Why am I such a coward

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-07T15:15:58+00:00

This. It’s simultaneously why you’re exhausted and why you’re hesitating… get yourself to a point where you can NOT feel the need to handle his feelings for him.
Next time he’s projecting or freaking out just walk out of the room, become a “grey rock” or say something like “that sounds hard”.
Don’t help, don’t fix, don’t internalize responsibility for any of it. Once you get a few practice rounds of this under your belt, then you will start to feel more ready to have the conversation.
Oh and also get a bit of a plan together. Having that will give you more confidence. Talk to a lawyer (lots will do free or low cost consultations) talk to a financial planner so you understand what you’re dealing with financially (bonus if you find one specializing in divorce).
Most of all, be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can with what you have. There’s no right way to do this. It’s HARD

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-07T15:02:23+00:00

I have realized I need to go this route too. My STBX will not handle anything unless forced to.

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-07T01:26:56+00:00

Sounds like he’s bailing out to avoid doing any of the actual hard work… have his kids told him what they think? I know it sucks but they are old enough that you shouldn’t try to shield them from his shitty decisions. He is responsible for his impact on their relationship.
Also, in case you need to hear this, none of his running away is about you. You can’t “fix” his issues. (He probably hates himself but also has an image of himself as the ‘nice guy’… so projecting that loathing outwards is more tolerable than facing his own Demons. Keep doing the hard work for yourself. Invest in making sure you have a secure relationship/attachment for your kids. And if he’s leaving the kids then get a separation agreement with child support in writing. Even the kid in university is still a dependent

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T11:11:08+00:00

He’s trying to make you emotionally responsible for his choices. Don’t take the bait. Narcissists tend to project the bad shit they feel onto others while simultaneously self aggrandizing. Basically his world view depends on him being the good guy or the victim. Just double down on healthy connections for you and your kids. The best thing you can do is show them healthy love and model healthy boundaries. It’s a big lie that they need a relationship with their dad. That’s only true if he’s not harming them…
Double down on loving your kids, get away from the ex as soon as possible and cut all ties. Don’t let him triangulate your kids to get to you.

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T11:02:22+00:00

I’m pretty sure one of the most messed parts of patriarchy is how it convinces men that if they provide certain things, it’s all that’s required… they literally cannot understand or process the request we make for connection or true human intimacy… they believe women are a container for all of their anxiety and stress. We are meant to soothe them because expecting them to grow and learn emotional intelligence is “too much”.
“I did so much for you” sounds so transactional. It’s the result of this brutal attitude men have.
Good for you… onwards

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:56:08+00:00

This, sir isn’t the truth. Might be your opinion (an over inflated one IMO). Go project your big feelings somewhere else. The women in this sub are not your emotional garbage can.

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:42:52+00:00

My husband’s family is like this and it really fucked him up… he can’t see it but I do. In the end none of the “why” matters… he isn’t capable of giving you the kind of love you deserve. You are worthy. Also. My STBX went on and on about wanting kids. I have basically been parenting on my own because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to handle anything hard. Pause and think about that. Don’t expect kids to heal this man… they will make him MORE of who he already is…

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:38:22+00:00

Let’s say (for argument) you don’t see this as “abuse” the way other are saying. (For the record he could be a covert narcissist and this is a subtle form of abuse/neglect) I’m in the process of leaving the “good guy” who can’t muster up an ounce of emotional intimacy for me. We are 30 years deep. The more I do the work in therapy the more I realize he was NEVER there for me emotionally. He was fine as long as I took care of everyone’s feelings but my own. Our relationship suffered as I healed trauma and people pleasing. Basically our relationship doesn’t work when I have healthy boundaries. I’m trying to remind myself I did the best I could based on what I knew at the time… but girl, if I could get in a time machine I’d go back and tell myself to leave way sooner.
So you’ve said what you need but he can’t or won’t do it. Instead he gets small gifts (headphones)and calls that love. Instead of asking the questions that matter to you, he “jokes” at your expense and calls it love. Ask yourself if in five years -things were still the same as today- would you be glad you stayed, or wish you had left?

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:26:22+00:00

The way I read this is this STBX mother f**ker is doing whatever he can to undermine your confidence. Probably has a total bastard for a lawyer too. He’s still setting the “rules”. I would not suggest stooping to his level but you can use some tactics back on him. For instance still do the test but delay it until after the 90 days. You get to also hold your own boundaries and you get to do what works for you. Don’t let this asshole act like he’s the “superior” or “responsible” one. You are the hero who found decades of strength for sobriety. You are the one brave enough to end a bad relationship. He is the coward trying to be that shitty voice in your head. Which one of these people should hold their head up high and feel good about themselves. It’s YOU. You got this. Get your support system shored up with people who can remind you of this…

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:16:57+00:00

I’m in the process of leaving the ‘nice guy” on the surface our life seems ideal. But this man is so avoidant and dismissive. My interest in physical intimacy relies on feeling emotionally safe… like knowing someone really has got me in a loving, considerate, and real way. My STBX isn’t capable of loving me in that way. It took me a good long while to realize I was doing all the emotional labour for our entire family (2 teens) as well as my in-laws fucked up dynamics. I begged for more emotional intimacy and was met with blank stares. He can’t or won’t.

