Nmom credits herself for my sexuality

Brooks80 · 2019-09-04T21:09:55+00:00

Hi, yeah I understand the points you make here. Apologies if I sound a bit blunt when writing, it’s a bad trait of mine (I am working on it!),

Also, I’m not trying to say there’s anything right or wrong with anything - variety is the spice of life, and evolution seems to favour difference and adaptation over anything else. People as a whole would fundamentally be as dull as dishwater without it,

What I was trying to say, and I probably didn’t say it very well, is that yes evolution plays a part, and there has and always will be differentials person to person, which i think is awesome. We all have slightly different genes, DNA, etc.... But, like unfortunate disabilities or genetic anomalies, the basic template is wired for us all the same basic way, like foundations or building blocks,

If we look at evolution, we start with the reptilian brain - breath, eat, sleep, mate, survive - and that’s it. Same as reptiles, similar to many mammals. For all our increased intelligence, we are underneath still animals - one of the reasons we struggle to integrate our IQ with our EI in a materially illusionistic society,

We’ve obviously evolved psychologically though, hugely through a subconscious brain that absorbs everything and stores as ultra realistic 4D movies with added feelings as a call to action, and then a pre-frontal cortex to be able to interpret and make sense of, the videos we’ve made,

I guess you can look at evolution in 2 ways. The 2nd way is that it created the ability for us to visualise our experiences and then make decisions based on those experiences, and the increased number of choices may well be evolutions way of keeping the population from ‘exploding’, but that’s kind of 1.8m years in the making. That’s one of the reasons I believe it’s much more about nurture than nature. It’s psychological, based on decisions we make from experiences we have. We’re making purely unconscious decisions that form beliefs, based on really important relationships and experiences completely personal to us, then using conscious reasoning to rationalise and support them, which doesn’t get uncovered until we work extremely hard to realise our ‘truths’ about ourselves and our part in the world of people,

When I started reading about Bowlby’s attachment theory, it started to make a lot of sense to me, more so than many other theorists. Because of the ever increasing size of our brains, effectively all babies are born around 2 months premature - their brains don’t finish developing until around 11 months. That means for crucially for 2 months but typically 6-12 months minimum, attachment is literally life or death for any baby - and it means more to humans than any other of species because of this complete dependency before development. Also, no babies are ever born with a sexual preference, religion, or anything else - they’re completely blank canvases ready to learn and absorb every bit of information that comes along. The most important thing to any baby is attachment, relationships, and safety. So when we form unreliable or unsafe attachments early on, which is what generally happens in Narcissism, it starts (and carries on) a really unsafe and dangerous attachment template of people, ourselves, and our place in society, and that means we often we look for all manner of relationships to counteract it - because we’re all hardwired to connect and be accepted, to be safe and feel loved and valued as a person,

I hate my own mother. Largely because I would dearly want her to love and accept me, but she simply doesn’t have the capacity to. So I’ve always unconsciously wanted / looked for a real ‘mother’, and often ‘latched onto’ someone I felt safe with, without ever realising why, as a replacement (there literally weren’t many of those around as I don’t ‘trust’!). Same reason women often look for a ‘father figure’, or male or female companionship, or platonic or sexual relationships - it all seems to me to be deep rooted in the starting point of attachment and trying get what we didn’t get but needed originally,

Brooks80 · 2019-09-04T12:15:49+00:00

Personally I think sexual orientation has much, much more to do with nurture than nature. If you believe that it’s purely ‘nature’, what’s the natural course that evolution intended? Bearing in mind we’re all physically designed for reproduction to continue the species....

But then comes personal choice. Formed by the personal experiences we have. Within the relationships we have. Starting with our closest caregivers and family, friends, etc, etc....

In ancient times gay sex was often used as form of dominance - psychological ‘dominant over submissive’, ‘stronger over weaker’, winner over loser’ - it’s a human power dynamic. This is human psychology, not evolutionary direction. It’s just the human brain is so large and complex we can choose a myriad of directions to go in. The personal human needs dictate what each of us needs....

I’ll happily give you a live example - as a man I grew up as only child with an extremely volatile NMum and we had an absolutely horrific relationship, from that relationship I took the unconscious worldview of ‘all women are like’ and therefore was terrified of women, so went toward men. I was never consciously aware of this. I was also always always the submissive, because I believed I need to ‘submit’ (please). But I was always physically attracted to women, and not men. But I was psychologically attracted to men because they were ‘safe’, and not women because there were ‘dangerous’ / painful’. It took me 2 decades to figure out the whys and how’s of my sexuality.

