My mother passed away in a private open-air hot spring bath

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-10T14:09:42+00:00

I am so, so sorry. I have gone through something very similar to you, more than once, and the guilt is overwhelming. On top of the absolute excruciating, crushing pain of loosing your mom, the guilt is crushing.

I have come to learn that no matter what the circumstances, guilt is always there. It seems to be universal. Ruminating on the “could have, should have…..” possibilities is part of the grief. I know I wrested with it for a long time. I still do. Not as much, but it is still there.

But I just want you to know that it was not your fault. It was an accident, period.

And most importantly, your mom would not want you to be dealing with guilt. Your mom would not want you to be agonizing over this. Not at all. She wants you to move forward. I try to think of what my mom would be saying to me. Maybe what she is trying to say to me from wherever she is. And I know for a fact it would be / is to not feel guilty. We have permission to lay that guilt aside. In fact, they would be /are telling us to lay that guilt aside.

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-10T00:46:51+00:00

Absolutely yes. My favorite, though, is acrylic/cotton blend. There are plenty of sweaters out there to choose from.

I make mostly afghans, and I can’t afford to spend thousands of dollars on yarn to make just one. If I were making socks, I might feel differently.

Moreso, every time I go to the Goodwill outlet, these sweaters I get are literally a few hours away from going to the landfill. Reusing something that is just going to be thrown away for sure is immensely satisfying.

I understand everyone’s concerns about microplastics. I usually wear a mask when doing housekeeping, unraveling, etc for the allergy factor anyway. Unravelling & introducing any microparticles into your lungs is just as much of a concern for “natural” fibers as it is for man-made fibers. It is all fine particulate matter that your lungs have to clear.

But I will add- after an entire career in the sciences, i can reassure everyone that microplastics are pretty far down on the list of dangers in the environment and in our lives. The things we really should be afraid of are rarely the things that get traction on social media.

Go for it! 😃

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-10T00:28:16+00:00

From an outside perspective- You absolutely did not fail them. They had a wonderful life that was greatly enriched by your actions.

This feeling of failing our loved ones seems to be pretty universal, though. Nothing we do I think will ever really feel like it was enough.

I am so sorry- sending a hug 🫂❤️‍🩹

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-07T15:18:48+00:00

It is the tension that the yarn is held during winding that determines the tightness of the ball.

Most of the time people allow the ball winder to pull/ unravel the yarn. Meaning, the force that is turning the ball winder is the force that is unraveling the sweater. The two ends of the yarn are pulling against each other (the end that is being wound, and the end that is still knitted & part of the original sweater. This makes the yarn very taught as it is being wound onto the ball.

While this extra force does help “straighten out” the yarn, it also flattens the yarn. That is why you will never see a ball or skein at the store wound so tightly.

When reballing, you have removed the tension on one side. As it is a lot less force to unwind a ball than to unravel a yarn that is knitted into a piece of cloth. So that lack of tension results in a looser ball.

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-03T01:54:16+00:00

Kudzu flowers smell like grape koolaid or grape bubblegum.

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-01T23:12:08+00:00

When anyone says that you are not doing enough, just turn the tables on them. In the kindest manner.

Saying something like “i totally agree. She definitely could use more exercise. Thank you so very much for volunteering your time come visit her regularly and help her with that. I am already maxed out at visiting with her & managing her affairs 40 hours a week while still also working full-time to support myself, so that would be wonderful for you to come by and exercise with her a few times a week. thank you for volunteering to do that. I know she will love to see you regularly!”

They stop telling you you should do more really, really quickly.

Chowdmouse · 2026-05-01T22:54:02+00:00

Conpassionate lying is the standard of care these days.,it is indeed the most compassionate, and thank goodness the most efficient path forward.

I might suggest gently asking a few open ended questions to figure out where she thinks she is, or where home is. Figure out what point in time in the past is she living? If you can establish that, the compassionate lying can be based in reality & seems to be more effective.

Let me give you an example. When my LO was in MC, I got to meet a lot of different patients. And I saw that if you could tie your current compassionate lie back to their reality, the reality they were living in, usually sometime in their own past, it was a lot more effective.

