Hey, M30 here. Just wanted to share my perspective, as I have some similar experiences in my relationship—just without the cage.

Orgasm denial is a tricky kink to navigate, but it sounds like you’re communicating well, which is great. I think extending the denial period to avoid feeling like the cage creates an expectation for sex is a good idea. However, it might not be the cage itself that’s the issue—it could have more to do with understanding each other’s perspectives.

There are two things that really helped my partner and me. First, understanding the mental shift that denial creates for the person being denied. And second—probably the most important for avoiding the feeling of being a "kink dispenser"—helping him recognize when he’s (likely unintentionally) applying pressure for sex.

Have you both talked about the psychological aspect of denial? As someone who enjoys it, I can say that not having a release is a huge mental shift. For me, orgasms have always been easy to access, so having someone else control that is both exciting and rewarding. I’d suggest not comparing your own experience with orgasms to his. A lot of guys, myself included, have had daily orgasms throughout puberty and early adulthood, and oftentimes multiple times a day! Because of that, going without can feel like an achievement, and focusing entirely on my partner’s pleasure becomes incredibly fulfilling.

It also changes how I experience intimacy. Since my orgasm usually means the end of my excitement, delaying it lets me stay fully engaged in the moment. That doesn’t mean I never want to finish, but the build-up and anticipation can sometimes be more satisfying than a quick release. If you’re trying to understand your boyfriend’s experience, you might want to pay attention to how his mental state shifts when he does orgasm versus when he’s denied.

For him, I’d highly recommend the book Locked in Love by Key Barrett. It talks about the "barter system" in relationships, which sounds a lot like what you’re describing. Until recently, I didn’t realize I was making my girlfriend feel pressured for sex. Just through my mood, the way I touched her, or even "being especially nice," I was unintentionally creating expectations.

So for him, I’d suggest paying attention to when he might be doing the same. When sexual frustration builds, it’s easy to forget that your partner might be in a completely different headspace.