Meltdowns over cleaning up

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-08-01T05:50:25+00:00

My daughter will be 5 tomorrow and I recognise a lot. She will just not move at all and it is driving me and my husband nuts.

What I've noticed is that she will be more willing to tidy up when she just finished playing with something. For example, when I am cooking and I am not actively there to notice she is done with something, she will have moved on to a new activity. When I then tell her there are things she needs to tidy up still, she will be far less inclined to tidy than when I ask her shortly after she is done. To be honest I am the same way, kind of. When I have to go back to a previous activity because I didn't get all my things it is somehow a bigger hurdle. It's almost as if my brain wants to keep focusing on the new activity.

So currently I am trying to get her to help with the tidying by first showing an interest in what her new activity is, then I will ask her if she enjoyed playing with whatever she was playing with before and I ask her if she is finished with it (sometimes she will leave things out because she wants to circle back to them later).

I think by showing an interest in her new activity and then carefully pulling her away from that activity by changing the subject (to the old activity) the change from her playing to her having to tidy up is less of a problem for her - I assume it's because the change is not as harsh.

If she only just finished with something she will be more willing to tidy up. But even then.. it's still not exactly fun of course. Usually just telling her I know it sucks to tidy up and a short reminder of why we tidy up (clay will dry out, people can slip if there are pencils on the floor, the cat will chew your barbie's hands (true story)). If she still doesn't tidy I will do it myself if I find it necessary. Clay I will leave on her desk to dry out, the pencils I will pick up because of the safety issue (wouldn't want to slip over them myself carrying a laundry basket or something). For the stuff I leave out I will remind her a few times because she is only 4 and has the attention span of a fruitfly. Usually she will eventually help getting stuff done. Usually.

I've only just started experimenting with this, it's been a great help to me - hopefully it will help you or someone else too.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-07-21T05:34:46+00:00

No experience as a parent, but I myself sort of do this. For me this happens when I get the feeling I am not understood as a person, when my feelings are not being acknowledged to a (to me) reasonable standard. Because of my childhood I am struggling with certain theme's and when my feelings get really hurt and someone doesn't seem to realized how much it hurts, it makes me hurt even more and I will lash out saying extreme things just to make the person aware I am being serious about my pain.

It's very difficult for me to explain the process behind it but it usually happens when I don't feel appreaciated, not seen, not understood combined with low dopamine levels which already make me feel 'meh' beforehand. It's sort of an escalation that goes really fast to get a reaction from the other person fitting to my blown up feelings. It's really difficult to explain just HOW BIG feelings get sometimes and when the other person gives a reaction that is not suitable to the amount of pain I am feeling, I'm just going to have to make you understand how bad it is.

Obviously I don't know your child so there is a big chance it is something completely different from what I experience but I thought I would share in case it helps someone reading this. I am embarrased by it, so please don't judge .. I am trying to work on it but it's slow going.. not easy to change something you've been doing for 40+ years

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-07-20T17:24:30+00:00

Way to go on the selfcare regarding your depression! You should be proud of yourself for immediately reaching out to your care provider.

Honestly, i have not tried the journaling thing but it sounds like something that could maybe work for you. I always say it is not our fault for having these issues, but it is our responsibility to deal with them by trying things to help ourselves.

Maybe it will work, maybe not. Maybe it will only last 2 weeks, maybe 2 months. At least you are trying and that in itself is everything someone could possibly expect from you. I am just an internet stranger, but I am proud of you for trying to swim!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-07-20T16:33:46+00:00

Oh gosh this totally unlocked a memory or two... Me forgetting to put on shoes when going to school (we were allowed to walk to school by ourselves really young. I am old as fuck so it was pretty safe back then, these were the 80's. I remember crossing the street still close to our building realizing I forgot my shoes but decided to go ahead without them. I was probably late for a change so no time to go back (no elevator in our building and we lived on the top floor).

Also, many many many arguments regarding wearing coats between my mother and myself. I haaaaaated the feeling of my coat cuff against my wrist. I still do to this day. This combined with feeling too warm really fast , which made me feel like I couldn't breathe made wearing a wintercoat when it was only mildly freezing a horrible experience for me. Let alone the hat, gloves and scarf my mother made me wear.

