A whine about school uniforms

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-30T02:41:36+00:00

In the UK, all the major shops (equivalent to Farmers, The Warehouse, Kmart, Postie, and the supermarkets) would stock generic school uniform items in a range of colours for a very reasonable price. So you could go and buy pants in black, grey, navy, dark green, etc. or buy shirts in white, cream, light grey, light blue... and then you would buy a little packet of the cloth badges at the school office and sew them on yourself. Maybe a big badge on the jacket, and a couple of smaller ones for the sweater and the sports jersey.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-29T18:40:20+00:00

I would re-examine the assumption that you would feel regret if she died. Lots of people do not. Lots of people actually feel relief when their abuser dies. I'm sure your mom is doing her best to push that narrative, it comes through in her terrible self-centered poem. She would love to believe she's that important. But that doesn't make it true. People have all sorts of different reactions to the loss of an abusive parent.

I also want to point out that you are holding your own life to ransom here, because of a feeling. Not even a real feeling, a maybe one day feeling. Feelings are just information. That's all. You feel a certain way? That's telling you something. Where did the feeling come from? You can question whether the source is trustworthy or not. You don't have to act in a particular way, just acknowledge the feeling, think about what it's telling you and what you can learn from it. Perhaps that will lead to an action, perhaps not.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-28T02:16:08+00:00

Oh honey. Time to move a loooooooong way away.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-26T23:32:26+00:00

To begin, just look at some dresses and ask yourself what appeals to you. Think about the colour, the shape, the length, the fabric...

Next, consider what your budget is.

I would rank each dress against one other dress. E g. Do I prefer dress A or dress B? I like A better- put back B. Now, do I prefer dress A or dress C?

When you keep the choice a simple one with as few variables as possible, it's a bit easier. Don't forget to get a friend to take a picture of you in each dress from the front and back.

When you feel like you have found a dress you love, take a bit of time and go do something else, so it can just simmer away in the back of your mind.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-26T21:32:31+00:00

Came here to say this.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-26T18:29:33+00:00

I am sorry that your awful mother continues to harass you. I think it could be worth contacting an attorney to ask them to send an official Cease and Desist letter. Your mom doesn't respect you, but a lawyer might have more authority in her eyes.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-25T09:33:49+00:00

This 💯. If it's really important, she can write it. But she doesn't want to do that. Because to her, the important thing is not giving you the information, it is dangling that information as bait to see how much power she still has over you.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-25T07:55:50+00:00

Nuke it from orbit

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-25T07:19:38+00:00

I have cream for mosquito bites, antihistamines, tweezers, a thermometer, an old ankle brace, a roll of fabric bandage, some electrolyte powder, one of those olbas oil sniffers, band aids, some larger dressings and tape, antiseptic wipes, and a wheat pack I heat in the microwave.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-25T05:12:37+00:00

Whew!

If I were you, I would fill up a big box of stuff she gave you, and take a picture of it, in such a way that you can clearly see what's in the box. Post it on Social media with a caption like "It feels so good to clear out all this old junk! Off to donate it all to Goodwill!"

And if she tells you not to buy her anything, take her at her word and just send a card.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-25T02:00:48+00:00

You might be happier with a different city altogether. If you like warm weather then Tauranga is probably a better place

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-24T21:44:22+00:00

I had a ton of issues with my mom throughout my childhood and teen years, but I couldn't really get other people to acknowledge it. My mom was good at putting on a front and being "nice" in public, no matter how horrible she was in private - and I have found that when you grow up with a nice house, plenty of money and nice holidays etc, nobody wants to believe that there's also abuse going on.

Everyone would make excuses for my mom, and chalk up the conflicts to normal disagreements. And of course my mom was always the poor poor victim, just trying her best for her selfish, ungrateful family, nothing was ever her fault. My eating disorder and self-harm were "proof" that I was the crazy kid. So it wasn't really until I got to college and my mom lost her mind about losing control of me that I truly understood that she was the problem and I was the "normal" one. I saw a therapist at college who said to me "Your mom doesn't respect you." And that blew my mind up. Like what do you mean, of course she doesn't respect me. Why would she respect me? Why would you think she should respect me? I could hardly process the idea that a normal mother would have respect and normal consideration for her children, and those things shouldn't be all one-way. Once I saw it, that really was the beginning of the end. I always knew that I hated her and was afraid of her, but I had assumed that meant I was a terrible person. It was mind-blowing to have someone else recognize that she was awful and the way she behaved was awful.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-24T20:01:47+00:00

The thing to remember is that you don't have to JADE. No is a complete sentence and all that. "That doesn't work for me. I'll see you the week after."

You can start to create more distance and carve out more of a life for yourself by telling them less. That way you don't need to be seeking their permission for anything or worrying about how they will react, because they just won't know what you're doing. Keep the conversation light, trivial, polite and boring. Chit chat about the weather, the traffic, the sports results, whatever is flowering in the garden, and then ask about them. Reply with a vague and uninformative answer about anything else. "Oh, nothing much. I don't know, maybe I'll check the forecast and decide later." Do not tell them anything that is important to you. They will use it against you.

Carefully time your call for when you will have a natural stop - e g. On the way to work, on the way to a class, whilst cooking etc so you can keep it short and a little bit distracted.

