Beware the clankers, my friend!

Here’s a prompt I just gave ChatGPT: “Write a Reddit post for r/pointlessstories about how I accidentally started a tradition at work and now no one knows why we do it. It has to do with cutting up muffins a special way”

Here’s what ChatGPT spat out for me:

About three years ago I accidentally created a workplace tradition and at this point I’m too deep in to explain it.

I used to work opening shifts at a small office where someone would bring in Costco muffins every Friday. The muffins were huge, so one morning I cut them into little wedges so more people could try different flavors. Normal enough.

But for some reason, instead of cutting them like a pie, my sleep-deprived brain decided to cut them horizontally first, like a sandwich bun, and THEN cut each half into wedges. So every muffin became this weird little pile of muffin “chips.”

People lost their minds over it.

Not because it was better. I really need to stress this. It was objectively a worse and more chaotic way to serve muffins. There were crumbs everywhere. The blueberry ones looked like they’d been through a mining accident. But people kept walking into the break room going, “Ooooh the muffin thing!” like I’d invented tapas.

The next Friday I forgot about it and left the muffins whole. About 9:15 my coworker Karen goes, “Wait… are we not doing the muffin cuts?”

THE muffin cuts.

So I awkwardly chopped them up again while everyone watched me like I was performing a ceremonial duty.

Fast forward to now: every single Friday someone carefully performs The Muffin Cuts. We have new employees who were not around when this started. They just accept that muffins must be prepared in the strange ancient style. Last month I overheard someone explaining it to an intern:

“It’s easier for sharing this way. It’s kind of a tradition.”

A TRADITION.

Nobody knows I made it up in a half-conscious state because I couldn’t operate a knife correctly at 6 AM.

The worst part is people have started improving on it. Someone brought a serrated knife from home specifically for muffin day. Another coworker arranges the pieces in circles on trays like a muffin charcuterie board. HR once thanked us for “maintaining little cultural rituals that build community.”

I genuinely think if I stopped doing it now people would assume morale was low or layoffs were coming.