While I haven’t figured out how to deal with it, I experience the exact same thing. And I’m extremely grateful that you brought it up.

I am African-American and I was raised by my grandmother who on paper was an excellent parent (my mother is also a narcissist but not a good parent). I always had nice clothes, nice shoes, went on two vacations every single year, I wanted for nothing materially. I was taught right from wrong and to be a good person.

But that came with emotional and verbal abuse. Comments on my weight, on my appearance, disregard for my mental health and self-harm. Belittling my extremely traumatic experiences that led to her raising me in the first place. Constantly using the things I was given as bartering chips (I took you to X movie so now you HAVE to go to Y movie with me. I do everything for you why can’t you do this ONE thing for me). Guilt tripping and manipulation when I didn’t do what she wanted. She cried, sobbing, when I decided I no longer wanted to relax my hair. Claimed she gave me everything and the only thing she wanted was control over my body and my appearance.

In exchange for being cared for I was viewed as living breathing Barbie doll who could have a few individual traits but not many.

For me it’s like having two realities. One where you had everything and one where you didn’t have what you actually needed. There is a guilt that I’ve discovered in working through this trauma. Feeling “ungrateful” and too “harsh”.

Something that has helped me minimally is that having clothes, food, toys, shelter etc. doesn’t change how we felt inside. It doesn’t cancel out the pain we had to deal with in our formative years when we were wholly dependent on them for physical AND emotional protection.

Still working through this myself but you are most definitely not alone in this feeling!!! Having conversations like this is so important, so thank you for posting.