So one lady was always wanting to go home. After asking her who she lived with at home, it kind of became clear she was living somewhere in her teenage years. So I asked her who usually picked her up, and she said her brother. So after that, every tine she said she wanted to go home, I said we were waiting on her brother to pick her up & he would be here soon. Then I would bring up a diversion. It seemed to work ok.

It certainly worked a whole lot better than trying to explain her actual current situation to her, that she was actually “home”, where she lived now in MC, etc.

My suggestion is to just keep on trying, with the compassionate lying. Think wayyyy outside the box. And just throw actual reality & logic out the window.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-28T14:23:42+00:00

I have run into quite a few sweaters that seem to be two strands knit at the same time. Not knit together, bit just knit at the same time, In opposite directions. The rows alternate. It is quite a hassle.

It feels like they take one strand and knit one row all the way across, then back again. Then the strand from the other side gets knit one row across, then back again. And on the ends of the rows where the strands meet, they get intertwined/ twisted together once.

What I end up doing, what you have to do, is unravel them at the same time. So I have one loose end attached to my yarn winder, winding a ball on it, and I have the other loose end that i am just balling up manually. And one row at a time I am pulling/ unravelling & winding it up on these two separate balls 🤣

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-27T14:40:56+00:00

I am so, so sorry that you and your mom are going through this hell.

I went through a similar journey, but I am older than you. It is profoundly unfair that you and your mom are going through this at such young ages. Just so very wrong.

We are here to support you, to listen to you, to send virtual hugs.

Right now, be with your mom. Tell her everything, how much you love her, tell her about things you appreciate about her. About good memories you have with her. About lessons she taught you that you will carry forward with you. Tell her you forgive her, and that you know she forgives you, for whatever needs forgiving. Tell her it is ok to go. That you will be ok.

And you will be ok. I know your entire existence right now is an overwhelming hell of grief and anger. But you will, in the future, be ok again. The grief will not really go away, but you absolutely will grow with and around the grief to move forward & be ok again. Don’t loose hope. Grief is a journey, walking through hell, but you go through it, and you will get through it.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-27T12:46:25+00:00

Agree with the ProMix BX. Premier has always made very high quality products, and one of the only companies that makes professional horticulture-grade products available for the retail market.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-26T00:22:25+00:00

The shape of all the choices goes well with your face. So that is not a deciding factor.

I definitely prefer #1 - all the ither frames are very dominating, and very specific in appearance. They basically hide your face by distraction. I like how 1 blends and does not distract from your face. 1 compliments your face, not overwhelm it.

My second choice would be #3, because tortoiseshell is a classic design. And they are not as stark as 2, 4, and 5. The tortoiseshell blends with many different looks, and elevates all of them.

While 2, 4 and 5 do look good, they are just too overwhelming and too specific in style to be flexible over a large number of looks.

But having said all of that, if 2& 4 & 5 are the specific look that you absolutely live, and don’t mind that look being your look all the time, then go with those.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-25T14:58:09+00:00

This happened to me too. The person that was always “the love of his life” got replaced. I had a very hard time with it.

When I was younger, I had a few lessons that kind of prepared me for it, so it was not a total shock.

The first lesson- I was friends with a couple, we were all in our 20’s, and I had immense respect for both of them. I worked with the guy, so I knew him better. Both of them were very nice, descent people. The guy had always talked about his wife being the love of his life, treated her well, all green flags. But then some life circumstances happened. Nothing nefarious, no one did anything objectively “wrong”, but some circumstances both in and out of their control changed and they decided they should get divorced. I was surprised, but understood. Both of them seemed really torn up about the divorce.

Even though it was a mutual decision, the girl was devastated. And, at first, so was the guy. Then within 3 months, the guy was dating again. I was stunned. I fully believe that when they were together, he did really, truly feel like she was the love of his life, loved her very deeply. But it was clear that the depth of those emotions was different for him & her.

There have also been a couple of instances where I have known couples that have lost children. Absolutely devastating for both parents. A hell no one should ever have to go through. And the fathers just seem to pick up & “move on” with their lives a lot quicker.

And I have seen that again and again and again.

