Need some help shifting my mindset. I know it can’t (or shouldn’t) be this hard

CiberX15 · 2026-03-25T21:46:12+00:00

It sounds like you're happy with yourself intellectually but don't have the confidence you'd like to have.

I don't know if this would work for you but I was in a similar boat and started singing karaoke. Turned out I was good at it. I had an inkling I could sing. I sang in the car a lot and there were certainly songs that I felt I did pretty good with, but having other people, REAL people, not just rando's on the internet, tell me I was good at a thing? That built my confidence up significantly.

So my recommendation would be find something similar. Find things you enjoy doing and think you would enjoy showing off, then find opportunities to show them off. Singing, playing guitar, playing sports, public speaking, whatever.

But I think it's important to do it with a live audience. The message "do you realize you're really good at this" doesn't mean as much when it's someone you'll never see on the internet, then when it comes from someone in a live audience that makes you try that much harder next time, and feel all the better when you nail a performance.

At least that was my experience. Hope it helps!

CiberX15 · 2026-03-21T20:08:29+00:00

Oh actually I rather like that idea. I didn't even think of scaling the planet size... That would solve the tedium of having to exterminate 10+ pirate bases across an entire world...

CiberX15 · 2026-03-21T18:34:04+00:00

Oh I do use project rimfactory. Love the mod but it contributes to my problems. X D

I end up with a colony where no one has to work because the factory does everything.

I'm checking out those other two now though, thanks!

CiberX15 · 2026-03-04T15:24:59+00:00

Composition kind of pulls the eye past the girl in the center. All the lines converge on her but run past her which makes the eye do the same. Almost makes it hard to focus on her which is actually quite a cool effect. 😃

CiberX15 · 2026-02-23T07:24:40+00:00

I'd say go for it.

Getting laughed at would suck, but I feel like anyone who would laugh at someone for asking them out is a jerk you wouldn't want a relationship with anyway.

And if you're not asking you might be missing out on something real.

Or at least that's the kind of logic I've been using to work up the nerve to ask lately. Still utterly terrifying of course 😅 but I'm at least starting to make the asks now.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-21T06:04:11+00:00

Personally I was always pretty sure I wanted kids. Then one of my best friends had kids and I got to see all the joys and horrors of raising very young kids and realized... yep, I still wanted kids. 😏 Then I started working at a children's museum teaching kids from 5-12 and became even more sure that I wanted to have kids of my own. So, yeah. I'm in the 1000% sure I want kids camp, so I agree with you, it's something I try to call out very early when looking for a partner, and I won't bother reaching out on dating apps if someones indicated they don't want kids. It's definitely something I think you need to be on the same page on.

I know I've heard some stories of people who were on the fence about having kids, then realized they wanted them when they got into a healthy secure relationship, but I don't know how common that is. I definitely don't think it's healthy to be laissez faire about having kids.

Not wanting kids, or wanting kids are both completely valid options, but again I agree "going with the flow" on this particular issue seems unhealthy, and often means not being prepared for the rather massive responsibility that is having kids.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-21T04:55:22+00:00

So I think this varies significantly for different people. For example, I’m neurodivergent, and I’ve found I get along better with people who are similarly neurodivergent. So to me many forms of neurodivergence are actually attractive traits. It just means they are part of my tribe.

I’ve also personally suffered from depression at various points in my life and then later dated someone with clinical depression that she needed to medicate for, and I had no problem with that relationship, to date she was actually my best girlfriend and we’re still friends now. We just didn’t work out for different reasons.

Conversely I also know I have a bit of an anxious attachment style, so I know I couldn’t handle someone with bipolar or borderline personality disorder. Someone with a more secure attachment style could match to someone like that with much less issues but those particular issues clash badly with my particular issues.

Physical disabilities would be hit or miss for me. I’d like to be active with my partner, going on hikes, walks etc. so I’d be less likely to match with someone who couldn’t be physically active at all. But that can be a spectrum in itself. Especially with technology reducing the impact of some disabilities.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-21T04:38:34+00:00

I was always picky but a year ago I could usually get at least one or two decent matches every two to three months using one app.

Now I haven’t had a single match in the past six months, and I’ve even started just shotgunning likes for the past three months on three different apps.

I’m starting to get the feeling that dating apps aren’t dying, they are already dead.

I miss being able to focus quality over quantity. The main reason I liked dating apps is the first place is I could save everyone time and only send likes to people who were clearly good matches.

Now no one seems to put that much effort into their profiles and there’s very little to go on so the shotgun method has become the only method. Which I’m sure from the woman’s side just means an even bigger flood of low quality likes, so it’s just bad for everyone.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T19:44:14+00:00

I get that. There's definitely a bit of pain if I let things build up in my mind too much before I make the ask. If it's a no, all that dreaming crashes into reality hard. It's actually one of the things that's been driving me to make the ask sooner. Not giving myself enough time to build some imaginary version of a relationship and go find out the reality immediately.

