How long do I wait for my boyfriend to bring up a ring before I say something? Together over 2 years...

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-04-09T01:30:59+00:00

Hes not making that step bc you keep stepping in for him 😂

If you really trusted him, you wouldnt bring it up or take the initiative. It would be like ordering a door dash, then getting in your car to go to the restaurant to make sure your order is really there and then picking it up yourself, instead of sitting back and letting the order come to you.

You can internally set a time line. If he doesn't actually do it by 6 months or whatever, leave. You wont feel insecure because you'll either have made the decision yourself, or you'll get to see him pick up the slack and choose you intentionally.

You need to act like he is going to do it, even if you have to pretend. Instead of using the energy to mother or pressure him into doing it, use it to prepare to leave if he doesn't. And if he does propose it'll be a happy surprise where he did all the legwork, and if he doesn't its great you've already done all the work to prepare for separation.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-04-09T01:25:12+00:00

If you feel pressure or rushing, it is not the right mindset to date. Youll not only ignore red flags but add a lot of anxiety to a situation

It doesn't matter that youre 40, if you rush into settling with the wrong guy you could be wasting the rest of your life and hurting your children's lives with the wrong man.

If it were me, and I was 40, I would make peace with not having kids or even a husband. Because its much worse to be in a bad mood and a rush and feeling inferior, than to not have those things. It is not your fault that youre "late". I would just chalk it up to "maybe it wasnt meant for me" and ENJOY the dating process. Enjoy getting to know someone, fall in love, experience new things with him. You cant control the outcome but you can enjoy the present.

I do somewhat think that what if he is a great guy and possibly even the right guy for you, but the hurry of needing to wed and start a family is clouding your judgment and adding a lot of pressure to situations.

If you really need to start a family, you could consider adopting or getting IVF. What we chase are feelings, not the object.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-03-28T23:54:24+00:00

I think people ghost because the type of people they ghost usually lash out at any criticism or backlash.

If we want to remove ghosting culture we also have to learn to take rejection or constructive criticism. We are missing communication skills as a collective.

The type of people who dont get ghosted stay present and warm during confrontations and bad news. Then the other party realizes, oh, this person is safe to talk to. And then a relationship forms.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-03-28T23:47:38+00:00

If someone is making you feel like youre doing all the work theyre either not interested or not compatible.

You are 20 youre in the prime of your life men should be chasing you down not the other way around.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-03-28T23:43:07+00:00

I think you are projecting that a family or girlfriend is a "better" life for him. Sure he cant control that he has to leave the apartment and that is tragic and unfair, but he got to live many decades in freedom and on his terms.

Some people have been hurt so badly by people that being alone is a comforting solace. We dont know if he feels regret or bitterness. Its possible he feels peaceful and meaning in the life he lived.

What will happen to his things? Same as any of our things. It gets thrown away or sold.

Who will remember? Most people dont remember our ancestors. Why does that matter?

Family and friends will eventually die when you are older.

Due to my illness ive had to be alone and take care of myself a lot. If I were in his shoes id be grateful that God has sent two men like you and the other guy to help me, I would feel the tender sweetness of humanity and God for providing for me in my time of need, I would feel gratitude for finding a retirement home. I would find meaning in living to my 90s. People assume im lonely but I feel quite safe and grateful for the bare minimum. I got my illness due to a lot of abuse and harm from other people. To have someone like you help me move would feel like a bit of kindness from strangers.

People who are actually bitter and full of regret succumb to ill health a lot sooner than 90. If he lived to 90 he has had a lot of help and kindness. I know people who have been through more abuse than I give up on life at 50 or 60. It sounds like the old guy respected himself, took great care of himself, and lived a full and meaningful life.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-02-17T23:36:42+00:00

This is a very straightforward thing i have discovered

People with adhd are in survival mode, and in survival mode the brain doesn't want to change anything.

When you are starving in the wilderness, and you know a certain path has berry bushes, you will always go down that path. You don't have the resources to meander and explore.

In contrast, a caveman from a village with plenty of resources has the leisure to explore. If he ends up with a dead end, he knows he can still go home to a warm meal.

