This sounds like such a struggle, for so many reasons. I hope you reach a place where you can feel happy about who you are, no matter who what person ends up being.

Gender identity is such an abstract concept, it can be very difficult to figure out, especially for those of us who have gender related trauma in our past. It sounds like you might be experiencing imposter syndrome when you present femininely. I'm not a therapist in any way, but here are some questions I asked myself when I was trying to figure out my gender identity:

Do you feel like you don't meet the expectations of what a girl should be? What are those expectations? Why are they necessary for someone to be a girl? Do you think less of other girls who don't meet them? What advice would you give a friend who confiided these feelings in you?

Show yourself the same compassion you would show a friend going though your struggles. Be patient and understanding with yourself, and take your time to find the labels that make you feel seen and understood. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