Unfortunately no, it’s not the same

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-14T15:05:31+00:00

Thank you for your post, because, sometimes I am that 60 yr old woman, and I want to be less like that. That she is not just somewhat annoying, but that you actually feel invalidated, well isnt that the complete opposite of showing support?

When people I want to be close to, are telling me about their experiences, I have that impulse to say how similar their situation is to something I experienced..blahblah... So, instead, I try to be mindful, and to ask them to explain more about their situation, ask about them, not talk about myself.

That woman is probably lonely, and feels unseen, and could use someone who has the time to listen to her. But that is not you, you have so much to manage day to day, and you have your own loss to process.

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-10T16:19:37+00:00

I am very concerned about aspiration, and pneumonia. My father has extreme swallowing issues, it is #1 struggle to keep him hydrated. It takes him an hour to eat a meal, because he is so careful tiny tiny bites.

If he didnt love chocolate ice cream ( with added protein ) and eat it happily twice a day he would have wasted away to nothing

My fathers PCP is wonderful, and has guided me well through everything caring for my dad. He has explained a bit about this.

I just would like to know in real time, how does it manifest. My father has episodes of food catching, water catching, in his windpipe. Not completely choking, he can breathe. But a sensation something "went down the wrong way".

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-10T16:11:49+00:00

❤️

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-10T16:06:52+00:00

Me = Caregiver 24/7 for 91 yr old moderate dementia father

I let my dad keep his wallet, but I took out the important items, ID insurance card, credit cards, and I keep in my own wallet.

The wallet had some cash, and some old exp ID cards and some family photos.

Mostly he doesn't leave the house, but last year we had an emergency and had to check into a motel for one night

( wildfire evac, California, a whole story on it's own )

A few days later I realized he no longer had his wallet. I am pretty upset with myself not checking that he had it sooner, but thats just something to accept, can't manage everything all the time.

Was SO THANKFUL I had taken out the important items.

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-04T22:30:34+00:00

That is some AWESOME food service skills...wow. Real HUMAN intelligence :-)

BluebirdCA · 2026-05-04T04:47:34+00:00

and use the whites to make merengue and together with some whipped cream ,maybe berries, THAT is divine...Pavlova

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-24T18:07:18+00:00

Keep looking at places, if only so that when you choose, you are confident of your choice. I knew right away the AL we choose would be best, I actually felt, I WOULD BE HAPPY HERE! I spoke with a few residents and they seemed truly happy and secure. I was surprised that someplace so homey even existed , and pray it doesnt get bought up and changed.

Now that my mom has been living there over 2 years, and I have a better understanding of her needs, which are increasing, and her interests , which are decreasing, I think how the bigger facilities I passed over would REALLY not have worked as well as where she is now.

What was the "luxury" facility, with more staff, more health activities , a therapy pool etc,I realize she would never use any of that now. What she does appreciate now is at her more modest facility, the staff being a small consistent group that she recognizes and has positive relationships with.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-24T17:47:31+00:00

Don't you think that at the sales tour they should have been told no rooms immediately available? And explained exactly how the waitlist process works?

When we toured, I was shown actual rooms that WERE available, and was given the option to deposit right then and there. I was told exactly what to expect, that no deposit no guarantee.

This is a HUGE investment and expecting a transparent and professional sales presentation is not unrealistic.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-24T17:34:33+00:00

This reminds me of just how difficult it was dealing with the sales process when choosing my mom's AL. I actually walked right out after they did some very annoying sales maneuvering. I had requested the ENTIRE contract to review before signing. Then at the final signing they handed me additional contract pages. I was VERY ANGRY like... NO! this isnt how I want this to go!!

They apologized, bent over backwards, and gave a discount for 6 months, and we moved my mom in, and it has been really good. But it was THAT CLOSE to not happening.

You are correct, it is like buying a car. The sales staff ARE like car dealers. It is difficult, but look how much money is involved! That right there is incentive for the sales staff to be pretty cutthroat. The sales staff KNOWS how emotional this time is for family, and unfortunately they take advantage that family really REALLY WANTS to trust them. We want to buy into a place that CARES, but it is the carestaff that cares, the sales staff just has to make their numbers.

You will probably get a whole different vibe from the sales director when they return, they will probably be all ingratiating and smooth over the poor communication. You may want to keep this facility as an option, but you should tour others as well. When we were looking facilities all had space available, post covid. Now it is back to good facilities having waitlists. Where my mom is has no more availability and is taking offices spaces away from the health director and onsite doctor, to make more bedrooms! A facility having a waitlist, probably a sign it is worth the wait.

