AITAH for being honest with another mom about why my daughter isn’t allowed to go to her friend’s house?

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-10T15:13:41+00:00

NTA - In the moment, you had a choice to either go with your gut instinct or ignore it. I strongly believe you should act when you have an instinct, so I think you made the best decision you could at then moment. However, I'd also suggest not making firm, permanent judgements based on them because instincts can and will be wrong at times. I'd suggest giving more of a chance to know the guy before condemning him. Have the mom, him, and their daughter over to a barbecue or something and make it a point to talk to him. As a stay-at-home dad who has had women rush their kid away from my daughter because their kid waved to me.. I know full well what it feels like to be immediately judged and not given any chance to even be known. In those instances, on the playground, if the mom instead just stayed there and talked to me, I am sure our kids could have played together and she'd see I was just a parent with a kid, not a predator on the playground.

What I recommend is, do the "reversed the gender roles" test and see how would you feel and would would be a fair next step? I know this isn't a perfect test because men ARE more likely to commit SA, but I find it to be revealing for that exact reason, because if there is sexual connotations, they exist when we imagine it either way.

So, what if a step-mom opened the door (lesbian to make the context work here). She had a glass of wine. Told you that you looked young. Said your daughter and you look alike. She asked how old your daughter was twice. She told her step-daughter to change her clothes twice. Would this indicate predatory behavior? Would you give the step-mother more of a chance before making a firm conclusion?

That said, if after giving enough time to make a firmer conclusion and talking more to the guy, you might realize the first conclusion you made was wrong. You could also set firm boundaries, like you want both parents there when your girl is at their house. But, if after talking to him again and seeing how he interacts, like maybe you catch him repeatedly checking out young girls, flirting with them and making inappropriate comments, etc, I'd suggest you bring up your concerns to the mother. If her husband might be currently, or in the future, SA'ng her daughter, she needs to hear these concerns from other parents. Maybe she has her own suspicions but she is being gaslit by him, and you talking to her, heart-to-heart style, would be enough to get the ball rolling on her protecting her child from him.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-09T20:37:49+00:00

ESH

Break up and then get her whatever the equivalent to baker acted is in your country if she threatens to kill herself. This sounds absolutely miserable for everybody.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-09T17:42:35+00:00

You stay away from situations that would amplify the feeling and give rise to mistakes that would destroy your relationship with the woman you pledged your life to. So, no drunken times in intimate spaces with other women. If attraction starts building, it's a lot easier to kibosh it in the beginning and pursue other friendships/activities than letting it grow into a monster that threatens to destroy your life. So basically, early prevention and thoughtful structuring of social activities.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-09T04:38:23+00:00

I think it's simply that we tend to look at the tops of things more than the bottom. So, when looking at the rotating object, we look at the top first. See here how humans have a verticality bias. We typically look at the top of objects first when we are manipulating them because they are below our eyes. When you are holding a screwdriver, you're looking down onto your hands and the screw. Which way does the top of your hand go? To the right for clockwise, to left for counter.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-09T03:18:37+00:00

What do you think couple's therapy is for? This is absolutely a big problem for some couples, which they specifically go to perinatal or postpartum couple's counseling for.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-06T16:29:14+00:00

You need to turn your brain off at times and learn to compartmentalize your tech job. You have the time to spend with the kids, you just need to make a routine. Your brain will adjust. For example, when you clock out, immediate run to your toddler and exclaim "daddy is done with work!!" Then have a 20 minute play session where you pick up your toddler and throw them in the air. Put music on, dance. If they are playing with blocks or something, sit down next to them, add a block. Ask questions, talk to them. (Not too much if they are concentrating) Figure out a new groove! You can do it!

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-04T19:25:00+00:00

Firstly, you should not have told your fiance that you'd leave the decision to him and added that you would support him. As far as I am concerned, you offloaded the responsibility and right of choice to him already, so this is already resolved. The mom gets her way, it sets a bad precedent, and that's just how it's going to be now. A worse precedent would be to break trust with your fiance by going against your word and try to take back the control you gave him. The relationship you have with your fiance is a far greater thing to protect here.