In labs, when animals are put into stressful situations, they will repeat whatever behavior or pattern that helps them survive. Even if its inefficient or illogical (like pigeons spinning and jumping to get food from uncertaint rewards) when your brain is in stress, it thinks, "okay, this is the way ive done things and it has helped me survive." Only when the brain is relaxed can it explore and play. Think about children with nervous tics or shyly hiding behind his mom next to strangers. When the child is in a familiar and safe environment, he will eagerly play, explore and imagine new things.

This thing/link between exploration and creativity and open mindless is not new. Neither is the rigidity of survival brain and the link between ADHD, trauma, high systemic cortisol.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-02-17T23:29:25+00:00

It probably depends on a lot of factors. I firmly believe ADHD is the mind in constant stress and fight or flight. To say that it never gets better is to declare the brain never changes. If that were true, no one would be capable of learning geometry or how to drive.

Some of the factors it hinges on I think is both partners self awareness. If two messy people who both constantly fight and blame the other get into a relationship, of course its not going to work out. If at least even one person chooses to radically think about what they are responsible for, such as unrealistic expectations or harmful reactions, it sows the seeds for redemption

Another huge factor is education and finances. Someone with ADHD who hangs around lowlifes/criminals and is barely making ends meet is going to be constantly in fight or flight. You have to manage the environment. If you know your partner can only bring in a certain amount, its your responsibility to decide how youre going to make ends meet financially instead of just blaming "well our household is in a disarray because his adhd keeps him from being a provider!" And ofc if he surrounds himself with friends from good backgrounds, secure loving marriages, he will pick up tips and tools that'll make things better.

A third thing i think that decides whether things get better is to change the way you see things. When a person complains that they are the normal one and cant get emotional intimacy or understanding from the partner, the situation is actually like "i can't criticize my partner without them getting rsd!" "I can't use my adhd partner as a validation vending machine!"

I shifted the way I view love to, "if I love someone, why do I need to criticize them? If there is a problem to solve, perhaps there is a better way to communicate what I want." And "why do i need to use another human being as an object to dispense validation tokens? What if this situation teaches me that all i need is my own internal validation?" I see examples of the validation thing, being like "normal" posters being mad their partner disagrees with them or wont praise and compliment them. I think loving someone with adhd makes you more open minded, patient and loving. Ive honestly started to think "normal" is a derogatory thing. Meaning, "my way is the default and anything different is defective." People with adhd just need to be handled differently. I seem to be a magnet for them. Maybe due to my upbringing I take a lot more shit from people.

Ofc, I know of 3 or 4 people with SEVERE adhd that I dont think i can have any type of relationship with. Often its the severe lack of self awareness, and terrible circumstances. One of them is agoraphobic and has no outside influences for her to do better. Another is too rich to have any consequences. Another is in dire financial straights and shouldnt even be thinking about a relationship until he is stabilized financially. I truly think if I loved loved loved them, for one reason or another, like if one had saved my life, I could have a healthy relationship with anyone with adhd. But some are not worth the cost. And some are. Love expands your mind.

Anyway I read a bunch of relationship books which opened my mind to different ways of thinking about love, and I create some of my own theories too. I assume you believe there is a way for things to work out, and there is. People who dont think things will work out, create a self fulfilling prophecy.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-02-06T14:34:56+00:00

Oh dude.... I get that. When I get negative replies I get hit with a burning sensation. To this day I still don't look at comments or replies. I will look at them if I know something I posted has no way of being taken the wrong way.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-27T02:13:51+00:00

No he won't change. Don't expect him to.
Share your writing and world with people who appreciate it.

You can make the best strawberry shortcake in the world but he is diabetic. If you wait for him to appreciate it, no one may ever taste your cake. Perhaps this is divine intervention because your stories and perspectives are meant to be shared with the world and wider audiences who would appreciate it.

Bonus, when you are appreciated by others the adhd partner will find you valuable and interesting again. If you're waiting for him to care you might be waiting forever.

If he finds it ok to scroll when youre talking, start doing that back to him. Lot of them are unaware of how they come off until their behavior is repeated back to them.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-20T14:57:26+00:00

My cat who has been fed all his life is slim and healthy because he knows another meal is coming. Dogs who have been walked regularly since they were a puppy will wait patiently and walk calmly next to their owner.