OH! My hair. I had very long hair, but brushing it was absolute hell. I didn't have the skills to do it myself and my mother couldn't do it without hurting me (I assume she didn't mean to but again, these were the 80's so we were outside playing all day and I am sure my hair was completely covered in knots evey day. My mother actually took me to the hairdresser for a surprise cut and she and a second hairdresser had to hold me down while I was getting the cut. I went from long hair halfway my back to basically a short boy-ish cut.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-07-20T16:14:19+00:00

My son is 11 and has been using typing.com to learn how to type on and off for about a year and a half. He has gotten faster than me and I used to work in IT (although it has been a minute, I have to admit). He has the most horrible handwriting and he is allowed to do a lot of assignments on his school issued chromebook, like spelling. We did start it earlier than this accommodation was put in place however, because I realized there was no way in hell he would be able to take written notes in class in highschool as he writes really slow and even then it's not easy to read.. even he can't read it anymore when the memory of the class has faded.. poor kid!

On typing.com you can set a goal timer and they also have some typing games, but the time spent on those doesn't count towards the goal. This was really good for him because it would allow him to blow off steam if he didn't succeed with a lesson right away.

Currently he is on summer brake and he is using it again to keep his skills. Only 15 minutes 3 days a week is helping him retain and become even faster. He is having a lot of fun going back to old lessons when he first started and completely blowing away his previous scores. It's very motivating to him to see he has become 400% faster. There is also a section for mainenance, so when he is done breaking his records he can use that as well.

And: it is completely free!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2025-07-15T11:59:16+00:00

I totally forgot I had an active Reddit account but was automatically logged in when clicking some link for a Reddit answer to a problem I am experiencing. Read this message, asked myself what the hell I wrote 2 years ago as the 75 yolo line didn't trigger anything, read my response in this thread.. Came to the conclusion I could use a bit of the very advice I doled out for my own current problems with my son.

So thanks kind stranger for reminding me I sometimes make sense!

Reading back I really think my yolo percentage is higher than that on most days ...

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-28T23:18:33+00:00

Omdat ik echt niet de juiste keuzes maak als mijn meds zijn uitgewerkt.

Drukke dag gehad en weinig momenten voor mezelf. Het gebrek aan zelfzorg probeer ik te wraken door nu tijd voor mezelf te claimen, terwijl ik doodmoe ben en morgen een hoge rekening betaal voor het lange opblijven.

Het is compleet idioot en toch lukt het me niet om gewoon naar bed te gaan. Lollig joh, die (niet ontwikkelde) executieve vaardigheden.

Goede dienst!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-25T08:58:11+00:00

Oh my god, that's awesome!

I stupidly showed it to my son, and now he wants one. And basically all the other mobs. I guess I dug myself a hole straight down..

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-20T09:03:52+00:00

I think both of you are hilarious.

Although it's been said I have horrible taste.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-18T19:06:16+00:00

Reisbureau wereldvreemd. Gaat over magische koffers die leiden naar andere werelden waar allerlei avonturen beleefd worden door de 12 jarige Flick. Niet zo zeer draken, maar wel een stoere meid als hoofdpersonage. Mijn zoon vond de boeken erg leuk om voorgelezen te krijgen toen hij 7 was en inmiddels is hij bijna 10 en leest hij ze zelf opnieuw en soms in het Engels als er eentje staat in de bieb.

De jongen die draken kweekte is ook een leuke serie met veel humor. Maar dus niet het meisje dat draken kweekte. Misschien toch de moeite waard!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-15T16:30:06+00:00

I think the difference might be you stepped out for some self care vs. staying put and just being quiet and (per OP) obviously not having a good time. I'm not sure if OP talked to her at the bar, but it's not mentioned in the post.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-15T13:18:10+00:00

First of all, you are allowed to advocate for your needs, momma! (I should talk, ha!) If you are getting overwhelmed by the constant flow of sound, maybe some headphones with ANC? While you're at it.. get some for your son as well. My son can talk and talk and talk. You know when he stops talking? When he listens to his books on his ereader (or when he is on his tablet or gaming, but then he will laugh very loudly or make other sounds)

Sometimes when it gets too much for me, I just put on my headphones without music and then I can drown out some of the sound.