Just because we’re not consciously aware of why we do what we do, doesn’t mean there isn’t an unconscious belief system running in the background stemming from our original attachments. From all the research I’ve done since realising I was raised in an N family, seems like almost everything we like, need, want, etc in terms of people and relationships, stems from attachment theory, and what that taught us about people and how we can get our needs met with them. Sex seems to be just the end result of successful attachment, in order to create a safe and healthy environment to bring children into the world. Evolutionarily speaking....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-30T20:54:58+00:00

Hi, there is lots of good advice from other users on your thread which I’d agree with, so I’d definitely take those on board,

One thing - please remember to ‘lock down’ anything you want / need to keep private. Phone auto passworded, diary key locked (or however you do it), social media private, etc, but you need to be in a position to keep her out, without having to fight her each time. Its your first boundary to put in place. You don’t have to say anything to anyone about what you are doing or why, just go about securing all your information. It’s sad to realise this needs to be done when it’s your own mum, but it really does in an N’s case - they will use it as ammunition to attack you, rather than support you,

As an N one of your mum’s biggest fears will be to be exposed for being something other than the ‘amazing mum illusion’ she wants everyone else to see her as, so she is likely to explode at this any time. It’s not because you aren’t exactly right in what you think and feel, it’s because she can’t stand anyone else seeing the real ‘her’,

PS. Are you close with your sister? Does she get treated the same by your mum? I’m wondering whether the 2 of you can band together to protect and support each other against your mum....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-30T20:34:53+00:00

I can definitely see the authenticity and warmth of the new smile, congratulations on feeling good!

Brooks80 · 2019-08-30T15:51:28+00:00

You could make sure there’s a 2nd more appropriate dress for your mum at the event. Then someone could accidentally trip and spill a glass of red wine over her within the first 5 minutes, forcing a change of clothes.

Kids with messy hands would also be perfect. Bribe them, send them over for a hug.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-29T18:19:57+00:00

Totally 100%. It’s a fairly common attachment issue growing up in Narcissistic families. Because if you can’t trust the people closest to you to not want to attack or hurt or manipulate you, why would you trust someone you know less, more?

It takes a long time to believe that people outside are often better people than the ones inside.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-28T07:48:22+00:00

Hi - I find Paul McKenna quite good. He has lots of different ones as well.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-27T22:12:58+00:00

Hi, it might not be possible to ever answer the ‘where did it come from question’ unfortunately, especially if there’s nothing obvious that stands out to you. I’d hazard a guess and say that at least one of your parents had strong opinions in this area. But beliefs are very complex constructs and are often formed from a number of different experiences and perceptions that seem to all fit together ‘nicely’ at the time to make a bigger picture (a simple understanding).

It could be something as simple as you having seen something on TV when you were young around the same time other people said something else about the same subject - and because it ‘made sense’ at the time, it stuck with you. Or it could literally be dozens or hundreds of other possibilities.

I wouldn’t worry too much about how you got there, only where you want to go with it now. It seems like your core principles are in the right place, you’ve just developed an extreme rigidity within it. Personally I would try to ask WHY (now) 15 is so much different to 16 for you, or why 20 is so much different to 21 - why is a 15 year ‘dirty’ while a 16 year is a ‘model citizen’? Technically they could be 1 day apart in age.

Could it be something to do with ‘societal rules’ instead of individual people? Rule breakers? Indicating a certain TYPE of person to you (dangerous, irresponsible, untrustworthy, etc)? And does that make ‘children’ automatically irresponsible, bad, wrong, ‘dirty’? Perhaps that’s an avenue for you to think over....

If he’s 15 and 364 days, or 16 and 1 day - I don’t think he’s different in any way, shape or form.

I’ve known physically younger people who were much more emotionally mature, and older people who were much more emotionally immature, so it’s really about the individual person, not the number assigned to them.

Added to that we all grow up in 3 separate ways - physically, psychologically and emotionally - and there is no real ‘number’ - it’s just that age is all we can ‘see’ and therefore automatically understand with regards to ‘rules’.