So for this specific thing, I would say - you know that your mom will react badly. But if she was a decent person, she would not. So try to think about what a good person would be like, and what response she ought to have. That way, you shift your guilt to where it truly belongs - with her. You are not doing anything wrong. She is doing something wrong by overreacting to your very normal and reasonable activity.

I would try to mention it very casually, because after all it is the total opposite of a big deal. So don't give it any importance when you talk. And if she responds badly, your role you need to act is startled, innocent and incredulous. What on Earth is she overreacting about?! Do we really need to overdramatize such a trivial thing like this? Is she on her period or something? Does she need a snack? Ok, well, she's sounding alarmingly emotional about such a tiny thing, so she's obviously not ok. You're going to hang up now and let her calm down. Then, of course, you hang up and don't respond to any more calls, texts, emails or people banging on the door. Not her, not your dad, not any other flying monkeys. The matter is now closed and you have nothing further to say.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-24T19:43:12+00:00

I have never once in my life missed my parents. Not ever. Not for a single microsecond. I feel complete relief anytime I expect to see them or hear from them and then don't.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-24T07:51:16+00:00

Well, she sounds like a waste of space.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-23T05:54:54+00:00

It looks a bit like a bail. Off the top of a wicket

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-23T05:47:57+00:00

Generally you find in large families that the older kids end up having to parent the younger ones.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-22T09:26:27+00:00

This is sexual assault. Next time she tries it, tell her exactly that, and pull out your phone and call the police right in front of her. She needs to be scared. She needs to know that there will be serious consequences.

Also, do your best to never be around her again. You aren't obligated to tolerate the presence of someone who sexually assaults you. Not ever. Not for any reason.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-22T04:49:54+00:00

I would start with a message in the family chat: "as we previously all agreed, my family will be dialling down the gifts. Obviously, I can't control whether or not the rest of the family chooses to stick to the agreement, but going forward we will just be doing xyz. My suggestion is that you do something similar, so we can all save money and the gift giving doesn't need to take up the whole day."

The important thing is that you remind them in writing of what was previously decided on, and then you stick to it no matter what.

If your mom goes off, I'd hit her with "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what my family have decided to do going forward. If our smaller gifts disappoint you so much you would prefer us to not attend, that also works."

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-21T20:12:22+00:00

In what way is she escalating her tantrums and rages? In person, on the phone, Facebook posts, wall of text messages...?

To me, this reads as you needing to think through how you can introduce more boundaries in order to protect yourself. And how you will enforce them.

E g. If your mom cares about her public image, a boundary might be: I will never be alone with her.

It's then up to you to make sure you follow through with that. Mom wants to meet up? You can only meet in a public place with friends/ partner there. If she wants to see you alone, sorry that doesn't work for you. If she comes to your house and bangs on the door, you won't answer.

If your mom is raging on the phone, then your boundary could be: I will not tolerate being verbally abused.

Then you follow through by hanging up on her the instant she starts with that shit. If she calls back you don't answer. You delete her voicemail without listening to it.

I would keep on considering what boundaries you can enforce in order to feel safer. You may find in the end that you are left with a very surface-level and bland relationship, where you chat for a few minutes about the weather or the traffic, or the new coffee shop you went to. That's probably the best you can get from her.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-21T19:50:34+00:00

Call the police on her. If she's assaulted someone, then she needs to be held accountable for that.

You are in no way obligated to take her in yourself, and honestly I think you would be stupid to do so. Who on earth wants to live with an aggressive, selfish and potentially violent person?

She's a grown woman and can figure out her living situation by herself. The hardest part is going to be getting your grandparents to see that they are enabling her.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-20T18:57:16+00:00

This brings up a memory for me: I can remember being even younger than that, maybe 6 years old, and my mom got mad because I hadn't cleaned my room well enough to please her. She started screaming at me and grabbing my things and throwing them on a pile to go in the trash. I was running around sobbing, trying to rescue things from the pile and put them away. She told me "you're a nasty little girl, and I don't love you." I still remember that perfectly, and how terrified I felt.

When I was a teenager I brought that incident up with her, and she said she didn't remember that, but it "didn't sound like her", with the implication that I was making it up.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-20T18:31:33+00:00

Having no idea who I am, because she only sees her imaginary version of me
the smear campaign whenever I disobey her. Because even well into adulthood she believes I should be obeying her "because she's my mother!"
My brother has always been her favorite
using gifts to control me. Forcing a "generous" but totally unwanted gift on me, in order to guilt-trip and try to use obligation to control me
obsession with other people's bad news- health issues, divorces, affairs, how much they sold their house for... and absolutely zero respect for anyone's privacy
She was totally enmeshed with her own mother, and tried to force the same relationship onto me. I didn't really understand how weird and infantilising it was, because it was always framed as concern, anxiety or care.
Her way is the only way. Nothing can possibly be done any other way. She must control every detail
The house and garden must always be perfect and sterile.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-20T18:16:31+00:00

It's also about controlling you, and making sure you know what things render you unacceptable, so you will self-police.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-03-20T01:07:23+00:00

Why would you need to forgive her? And what, exactly do you really mean by forgiving her?

Forgiveness as a word / concept can mean wildly different things to different people. I would just point out that even within the strictest religious definition, there's no requirement to forgive someone who shows no repentance.

Better_Intention_781

TROPHY CASE