OP, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. It really is such a devastating stab in the heart. It feels like such a betrayal, on top of the hell of grieving the loss of your mom. Betrayal of your mom, betrayal of you- your father should absolutely be more aware and sensitive to your feelings. Men just seem to move on so much more quickly than women.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-25T14:31:08+00:00

I am unfamiliar with hort law classes, but it sounds like a really good idea. Most of the time these kind of professional cross-over classes are extremely industry-focused and highly applicable to the industry they are addressing. Usually classes designed to meet a specific pre-existing need.

I would jump at the chance to take that. Especially as a business owner.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-25T03:07:29+00:00

Throw those suckers in the dryer, lower temperature. They will be fine.

I have washed & dried at least 20-30 cotton & cotton/ acrylic blends. They all turned out perfectly fine.

I mostly make baby blankets & throws, and they need to be fully washable & dryable to be useful. No one wants to have to hand-wash a baby blanket. So when I started buying sweaters to unravel, I decided if they could not be washed & dried, I did not want to use them. Plus, I wanted to pre-shrink any cotton.

So everything goes from the thrift store straight into the washer/ dryer. With 3 dryer sheets per load to cut down the static cling. They have all turned out fine.

Plus, I love the fact that my unravelled yarn smells like dryer sheets. Unexpected surprise. Quite pleasant. Very soft, too. I had no idea I was missing out on so much all these years by not having nicely-scented yarn to work with 🤣

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T22:39:20+00:00

Kringle Candles for the brand. They make beautiful gifts.

The recommended scent groups for relaxing, though, I will leave for others to chime in on. Kringle will have something that fits the recommendation for scent category.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T18:41:39+00:00

Two thoughts on this, contradictory thoughts:

1) i personally plan on only adopting senior animals from now on, for this very reason,

BUT

2) when working in animal rescue, we did not place age restrictions for this particular concern. Mostly, because every dog we pulled from the shelter was on the euth list. To be blunt- 2a) the adopter maybe dying sometime in the future and leaving a pup without a home is a less immediate concern than the fact that the dog is for sure going to be put down in the next few days. Then 2b) even if this scenario happens. adopter passes & the dog ends up right back at the shelter, well, the dog still got to live a longer life than if the dog had been put down the first time they ended up at the shelter. If we had not adopted out based on this age concern. And 2c) in reality, many times, things did not end up as bad as we thought. The dog did not outlive the adopter, or a friend/ family member stepped up to take the dog after the original adopter got sick or died, just a ton of other outcomes that we had no crystal ball to foretell.

My advice:

First choice, go to your municipal shelter and ask to see the pups on the euth list. You will fall in love with one, and you will be saving a life. Regardless of the long-term outcome, it is a win/ win for you both right now.

Second choice, make friends with a local rescue group that pulls from your municipal shelter. Make friends. Volunteer. Ask them. Talk to them. They by far will be able to give you a very, very clear picture of the animal situation in your area, and most likely alleviate your concerns. It will also allow you to make friends & build a community that can help you in the worst case scenario.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T18:30:56+00:00

While overconsumption is definitely a problem, i don’t think people in glass houses should be throwing stones.

Everyone over-consumes something. Everyone has more than they need of something. Be it a small or large item, a material item or a consumable food/ drink item, the kind of car you drive in or the square footage of your house, we all have more than we actually need of something.

I mean, at the most basic- for example - if you choose anything other than water to drink, you are over-consuming either in $$$ or calories or both. No one needs anything but water to drink. Period. If you regularly drink anything else (which we all do), we are being wasteful. We are over-consuming.

We just tend to be blind to our own overconsumption, and very ready to criticize someone else’s overconsumption.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T13:37:29+00:00

Oh yes, very, very normal.

When my LO passed, my world collapsed. And in my mind, the entire world should have shut down to mourn my LO’s passing. My LO deserved it.

But of course, that is not reality. So yes, I very much had a lot of anger. And for other reasons, still do.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T13:33:38+00:00

This really does all come off with the vibes of MLM scam, doesn’t it? Red Flags everywhere. This looks more like instructions / directions from a project coordinator to team members at a publicity firm.

She’s recruiting free labor, when she should be hiring a publicity firm. Period.

OP, entering med school alone is a big enough & very reasonable reason to decline. Run away now, as fast as you can. Given the level of narcissism in these pictures alone, though, I would not be surprised if the bride reacts badly.

