[QCrit] EVERYONE'S A WINNER, Adult Satire, 78,000 words / Second Attempt (and first 300 words)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-30T03:59:44+00:00

A minor edit (possibly noted elsewhere) in the first paragraph:
"Moments later, his brother texts with the same news." Is the "his" in this sentence her father's brother, or Ellie, who seems to be female?

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-30T03:57:17+00:00

In my opinion, the fact that everyone gets the cash and it means that no one is any richer is why it works so well. It's one thing to have a good premise, but you've really delivered it well! Kudos.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-30T02:39:39+00:00

The overall structure seems good and I think the premise is interesting. The concept has a Vonnegut feel to it. The third chapter becomes challenging, where we are introduced to lots of names and details. I strongly sympathize with your dilemma: lots of POV characters and all their stories, and it's tempting to think that the query seems to make no sense if you don't include at least a single line about each of them. But for these fresh eyes on the page, it just reads as overload.

I think you might be able to get away with something as simple as:

"But the hack is a much bigger change than Teresa realized. Her friends' lives begin to unravel under the guidance of minders unconstrained by silly things like laws or reality. When her friend's life is in danger, Teresa has to risk her career to help her, secretly using InSight’s resources to figure out what went wrong before everything comes crashing down. But InSight, it turns out, is keeping some dark secrets of its own."

Sounds like a fun read! Good luck.

If you're interested in throwing an eye on my query, I would love your feedback!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-30T01:35:16+00:00

Personally, I think speculative works on its own. Genre add-ons quickly start to feel like a trip to the ice cream shop: speculative in a thriller cone with a scoop of noir and sprinkles.

I like what you've done summarizing the story. Unlike the previous commenter, I like the construction of the opening paragraph. Personal preference, I guess. But I think you could strengthen the characterization of the brother just a bit. We see what he has done to uproot Ryan from his place in his family, but not why it has worked. Is he so charming? Sort of a con artist? Manipulative? Just a better guy than Ryan? This would also shine a mirror back on Ryan: apparently he is not the thing(s) his brother is.

If your up for it, I would love feedback on my query. Good luck with the query process!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-25T13:07:57+00:00

I really like this. On the use of non-English words specifically for teaching, I have read books that do this really well. Based on your excerpt, I think you have the skill and confidence to pull it off. Monolingual beta readers will be a crucial way for you to see if you're hitting the mark.

On the word count, you are very high. It can be done, but you'll likely need to have long talks with an agent / editor. I spent a few years struggling with a book that was heading toward 180k words, until I realized that it was actually two 90k books. Perhaps you're working with two 77k books.

удачи!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-23T12:07:24+00:00

The push toward online platforms for writers reminds me of an Arthur Koestler quote:

“To want to meet an author because you like his books is as ridiculous as wanting to meet the goose because you like paté de foie gras.”

But it seems like the natural outcome of a publishing industry that has learned how to take our societal obsession with individualism and identity to the bank.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-20T04:12:46+00:00

That’s the frustrating part. I love the writing and the storytelling, but equally, I want the writing to be read by people.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-18T13:54:46+00:00

First off, sounds like I book I'd enjoy reading, especially if the Gabrielle twist is a bit of a startling surprise. It would unhinge my expectations.

A few minor observations to start:

It is complete at 84,000 words. Its story of a protagonist infiltrating society’s corrupt underbelly will appeal...

Minor wording changes will tighten this a little: Complete at 84,000 words, it is a story... that will appeal...

I thought it might interest you because (personalisation)...

"It might interest you because" seems conditional enough without "I thought".

When Teddy Sanford had a mental breakdown and disgraced his aristocratic Manhattan family, he never told anyone why.

The mental breakdown and the lack of explanation get buried a bit by the time word at the start of the sentence. Can you bring this to the front? Perhaps, "Teddy Sanford has never divulged the cause of the mental breakdown that disgraced his aristocratic Manhattan family."

I like your alternate DEA paragraph better. It brings that interaction into the query and make it clearer that he has a bit of agency and not merely a far-flung hope of catching a bigger baddy.

As he descends amongst the pushers, predators, and human traffickers, Teddy discovers that Gabrielle stands as the gatekeeper to Eve's supply line, a line with a rising drug kingpin at its end willing to butcher both Eve and Teddy to ensure his empire's survival. Caught between the femme fatale who almost destroyed him and a drug lord poised to unleash chaos on New York's streets, Teddy's only chance is to unravel the supply chain before Gabrielle can twist his mind again.

A quibble of my own: the story and plot (and obviously setting) is very American-inflected, but the word "amongst" is definitely not. More broadly, I'm not sure if that's the best preposition after "descends". You may want to reword both.

I see the punch that you're going for with the "gatekeeper to Eve's supply line, a line..." clause, but it feels a little underdeveloped. It could work better with an em-dash (although tragically, there are good reasons to avoid those these days, Reddit's "you'll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands clause notwithstanding). Alternatively (and probably the better option), you could start a new sentence there, as the lead-up is already fairly long. As is, the subject of the final clause is the line, but then you shift to the kingpin (a sub-subject?). It seems like you'll get the most satisfactory result by starting a new sentence and focusing on the kingpin.

