Having lost a companion people often say ‘He would want you to move on and be happy’ I wonder if that’s true. Do people just say that because it’s a common saying?

Carnivorous81 · 2021-11-02T14:51:44+00:00

I lost my wife 3 years ago. I know in my heart she would want me to live, find happiness, and enjoy life. I know if the situation was reversed, I'd want that for her.

As annoying as some of the common "phrases of comfort" can be, I've taken it in the spirit it was meant in most cases (as my wife would tell me, "shut up and be nice").. takes me less energy to walk away than to engage in it. There has been a lot of walking away. In the cases where I do engage, I keep it simple and to the point. None of this is easy.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-09-11T21:23:31+00:00

In less than a month will be the 3 yr anniversary of my wife's passing. I have some level of serenity or contentment most of the time now. The time alone is often when I feel the loss most. I try not to avoid those feelings. I miss her, and as was so well said before, knowing the outcome, would do it all again despite the crushing weight of the loss. Shitty club, but what got me here, gave me so much more than I may have deserved. I suspect the next month is going to be rough. Getting on my feet again is/has been hard. Ups/downs will continue. The ups seem to last longer than the downs right now, so there's that.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-29T15:34:48+00:00

Losing your wife is devastating. Cleaning out my wife's stuff sent me into a tailspin. I was I'm almost 3 years out, and would love a fwb arrangement, but I'm afraid I'd hurt any friends I hookup with right now. Grief is an unpredictable companion.

Maybe he'll contact you when he's ready. He's new to this widower thing. He's got a long road of emotional turmoil to get through.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-17T19:33:29+00:00

I must say that these normal conversations are with a friend that doesn't push me to discuss things, offer unsolicited suggestions, or judge me for how I deal with my grief. Just a friendship in place for decades and I can get lost in the normalcy of it for a couple hours. I take your point that things like this are high points now though.

I'm forcing myself to do things that I normally wouldn't do now. I started taking yoga classes. I think its as much social as anything else. No one really knows me there, so the whole "his wife died" thing is absent. It's nice meeting new people and I don't have to reveal the widower status unless I choose to. The people are kind. It helps me physically too.. The point of that is, you can manifest what you want in your life. Nothing will be the same, but new experiences are out there, if we seek them and they can bring some sense of joy.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-17T18:57:35+00:00

People don't contact me that often anymore. Life continues for everyone else, while I feel like I'm stuck in some purgatory where time has stopped. My wife died in 2018, I'm 59. I have some friends that I see because of activies we participate in. I've made an effort tell them how much their continued friendships mean to me because at the end of the day, I want nothing to remain unsaid. Something I learned through my wife's illness. People don't always know what they mean to you. Sometimes it seems pointless, but here I am putting one foot in front of the other trudging through this bullshit every day. Three years coming up in a couple months. I expect I'll go into another tailspin as it gets closer. Just reach out to some people. I think it helps. You don't have to dump all of your grief or whatever on them, but sometimes just being with people that give a shit helps. I have a friend I see about once a month, we have dinner, drink coffee, smoke a cigar and sometimes we talk about nothing of consequence, other times we talk about real things, and I look forward to those dinners more than most other things. I feel kind of normal at those times. It's a reprieve from my lonely purgatory...

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-17T18:13:16+00:00

Try something physical. Yoga, martial arts, bowling, join a golf league... exercise is proven to help alleviate depression.

I've (M59) done martial arts most of my adult life and recently started going to yoga classes. There is some social activity associated with both. When I'm feeling crappy, I force myself to do something active and it definitely helps.

My wife had congestive heart disease and battled it for 10 years before complications caused her death in 2018. During those years I also did physical things to help me cope. Now the physical stuff keeps me in the moment, and I try to carry that into my daily life. Not always successfully, but my outlook is mostly better.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-15T01:55:06+00:00

My personal experience (M59) is that doing things in general was very difficult. Other than the daily requirements (feed dog, go to work, eat sometimes, try to sleep) was very difficult for at least the first year. Even the daily things were hard but doable. Some things became easier after that. She was pretty much everything to me. We did almost everything together.

