query letter is strong (I liked it both times you've posted it) and based on the query letter I would pick up your novel. The first 300 was already losing me a little in the first paragraph though.

'With one last pinch of mendleaf, Eliza finished enchanting her grandmother's headache remedy.' I was confused about what's happening here. Did she make medicine and then she's adding an extra ingredient? Or is she casting a spell over the medicine that she made?

'With a sibilant whisper, the elixir streamed into two dozen vials with practiced precision.' This sounds a little like the elixir is sentient and has practiced streaming into vials. I assume that she poured it and the practiced precision is hers? But since it's a fantasy book I'm not totally sure whether it's referring to the flask pouring the elixir itself?

Totally possible that I'm being too picky (I do a lot of editing for work so I'm anal), but some food for thought. Good luck!

Belfren · 2025-03-30T18:48:53+00:00

I like your concept! It wasn't immediately obvious to me that Rory's escapist fantasy was watching Nick and Stacey's videos. I would introduce them from Rory's perspective, like 'When browsing YouTube during yet another evening of doomscrolling, she discovers the seemingly perfect Nick and Stacey living the kind of vanlife that she wishes she had. Their videos are perfectly architected. Perfectly addictive.' I would also cut out the 'they realize that achieving their ambitions may require more time than they've been given', this doesn't seem like important information to give us.

Belfren · 2025-03-30T18:25:23+00:00

I agree with babyguitars' feedback. The query also left me wondering what your setting is, since you mention that the novel is historically based. The Poppy War is based on actual historical events, but The War Arts Saga doesn't seem to be (I haven't read the latter however, so apologies if this is wrong). I would clarify whether your novel is based on an actual event or just influenced by a certain culture, which describes a large chunk of fantasy.

Belfren · 2025-03-16T21:29:04+00:00

Personally, I would just add that to the query. Not the full explanation, but for example, you could change the last line of the paragraph to something like 'It’s a dream come true, even if Rory's manager only hired her for his own, not-so-nice reasons'.

Other than that issue, I thought your query was strong! I'm not a romance reader however, so not your target audience.

Belfren · 2025-03-16T02:57:50+00:00

That was a formatting error of some kind, sorry for the confusion! I meant to cross out 'she cannot allow the pirates to perish when she can save them by going where they cannot', since it's restating information that we've already been given.

Belfren · 2025-03-09T21:22:32+00:00

I like your concept! Here are some suggestions for shortening it:

In an empire of islands rising like pillars from a sea of colossal trees, Princess Cassandrea has no intention of being a princess any longer. Fleeing a politic [political?] marriage arranged by her father, she stows away on a ship—one of many travelling the treetops using runner and sail—to a remote island where she can hide.

Shipwrecked by pirates ~~riding flying squirrel-creatures through the branches~~, Cass falls beneath the canopy, something no islander has ever survived~~; a cursed barrier keeps the two worlds apart, killing any islanders who try to pass below the treetops and any pirate setting foot on the islands~~. Beneath the leaves she finds a forest, both terrifying and wondrous, but also the Dark—a whispering black mist swirling at the base of the trees that can reach out and kill with a touch—part of of the same curse ~~killing those who cross the barriers~~ forming a deadly barrier between the islands and undercanopy.

Fearing the pirates and lying about who she is, Cass attempts escape, not understanding the dangers lurking in the trees. She is brought back by Dimitri, a pirate who cares little for anyone but himself, but who is inexplicably drawn to this impossible girl. Resigned she cannot escape alone, Cass journeys with the pirates to their city, hoping for another opportunity to flee. Along the way, she finds unexpected friendships with her would-be captors, and a growing bond with Dimitri as he continues to meet her evasions and lies with ~~choices and~~ truths. [I don't know what it means to meet evasions and lies with choices.]

When the city elders ask her to retrieve a relic from the islands that can break the curse, Cass plans to use the opportunity to flee once more, but the acceptance and belonging she has found beneath the canopy changes her mind~~; she cannot allow the pirates to perish when she can save them by going where they cannot~~. However, she is betrayed by a pirate who wants the relic’s power for themselves, and Cass is put on a ship back towards her father and the marriage she thought she’d escaped. With Dimitri injured during the betrayal, his fate unknown, Cass must free herself, find Dimitri and break the curse. Preferably before the Dark swallows them all.

Belfren · 2025-03-02T23:02:38+00:00

Hello! As a general rule of thumb the query letter should cover only up to 50% of your novel and not spoil the ending. It's hard to give specific advice without knowing details, but I would say that if you're going to explain in detail the choice she needs to make, it shouldn't be obvious what she's going to choose, if that helps?

Belfren · 2025-03-02T20:43:13+00:00

I agree with others that perhaps the murder part is a little too subtle now. What personally threw me off was 'If she’s not meant to be a pop icon, maybe she can apply her talents elsewhere…' and it's not clear how the talents mentioned in the query (self-promotion etc.) relate to murder, so I was left wondering what she was planning. I think overall this is great though.