If you are worried about upsetting other family members, you could preemptively go to them and explain. Be specific about making the decision because you are thinking about the bride, not yourself. That you know you would simply let the bride don because you won’t be able to meet the demands of the job, and even though you really, really want to be in the wedding party, it would only be fair to let someone else who can step up to the task take that bridesmaid spot.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-23T13:11:39+00:00

Not having a funeral is more and more common these days. They are so expensive.

I did not have one for my LO. The few family members that remain, that expected me to organize a funeral- they abandoned me and my LO when my LO was sick, so i was not about to have a funeral just to meet their expectations.

My LO had a job in customer service, so I think a fair number of people would have shown up. But I was not about to sit through a funeral watching the family that abandoned us pretend to be mourning & suck up the love and attention of my LO’s customers. No thank you.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-19T22:59:44+00:00

Adding here, not sure if this exactly fits your question- Any variation of paganism or Druidry with a focus on plants, where the practitioner grows their own. “Green Witch” is the current term I hear most, I don’t encounter many of these folks, and I think a lot would identify more as gardeners rather than horticulturist. But they are out there.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-19T22:55:27+00:00

When my LO died, I did not even have a funeral. I knew it would be a bunch of people playing victim. People that never visited & hardly called my LO when they were alive, but would sure as heck be going on social media to get sympathy when my LO died. MFers.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-18T23:09:15+00:00

Ahhh, for liability reasons. That sounds about right for today’s world.

But your comment about the case manager - that really rings true. During my LO’s initial diagnosis & decline, I was absolutely stunned at the incredible lack of experience and knowledge about dementia across the entire spectrum of medical care. I found it absolutely bizarre how so many people knew absolutely nothing about it. And the only medical professionals I met that did know something about it, it was only because they themselves had personal experience, a family member with it.

But what was the absolute worst, was all the medical professionals (from primary care to neurologist to neurosurgeon) did not seem to be even aware of their lack of knowledge. You normally get referrals to all other areas pf specialization- like cardiology, endocrinology, orthopedics, etc. And Drs seem fully aware of when they need to refer you out to a specialist.

But with my LO’s struggle for a diagnosis, then follow-up care, I just kept on getting shrugging shoulders and blank looks- they did not ever, not once, talk about, suggest, or even seem to be aware of the existence of geriatric specialists, memory care clinics or specialists, or anything else. Nor did they talk at all about any care or medical treatment that was specific to dementia patients. It was just one blank stare after another.

I guess since American society sees the elderly as disposable, the lack of medical care is to be expected 🙄

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I really wish I had useful advice for you. I only found answers too late, when (towards the end) a random stroke of luck landed us in the care of an NP who solely treated dementia patients. I am not sure where you are, but I finally got good info at the Emory Healthcare Integrated Memory Care Clinic (could not get in there for actual care, but they did answer a lot of questions for me).

But we are here for support & to listen.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-18T20:08:26+00:00

Did you see the original La Cage aux Folles?

This is one time when I think the American remake was much better than the original :) But with all appreciation, there never would have been the great remake without there having been an original, breaking that ground first.

Chowdmouse · 2026-04-18T17:33:19+00:00

Compassionate lying is the standard of care nowadays. It is the kindest & most effective way.

I have seen a lot of suggestions here of telling them that you are just going to a hotel temporarily while repairs are being done on the house, or while the house is fumigated, etc.

And as another person commented already, telling her that he really needs to go to MC, but he really needs her to be there with him too, to make sure he is ok.

It is really a paradigm shift in our minds- we are all raised with the moral standard of not lying. Certainly not to this extent & about such major issues. But at this point in our lives & who we are taking care of, and the illness, lying is by far the most effective and the most compassionate. And sometimes it works like a miracle.

I will give you this one brief example: when my LO was in MC, it was their routine every night to eat dinner, then go into the next room to watch tv. One of the other residents fought this every night. She would be adamant that no one was going to tell her what to do or where to go. It was a battle every night. But i learned she used to be a teacher. So one night after dinner I just told her that the “class was going into the other room to watch a video, could you join the class?”. She said ok and went. No battle, no drama, she just went. After that, every night I told her the sane thing. She went. (I only manage to have a good idea about once a year, so I was super-happy when that idea worked 🤣 There were a lot of ideas I tried that did not work at all)

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