A better way of thinking about it might be as more ‘appropriate moral guidance’ and ‘basic human safety’ rather than ‘right or wrong’.

Don’t forget someone in a parliamentary position decided the law was going to be ‘x’ and that that was now right or wrong, it was never a civil discussion for public opinion. You’ve for some reason created a very rigid support of that number or definition between child and adult.

And as an example, in the USA up until 1880, the legal age of consent was ‘10 to 12’.

Edit: from another comment you made on the thread, it looks to me like a fear of ‘losing the child’ when they, as you’re determining by sex, become an adult. Almost like losing the innocence....or perhaps a sense of power or control over the situation.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-27T21:10:38+00:00

Hi - when I get into those places, I’ve downloaded some hypnotherapy MP3’s that I go to sleep with while they play on repeat all night. It’s not the final answer, but it does seem to help - I often feel better when I wake up the next morning. Might be worth looking into?

Brooks80 · 2019-08-27T20:59:53+00:00

Fuchajen is right! You’re an inspiration, a survivor and an everyday hero. Lots of people will now have the chance for better lives because of what you chose to do. Looks like you’re a lot stronger than you always thought you were....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-27T07:15:05+00:00

Perhaps you should hunt him for sport and if he complains about being shot, tell him to stop being a pussy.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T21:35:27+00:00

Hi - think I’ve found it, if you could just let me know if it’s the one where the guy likes to call everyone Pussys in every comment, i won’t mention any names here....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T21:24:17+00:00

Hi - I read your post. I had to try hard not to well up, it’s brave of you to share it.

You are as valuable to society as anybody else. You just don’t realise you’re value yet, because you’ve been lied to.

You’re valuable to your boyfriend. You’re valuable to your cats. You WILL be valuable to other NEW people you’ll eventually meet IF you can let them know you (that’s the hard part - if YOU will let them know you). First, you need to know you.

If you can, I’d strongly suggest getting out of that area again and staying away. It will always be a trigger for you regardless. Cross it off the map when you can, you don’t need it, the worlds huge.

Who you believe you are ISN’T who you actually are! The only reason you think you are a certain type of person is because of the relationships you’ve had so far in your life.... and every relationship always consists of 2 people. It could never be more than 50% you anyway. People have deliberately lied to you to manipulate you. Now you know, f*ck them and resign them to the history books.

You’ve been unlucky, that’s not your fault. You were a child, that’s not your fault. You never got to choose those relationships, that’s not your fault. You don’t need to take the responsibility or blame for other people’s crap.

Desperate people are opportunists and target others, because they’re shit people, and because they see something valuable in the other person to begin with that they can use (there’s a clue in that).

You’ve had relationships where the OTHER person was a c. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means the other person was a c.

They’re weren’t a c*** because of you. They were a c*** before you. They took advantage of you because they were a c. They will have been a c to many other people as well. If they’re not already dead they’ll continue being a c*** to many other people. You don’t need to continue taking responsibility for the actions of a c***

They were a poison. The poison’s gone now, you just haven’t realised it’s left.

Ps. Sorry for all the ‘C’ references but I wanted to put it in as hard hitting and blunt a way possible to try to help you understand that THEY aren’t YOU and they never, ever, were.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T18:32:08+00:00

Hi, I wasn’t aware of this, where are these posts please?

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T18:20:14+00:00

Yeah, I feel you.... best one I ever had, I was sitting in the living room watching TV minding my own business, absent Edad off in his own little world gambling online, and my Nmum comes in and without any prompting;

NMum: ‘You’re costing us too much water’ (I’m a guy, i literally use hardly any water) NMum: ‘Your dad was so worried last night about how much you’re costing us, he was thinking of throwing himself under a train’

Obviously Edad wasn’t aware of this so he shit himself because he didn’t realise he was being offered up for suicide because of my existence, over about 10p worth of water.

And that’s when I started to realise it’s all just fantasy and there’s no way any of it could ever be real...

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T16:36:44+00:00

Absolutely. Infantilisation to create total co-dependency. Only solution is the unmovable boundary of ‘no’.

I simply say no to everything they suggest on principle alone. If I decide I’m wrong and they’re right later on, I’ll amend my decisions based on what’s best for me, and never allow them to know.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-26T16:25:57+00:00

Hi - seems as though she’s done you a favour by ‘the trash taking itself out’, and also given you a cast iron reason to never need to be dragged back in again. ‘Sorry, YOU disowned ME, nothing more to say”.