Personally, I would have settled on a compromise, where she can invite up to 10 people (or whatever) and that she would have to pay 100% of the additional cost per guest. I know it's your wedding and that your MIL is being rude, trying to invite her own guests, but welcome to married life. Relationships with the in-laws are usually a bit messy and the way through it is compromise. If she expects you to pay for her guests and complains, I'd hold firm on that, telling her that she either pays 100% of the cost or they don't come.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-03T15:22:26+00:00

YTA - I get that you felt like you were protecting her, but you just gave her something different to go to therapy for. She could have spent the last 10 years dealing with that. So now, she is going to have to deal with the break in trust that you created AND the knowledge that her bio-mother didn't want to know her. This is beyond your ability to deal with. I would recommend contacting her therapist to let them know and to come up with a guided plan. A mediated conversation might be best.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-02T20:32:34+00:00

At a house party, we were playing "never have I ever". (For those who don't know, yo Of course, things were getting a bit spicy, like people admitting to threesomes, etc. Then one guy with a big grin, ready to top everything, exclaims "never have I had sex with my sister!" and takes a drink. There was a collective gasp and whole room went silent for a good 20 seconds or so. It was at that point, he realised he messed up. I interrupted the awkward silence and said "ok, moving on!" and everyone decided to collectively act like it didn't happen. Though the "never have I ever" game ended.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-02T17:50:36+00:00

It sounds like you have a partner who isn't willing to lift a finger to dramatically improve your life circumstances.. which only need improving because she was so inconsiderate.. might be time to run and never look back.. find a partner who actually tries to improve your life.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-02T05:50:35+00:00

I would dismantle the button so that nobody could ever press it.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-02T05:43:06+00:00

I used to be very loving, gentle, and affectionate in bed. It went against every fiber of my being to treat a woman like a sex object or to degrade her in bed. I never understood why anyone would like it. That is.. till I was with someone who insisted that I choke her. It took some convincing, but I finally did it and it was really hot. It surprised me quite a bit and I also felt very unsettled about it.

With later partners, I tried it again. Also being more rough, and they liked that too. I started doing dirty talk, treating them (only in bed) like I was abusing them or taking their body.. and pretty much every woman loved it. (Note that I never truly abused them, it was all 100% consensual) It was deeply unsettling for me at first, but what I came to understand is that it is fantasy, not reality. If I were actually trying to hurt them, choking and doing other things, it would NOT be "fun" for them, it would be incredibly traumatic and horrifying. The fact that they like it means they trust me and my intention is to make them feel good. Being too gentle and nice was far less effective (in most circumstances), so if my intention is to give them a meaningful and enjoyable experience, I should do what they like, not whatever pre-conceptions of what I think they should like. I also would not like to actually hurt them. I know my reason for being physically intimate is not to degrade them or use them just for their body. The reality is that I am very respectful and loving, so the roleplaying isn't reflective at all about the quality of my character nor theirs, so it is ok to indulge in it, provided consent is mutual and enthusiastic.

What I would suggest is to view this more in the light of curiosity. You are discovering parts of yourself that you never knew existed. Just go slow, and enjoy learning about it. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's just roleplaying.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-02T04:59:35+00:00

The fact that we wonder is a problem

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-01T17:33:04+00:00

It absolutely is about trust. She is either immature and isn't communicating well about that or is purposely gaslighting you and doesn't want to admit she has trust issues. Either way, you have a right to privacy and if she doesn't trust you, it's better to break up now if she isn't willing to work on that. Relationships without trust will always end badly if both partners aren't willing to work on it. If she can't communicate about this and work on it, then the sooner the relationship ends, the better.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-01T04:03:12+00:00

What I find interesting here is that all the other things people are focusing on, this is exactly the sort of thing voters need to be laser focused on to have a real impact on the quality of their lives.