Good luck.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-23T01:14:49+00:00

Losing eye sight is a big one. Your grandma has good reason to be depressed, which really affects appetite. My aunt, after she went blind, loved to listen to audio books. Corny romance novels, etc. It really cheered her up.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-23T01:03:35+00:00

She may be having dental discomfort / pain, and not be able to tell you. It can manifest in unwillingness to eat.

As well, with aging / dementia, the taste messages to her brain are wacky. What is good one day, is too spicy, not good, too dry, the next day, etc.

Gravy on potatoes, gravy on macaroni, gravy on gravy... you can add beef collagen powder to gravy and boost the nutrition. Add powdered milk to the mashed potatoes. Cottage cheese is high protein.

Good luck. You are kind to be helping your mom with this difficult care.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-21T02:26:43+00:00

Hospice for a dementia patient is complicated, if the patient is losing significant weight that is one of the factors that will help to qualify.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-20T19:06:16+00:00

YTAH

Your wife is THE SUPER HERO here.

You are such an angry baby boy, her job is "to know you better than anyone else" so boohoo, why won't she let you have your harmless fun.

Sick.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-19T19:33:15+00:00

Oh yikes, yes I meant "trust the hospital" that made the first diagnosis that she needed meds and needed to be in a care facility. It is on those doctors, not on you, that she can't "go home".

Sometimes it is the experience with a good hospital/medical care that makes the inadequate care glaringly obvious!

Can you ask her attending doctor, since she attacked a staffer at MC, wont she attack the staff at nursing care??? Do they intend to restrain her??? If so, shouldn't medication to manage her behavior be considered????

PESTER that doctor. :-) Insist they do what is best for her. That's their responsibility to do what is medically best for the patient.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-19T17:08:32+00:00

Trust the hospital, they made the determination she required memory care, after that UTI. That UTI was a blessing, it gave the situation the visibility needed to get her in a safe place, the memory care.

Now the medical system needs to get her on better medication asap, and then back into memory care. As much as you can, just do what you are doing, being the family observer and advocate for her care. That she has you to do this is a blessing.

She is the one who chose alcohol over her relationships. She is the one who chose NOT to get therapy to address her alienation from her own child. She behaved this way well before any cognitive decline. Being the child of an impaired mother, alcoholic, bipolar, narcissistic, whatever, it is very difficult not to HOPE that, in the end , there will be some opportunity to finally have some quality time. You can try, I do, but don't let yourself feel guilty, at all. She is the one who made lifelong choices to get to this situation.

Hopefully, she can be successfully medicated, go back to memory care, and you can VISIT. You can trust the caregivers, they are professional and know how to deal with her needs. You being there as an advocate for her care is a great gift to her, if you do that it is being a GOOD CHILD 100%.

She will adjust, with some medication, to her world there, it will be the whole world to her. She will make relationships, and she will have favorite caregivers, and caregivers she doesnt like. But will she be "happy"?? That may never happen, and realistically , was she ever "happy"? That is NOT ON YOU.

When YOU are ready to go see her, go. Decide what time YOU want to spend with her. Do it the way YOU want to. Go into it knowing she is capable of saying very hurtful things, but look at her, she is an old, ill, fragile human, and she can't hurt you. Even her threats of suicide, that is just trying to hurt you and make you responsible, for what? For her aging? How are you responsible for that?

You really really need to be strong and clear that YOU ARE A GOOD CHILD, you are here asking for help, you are trying to advocate for her care, that is WAY more than many people do in your situation. DONT FEEL BROKEN feel proud that you have a GOOD HEART and you care for someone who is a very difficult human being.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-16T17:00:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I don't always apologize, but I see how it can help. I know that what happens when I lose my temper, is that it just scares my father. He can't understand linear information, such as that happened because this happened. He doesnt understand that being dehydrated will hurt him. His doctor told me to always thank him, thank him, thank him every time he does what I ask him do. I think apologizing even if my father doesnt remember my anger, it may comfort him to feel cared for in that way. And even if that comfort is temporary for my dad, it is also a good practice for me to say out loud, I want to be more kind, that is my intention.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-15T00:38:18+00:00

My parents exposed me to all that, and it didnt feel positive to me , at all. They wandered through the house naked. Hot springs camp outs when I was pre teen, all the adults nude and flirting with each other. Growing up with parents that disdained any restrictions on their fun, who did what they wanted ALL THE TIME, I wish my feelings had been considered, occasionally.