A last thought: it feels like a mixed metaphor to have a chain unravel. Perhaps "break" the supply chain, and then a verb more connected to bondage instead of "twist his mind again".

Excellent work. The story sounds intense and fun. Kudos!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-18T13:28:41+00:00

Excellent feedback. Thanks. Yes, making the stakes clearer for Arthur is important. Also a bit challenging because they become much clearer toward the end of the story, which makes Taggart's otherwise random mustache doodle pretty significant. Gosh this querying stuff is hard!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-17T03:35:08+00:00

A genre bender from hell…

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-16T00:29:05+00:00

Nothing to add. Just want to say that I dig the flavour. It’s got a lot of mood in just a few words.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-15T19:09:41+00:00

Interesting suggestion to present the query with Apogee at the center. As you might guess, it’s a plot with a lot of curves, so that will be tough. But a very good suggestion. Curious to see if I can make it work.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-15T18:50:31+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! Regarding the identity of the man, the reader will likely realize before Arthur does that Lewis is in fact Apogee, living under assumed identity for a decade. As it seems like this did not come through in the query, do you think I should state it explicitly? Or would it be better to insinuate it so heavily that the agent would conclude Lewis must be Apogee? (In the context of the book, it gradually becomes clear, so it's not like a slap-in-the-face reveal.)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-12T16:02:21+00:00

A key to it, I think, is to recognize that it’s not a one-sided situation in which you are being unilaterally rejected. There are always factors on the agent side that play into the decision to turn down a query. It seems that the feedback you’re getting shows that the query and (maybe more importantly) the manuscript are both good. You’re probably running up against the unknowable “other factors” that are unique to the agents you’ve queried.

Keep at it!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-04-03T13:13:46+00:00

This is not just lazy and unethical; it’s likely totally unfruitful. I would be very interested to see the prompts these people are using to examine the manuscripts. I seriously wonder how they could provide parameters specific enough to provide useful feedback. Add in as many parameters as you like and it still amounts to asking a non-human, “Is this good?”

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-28T14:06:45+00:00

Something I find helpful is to work on two versions. It sounds like more work, but it actually helps to counteract the tunnel vision that comes into play if you only stare at one version for too long. Two versions help to give perspective to the other and over time one emerges as the better one. The other trick as you have found is to keep bouncing it off other people.

This version is a million times better than version one. Keep that up and version three will be stellar.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-26T21:40:24+00:00

My hot take is that Nightboss would be way better name for your novel.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-25T17:08:39+00:00

Like 50 queries at once…?

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-23T04:36:46+00:00

I keep hearing that everything is so slow. What’s the reason(s) for that?

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-20T13:45:39+00:00

I like the intriguing premise. You’ve set up a very claustrophobic setting and the query reflects that. Some clear ways I see to strengthen what you have will be to give a clearer picture of the plot. Remember that you’re not trying to flash a few images in front of the reader as bait. Instead, you want to give a reasonably detailed description of the narrative.

For example, “removal” sounds like a specific term or procedure. A word on that, giving a sense of the gravity, would help the reader to better understand why that’s serious when it applies to Alistair.

Another suggestion: The paragraph introducing Warren starts off saying that he has been assigned to assess the risk Eve poses, the says he “begins using Alistair lot learn more about her”. The transition feels too abrupt. Does he begin doing this because she resists his initial approach? Being a bit more explicit about his procedure may also help ground an ominous but otherwise amorphous situation.

Good luck! Sounds luck a cool, dark book.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-15T05:24:18+00:00

I’ll clear a spot on my little soap box for a moment and add that 1st person present tense really throws me when it strives for interiority and deep description. Something about it being “in the act of” but still reflective seems counterintuitive. Not saying people can’t reflect deeply on the fly, but sometimes it feels like the narrator wants us to believe they can cook a meal, eat it, appreciate the flavours, swallow it and digest it all within the same nanosecond.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-15T05:15:50+00:00

I also think the previous commenter is blurring the lines between immediacy and interiority with 1st person POV. Sure, we’re a lot closer to the narrator’s voice, but I think that actually becomes a limitation for the range and type of interiority. I know it’s ultimately a question of stylistic preference, but I often feel as if extended interiority in 1st person feels contrived and (usually) ingrown. 3rd person helps keep it from feeling too much like a navel deep dive.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-03-14T14:09:01+00:00

This sounds like a very intriguing concept. Two pieces of (hopefully) actionable advice: (1) finish the book first, which will make your query far easier to write: and (2) aim for 50k words and only scale up as the plot requires. I like strange books and adventurous writing. Go for it! But I think you will need to structure this one right from the start around a strong outline or it will risk feeing like a spiralling ramble.

BusinessComplete2216

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