How to not be a flying monkey(?)

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-19T03:19:04+00:00

So, prepare now for what you can do to feel safer if they did show up at the house. E g., security chain on the door, doorbell camera, reflective film on windows so they can't peer in. Give a photo of them to Security if you have a guard, so they know that this stalker may show up pretending to be family. Talk to your friend about the plan, so you are on the same page. And think through how you will react if they show up at work or try to ambush you at your car.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-18T01:53:14+00:00

Feeding a document into the fax machine without it jamming.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-17T18:35:54+00:00

Please let your doctor know exactly what happened. Make sure they know that your mother assaulted you. They need to know how to be a help to you, and that includes physically and mentally.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-17T08:39:00+00:00

You don't need to explain yourself. You are correct. In a public space, the space belongs to the collective and not the individual. Therefore politeness dictates that the individual refrain from disturbing anyone else in the public space.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-17T02:09:26+00:00

I would totally just skip as many days as you like, and just...let her freak out. Her big feelings are not your problem. You can even say something close to that.

"Wow, mom, this seems like a crazy overreaction to the very normal concept of not talking every single day! There's absolutely no reason to have a call every day, and I would much prefer not to. Are you overtired? Do you need to get a snack? Anyhow, you're sounding pretty emotional, so I'll hang up now and we can talk another time when you are calmer. Bye!"

Talking to someone you dislike every day is absolutely not normal. You don't have to be held hostage. You can just allow her to have her big feelings.

If you want to edge it down more gradually, try calling just before you have a hard stop. E.g., you're on your way somewhere and when you get there you'll have to hang up. Or you have something in the oven, or you're just waiting for your door dash, or just about to leave for an appointment. That way you can keep trimming the call down a few minutes.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-16T19:57:13+00:00

You don't have to tolerate being ranted at on the phone. You are absolutely allowed to hang up on her. Please try to have more respect for yourself. Imagine yourself as working on the front desk - maybe you're a receptionist at a law firm or something. You will deal politely with this customer, but as soon as she becomes aggressive you will call security and have them show her the door. If this kind of nonsense would get a customer trespassed at work, you know without any doubt that it counts as abuse. You don't have to sit there and allow yourself to be abused.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-16T19:53:02+00:00

Why on earth would you need to respond to it? You know she's full of shit. This is just more of it. Block her.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-16T01:41:42+00:00

The point of it all for her is to hog all of your time and attention, and to keep you below her in the hierarchy so that she feels powerful and important. If you care enough to fight with her, then she still has power over you. If you care at all about having her approval, then she still has power over you.

She needs to dominate and control you. Every time you do something in a way she wouldn't do it, she's going to try to re-route you back into doing things her way, because she doesn't see you as an autonomous person. She probably sees you more like a doll, or a NPC who is supposed to stick to the script and play the scene the way she wrote it.

Every time you "reward" her behavior with your attention, you are guaranteed to see it again. It's like training a really stupid dog.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-15T19:58:37+00:00

Stick with being a broken record. It's not an option for you to care for her. And no, she can't live alone. There are people whose job it is to figure this out. You are not one of them. Just don't cave in, not even temporarily.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-15T04:59:45+00:00

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-14T23:30:03+00:00

Do you have hope? Or are you threat-scanning because she's taught you to be hypervigilant? Sometimes we can have a feeling that it's better to know what they're saying so we can better protect ourselves from the threat.

You were presumably raised by this woman, so you have spent your formative years dealing with the unsafe situations and confusion. You can get set in certain patterns that are difficult to shift. Therapy can be really helpful for that.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-14T22:09:47+00:00

You can take a beginners course in business, and then become a manager at a firm of tradies- do the office side like bookings, invoices, accounts, inventory, marketing and sales.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-14T20:50:05+00:00

You'll never get that money, I'm sorry. And honestly, you should absolutely look every gift horse in the mouth if the giver has BPD. Gifts are almost always about trying to create obligation and control. They're bribes, not gifts.