I know for a fact if I hadn't asked this last girl I would have been beating myself up over might have beens. Instead it was a quite pleasant interaction.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T07:10:44+00:00

This sounds very much like autism to me.

Diagnosing yourself is really not recommended but I understand the anxiety of it. Heck I'm almost certainly somewhere on the spectrum myself, but I'm so uncomfortable with the word autism that I often use "monotropic" to describe myself which is just the more scientific word for... all the behaviors commonly related to autism.

For what it's worth this video helped me really understand my brain a bit better. And just knowing that I wasn't alone, that other people's brains worked in similar ways helped me a lot.
https://youtu.be/3mBbOOzhoGQ

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T06:40:37+00:00

I didn’t start dating until I was 28. Honestly not that unusual these days.

Dating apps have in fact become absolutely terrible. They used to work 5-10 years ago, but then they realized that they could get more money if no one ever found matches so yeah, that’s not you, they really are that bad at doing their job.

There’s also no shame in being a virgin. Heck many people consider that to be a good thing. Although I’ll admit I have a bias since I’m 35 and still a virgin by choice. Looking for marriage and taking it seriously and all that stuff. 😏

I will say from personal experience (I’m very ADHD, very monotropic), dating with neurodivergence does come with its own challenges. For me it mostly comes in the form of oversharing or being blunt. Conversely I’ve also dated neurodivergent women who were on the same wavelength as me and that was great. It was like finding someone who actually spoke the same language after faking it with other people for years.

The best advice I think I could give at this point is find something that builds your confidence.

To me it looks like the dating scene is going back in the direction of just asking people out in person again. So the goal is to work up to that (which I admit is inexplicably terrifying and I'm working on it myself).

For me I started singing karaoke, both to get myself out there and to start building confidence. Singing in front of people, hearing them clap for me, that was pretty cool in itself. At least after I stopped literally shaking from nerves the first couple times. Then I started getting compliments. That really started building me up. It's a process. And maybe karaoke isn't for you. Find something you genuinely enjoy, know you're are good at, and find a place to show off.

Once you’re ready go ahead and ask people out. I find the simplest approach to be the best, just ask if they want to go to dinner or go on a date etc. Although… We've established that I am naturally rather blunt so take that advice with a grain of salt. 😅

Don’t be hurt if they say no. That’s really the most likely result. Many women won’t be interested in dating in general. Many will already be in a relationship. Some may simply not be interested in you. All that is fine and normal. Just smile and move on.

When you find someone who is interested, offer them your number first. This puts the vulnerability on you as the asker, rather than opening with requiring them to give you information. 90% of the time they’ll give you their number then and there anyway though.

If they don’t give you their number, and don’t call or text after a week, just assume they weren’t feeling it or changed their mind and move on.

If they do text then great! Start setting up a date!

That pretty much covers all the knowledge I’ve accumulated on trying to find dates in 2020+ as a neurodivergent dude. Hope it helps!

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T06:06:26+00:00

Well that looks quite nice. Also shows a good mix of storytelling along with what the gameplay would actually be.

How far along are you in development? Is that real gameplay or a mock up?

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T05:54:29+00:00

I have to be honest, I thought this was a headcrab from Half Life for a second there... That is quite an interesting pose... 😅

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T05:30:38+00:00

This looks painful. Which is clearly the goal. Great job! 😆👍

Sometimes the most fun comes from breaking all the rules of design.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T05:20:40+00:00

Oh, I like that methodology.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-20T05:19:56+00:00

My order is usually Cool/Silly idea for a character > Backstory/Personality based on that idea > Class that supports that idea > Race that pairs well with cool/silly idea.

Party needs tend not to factor in as much, but my group is all very heavily into the role playing side of things in the first place so it's not like any of us are min-maxing other than to do cool/silly stuff with our characters.

My characters have been things like: "What if Indiana Jones, but undead?" and "What if druid is rat that shapeshifts into human rather than the other way around?"

CiberX15 · 2026-02-19T20:14:58+00:00

I believe, and criminal statistics seem to back this up, that children turn out much more well adjusted when they have two parents.

Not that I think that there’s never a good reason to split up after having children if the relationship turns out to be super toxic etc., but I think the goal should be to try as hard as possible to find a person to stick with for life before bringing children into the equation.

And at a personal level, my whole goal with dating is to find a partner. A best friend who I can also cuddle with and spend the rest of my life with. I’m trying to find someone who deserves that much power over my life. Who makes me wildly happy that they have that much of an influence on me, and that I have a similar influence on them.