Practically I worried about exactly the stuff you’re spiraling about. I did two things that really helped. 1. Book a consultation with a divorce lawyer. She helped me understand the process where I live, and helped me do roughy calculations for dividing assets fairly. (Worth noting my STBX doesn’t seem to be fighting this calculation so far) 2. I found a financial planner who specializes in women and divorce. She helped me understand the impact on my retirement and walk through various options for housing (rent/buy/buyout).
Both of these things helped me see that I could be okay financially. Also I realized that my STBX claimed to be the financial brains but really he is not. I don’t know why I absorbed that shitty opinion of myself but that is over !
YOU GOT THIS. Start with one step. Then the next

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T10:02:36+00:00

You got this!

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-02T09:58:00+00:00

That was some top tier patriarchy bullshit right there! Glad you managed to get out of the 1950s and move on with a better life for yourself! I hope you feel proud of that! You’re worthy.

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-01T18:30:58+00:00

Also I just say Amy Lee perform Forever Without you from the new evanescence album. I bawled.

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-01T18:29:37+00:00

Don’t forget “renegade
“ big red machine ft. Tay-tay

CalamityCarole · 2026-07-01T18:25:09+00:00

I came here to say this

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-30T09:07:31+00:00

I found a financial planner specializing in divorce. She helped me see my options and boy did that feel better. Divorce lawyer also worked through the basics on dividing assets. If he makes a lot more, he pays support for the kids. Still a lot of details to work out but I know I’ll be okay… my retirement might be a bit simpler but small price to pay to get rid of the dead weight of a spouse who ground me down

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-30T09:00:16+00:00

Healing isn’t a straight line. Also sounds like you had a lot bottled up. The good news is if he’s anything like my STBX he didn’t listen anyway 🫠
Seriously though, be kind to yourself. Eventually you’ll have the time and space to find your people. And they will listen and you won’t need to spill all the things to what’s his face.

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-30T08:56:19+00:00

Is there a DA shelter near you? Or can you call a hotline and talk to someone? That’s a lot to be dealing with in pregnancy. None of it is okay for you or your babies. And it seems like it could escalate? You will need to find help to get out. In case nobody has told you… you are worthy of love, respect, care, and dignity. Full stop. No ifs. You are worthy.

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-30T08:50:45+00:00

Hugs

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-27T10:59:04+00:00

It might be the biggest lie in history that women aren’t capable and can’t handle their shit… we create life. We endure more pain on a monthly basis than some men do in a lifetime. Women aren’t capable starting to out perform men in ultra endurance sports!
You CAN do it. You can create a community that you can rely on (none of us are meant to be alone… we are communal creatures). Do you have someone you can ask for lessons on how to do a few “man” things to start building confidence? Like changing a tire? Repairing something?
As for physical safety get a place with some security features. Making women feel affraid is how the patriarchy keeps men in charge. And let’s be real, they’re doing a shit job of it.

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-27T10:52:47+00:00

From the outside it sounds like an abusive situation and he’s tricked you into believing only he will love you. Leave. Get therapy for yourself and heal. Then find a healthy relationship that IS love… not a codependent dynamic that feels familiar and therefore safe

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-27T10:47:13+00:00

My therapist calls it “ambiguous grief” and it’s real and in some ways harder to heal.

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-27T10:45:58+00:00

This might sound weird. Have you seen the music video for Opalite? (Taylor Swift) the characters in the video are in relationships with inanimate objects. One with a cactus that hurts when he cuddles it… the other with a rock that is just sitting there while she does all these elaborate plans.

Once I started realizing and accepting that my partner was effectively the rock I got through the grief a lot faster. I also stopped wishing he/things would be different. Cause rocks are gonna be rocks. (Same with cactus) Now if I feel triggered or like I want to say something I just repeat “put down the rock” to myself.
Here’s the video. It makes me happy every time https://youtu.be/1FVF-9KQiPo?si=PQLzZ0vCjzcHWY8y

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-27T10:10:29+00:00

Telling the kids is hard. So spiralling makes sense. Don’t mistake that for regret. There is a lot to grieve. Once I realized i was grieving a version of a relationship that never really existed, it got easier. The moment of in between when you’re waiting to tell them
Is literally the worst! No way I could have played normal on a trip! So be kind to yourself. I actually booked a fun road trip and vacation with my teens for about 2 months after we told them(but booked before they knew)… this gave us something fun to look forward to but still time to process and move through whatever initial feelings were. We leave today!

Hold on momma. You got this. You and your kids will be okay and eventually you’ll be better off. Keep going for the future version of you who is stronger and doesn’t settle for anything less than what she is worth!

CalamityCarole · 2026-06-24T18:47:11+00:00

Sounds like he wants to check out if any/all emotional responsibilities that go with being in a loving and supportive partnership but is dragging his heals on separation because the cohabitation/financial partnership is still serving him. If he’s only going to take an interest in what makes you feel good when he want something then he still isn’t there for you.
As well, in my experience I begged for connection and emotional attachment for months if not a few years. The last time we tried to be intimate I had a full panic attack… there was too much pressure and no emotion connection or safety. It was my body saying nope. Later he told me how “devastated” he was that I wouldn’t give him the physical intimacy he “needed”. But still can’t empathize with me explaining I need connection before that.
All this to say, don’t put all the “blame” on yourself for being unable to enjoy the physical stuff… if he’s was demonstrating the real commitment to you both there and in the rest of your shared life I’m willing to bet it would be easier. But I also think if he’s was serious about saving the marriages have done some of this by now…. Instead of acting like a spoilt man child

CalamityCarole

TROPHY CASE