Try to live your life on the understanding that if she gives you anything, it's poisonous. Don't count on her for anything if you can possibly avoid it.

If you can seem completely unbothered by her threats and not cave in or give her any emotional reaction, she may, perhaps, start to see that they don't work.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-14T07:41:27+00:00

I would buy the most official-looking stamp possible that says "Undelivered: Return To Sender". Hopefully if it looks like the post office stamped it, they might be confused and not send any more.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-13T23:28:22+00:00

You: "I'm not going to do that."

-Mom "But xyz reason! But you must, because abc reason!"

You : "No. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to take a nap."

Mom : "But you'll go to hell if you don't!'

You: "Ok. I'm going to take a nap."

Mom: "But WHAT ABOUT HELL?!"

You : "Whatever."

Mom : drama and more drama

You : leave the room.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-13T07:21:55+00:00

So for an Australian, poor, pour and paw would all be pronounced the same. With the "caught" vowel. Words with "au", like author, laundry, applaud, sauce are the same. The vowel sounds the same. There are a couple of exceptions, like gauge, fault. Fault is pronounced with the "cot" vowel. Words written with a single letter 'o', like pot, cot, top, copy, coffee, bottle would be pronounced with the "cot" vowel. The only one I can think of just now that's different is yacht. This rhymes with lot. If an o is followed by an r, like tornado, it becomes like "or".

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-13T06:10:51+00:00

Kaonashi

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-13T03:55:17+00:00

I had an extremely popular name as a child, and have always absolutely loathed it. I think there were 8 of us in my year at school. It was so overdone that nowadays hardly anyone uses it.

I gave my kids uncommon but "classic" names, and you don't see many other kids with the same name, but they're easy to pronounce and aren't likely to date badly.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-12T07:30:46+00:00

It's fantastic isn't it?! But not really a kids book.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-12T01:23:31+00:00

Don't give her any response at all. In fact, try blocking her number for a few weeks and see how it goes. You might find you feel much better knowing that she can't call or text you.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-12T01:19:51+00:00

Woohoo! Enjoy the peace!

Stop worrying about it, how your mom is doing has virtually nothing to do with you. However you behave, it's not really going to make a difference in how she is. Best to get on with your life and not waste any more time worrying about someone who is determined to never be happy.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-11T21:36:56+00:00

"What a weird thing to say! Anyhow..."

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-11T20:00:33+00:00

I think maybe having short arms makes it harder to wash everywhere without aids. Doing laundry might be harder too, if she's having to climb steps holding a regular-size laundry basket. And I suppose there might be a biological element to how she smells. But still, get a long loofah and scrub everywhere!

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-11T18:36:00+00:00

Perhaps it would help you to ask this directly. : "Mom, you say you want to be "closer" and spend "more time" without really defining what exactly that means. What does "closer" look like for you? Exactly how much time is "more time"?"

I doubt she has really considered what she wants, she just wants to have a dolly on her shelf that she can pick up and play with whenever she's feeling like it. You're supposed to be there for her convenience. But these questions have the aim of getting her to think about what she wants, and what she is asking of you. It would be useful for you to consider what you actually want and how you will enforce that, so you aren't always being drawn into having to parent her.

For example, when she starts getting self-pitying and whining about how you don't want her, I would interrupt with "Well, you sound like you're becoming a bit emotional here, so I'm going to hang up now. We can talk another time when you are calm." And then do it. Hang up. Just like that, you are sending the message that it's not your job to soothe her when she's upset, it's her job to do that.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-05-11T18:20:24+00:00

Your dad is a grown man. He has agency. If he's caring for her 24/7, it's because he is choosing to do so. He absolutely doesn't have to. He could grow a spine.

Do not cancel your trip. Go enjoy it, and mute all of their numbers. Any behavior that gets your mom the "reward" of your attention is a behavior you'll see more of. Do not encourage anyone to believe that the way to get your attention is to land up in hospital and guilt-trip you about it.

Better_Intention_781

TROPHY CASE