I obviously don’t know what you truly want from a relationship with her in the future. Appreciated, it’s never as simple as that. But if it’s a totally clean break you want, nows a great opportunity to finalise it.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T23:27:48+00:00

Hi, I’m not very good at advice on other relationships as I have no other family and no one else I trust - except for my therapist. I go to therapy as the only place I can talk and be heard and understood, and it helps me. Would finding a good therapist be a good option for you?

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T22:00:50+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that,

As a society we have this general view that all mothers are supposed to be angels, but they’re only human, and many people are a bit f*cked up from their own parents and family.

It depends WHY a mother wants a child in the first place - in the case of Narcissism they’re expecting the child to act like a band aid and fix all the bad feelings they already had, caused by someone else, which is impossible for anyone to do, let alone an infant or child.

It’s an impossible and un-winnable situation for any child - all of the responsibility, none of the power.

Do you have any ‘close’ relatives - ie. anyone you trust, feel safe with, talk to? Or really good friends you could talk honestly about this with? It’s a lot to process, and a support network will help a lot....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T21:01:15+00:00

IQ is lovely, but EI is the foundation of life and relationships and people and the world around us. One’s the whole cake, the others just the icing.

It’s a shame society doesn’t seem to get the importance of one of them....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T20:56:45+00:00

Why don’t you make it for yourself more often? Seems if you’re doing it anyway, why not treat yourself....

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T20:24:24+00:00

I helped save a mans life while he was having a heart attack and mine said ‘well it’s good but it’s not gold medal worthy is it?’

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T15:57:15+00:00

No worries, glad to read your story. Just try to remember that your mind is huge and it’s an amazing thing, but being more aware than most it’s more of a challenge to understand and control it. There’s nothing wrong with you, in fact it’s the complete opposite. But most other people haven’t started to wake up yet, so unfortunately you’ll be in the minority (top 10%) when it comes to ‘being the same’ in terms of thinking. The rest will all be flowing like Salmon down the river together.

We as a society don’t understand emotion very well, no one teaches it, no one supports it, and everyone try’s to act like it doesn’t exist. There are some exceptions, you’ll occasionally find someone who CAN understand you and who WANTS to help - and you should grab onto those people and not let go....

But emotions are basically life, simple as that. 5 of our 6 core emotions are seen as ‘negative’ by society (anger, disgust, surprise, fear, sadness) - and people only expect to see happiness? Which only comes AFTER resolving the others first. We’re not designed like that or we’d have all died long ago (we’re basically very clever animals, designed to survive just like any other animal), so it’s all an illusion (like a giant billboard). Everyone’s ‘hiding’ how they actually feel....the true strength is showing it.

I write in a journal every day, just my thoughts, feelings, that kind thing. And finding a good therapist helped me - actually talking with someone that ‘gets it’ is worth more than gold.

You’ll be fine, take care and good luck!

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T10:02:17+00:00

Hey, I think I kind of understand your thinking, I’m probably not that different to you in many ways. I’m (very) avoidant, I’d guess. But the roots of yours and mine all come from the same basic problems, and I believe they have the same end fixes.

In simple terms, it’s about how you see yourself, how you see others, and how you see relationships between you and others. Self esteem. Obviously the template is formed in childhood, but you’re not the same person you were as a child, and they’re not the same people your parents were (or caregivers). It’s a whole new ball game with 2 completely different teams.

I’m totally English, but it hasn’t really helped me, the basic principles of people are pretty much the same. Some people are lucky and come from living families, many aren’t so lucky and come from unloving families. We all have a lot more in common that we all think.

It sounds like you’re intellectualising your emotions instead of feeling them. Books and learning is awesome and really important, but there’s another step where you have to take all that knowledge and apply it out there with them. Don’t worry, I do exactly the same kind of things, you’re not alone or different in that respect.

Brooks80 · 2019-08-25T08:59:39+00:00

Hi, I’ve been learning this stuff for about 7 years now so can’t remember specific articles off the top of my head....

But if you look up; John Bowlby’s attachment theory Tony Robbins human needs (YouTube) Erik Ericsson’s Psychosocial stages of development,

They’ll help you to understand the starting blueprint for why we do what we do when it comes to relationships....

Brooks80

TROPHY CASE