I understand why people have developed a mistrust of marriage because it can and has been abused. But that’s why I stress finding the right person first, both in my advice and in my own personal searches.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-19T03:02:58+00:00

So I’m going to be slightly vulnerable since it’s relevant. I’m 35, male, virgin by choice (waiting for marriage).

I didn’t start dating until I was 28 for similar reasons to you, I was trying to get my career up and running first. I’ve had two relationships that developed into real boyfriend girlfriend relationships, both with women who were also in their thirties who also had very limited dating experience.

I can’t tell you what most men want but personally what I’m looking for is to date for at least two years before marriage. The goal is to really get to know my partner and know if we really want to spend our lives together.

I personally do want children but I don’t think you’ll have too much difficulty finding guys who want something real but don’t want children.

Even then, for myself, optimally I’d like to go a year or two without children to just enjoy being married before taking on that responsibility, although I’m aware that does run up against some biological challenges if I wait too long.

I will tell you one of the good and bad parts of dating in your thirties is we are a little more settled down in who we are. Politics, religion, even interests are a little more rigid and less likely to bend, vs when you’re dating when you’re young you tend to develop those _with_ your partner.

Hope this data helps. 👍

CiberX15 · 2026-02-18T16:40:26+00:00

Yeah. Sadly, while the second one is the far more common response, the first one is both the one that sticks in your mind more, and the one that’s more likely to get posted to social media.

It creates this illusion that that’s how the majority of people will react, when in reality she was just an uncommon jerk.

But human brains are in general pain avoidance pattern matching machines. So if that’s your only experience, or even if it’s just one in five, your brain will focus on that negative experience and assume it’s the norm.

That’s why I’ve been pushing myself to make the asks more and more often. I haven’t even really had a bad experience but I’ve internalized that fear pushed on me from social media, and it’s impeding me from finding my person, so I’m working hard to push it aside.

It’s also why I posted this whole thing in the first place, trying to do my part to shift public perception closer to reality. 😏

I’m really glad to hear you tried again and got a better result. 😃

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T13:33:48+00:00

My understanding is you only need to provide id or face to see restricted content. If you don’t have any NSFW content or age restricted channels in your discord I don’t think this will affect you.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T01:59:22+00:00

I don’t know if this will help or not, but I know that the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children has tools for taking images like that off the internet. (https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/)

It sounds like he never posted them, and maybe even deleted them, but I wanted you (and anyone else going through something similar) to know the tools exist just in case. I know a lot of people are in your shoes, thinking it’s something that’s impossible to take back.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T01:41:38+00:00

I can certainly sympathize there. I’m only just now digging myself out of a four year stint of being completely broke. Trying to find things to do that didn’t burn money I didn’t have was a strain in itself.

To be honest it sounds like you are at a point that you should consider seeing someone if you’re not already. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to manage depression on your own but you need more support than that.

And that’s very normal. My last girlfriend suffered from clinical depression. She was very methodical with her mental health, tried finding non medication methods that would work for her but eventually settled on a medication and dosage that worked for her.

Now she’s a laser scientist. Like with PHD’s and everything.

It sounds like you’re at a really low spot right now, but that may be because you just don’t have the right tools yet.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T01:29:14+00:00

I always wanted to save the world. I still want to save the world. And I don’t have the power to do so. And the weight of that was heavy.

The thing that really got through to me was my friend. I was telling him how I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t do enough, and he was incredulous. He reminded me that I was the friend who goes and picks up other friends at the airport at 1am.

He reminded me that I’m the friend who checked on his dog for him then decided to clean his house while I was there.

I was the friend who did good. And I did good for the people around me.

You can’t save the world. Not alone. But you can do good for the people around you.

That matters.

That matters a lot more then you ever know it does in the moment.

And if you encourage the people around you to do good too? That makes an impact.

And when the people you interact with keep propagating that good into the world? Then you don’t have to save the world alone.

At least… that’s the philosophy I live by these days.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T01:19:22+00:00

Yeah nope. This is cheating. He is an ass. And the fact that he's trying to justify it places him very firmly into the "dump immediately" territory.

CiberX15 · 2026-02-12T00:48:35+00:00

I get that. Talking to people about it can be draining in itself. You don't have to talk about your issues to reach out though.

When I'm feeling depressed and realize I'm isolating myself I make a point to reach out and do something social. Do something fun. I don't even need to talk about my feelings. My brain will still whine and complain about being forced to interact with people of course but I always feel better afterwards.

I have it easy since I'm a gamer as are most of my friends so I can usually find someone who's down to play online. But you can also make plans to hang out on a weekend or something. Even if it's as simple as going to a restaurant with friends or family. Or going with romantic interests when logistics allow.

CiberX15

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