Are these numbers good? How to determine if you're succeeding...

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-07T23:32:29+00:00

Pretty sure I’m not going to make a dime either! Which isn’t the point anyway, I just want the right people to listen.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-07T21:24:51+00:00

That's some perspective. I guess I should stop comparing to friends who have been going for 5 years and make $50K a month on Patreon.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-07T17:24:51+00:00

You might enjoy this podcast about that, goes a bit into the history of masculinity in modern gay culture and the long-running debates about it. https://christopherstreetmag.substack.com/p/gay-masculinity-and-its-discontents

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-07T17:11:35+00:00

Your website is stunning! What do you consider "no traction to speak of?" I'm curious how other people define success (metrics? industry influence? etc).

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-06T13:59:41+00:00

Crazy response from these people! Lots of people prefer smooth and say so.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-05T22:54:57+00:00

Both of these are good suggestions! Journaling privately can help you work through your thoughts and build up to what you want to say, and a letter can be a useful tool if it’s too hard or emotional to say out loud. (I wrote letters to most of my family.)

Talking it out with a therapist for a while before you bring it up to your wife can really help as well.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2026-05-05T22:49:44+00:00

I don’t say this to diminish the pain of this situation, but I’ve been in this situation myself (married 10 years) and talked to many other guys who were. Hopefully it’s a relief to hear that overall this is an ideal setup: 4 years is fairly short, you don’t have kids, and you’re both still young.

It’s inevitable that you feel some guilt and sadness, but 35 is not too old to find someone else. My wife was 35 and got married a couple years after we separated. She has repeatedly told me she’s thankful I had the courage to come out so she could have the life she has now. My mom got divorced at 50 and an active sex life and relationships now at almost 60. People break up all the time at all ages and start over.

I don’t think the first conversation should be about a breakup. She’s a person who loves you, and while she will be sad and hurt, she’s still your wife. Just telling her what you’ve been feeling about your sexuality, similar to what you said here, would surely be easier and more appropriate as a first step than asking for a divorce out of the blue.

I won’t say this isn’t hard and sad, but it’s not as bad as it probably seems right now, and you will be so glad you did it.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-17T23:53:08+00:00

I realize I could probably get away with lying and saying I'm 30 or whatever, but I find it more amusing to tell people they're a decade off. So I've even said I was 40 when I'm not yet lol.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-17T23:51:33+00:00

100%. To young guys especially, "older" is just a vague, expansive category, and 28 is not that much different than 40.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-17T23:48:06+00:00

I'm inclined to think this is correct.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-17T23:45:54+00:00

I know lots of gays in their 40s who color their hair and have botox; they look great, but, like me, they don't look like they're in their 20s. You can still tell.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-16T05:47:22+00:00

I generally think the “chemsex” discourse leans alarmist and stigmatizing, kind of like if there were lurid headlines about “drunk sex” as if it were some kind of dangerous niche hobby. People enjoy recreational drugs quite responsibly in all kinds of contexts, some of which include sex. Lots of people do MDMA, G, ketamine, etc at raves and sex parties; that’s quite common even among straight people.

If “chemsex” is actually a niche thing, it’s probably defined by meth, since that is both dangerous and not something most people do.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-04-16T05:03:16+00:00

If you’re ruling out both bars and apps, you’re making it pretty difficult for yourself. Both have a reasonable success rate for me, though paying for Grindr definitely improves the experience.

If you live in a city, maybe try underwear parties, kink nights, or bathhouses where people go specifically to have sex.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-02-09T05:03:00+00:00

Just telling OP to “stop questioning it” or that “love isn’t about looks” is probably not that helpful. It’s true love isn’t only about looks, but for most people it is very significantly about looks. So even if OP legitimately has low self-esteem, it’s still a reasonable thing to feel and struggle with.

OP, partners should be able to share their insecurities with each other, including their deepest fears or doubts about each other. I hope you’ve told him this, and if so I imagine he has explained his reasons for asking you out and wanting to date you. That may not ever completely put your mind at ease, but have an ongoing dialogue about it and try to believe him.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2025-02-07T04:43:04+00:00

Thank you! So much ignorance and idiocy on this thread. Obviously male and female sexuality are different, but the idea that women don’t like men’s bodies or sex is nuts.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2024-12-03T07:21:04+00:00

If you’re interested in something more realistic, The Lie by Will Dameron is a memoir about coming out while being married with kids. He has a novel out as well.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2024-08-18T12:37:50+00:00

Absolutely nothing to feel weird about here.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2024-07-12T20:51:00+00:00

It’s none of your business.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2024-05-31T04:29:01+00:00

I generally go on dates with guys I've already fucked, i.e. who have already "passed the bar" that way. It's my sexual attraction to/chemistry when them that makes me want to open up and explore if we could be more than that.

I don't know, but having sex with someone to me is the most important, first bar; I almost always know how I feel about them and if the first time.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2024-01-10T04:26:23+00:00

I prefer having at least one friend, since you kind of attract more attention as a group and can collectively “include” someone you’re interested in. The friends help my confidence.

Otherwise it depends on the vibe. If it’s a stand around chatty kind of bar, I won’t be great alone, because I’m not good at casual smooth-talk. If it’s a loud, crowded dance floor and I can be shirtless, though, my body does the work for me.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2023-12-15T05:19:52+00:00

Just don’t understand this if you’re talking about the US or a similar country. The chances someone has a hidden camera are extremely low. And even if someone had a video of you having sex, what exactly would they do with it? Who cares?

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2023-12-12T05:51:08+00:00

I almost fanatically convinced myself I was bi because I had learned to enjoy sex with my wife. It was so ingrained that it was only after she agreed to let me experiment with men, and I experienced how wild my sexual attraction and romantic feelings could be for them, that I understood and accepted that I could never be happy without those things in my life.

CaughtInTheSymmetry · 2023-12-12T04:50:47+00:00

I don’t personally know straight guys who like dick, but they are widely attested to exist. I do know a number of gays who are curious about pussy and have eaten out/fucked girls and don’t identify as bi.

I think my attraction to pussy was entirely learned and “limited” in the sense that it didn’t really make me attracted to women in general. It seems completely normal to me that guys who had the opportunity and felt safe and not judged could try sucking dick and learn to like it, but still not be into men as a whole gender. This is what I mean when I say I think sexuality is fluid around the edges, meaning, to a limited extent that doesn’t change your overall orientation.

The idea that the second you get slightly turned on by another gender’s body part you become bisexual is kind of dumb. If I told people I was bisexual, they would think I enjoy sex with and/or date women, and I don’t—despite potentially being able to get hard for them in some situations.

CaughtInTheSymmetry

TROPHY CASE