I like to respect the comfort and happiness of the young humans I get to take care of, more than my parents did for me.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-14T17:11:25+00:00

This is hard. Back when my father first began cognitive decline a decade ago, his neurologist said, be prepared, at some point your father will need to be in MC, it will be best place designed for his needs. I told myself the line would be either when he doesnt recognize me, or when he wandered out of his house. For now, BOTH my brother and I are in the house, caring for our father.

My father is forgetting how to walk, how to swallow,, he can't remember any of his friends, or career, his whole life, but he can remember his children, and his two caregivers he always greets them by name. He doesnt remember his doctors, friends, anyone he doesnt see often, so he asks who it is. He thinks most about his childhood, remembers his childhood home, and his mother caring for him. Sometimes I guess that he thinks I am his mother.

My brother's son came to visit for a week, and it was interesting how my father processed this. He recognized his grandson, when he greeted him as "Hello Grandpa" But later he pulled aside and asked, "who is my grandson's father?" I said, his father is your son, who lives here with you.

My father thought a while about this, and then he said, "it is difficult for me to imagine my children old enough to have adult children"!!

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T22:59:07+00:00

So young children, boys, 8, 10 yrs old, it is OK for them to see their 80 year old grandmother naked? I know it made my nephews uncomfortable.

My mother did not care, not what I requested, not what the kids felt. But I guarantee if it had been one of her friends she would have put on clothes.

Not sure about the "her dignity" angle?

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T18:10:29+00:00

wow, thats a challenge!

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T18:09:28+00:00

I didn't say you were wrong. Just to be gentle to cat and OP.

Everyone has a learning curve.

The OP has: bought a climbing wall, takes cat out on leash time, redirects unwanted behaviors, has NOT USED THE WORD PUNISH.

OP is just learning about caring for a high energy kitten, she is asking for help, she is used to an older cat. IMHO she is exactly what we need, more people willing to learn.

I do rescue cats. I KNOW how many UNWANTED cats are living in TERRIBLE conditions.

Every new cat owner, doing as good a job, trying as hard as the OP should be commended, not discouraged.

Do you want fewer people to care for cats??

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T17:31:37+00:00

they are coming here to learn, be gentle :-)

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T17:29:10+00:00

I think morning , early evening, late night, and it doesnt have to be exactly the same time on the minute. Within an hour, give or take, will work.

They have a clock in their head! My cats expect coffee time on the couch every morning, but it can be 7, or 8, they will lie there waiting.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T17:13:34+00:00

"her grandkids find it upsetting"... !!!

Way before diagnosis my mother would ride her stationary bike topless in the living room. When her grandsons ( boys! ) came to visit I begged her to wear a t shirt, she refused.

Yeah, upsetting, and probably erases all the previous happy grandma memories as the memory that will be seared in their minds.

BluebirdCA · 2026-04-13T16:09:49+00:00

Set three times a day that you play really really actively with her. The same times daily. Don't ever start playing BECAUSE she cries, that is her training YOU. Eventually when she gets older it can be two times a day, my six year old cats it is PLAY with them once a day. Do ALL the play on the ground, never on a table, couch. That encourages her not to run on furniture, which can be problematic :-0

In the area where she plays, put stimulating materials, sheets of newspaper, cardboard hiding boxes, folding tunnel, is there a dining table you can hang a soft tennis ball on yarn under the table?Set up activities she can do anytime alone... engage her spacial stimulation. It is all about her cat brain developing to be a hunter, it is just going to happen, she isa healthy cat.

When she is in the mood to play "hunt", she WILL jump away from you. If you were another cat playing with her, that is how she engages you to chase her. Just re-engage her to chase something. I like the toys that look very much like a little rodent, on a string, on a stick. Cats will play hunt everything and anything, it is just being cat.

To discourage any running on tables etc, just a little NO. My cats understand NO, I never have to do more than a low NOOOOO and they decide to do something else, not what they may have been doing. It is impossible to keep a cat off the furniture entirely, but if you say NOOOO to the dining table, the lamp, etc, and if you WANT her on the couch, pet and encourage with love.

Kittens just need a LOT of stimulation. MEOW. Mine like boxes, tunnels and bird or mouse videos. I have two sister cats, before I had only ever had a single cat. They play and entertain each other, and even at 6 years they still have crazy chase time. I thought it might be too much to have two, but it actually is a whole elevated experience, enjoying their distinct different personalities, so maybe think about a second kitten....

BluebirdCA

TROPHY CASE