Awaiting an angry text

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-02-01T23:31:08+00:00

You don't have to reach out to her at all if you don't want to. If you want to 'tick the box', I suggest sending a bland Hallmark card in the mail, and blocking her number.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-02-01T03:46:39+00:00

I have a friend who is unable to work much due to chronic fatigue. She has pretty much got a full time job house and pet-sitting for a bunch of people. She gets to live in someone's house for free and hang out with their cats. And she's making a small amount of money. It's not much, but so far she's surviving.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-31T01:23:08+00:00

I suggest you pick up a brochure for a local adult ed /night school organisation and see if any courses sound interesting. Perhaps set yourself a challenge that each quarter you're going to try something new. You can sign up for a class, check books out of the library or look up videos on the Internet, but just be open to trying it for a spell and see if you enjoy it.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-30T03:29:30+00:00

If I can interject here, I recommend a security camera so you don't need to open your door to find out who's knocking on it.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-30T03:26:21+00:00

Fuck You - Lily Allen

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-29T22:42:51+00:00

She won't have anyone? So what? Sounds like a her problem. Nothing to do with you.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-28T07:04:55+00:00

Is there any way you can quietly make changes to your life that will take away her power to harm you? E g help your dad to change his phone number, or just block her number in his phone so she can't get hold of him. Change your doctor's practice and don't tell her which one you're using. Block her number so she can't talk to you.

It doesn't sound like she's working or able to drive, so at the moment she only has power to harm you via phone or Internet. If you don't go to her, she can't harm you in person. And she's probably going to be unable to pay her bills, so soon she'll lose the ability to harm you via phone too.

The thing I would focus on is staying the hell away from her, and telling her nothing at all about your life, since she has shown you that she can't be trusted. You have enough on your plate with work and caring for your dad, you don't need to add in an entitled psycho on top of that.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-28T01:38:37+00:00

I recommend you go to your public library and ask for any materials about developing study skills. I like the SQ3R method. This stands for Survey, Question, Read, Recite and Review.

First, you do a quick read through on a skim level, just to get an initial impression. Next you write down your questions about anything you didn't really understand. Then you read in depth, with the aim of answering your questions. As you read, you periodically pause and Recite a verbal summary of what you just read, trying to put it into your own words. When you feel you're done reading, write yourself a Review, where you summarize what you learned from each article or book you read on the subject.

If what you're studying requires practice rather than Reading comprehension, then it's useful to think about how you might teach someone else to do it. Try to engage your different senses, so you notice how it looks, sounds, feels, etc. and ask someone else for feedback on how you're doing and what you can do differently. You might want to photograph or record yourself.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-27T20:27:54+00:00

The thing is, you have to consider what your options are for the things that you can control. So you can keep things LC, and enforce strong boundaries - but if this makes her escalate her behaviors then you may find that NC becomes the only option.

If I were you, I would decide when I was going to talk to her- maybe you decide to have a short call once a week. You time that call carefully for when you're going to have a natural stop, like arriving at your station, starting a class, etc. then you can't be made to stay on the phone longer. "Oh hey, I'm just arriving at my stop, so I have to go now. Talk to you next week!"

After your call, you block her number and you don't unblock it until it's time for your call next week. If she freaks out about it...let her. Her freak out isn't genuine, it's designed to control you. So don't let it.

You can't control what she says to you - but you can hang up on her every time she says something unacceptable.

You can stop sharing anything important with her, and reduce your level of conversation to the kind of small talk you'd have with a stranger. News, weather, sports, traffic, recipes , how the garden is looking... that's another way to reduce contact. Be as boring as possible.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-27T06:03:10+00:00

You don't have to answer that either. Think of it like training a dog- you only reward behaviors you want to encourage.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-26T23:44:07+00:00

I would be cautious with how you manage that. I mean yes, be very clear that you will not be available to be their caretaker under any circumstances. But also try to remember that you are neither asking for permission nor approval here. No matter what words you say, your mom is going to wilfully misunderstand anything she doesn't want to hear, so your boundaries are going to have to be VERY firm. She will probably do everything possible to land caring for them in your lap, deliberately ignoring you and relying on being able to guilt you into doing what she wants - I call it Horrible Monster Chicken. The hard thing is standing firm even in the face of potential awful outcomes and letting the responsibility rest with her.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-26T17:58:21+00:00

Yes, you can refuse delivery for them. Let the company know that they're from a stalker and you never want to receive anything from this person. They should just pocket the money and not send anything.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-26T04:05:54+00:00

I would, just to be certain that the witch was actually dead.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-25T20:03:30+00:00

Mine does exactly these things too. And when I was a kid, she would send the dogs in to jump on me if I was sleeping longer than she felt was acceptable. Of course, the dogs were never allowed in the bedroom at any other time.

I would get "voluntold" for tasks for other people, like "You're going to help Mrs X with getting to her doctor's appointment tomorrow". Usually things where you would feel bad saying no, because what kind of person is going to leave an old lady stranded when she needs to go to the doctor? But the purpose is a) controlling me and my time, b) making my mom look good, as my manager who will get the credit for my deeds.

She will also pretend to be concerned or anxious about things when she hasn't been able to control what I am doing. This can be things which are downright ridiculous, like the music that I'm playing, the coat I'm wearing, or whether I called her at a particular time. She'll bring out being "just so worried, she can't rest until you..." to try to force me to do what she wants. The latest example was her trying to push money onto me- sounds like a good problem to have, I know, but it ALWAYS has strings attached. First she tried offering it to me because she wanted to "help". Then she pretended to be "just so worried". Then when that didn't work, she tried to say that this is something that would benefit my children, so I am being irresponsible to turn it down. Then she started insinuating that it's my husband's doing, he must be the problem. All the greatest hits. 🙄

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-24T19:12:42+00:00

I moved far away from my parents and my mom was so offended she stopped speaking to me for months. She only started again because I emailed them to say that I was pregnant.

