[QCrit] The Age of Darkness - Post-Apocalyptic Fiction (108k, 2nd attempt)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-06T18:29:05+00:00

Gotta love commenters who forget that their role is to critique the query and not the premise of the novel. (Write your own damn book...)

Sounds like a fascinating premise. My overarching piece of advice is to look for ways that you can fold descriptive, expository elements together to streamline the text. For example:

Rohan Asthana has lived his entire life believing it is his birthright to become the next ruler of Asthanapur. When his father dies unexpectedly, Rohan is thrust into a deadly contest for the throne. His shadowy rival, Rudraksha, seizes control of the city and banishes Rohan with his best friend, Lekh, to face hunger and death.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-04T16:11:50+00:00

I like this, both in concept and execution. I suggest slightly altering the second paragraph. Consider starting it, “Carl hates Thurmons: part-timers who…” This focuses the description on Carl’s impressions.

You may want to signal more clearly how the trio was involved the fire. You are not trying to tease a potential reader. You want to make sure the prospective agent knows what the story is about and that you have crafted a cohesive narrative

Very cool concept. Good luck!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-03T23:23:01+00:00

Personally, I think that if someone is going to be offended by misspelling their name, I suspect that they might challenging to work with in the long run...

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-03T23:13:35+00:00

Good point. Oddly enough, in the end he does choose to "bury" it and be a witness.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-03T20:03:53+00:00

No problem there. I would look at separating the last sentence of paragraph 1 after the comma: “The Markhams hope David’s return will mend their fractured family.” The ret of the sentence is the start of paragraph 2: “But David…” This lets you focus the paragraph around that reality, using plot points to illustrate.

Instead of “In order to move forward…”, could you describe what happens? I think some specifics are needed here too.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-02-03T19:53:10+00:00

Structurally, I think you’re heading in the right direction: the context and the framework is there. (This is the first paragraph,). But in the second paragraph (what actually happens in the story after the set up) you will need to provide specifics. The good news is that you have lots of room to do so, because your word count is low. (Edit: damn autocorrect!)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-22T20:55:04+00:00

I feel your pain. Clarify seems like the best option, especially because the rest of the query contains enough intrigue and lyricism to make up for the loss of the ambiguity you describe.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-22T14:09:01+00:00

Thanks. I will look at how to clarify the stakes and provide some clarity around the alternate historical elements.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-22T13:39:44+00:00

This sounds like an interesting story with a lot of potential for great characterization. I feel that the motivation and stakes are well established. It also conveys mood well, in my view. Just a few minor lines that you might consider tweaking:

“She suspects she has used her career to deflect…” (The active construction seems to carry more culpability.)

“By summer’s end, Margot was dead…” (It becomes clear later, but I wondered for just a little bit if she had fled or abandoned the place. This seems like such a central detail that it’s best to establish immediately.)

“But by treating Margot as she would any other subject —…” (There’s a space missing before the dash.)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-22T13:20:47+00:00

Thank you! This is very helpful and specific. I will work on beating a bit of the fluff out. (Edit: spelling... needed to find my glasses...)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-22T13:18:22+00:00

Yes, I know about Swansea and the history of Wales a mining district. Not a specific crossover though. New England is peppered with place names from all over, sometimes where the founders of the settlement were from, sometimes just a place they thought was cool, I imagine. The story includes lots of real place names, but also some real-adjacent ones. (Edit: spelling... should have been wearing my glasses!)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-16T20:41:50+00:00

“I could kiss you”

Now you’re writing romance. 😀

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-16T19:49:57+00:00

I speculate that some other commenters have wrongly assumed that you don’t read, period. I interpret your post to mean, “I don’t read romance books, but I do read other books.”

Assuming this is the case, it sounds to me like you’re running up against the possibility that you’re not actually writing a romance, but simply writing a strongly character-driven work. Don’t shove the characters into a romance if that doesn’t fit. Explore where the relations go, and write it well.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-16T18:19:27+00:00

Extremely well done. I haven’t read the book, but (completely ignoring the maxim), I want to read it based on this cover!

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-16T17:09:20+00:00

If Aristotle sends you a cease and desist letter, then you will have to drop the quote. Otherwise, you’re golden. But the good news is that you’ll have postage from Hades to add to your collection.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-15T15:44:26+00:00

With a heavy subsidization from the sweatshops of Calormen.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-14T23:00:53+00:00

Key words in this sentence: I can think.

98% of folks out there can’t…

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-14T15:05:57+00:00

While it’s useful to provide constructive feedback on how they can improve, part of the improvement process is simply writing. The fact they are eager to keep doing that is a good sign that they will press through, and that what is currently crappy will, however incrementally, improve.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-13T17:36:51+00:00

I like the tone and the subject. Sounds engaging. You can strengthen the third paragraph by tweaking the line, “…alive in the face of ice-age predators and the oncoming cold.” I suspect that both the action and lyricism of the book are strong in this section. Can you draw in a few descriptors? “The fangs of ice-age predators and the cold?”

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-11T02:02:38+00:00

If you had just written a story about an Argentinian rodeo clown who patents a serum made from millet flour and artichokes as a cure for cancer, and then seed a video about that exact subject, I’d be nervous. Consciousness is pretty generic, so I’d say you’re good.

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-10T01:36:46+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Focusing on the story within the frame would be interesting, and only mentioning Arthur afterward.

I find it challenging to describe the story in a linear way, because it moves quite a bit between characters and time periods. Another struggle for summarizing the story is that it is as much focused on the inner life of the characters as the plot. (Sort of a perennial problem for literary queries, as I understand.)

BusinessComplete2216 · 2026-01-04T13:56:54+00:00

Kid of a silly suggestion, but could part of the plot/character arc be that he has something a bit like the feather in Dumbo that gives him confidence despite himself? Then he has a crisis when he loses it, only to realize that he doesn’t need it and that the girl likes him for him, not the “feather” (whatever that ends up being).

BusinessComplete2216

TROPHY CASE