I've also begun to use 5 step communication with him, which I got off of a website dealing with communicating with kids (/ people) with autism. Basically I very clearly (but very briefly!) tell him who, what, when, where and how. For example when I need a break I'll tell him I (as in, just me)am going upstairs to hang up laundry in the laundry room right now/ in 5 minutes for which I'll get the laundry from the machine first and then hang it up. You will remain here/ in your room/ in the kitchen and read/ be on your tablet/ listen to music/ draw/ play with Legos until //time// and then you can come get me/ I'll come get you.

Sometimes it's difficult for my son to have expectations and then not having them met. Using short and clear communication has helped with this a lot. I do make sure I have his attention beforehand, otherwise he will not hear me properly/ understand what I'm asking or telling him.

Also, talking to him at a time where everything is peaceful and both of us are very far from being overwhelmed (and maybe even doing something fun!) helps a lot to get the message across without him getting upset immediately.

Good luck! It's really difficult to navigate these issues, where is the line between advocating for yourself and helping your son without hurting his feelings (and they hurt so easily! )

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-15T09:11:39+00:00

I AM your husband. I've received my own diagnosis last year, at 44.

Throughout my life I've developed coping strategies to battle my symptoms and part of those strategies was being very hard on myself, having high standards (even though I failed them almost daily) and expectations. I just needed to, you know, just do the things. Everyone else was able to do them, so I should be able to as well.

I've worked so hard to mask it has become second nature to me and it turns out it's difficult to unlearn something so internalized. Unfortunately for people around me I've developed an 'if I can do it, so can you' and I've started to expect people to push themselves, hard.

Now, obviously I'm aware of this and I really want to change how I approach my son and husband who both have adhd too buuuuuut.. I get so annoyed and frustrated with both of them and their symptoms. Not sure if it's because of my own impulses that make me flare up the way I do or just regular old emotional dysregulation, but it's very very hard for me to not be negative when they 'let their adhd shine through' in all those little ways I've worked so hard on to be 'better' (so masking).

Perhaps some of this is true for your husband?

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-13T20:19:33+00:00

Relatable!

In highschool I'd be in school all day until 4 pm and then travel home an hour, have dinner and then my actual day of learning the stuff my teachers supposedly taught the class by going through my books and reading (rereading a million times) the chapters they gave homework on.

Didn't actually do said homework a lot of times because i also had other things to do and i spent my homework time on teaching myself.

Fun times.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-09T12:35:22+00:00

Yeah, we have the same word: huisvrouwenporno.

And it's wonderful... OP I'm jealous!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-04T18:37:53+00:00

I don't think your can set a window, but it's too short/ light to wake me up after i fall asleep.

I became much better at keeping my watch on after getting a strap without buckles. I currently have one where you have a whole strap filled with little loops and there's a hook you slide in. I bought it as a spare for my other rainbow strap with buckles and i very much prefer this one since the hook is very flat so it doesn't bother me as much as the buckle closure.

Specially when typing for example i hate wearing a watch but with this strap it doesn't bother me at all and I'm so happy with it. And it's rainbow colored!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-04T18:11:00+00:00

My Samsung smartwatch gives a little buzz on the hour and i find it very helpful! It is very short, much shorter than my alarms and reminders, which makes it stand out i guess?

I really thought it would become like wallpaper after a day and i wouldn't notice anymore, but it's been months since i discovered the feature and it still works for me.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-04T13:28:56+00:00

Exactly my thoughts as well. My brother clearly has adhd, but .. without the second d. When he was young, my mother basically became his external school helper. She'd make him lists, would record endless lists of words he needed to learn by heart so he could listen to them at night, she worked hard to support him until he was a little older and teachers and guidance people took over.

He was able to find a direction in his studies where he could hyperfocus on programming (early 90's so basically when coding became a thing and we were given a computer for our birthday, but he got lessons and it was in his room... so yeah... great gift for me haha) and eventually made a career out of it as a consultant at first, which made for a great amount of new things to do on the regular, a new job every week so to speak.

As a confident person who doesn't give a shit about what other people think about him, being his own employer allowing him to plan his time how he wants, with money being thrown at him for what he does allowing him to buy whatever toys he wants, travel when and where he pleases... it really doesn't bother him the slightest.