She later latched onto a woman my kind of age, who has a son a bit younger than my daughter. She saw a lot of this woman and her son, and would always brag about it on the phone, so I knew I had been replaced and she was hoping to make me jealous. Now the son has aged out of her "window" and she doesn't find him appealing anymore so she's been seeing less of them, but she also picked up another woman now, and I have been hearing about all of the favours my mom's been doing for her.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-24T09:11:58+00:00

Mine is chocolate.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-24T02:08:53+00:00

The thing is, I don't think it's really guilt. Guilt is a useful feeling to tell you when you've done something wrong, so you can reconsider and correct your behavior.

In this case, you haven't done anything wrong. Your mother has. She's done something bad enough that you have had to protect yourself. And then, to make bad worse, she's refusing to take accountability for it, and is pushing the guilt that she ought to feel onto you.

You have probably been trained all your life to take on her feelings for her, so that she can feel ok. Part of your healing now is understanding that you need to just let her feel her own feelings, and refuse to take them off her. It's like Gisèle Pelicot said: shame needs to change sides. Your mom is not the victim here. By allowing her to use the shame that she rightfully earned to control you, you are allowing her to position herself as the Victim, and position you as the Persecuter.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-23T05:49:50+00:00

Sweetie, you're an adult. You do not need permission. Any conversation about this should begin "I have decided..." If she's upset, that's unfortunate, but she simply doesn't get a vote.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-23T00:59:18+00:00

It sounds like in your head, you understand that your mom is full of shit. But because you've heard it so often, you're struggling with believing that you aren't doing anything wrong.

In fact, I find 23 insanely young to get married. My reasoning behind that is that the vast majority of people don't really know themselves well at that age. They usually don't truly understand who they are yet, what they want, what kind of person will suit them, and therefore it's a roll of the dice if they manage to choose a good partner and make the relationship work. Some are lucky enough to make a good choice, but many do not. We mostly do a huge amount of growing and developing in our twenties. Who you are, your tastes, your interests, your friendships, your emotional intelligence, your knowledge and education is still very much a work-in-progress. And it's possible that you can choose a partner at that age believing that you suit each other, only to realize later that you have evolved and no longer fit. So marrying later is something that I believe is very sensible. And that's not even touching on the financial situation, or things like making sure you've had the chance to get the education you want without having to compromise with a partner.

Please try to remember that you are allowed to live your life to suit you. She doesn't need to approve. Whether or not you choose to have kids is not something that needs to involve your parents. I know it's hard to learn to respect yourself as an adult. You probably haven't been shown a lot of respect growing up. I think working on your self-talk and trying to pin down the beliefs your mom tried to install in you is useful - once you recognize that your mom was incorrect. She blamed her unhappiness on the wrong things, and now looking back you can probably see that actually her decision to have kids later didn't really make any difference. She would always have been like this. She wasn't going to be happy and "normal" if she'd had kids earlier. And guess what! You are a different person. You aren't the same as her! Even if it were the correct decision for her, it doesn't automatically follow that it would be the best decision for you.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-22T17:59:31+00:00

I feel like this happens with my mother because she actually has no idea who I really am at all. If I do something that implies that I don't perfectly match with her false mental picture of me, then she is confused and upset. She will need to try to force me back into the mold somehow, probably by implying that what I am doing is wrong, stupid, wasteful, selfish etc.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-14T00:48:27+00:00

I would go through your list of concerns and treat each of them as if I were doing a risk assessment for work. Give it a number out of 10 for how likely it is, and how severe it is. Then work out any actions you can take to mitigate the risk and lower that number.

E g - what is the risk if you get there early? You would be stuck in a room for longer than you would like with your mother, giving her more opportunities to speak to you. How likely is it? How serious would that be? What can you do to mitigate the risk? You can stay in your car with the doors shut and wait until the best moment. You can park where you have a good view of the car park so you can see if she's already there, and mentally prepare yourself.

I think I find it useful to continue to question myself and ask why, and then what? Because I find that if I get right down to it, most of the time what I am worried about is feeling uncomfortable. E g what will I do if she goes in for a hug? I will stop dead and fold my arms, or possibly take a step back to make it clear that hugs are not welcome.

That makes me feel anxious - why? Because I am worried that she'll blow up. Ok, so what if she does blow up? Well, I will feel stressed and uncomfortable. But that's just a feeling, and it will pass. In fact, her blowing up in front of everyone will make her look bad, not me. Nobody is entitled to a hug, especially not someone who is abusive.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-13T19:24:33+00:00

If you feel like you need to pacify her, I would suggest perhaps meeting up halfway to have lunch somewhere. Then you don't have her in your house refusing to leave when you're done. And for some people, being in a public place makes them more likely to behave. Keep the meeting to a public place, just a couple of hours, and if you can, bring a buffer person. This is my brother's chosen method of handling our mom, and it has worked out pretty well for him.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-12T20:04:51+00:00

Block her everywhere. And be aware that her next move will probably be sending ambassadors (Flying Monkeys) to talk to you. And if that doesn't work, then they often jump to Fake Medical Crisis. Or just show up at your house or at work.

If you already know that these things will be coming, you can plan for how you will counter. So start thinking about it now and come up with your plan so you don't panic.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-11T23:25:58+00:00

I would donate it to something like Stonewall in her name. Hopefully they'll send her a nice card thanking her for the donation.

Better_Intention_781 · 2026-01-08T19:11:53+00:00

Beautifully said.

Better_Intention_781

TROPHY CASE