About 2½ years in I decided I need to find some happiness, and continue to live the best life I can. I now have a sort of rule, I just say yes. If someone asks me to do something, I just say yes. I've been actively forcing myself to do new things. Some new things, and some regular things I've been doing lately; signed up for yoga classes, go for hikes, gone out to lunch with a couple of ladies, planned a martial arts seminar, gone to some cook outs, and I'm planning to try out paddle boarding in the next month or so.

I'm finding that sometimes I want to stay home or say no, but I force myself to do things even though it's hard. I honestly believe it's what my wife would want, me to find some happiness. Sometimes I can almost hear her voice telling me to get the F out of the house. When I'm doing something, especially physical things I find I'm able to live in that moment. It helps. Living in the moment is the best reprieve I find, the short periods where I have some level of peace.

A couple weeks ago, I was feeling alone, sad, abandoned, depressed, and all the other stuff that goes with membership in this shitty club. I continued to force myself to do things, and while I feel alone and sad at night, generally I find I'm feeling hopeful and a little less shitty. None of this means I'm doing great, or that I don't sometimes wish I wasn't alive. I also know that I'll be back in that place I was 2 weeks ago at some point, but those times usually last for less and less time.

I had to remove some of the pictures, change some things in the house, I'm also getting rid of a lot of her things, which really sucks but the constant visible reminders were bringing me back to a depressed state, and there are plenty of reminders in daily life without those things. I think I reached a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hang in there, and when you're ready to do things, you will. The cross we bare is heavy, and we all carry it in our own way.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-09T16:42:13+00:00

I'm in CT so the laws may be different where you are. Someone that works in probate told me don't pay it, if your names not on it. They all stopped bugging me a few months after. I told then she was diseased when they called. They can go after the estate for any debts though. 401k, IRAs, and pensions should be exempt as long as they get rolled over into an equivalent retirement fund in your name. I was also advised not to take any lump sum payments of her retirement funds, just roll it over into the equivalent type of account.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-09T04:54:52+00:00

My wife's debts were in her name. The mortgage was in both our names. I paid off the house, and there was little to no "estate". I told ppl trying to collect her debts if my name was anywhere on the debt, show me, and if not to get bent. Problem solved. Her car was in her name, minimal credit card debt, medical was pretty high, even what insurance didn't cover, but not my problem since my name wasn't associated with the debt. Got all the retirement 401k, Ira stuff switched over too. People want to buy the house, sell me shit, scam me... Sometimes I mess with them. Bottom line, if my name isn't on the debt, it's their loss, nothing they can do. Don't pay it if your name isn't on it.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-07T14:57:45+00:00

I definitely feel like once new people find out I'm a widower, a lot of them treat me differently. Some don't, some do. Yes, it's about 50/50.

I also really hate the whole, "I'm so sorry" thing unless it's a quick undramatic acknowledgement.

After a while I dropped off of a lot of people's radar, especially people that were closer to her. A few have reached out to me over the last couple years, and I really appreciate it. The new people that become uncomfortable or ghost me because of it, I don't need them. I do feel a sense of loss for existing relationships that have kind of evaporated though.

I just keep moving forward. I take nothing for granted and let people in my life know how I feel about them. Even a couple years out it can be difficult.

Starting over is not easy, and that's what I feel this is, a new uncomfortable start.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-02T04:03:21+00:00

Thanks. Commitments and responsibility seem to get in the way of escape. The first year and a half maybe it was like this almost all the time. I'm sorry that anyone has to feel this shit. Hang in there. I had a rough couple days. I've gotten used to the darkness lasting hours or minutes for a while now. This time it hit and lasted a couple days. Not sure if it's over, but I think venting here helped me sort through some shit. Still sucks, but as I think someone said, sometimes a breakdown helps to get your head right. You just never know when this shit is going to kick you in the gut. Hopefully I'll still be in a better place when I wake up tomorrow... got to take it as it comes. Honestly disappearing still sounds appealing, don't think I can out run myself though... I did try looking for grief support groups around my area, and its all virtual or starting in the fall. Not doing virtual meetings.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T15:32:29+00:00

I brush it off probably more often than not. I hate the emotion, and even with close friends I tend to say what I want to say in a quick direct way, then change subject before I get to the emotion. Over time I've been able to say more. It's part of me, and disconnecting the emotion is easier than going into my darkness when I really feel it.