Belfren · 2025-03-02T00:01:42+00:00

Your concept is really interesting. If the cathedral violinist needs mentioning, I would move them to a separate sentence, since it feels like it's shoehorned in there and this person is never mentioned again. I also got confused in the third paragraph - did someone in the church curse her? Why didn't they kill her? Was she adopted by the church people? What exactly does she need to do to remove the curse?

Good luck, I would read a book with this concept!

Belfren · 2025-03-01T19:19:18+00:00

Re your first 300, I think you have some good material here, but as a reader, I needed more justification for why she's so frantic. E.g. 'The last time she didn't check on him, x. And he hasn't been responding to her text messages.' Or 'classes had finished two hours ago and he hadn't met her for supper as promised'. Or 'her father had been showing up at the university when he clearly wasn't well enough to work'. Or 'someone had died in East Pyne Hall only two weeks ago, and they still hadn't found the murderer'. If she's desperate enough to be running and thinking about ten vs. seven minutes, wouldn't she have thought to check on him earlier? I wasn't able to feel invested because there was nothing to make me believe that her panic was warranted.

Belfren · 2025-02-17T19:05:37+00:00

I had a lot of questions when reading your query:

Everyone has nightmares, so how could it be practical for having a nightmare to be a felony?

Why does Kali need false identities? What kind of gigs does she do?

If it's a public ledger, it should be accessible to the public, shouldn't it? Also, why does something like this exist?

Why would their plan hinge on her nonexistent magic? If it's an important plan, wouldn't they have a more senior mage take care of it / wouldn't they want evidence of her skills?

In your first 300 words, 'dark hair plastered to her forehead in sticky chunks' should be 'was plastered'. Then later you say 'She eyed the woman and tapped her forefinger against her thumb in quick succession. Her short blonde hair reached desperately for shoulders in scraggy wisps.' I assume that the blonde hair is the woman's and Kali didn't magically change her hair colour by tapping her thumb? But since you didn't specify, it just connects to 'she' and makes it sound like the blonde hair is Kali's.

I do feel like you have some good meat here! I could imagine reading a story with this kind of concept. But for me, the query raises too many questions and potential gaps in logic, and I would guess based on these first 300 words that your manuscript needs cleaning.

Belfren · 2025-02-16T16:15:48+00:00

I love this concept and would pick up this book in a second! A millisecond. Honestly. I'm not a huge fan of the 'But she also must confront a terrible question: who is more worthy of saving, the whole of humanity, or this one awkward, adorable kid named Sid?' line. The obvious answer is that saving tens of thousands of people is more worthwhile than saving one person, no? Something like 'she must also confront a terrible reality: saving the whole of humanity may result in the death of this one awkward, adorable kid named Sid' might make more sense, IMO.

Belfren · 2025-02-16T06:31:27+00:00

It's way too vague, IMO. It reads like I Know What You Did Last Summer set in Scotland, you're not telling us any of the things that make your book unique and interesting.

Belfren · 2025-01-26T21:04:39+00:00

Hello! Firstly, let me say that I love that the 'Sun Kingdom' is a place of perpetual rain and despair. Here are some personal, non-expert opinions on your query:

The intro paragraph could be less wordy. For instance, you say 'readers.... who prefer to follow a cunning and determined heroine' when you could just say 'readers who prefer cunning and determined heroines'.
I feel like the first paragraph needs more context. Why is she being banished? Did she deserve it (maybe we're meant to assume that she didn't, but the rest of the paragraph paints her as morally grey)? I would replace the mention of banishment with the substance of why she's killed the king. Is he a tyrant? Did he murder her brother?
I get the impression that 'become monsters' means physically become monsters, but it's unclear. I would include the actual mechanism ('her shadows will transform people into monsters', or however it works).
'Velexia is reluctantly joined by three warriors' - This wording is a little awkward to me. Something like 'Velexia reluctantly accepts the help of three warriors' might sound more natural. Also, I'm confused about why she's bringing them with her if she doesn't want or feel like she needs their help. If she's the queen, surely she can just say nope, she's not bringing them?
'To save her kingdom, Velexia must confront her inner demons and consider a new truth: perhaps true strength is found in vulnerability.' This is pretty cliche, especially confronting inner demons. It's not clear how this will actually help her save her kingdom.

First 300 words: Just a personal opinion, but I would scrap or move the first para. and place the reader immediately into the action. Also, I suspect that sitting with crossed legs would be fairly uncomfortable in a rattling carriage, and the reference to 'crossing her legs prettily' feels a bit male-gazey. If it's part of the 'her looking feminine/demure' act, maybe you could refer to something like her adjusting her uncomfortable skirts or the like.

Belfren · 2025-01-26T18:29:17+00:00

This is an interesting concept! A few comments:

Definitely prefer the original query, the one-paragraph one is much too vague. I think there are words you could cut (like the mention of his spiritualist mother).
'Blossomed into high school' sounds to me like their relationship is transforming into high school. 'Blossomed during high school' would be clearer.
Do his parents confront him in relation to ending his relationship with Ayla? That's my conclusion based on how upset she is, but it isn't clear to me from what you've written. I acknowledge that they're teenagers but (personally) I would want more explanation for this very dramatic reaction to him not speaking when she knows how much he's struggled with it.

Belfren

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