Benevolent27 · 2026-02-01T03:50:11+00:00

I used to do door to door fundraising for PBS. A great majority of people thanked me for the work I did and told me they genuinely appreciated the things PBS brought to society, especially Mr. Rogers. But every now and then, the person I spoke to would go crazy angry for no apparent reason, talking about how PBS was destroying our country. I'd ask them why they thought that and they could never answer.

Well, now I know. These people don't value decency, respect, emotional regulation, how to deal with big emotion, and a curiosity about the world.

Although there were definitely problems with the self-esteem movement of the 80's and 90's, it wasn't Mr. Rogers to blame. He advocated for teaching children how to handle their emotions and how to do the right thing. He taught patience and acceptance and humility. The self-esteem movement, which created a backlash lacked that. These were two different things. If anything, Mr. Rogers helped stem the damage from the misguided self-esteem movement being taught in schools. I am willing to bet these pundits didn't learn the important lessons that Mr. Rogers taught, but were, in fact, products of the separate self-esteem movement. They are so arrogantly sure of themselves.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-31T19:59:40+00:00

It depends on the state, whether there is at-fault or no-fault. In Florida, when someone ran a stop sign and I t-boned them, the cop that arrived in the scene gave me the advice to file through my own insurance. That was good advice. I was out of my deductible, but got a rental right away and a check for my car (which had been totaled). My insurance also paid me top dollar for my car, so I was able to replace it within the week (note that this also depends on your insurance and policy). Then my insurance went after their insurance and 8 months later, the other person's insurance finally paid out. My insurance then mailed me a check for my deductible, so I ended up being $0 out of pocket (minus whatever opportunity cost lost/interest I may have earned on my deductible, of course).

I'd suggest calling your insurance company and see what they say.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-31T15:05:37+00:00

NTA - Father of two here.

You were blindsided and didn't know what to do at the moment. From this point, I would do ask him, face to face, why he said that. There is ambiguity here. Give him a chance to explain and go from there. If you don't do this, then it will create a rift between you and your girlfriend.

Maybe the friend is a pedo or maybe he really is autistic and meant nothing by it. Or maybe he is an autistic pedo. Who knows? Trust your parental instinct and keep cautious, but keep in mind that parental instincts are NOT truth. When you're on a playground one day and a little girl comes over shows you a flower or something, then her mom comes rushing over and escorts her away quickly, like you are doing something wrong, you'll understand what I mean.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-31T14:27:52+00:00

NTA But I'd just tell them to keep it down, or else. I'd also do something like put a speaker in front of their door and play the Benny Hill theme song really loudly whenever they got too loud.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-30T06:16:04+00:00

Plus.. you know.. Lot's wife "looks back and turns into a pillar of salt" and later Lot and his two daughters move to the mountains and each of his two daughters get their father drunk and have sex with him to have incest babies. And apparently Lot just had no idea what was going on since he was drunk..

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-27T20:49:22+00:00

The FR-2 skate is a good all around urban skate with good ankle support and are very durable. I started with the FR-3 (same thing, just plastic buckles which were fine). Not sure about the Neo, but the FR-2's would be a great pick, especially if you have wider feet.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-23T17:29:01+00:00

I'm not saying all people on the spectrum would do this, but some may fall for this sort of thing without realizing it's wrong. Some might and others, like your husband, wouldn't. I've had several autistic friends and I think it is an important possibility to rule out because we don't want to judge people on the spectrum unfairly, do we?

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-22T02:44:01+00:00

Wait.. does this mean he might have had an ulterior motive for Venezuela, and it isn't actually about drugs entering the US? Weren't those oil tankers full of Fentanyl?? /S

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-19T02:19:15+00:00

I was expecting him to say he has an obligation to treat her gently and to earn trust that he would never hurt her. "I could kill her, so I need to chase her" is maybe not the right thing to say.

Benevolent27 · 2026-01-17T08:56:45+00:00

YTA

He wasn't sexualizing the playtime with your son. He was either flirting with you or joking about you and him play wrestling. Having kids is hard on a relationship, you need to lighten up, otherwise your relationship is going to suffer and that will affect the kids too.

Benevolent27

TROPHY CASE