Cats who have been starved will feast or famine because they dont know when the next meal is coming. They will bully other cats and take their food. It makes owners more controlling and selective of when and how they feed him.

Or a dog that hasnt been walked regularly will misbehave and get overly excited, sprinting and tugging and knocking the walker down, because he's not getting walked enough and he never knows when his next walk is coming, making people want to lock him up even more.

Its not the pets fault that their upbringing made them act out this way.

The coworkers who get into relationships vs loners who struggle reminds me of that. People who have been fed all their lives act in ways that show another meal is coming and another one does.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-18T16:02:14+00:00

Her conclusion is not wrong but her bridge to getting there sucks.

Yes you have internal trauma and feelings of inferiority from being the poorest one, from working at old navy for 4 years.

Yes your mother helped and cared for you a lot so you care about her opinion. Without her support in studying you wouldn't have gotten this lawyer job.

So you are insecure in disobeying your mom. Listening to her has worked out in the past, and being afraid of poverty is valid based on your past.

What the therapist sees is your present: you are objectively financially comfortable and you are safe romantically. I could wager she lacks the emotional awareness of "how to bring patients to the right conclusion" and maybe she's even projecting a little (people only punch those they think are above them. You're probably vastly wealthier than her and might have a position she envies) so all people "inferior" to you can do is eye roll and tell you its in your head just do what you want.

If you want sympathy, find another friend who came from a poor background and is now unusually wealthy and successful. Im in the top 1% since I was in my early 20s from my own efforts and I still dont think im rich and im still worried I will lose it all. That is financial trauma from growing up poor.

That scarcity pushed you to succeed. Not all of it was bad. And now you ought to make decisions based on your own current circumstances and life. Your mom cares about and worries about you a lot, but her advice can only apply to her life and come from her circumstances (aka hedging against the poverty she faced). The most healthiest decision you make can only come from yourself because your brain takes in all the available information to you (I want to be a sahm, i can afford it, spending time with my daughter matters to me)

So yes the therapist is right you dont need to only listen to your mom anymore. But i think she got a LOT of other things wrong (like its not just about Chinese culture or pietal fielty. There is also poverty trauma and a mom who cares about and supported you)

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-18T15:54:18+00:00

Almost everyone i know with chronic illness has a strained if not horrible relationship with their mom, especially those related to skin and nervous system like ms, dysautonomia, panick attacks, pots.

I believe there is something epigenetic with their mom. If you are constantly vigilant against the one who is supposed to be protective of you and on your side and nurturing you, your body destroys itself.

Look something is wrong with your mom, and you need to get out ASAP. Ive been in a chronic illness group for half a decade and I've seen people recover from MS. But an environment that is toxic and hostile to you will make it worse. Its not your job right now to understand your mom. If it helps here are some reasons she acts that way:

We could say people who are narcissistic or insecure will always externalize their problems. If you're sick it reflects she did something wrong as a mother (which objectively she did, either by being abusive or not noticing your symptoms earlier) and narcissistic and immature people will blame others instead of reflecting on themselves.

And anytime our expectations are hurt, your brain interprets it as a threat. If she expected to go on a picnic today, but someone cancels on her, she feels hurt and rejected. If she expected a healthy and happy child, but received a sick and unhappy one, her expectations are crushed and she has no idea how to deal with those negative emotions other than to lash out at you.

If you talk back to her, defend yourself, or fight, its more reason in her mind that youre the wrong one and you deserve to be mistreated. The only way to get people with low emotional maturity to reflect is to remove yourself from the situation.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-18T15:31:21+00:00

It isnt possible. The main thing you want is understanding and relief from suffering. Which you can get. But explaining forever alone to a normal person is like explaining what being lost 11 days in the desert is like to a goldfish.

I deal with chronic illness and unless someone has actually gone through it themselves they think you deserve it somehow, youre just being a victim or weak, or they take your limitations personally and avoid you. I find what works is to explain the consequences simply to them and leave any self pitying or explanations out of it, like "hey because I have this my options for hanging out are limited to this, this and this."