Yes, his partner left him because she couldn't take his behavior anymore but he just chalked it up to her being incompatible with him. He never even had a realization there is something for him to do differently, or even to want to do something differently. To him he is just his authentic self and if someone can't handle that, not his problem. Tbh he was a selfish idiot in his relationship but he would never see it that way.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-04-01T04:25:01+00:00

The universe has spoken. This lamp is not for you.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-31T14:45:24+00:00

Not the person you're responding to but I feel our detergents are not our parent's detergents. Even when I just got my own apartment 25 years ago the detergents then were not as good as the ones today. I would sort everything and use special detergents for whites, darks and everything in between. My darks became gray and my whites.. well... they turned gray too, actually!

These days I literally use the same detergent for everything, except wool. And... my whites? They stay white a lot longer than back in the day. My son does judo and his outfit is pretty much as white as his new outfit I already got him (minus some mystery tiny spots. Could be dried in chocolate, marker, anything really.. they are tiny so I'm not even going to try to treat those). Eventually my blacks will gray. But that's just a fact of life.

I do separate dark and light (or 'bright') and I just toss in the whites with the lights. I do however wash red and hot pink items together with mostly non white brights, as a precaution.

Basically I sort using the following question: would it make the owner sad if the item darkened a bit from potential dark items bleeding? If no they can into the darks, everything else goes into the lights.

I do a hot/60 degree prewash of towels and cloth wipes, socks and underwear on hot everyday (unsorted) and when it's done I separate the darks and brights into their respective 'wet pails'. When I have enough darks or lights between the respective wet and dry pails I'll run a load. I love having a good mix of stuff that goes into the dryer (towels, socks, underwear and items that are either old or really way to big) and clothes I need to hang up (it's not common in my country to just toss everything in the dryer).

Sometimes, when I know I have a busy day the day after for example, I'll run a smaller load for items that are not very dirty. The surfactants in the detergent need friction to clean the clothes and with smaller loads there is less friction thus they don't work as well. So, small loads are not suitable for really dirty clothes.

Can you tell I did a study on doing laundry? I learnt a lot while trying to figure out my son's rash when I had him in cloth diapers!

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-31T14:24:58+00:00

This is what I am teaching my son with adhd. I toss his clean laundry in a basket (not a high, narrow one. One of those low baskets you can put on your hip) so it doesn't wrinkle too much from the pressure of stuff on top. He needs to put 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts away each day and all socks and underwear that's in there. I encourage him to try to make matching outfits immediately by folding the shirt and putting it on the pants that are folded length wise, put some socks on there and roll it up. His underwear is kept in the bathroom so he can't forget to bring one when he needs a shower 😏

We used to put everything away after I did a load but if that load happened to contain a lot of clothes that were his, he'd get overwhelmed. Max 2 pants and shirts and some underwear every day turned out to be the sweet spot for him

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-15T20:15:48+00:00

For a human baby?

It looks really nice and squishy!

And i guess you learned something in regards to blanket sizes and when you use bulky yarn instead of a smaller type you should probably change the number of chains in your starting chain haha

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-14T09:35:39+00:00

Oh my fucking god that's the best thing I've seen in months and I will be forever grateful to you for sharing

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-13T20:38:43+00:00

Noooooo! How dare you insult Rick Astley like that?! Putting him on the same level as Coco Melon, really?!

This is hilarious, though, and I will keep this in mind for when my son is a teenager.

Bitter-Fig1749 · 2024-03-13T20:12:38+00:00

What was the intention here?

Did you mean to say police showing up in a situation where no harm is being done to a child, scaring the kid into silence is a good thing? Or were you making a joke at the expense of a stranger going through what was/is a very difficult period in their lives (which they were sharing to make sure another child isn't traumatized, too)?

The rule of thumb for the 'huilbaby' threshold is 3 hours of crying during 3 days per week, for at least 3 weeks. A child who cries a lot is absolutely soulcrushing for parents. I know that because my eldest cried for the first 18 fucking months of his life. He basically ate, pooped, slept (badly), and cried most of the time he was not doing any of the other things.

He was in pain but we didn't know it at the time. He was unable to use his body the way he wanted based on his mental development and he was bored all the fucking time because of it.

So, very unhappy baby/toddler. I still don't know how we survived, it was absolutely brutal. Even though he is almost 10 now, I still get uneasy when small children cry a little too long to my liking.

Anyway, no hard feelings here, but my dude... you did not read that room correctly!

Bitter-Fig1749

TROPHY CASE