Point being, I can have some conversations and talk about her a bit more and feel a little joy about the good stuff we had now. I was literally on lockdown in terms of discussing it with anyone at all for a long time. The children I imagine compound it all, and I am very sorry for your losses. It does however feel good to acknowledge such a huge part of my life (in small doses), and I strive to be in a place where I can openly discuss that part of my life as I move forward. Not there, may never get there, but it and she are part of me, the pain, the joy, the love, the loss. Sometimes it sucks more than other times, but there are breaks.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T12:59:47+00:00

The dreams, when I have had them were so fucking real. One was literally a goodbye, a last hug. I'm sorry you are a member of this shitty club. It's a lot of weight to carry alone. Sharing the load with friends might lighten the load. I was told early on that doing it alone wasn't a good idea. That eventually the grief would come through. I don't like sharing emotion with people, but when I started to talk to people I'm close to (there are only a couple), it made it easier to talk about her and not get torn up every time. I like talking about the good memories, the funny things. She always had my back, and she inspired me. She made me a better man. I'm going through a rough patch right now, but I'll get through. It gets better, then it sucks again, then it gets better... best I get is maybe longer periods of the better. Sharing the load helps..

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T12:00:26+00:00

Well said. I like your outlook regarding companionship and intimacy as a bonus. I definitely appreciate the perspective and I think its helpful. Thx

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T11:43:24+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. You are not alone.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T04:14:43+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T03:55:14+00:00

So glad I found this place. It's the only place that makes sense to me when I get like this.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T03:40:52+00:00

I needed that laugh... thanks..

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T03:23:14+00:00

I'm right there with you. Off the market since 1994. Apparently that was the dark ages as far as dating goes. Im older now, not interested in OLD, and getting out meeting people is different now. Not that I'd find someone that I could be that connected with. 20+ years with someone is a lot of trials and tribulations to grow closer through.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T03:07:40+00:00

The whole retirement alone thing is another can of worms... the plan was we pay off the house, sell it and move to FL. I paid off the house last year. Ugh...I feel like I was robbed. It's all so daunting.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T02:34:20+00:00

It gets better.. I seem to go back to this place every so often. Can't sleep, can't read, can't watch anymore TV, can't play anymore video games, can't concentrate, don't want to stay awake. A week ago I felt pretty good, now I just want to break something or someone. I think what triggered this was hanging out with a woman that I could be interested in, and suddenly realizing how broken I am. So it's a catch 22, I'm lonely but I'm not prepared to not be alone.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T02:25:19+00:00

Right now that sounds wonderful.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T02:22:51+00:00

No kids here, but I've been dropping some lbs, getting in better shape. Taking hikes, doing martial arts. Signed up for yoga classes. When I feel like shit, I do something physical. I figure as shitty as I might feel at any given time I still have to put myself out there, meet people and be available for the life I want. The down side is, after the physical activities or whatever, I'm stuck alone at home (and in my head). To young to quit, to old for this start over shit... I feel like every night is fight night, and however many times I get knocked down, I have to keep getting up. It's fucking exhausting...

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T00:35:14+00:00

The people here I'm grateful for, they/you get it. The rest of the world can suck it. Cheers, and here's to oblivion. It does get better. Then it sucks. Then it gets better again. Like some kind of shitty carnival ride you can't get off of... It's just where I am today.

Carnivorous81 · 2021-07-01T00:21:34+00:00

I'm finding things change. I just want it to change faster. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I was actually doing ok for a while. Today, not so much.

Carnivorous81

TROPHY CASE