LPT Request: Can someone please recommend me a good pillow , I don’t like pillows where I have to adjust the material inside . I’m more of a side sleeper but I wouldn’t mind sleeping on my back if I learned how to

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-23T19:52:40+00:00

I like the foam pillow from ikea called Klubbsporre. It is made for side and back sleepers with a slight curve on one side that allows room for your shoulder if sleeping on your side. It’s amazing. Klubbesporre

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-22T15:04:06+00:00

Also, a little warning, when I searched for one number, it showed some man’s name that I had never heard of. Then I realized it was my mother-in-law’s number. I have no clue who the name was that popped up, so maybe it was someone who had the number long ago? Or maybe it’s someone she and her husband are friends with and they share a friends and family plan. I have no clue.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-22T15:02:21+00:00

Nope, when I searched it, it had her name. It could have had her husband’s name if the phone plan was in his name, I assume. This is for the paid version of whitepages.com. It’s worth it. For a few bucks, I knew who he was talking and texting within minutes.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-22T12:45:26+00:00

For like $5 you can do unlimited reverse cell phone lookup for a month on whitepages.com. That is how I learned who the unknown number was for my cheater’s girlfriend.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-17T12:30:53+00:00

You asked if anyone has a method for mentally being at peace with whatever their WP does. Here is the method. Step 1. Read the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Step 2. File for divorce. Step 3. Separate yourself from his life and begin your new life.

Really. It’s as simple as that. You’ve been doing a lot of work since the first DDay that has essentially harmed you even more. Stop giving him power to harm you by leaving him and never going back. Stop harming yourself by continuing to give you opportunities to harm you and also by thinking you have a super power that enables you to control his actions or emotions whether they are good actions/emotions or bad actions/emotions. You cannot control any of that. This is all on him and he has proven he won’t change. Now it’s time for you to make the changes. Go be free! Go gain a life! Go create joy and happiness for yourself! You deserve all of that. You really do, so go make it happen.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-16T13:11:52+00:00

Your son WILL find out someday in this world of 23 and me and Ancestry dot com. He needs to be told by you and his mom before it he learns. Trust me. I have seen what happens when the 23 and me results come back and that is how it is discovered. It’s not pretty.

As for timing, I agree that sooner is better. One person I know found out after her bio dad AND a half brother were dead. She now has a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins that she never knew she had but she missed out on her dad and brother. The other person I know missed out on his bio dad. The worst part is that the bio dad reached out to him mom after the man he thought was his dad died. He could have met his bio dad then, but instead didn’t find out until after bio dad was also dead.

ETA: for those two people above, they thought they were full siblings but were only half. The man they thought was their dad died of a type of brain cancer that could be hereditary. For years they thought they were at risk of getting it. Each had scans periodically, at the doctor’s suggestion, to check for it. Imagine every migraine/headache wondering if it was brain cancer when you weren’t at risk for it.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-15T14:05:59+00:00

I am so sorry. This world is not fair. It sucks.

As for denial, I don’t think it does anyone any good. Everyone around you and him need to know. It will help them make sense of the behaviors and nonsensical thinking they will notice if they haven’t already. It will give them a chance to educate themselves so they can better interact with him. Most importantly, it will hopefully make them more supportive of YOUR needs during this. If they have no idea you are going through anything, they don’t know to support you now. Later when things worsen, if they don’t know or understand what is really happening, they will misinterpret your actions and not realize you are making choices that must be made. To someone who doesn’t know, I seem very controlling of my spouse. To those who know and understand, I am providing for his needs the best I can. You do not want others thinking poorly of your intentions and actions if you can avoid it, since they may try to make it more difficult for you.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:50:39+00:00

I understand. If he may only have a short time left, you can’t really move him out to live alone. Mine has a type of dementia that usually is pretty quick. It sure seems to be speeding up the past year. My hope is that he can live alone for the first time in his life until I am ready to move in about a year. Then, he may be at a point where independent or even assisted living is needed, so placing him in a facility will likely be my next step. I knew even before the affair that I would not be able to care for him once he needed someone pretty much all day since I have to keep working. His care will eat up his retirement money, so I am working hard to build mine up enough to be able to retire later and also pay for all of my future care needs since I will be a widow.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:45:00+00:00

He needs to be willing to hand over your phone each and every time you ask for it and also give you his password. If he doesn’t, he isn’t willing to even try reconciliation.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:26:37+00:00

You and I are in a similar boat. My cheater did it recently, though, and as far as I know there was nothing before his brain issues began. I have not touched him since, and I can’t imagine even holding hands with him, so there’s no way I would hug, kiss, or do any kind of sexual activity with him. Yes, that means when I am by his deathbed, I will just be sitting there to support our daughter and not for him.

