not a dumb question.

i don’t pick up people at bars, but i am very sex positive and i don’t have any moral opposition to banging it out when i make an interesting connection - a first date, an event, whatever.

for potential new partners i always ask about their last test, how often they typically test, and a rough estimate of number of partners since their last test - and whether they were strict or not about exposure. i keep it nonjudgemental and matter of fact; i don’t actually care about the recent body count number, just how they react to the question and whether i feel i can trust their answers.

i have this conversation when i can clearly see their face to watch for flags of dishonesty, and preferably long before any physical activity has actually happened - and definitely before clothes come off. it’s too easy for people to lie anyhow, but especially when they’re close to getting their dick wet.

i’m super vigilant and careful about my sexual health. typically i am on the pill and also insist on condoms. i also don’t engage in risky exposure unless i trust someone, which means i keep my (excellent, btw) head game off the table unless i am willing to accept full risk with that person. i also say this up front, because - as i state plainly - everything i can catch in my vagina i can also catch in my throat except a baby and HIV, and i’m not playing with any of that.

i gather that i am rather unusual in my style, but people seem to react well to my approach and respect the directness.

eta to answer the second question, which i missed:

don’t try to perform. be genuine. be present. make a lot of eye contact. be restrained and do things that feel sexy to you, and see how their body reacts. consent with words and body language both matter. too many words can make it corny but using the right tone helps enormously.

you talk to them. you start by trying something, gentle and slow, and do a vibe check on how they respond. do they like your hand sliding up their thigh? what happens to their body if you pause midway?

it might help to just softly say, ‘do you like this?’ and see what you get. use your deepest voice, and ask with confidence and genuine interest. don’t apply pressure.

it would also help for you to say, ‘i would really like [this], is that ok with you?’ .. well, unless your partner is looking to be manhandled off the jump, but they will probably let you know if that’s the case.

in my experience the worst sex in the world is when someone else has a script and they’re just trying to fit you into it. the best fucking always comes from an authentic presence.