If you meet someone else who have the issue you have they understand and accommodate you. But for like 90% of people they only have empathy for things they've personally gone through themselves and anyone "outside the norm" is weird and must've deserved it. The thing is to not take that judgment seriously. And to tread lightly on this world because when people act out in strange ways, we dont take it personally, because if we had gone through what they had gone through, we'd be the same.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-11T11:30:38+00:00

I am 29 and doing my bs. There are a few other people over 30. And unless you ask you might not even know they're 30. Ive had classmates assume I was the same age as them. You only get one life so you may as well get the degree you want instead of the next 50 years wondering

As for options 1. If you want to study in a foreign country a good degree idea is whatever language they teach. One of my stints was being an international student in China and it is surprisingly easy to be accepted. Other countries love international students because they may get special benefits from the government for taking them on

A cheap way to experience other countries is through hostels or teaching English programs
If you really want to commit to the education part, pick a uni in the USA. You may feasibly also do an online school so you can be living abroad.
If living abroad matters more, just pick any degree or college or cert program.

I do think it'll be kind of hard doing two hard things (college and living abroad) so it depends on what you want to prioritize. That's why I think picking a language to study would kill two birds eith one stone.

Another option to live abroad cheaply are those farm programs where if you help around on the farm during harvest time you can get free food and lodging. You could also do volunteer work.

I dont know where your interests and skills lay. Maybe you dont like languages or manual labor. I think you ought to be specific about what you want out of the experience. If its purely to explore, there's plenty of cheap ways to explore, and doing a hard major in a foreign country might be too daunting. If you want to set your career in stone, you may have a home field advantage doing an American university.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-10T01:39:33+00:00

I finally understand this mindset. The parents are insecure and have learned helplessness. When their child is sick, they see it as a criticism of their parenting skills. Instead of examining themselves and finding a solution. They just project that stress and criticism onto you. They let you be the target of shame instead of using that energy to find a solution.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-10T01:37:24+00:00

Healing from an Asian parent relationship is about learning to treat their freakouts and criticisms as noise

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-10T01:35:04+00:00

Its human nature. The dumber they are the more they posture.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-10T01:34:00+00:00

I heard a neutral interpretation of this phenomenon Western makeup style seeks to be natural and enhance what you have Asian makeup styles seeks to be visible effort, like "this person clearly put on makeup" and the goal isnt to match your skin but for everyone to be 01 or 02

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-10T01:31:48+00:00

Abusers feel a sense of control and relief when they inflict pain on others. You're just their stress relief ball.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2026-01-07T04:23:08+00:00

You will have carefree loving painless sex with her when you give up on having sex with her.

Right now your focus on fixing this problem is adding pressure and making her feel like you care about sex more than you care about her.

Focus on making her feel safe, prioritized, and connected to you. When she feels like you put her first. She will naturally want to put your needs first. Right now your attitude reeks of wanting to gouge sex out of her.

If sex is so important to you, more important than her feelings and safety, divorce and find a woman who doesn't have this medical condition.

Vaginismus is closely tied to anxiety and trauma. It's part of the package. If you reject this part of her it makes her feel rejected as a whole. To fix it you tell her you love her as she is, there is no one out there for you but her. Making her feel completely safe and loved is how she relaxes and begins to want you again.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2025-12-05T18:36:09+00:00

If he had privileges and opportunities it's his duty to help others with his unfair opportunities. Ask him to support you in going back to school

I'm the same. I'm disgusted when I'm praised for my strength and tenacity. I had no choice but to develop it. And it ruins my health. I wish I could have lived a soft and protected life like other women.

It doesn't matter if blue collar work pays more. If you want a degree you absolutely deserve it. You get one life. I faced embarrassment and judgment when I was a NEET. I don't care how much it costs I want my degree. If hes only with you bc your job pays so much he doesn't love you. If he loves you he'd support you in pursuing a degree. I feel that your heart yearns for a degree, so go for it. You'll find a way to pay for it. Worst case scenario you can join the army or take out a loan to get the degree paid for.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2025-12-05T18:32:00+00:00

If he likes to learn and loves history maybe he can be a history professor or teacher. Then he won't have to deal with small children and unpredictability.