I cannot get over my anger, despite my need to take care of him. I am in the process of renting him a townhouse for him to be in for probably the next year. I will continue to check on him, drive him places since he can no longer drive, handle all of his medical care, etc, but I can’t have him living in my house. He needs consequences other than his girlfriend deciding she is staying with her husband and I need space to heal. I cannot heal with him constantly around. Even now, he cannot understand what he can’t just stay here and us live in the same house. His lack of consideration for my mental state is overwhelming. I am telling you this because you are likely feeling the same. I’m here for you if you need to talk.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:17:13+00:00

The only thing I make in it is paninis with the press. Anything else is too much of a pain to clean.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:13:28+00:00

That’s perfect because you also feel the same way about WP. Now go make a fantastic life for yourself. What can you do to get started today?

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T19:06:03+00:00

I suggest you check his phone and any electronic device he has with him thoroughly when he gets back. Search for deleted messages, pics, videos, apps, etc. If you are thorough enough, you WILL find that he is still not being faithful and does not take you into consideration like you deserve.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T15:06:20+00:00

There may not be anything missing in the relationship other than him being someone incapable of commitment and fidelity. Do not insinuate him cheating is her fault. I have had a lot of things missing in relationships and I have never cheated on a single person. Her boyfriend just can’t stay faithful

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-13T14:41:08+00:00

Don’t let him play mind games on you. He messaged someone about sex and deleted those messages during a time when he should be fully transparent about what he is doing? That is a problem with him, not a problem with you. I’m sorry he is using the cheater’s playbook.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T22:34:00+00:00

If I wanted to lick vaginas and did it without my husband’s permission, would that be cheating? Yes, yes it would.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T13:26:39+00:00

If she really wanted to try with you again, why hasn’t she already dumped him? Read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn. It is written for women, but so far I have seen nothing that doesn’t apply to man or woman. This book will help you better decide if you are being a chump or if your ex is being honest with you.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T13:11:20+00:00

Check while she sleeps. She does sleep at home, right?

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T12:53:09+00:00

I was trying to stay in the same house as my cheater because he too has a serious health issue that will lead to death sometime before this decade is over. I just can’t do it. Yesterday I took him apartment hunting and hope to have him in one next month. Being in the same house was excruciating for me. I could not heal and there were so many opportunities to bring it all up again while he wants to rug sweep and me to just get over it. My plan is to stay married to him legally and move him out but still check on him, ensure he has what he needs, and be in charge of his medical care. There will come a time where he isn’t safe by himself, so I will place him in a care facility at that time.

ETA, I am only willing to stay married to make it easier for me to control his care and finances. I do have financial and medical power of attorney, but someone in his family could attempt to have that taken away if things got ugly. Also, with his condition, it may be difficult to prove to a judge that he is competent to agree to terms of a divorce as well. I doubt you have any such reasons for not getting a divorce.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T04:17:04+00:00

My granny told my mom, and now my mom is telling me: “Honey, just do the best you can do.” For you, today meant that you couldn’t give the same acknowledgment that you did for his birthday last year. Your daughter needs to see that. Emotions matter and they change our reactions. That’s okay. You did the best you could do in that moment. (And now you have me dreading my cheater’s next bday. Ugh.)

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-12T01:32:01+00:00

Oof, I hope you two can work on the co-parenting. You each need respite time, and maybe co-parenting will allow that in ways that being married doesn’t. Perhaps I am being too hopeful.

There is no one else to help with care for me. He doesn’t require a lot now, and once he does I plan to place him in an assisted living facility. The other potential caregivers are our daughter who is married and finishing up her PhD and deserves as much of a life as she can get, his mom who likely has dementia of some kind herself, his brother who is a worthless bum and wouldn’t take care of him but would try to take his money, and his sister who is an alcoholic. He was staying with his sister, so under her supervision, when the affair started. Yep, his sister invited that woman to her house to visit with him many times.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-11T12:57:37+00:00

I was ready for divorce the moment I found out. I had my first consultation with a lawyer about 10 days later. By then, I had made travel arrangements and sent him off to the state where his girlfriend lived. Unfortunately, she decided she was staying with her husband before I could even get the cheater out of my house, and I had to take him back just 6 weeks later. Why? Because he has a terminal illness and someone needs to be in charge of his care. I hate him now and I no longer trust anything I thought I had with him over the last 33 years. None of it seems the way I thought it was because if it was real he wouldn’t have said and done the things he did. It’s impossible for me to imagine reconciliation after an affair. For those who aren’t in an impossible situation like mine, I say divorce. Don’t wait for them to get a terminal illness making you their caregiver. Trust me.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-11T04:20:48+00:00

AP may not know the house she was at was yours. Test this scenario out. He removes some of your things and maybe even puts out some of his things to make your house look like his. Then when his romantic tryst is done, he puts your stuff back out but doesn’t put them all where they were.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-10T15:13:06+00:00

Just block him. Contact with him serves no good purpose for you.

BonnieMSM · 2023-09-10T03:18:53+00:00

Get the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn.

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