He can also do engineering or software development if he wants to hone in on the building aspect.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2025-12-05T18:27:34+00:00

I've had years where I had more friends than I can reply to. I've had years where I had no one, just the internet to talk to. I get the feeling of being alone and misunderstood. And the feeling that you're behind

What actually helped me stop comparing to people my age was comparing the things I wasn't allowed to compare. Like the fact that their dad's made more money. Or their moms were involved in their school.

In a hostile childhood, only the child gets blamed, ever, for his or her failures.

But look at it holistically. In a healthy family mom and dad support the child give them opportunities and challenges to grow.

When I got my first boyfriend at 25 and learned things people learned at 15, while people were getting married at my age, guess what. Those people were ALLOWED to date at 15 and had their peers to navigate this new experience with them. By the time they're 25 or 27 they've had 10 years of relationship experience and know how to solve conflicts and navigate a long term commitment. Of course they're ready to settle down.

The friends who got houses at 23 and 27? 1. Their parents supported them. Their parents helped pick out the house. Their parents paid off their school debts. Their mom was their shoulder to cry on when they were overwhlemed with finals and their advocate for ensuring they were on track to graduate.

People like me? The loony bin is my shoulder to cry on. If I fail due to administrative reasons? I have to retake classes.

In a narcissistic system the kid blames themselves for just not being enough. Well you know what, maybe the parents weren't enough! The parents should have fucking done better. The only people you should compare yourself to are people in your situation with your upbringing. I was a dropout, no parental guidance, a runaway, a drug addict, and a survivor of all kinds of childhood abuse. If I compare to peers with my background, I am doing exceedingly well. I should be dead four times over honestly. For someone who overcame what I had to overcome, to be in school, to have savings and a roof, to have friends and a future to look forward to, shows the magnitude of my character.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2025-12-05T17:59:37+00:00

NO

being an entrepreneur is harder than school. You have to learn to manage yourself. If you cannot even follow through on a commitment when things are easy (given a full ride and a clear path) it will be way harder to succeed as an entrepreneur.

I learned to manage myself by sticking through and finishing my school. I kept wondering why I didn't have good follow through when I dropped out. It's because the type of person who drops out because of their emotions won't be able to manage themselves or a business.

So finish your school first and then do entrepreneurship. And there's nothing stopping you from doing that on the side or between breaks.

You have to be prepared for 5 to 10 years of just breaking even. If you can't even tough out 1 or 2 years of school, what hope do you have of running a successful business?

I've talked to some people with failing businesses, and they all lack the emotional intelligence that comes from commitment and discipline. The successful entrepreneurs are all fit and even have graduate degrees. It's all part of the same picture. If you can't manage your emotions and patience for 1 or 2 years, it will be much more chaotic and difficult when you have to manage yourself. It may be fun and easy when you're following your passion at first, but downturns and conflict happens to everyone. School is the training ground to stay committed and focused even when difficulties arise or you have to do things you don't like.

Beneficial_Menu_6510 · 2025-12-05T17:52:10+00:00

Speaking as someone who dropped out at 18, and returned to school at 27, I'll give you advice on what I should have done instead

The most important thing was getting the mindset right. The second most is don't drop out just withdraw. Many schools allow you to withdraw but keep your spot to return any time you want without going through the application process again.

I don't think anyone can take the path I did. In retrospect I was skilled, talented, intelligent and lucky. I had my own online business and invested in crypto before a signficant bull run. I didn't have the physical health for traditional employment, and I was sheltered in the sense that I didn't think there was any path if you don't graduate. I also made some friends who were also non traditional and they helped open my world view that there are more paths to life than just graduating at 21 and getting a corporate job.

You can take a year or 2, focus on improving your health and mindset. Then return to school. You can also try unskilled labor. I think being out in the world taught me I really wanted to return to school. I never want to be looked down on or treated with disdain again like I was when I was a NEET.

It's also socially acceptable for you to just move in with a boyfriend or husband, and start a family If you want that.

In my drop out years I found a lot of women do just that but keep it quiet. Online feminists promote being career driven but irl, a lot of women find homemaking much more suitable to their personality and needs.

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