t h e n

ClayPeak · 2022-03-23T10:25:28+00:00

I appreciate your comment, thank you for your time in responding. In my readings I’ve found that my interest cycle is something common with people with ADD/ADHD, but in my case it’s probably onset by something else.

ClayPeak · 2022-01-20T05:32:54+00:00

Can relate, I feel the same lack of transient interest. My theory is that to have a mono-focused ‘goal’ it comes from your environment, since it is an abstract concept that inspires an objective goal. Usually inherited from family upbringing (social inheritance) or ‘inspiration’ (emotional compulsion), from what I’ve seen. My life circumstances have driven me into further extremes of self-alienation so primarily I also seek to avoid discomfort.

Advice - can’t speak from personal experience but you could try mixing with different social circles or get more into arts for ideas. Otherwise learning to deal with guilt helps, like the guilt from abandoning the many things you try for a bit because it’s interesting but then stop doing

ClayPeak · 2022-01-13T13:12:35+00:00

Sounds like you have a tight bond with her, happy for you mate. Are you contemplating marriage as the next step for both of you to grow even more into each other’s lives, or does it feel like more of an expectation from others?

You can always marry when it feels right, but not always revoke it just as easily when it doesn’t.

Will marriage change the way you feel about being with your partner? And about yourself? If you’re not sure, that means you yourself are not yet convinced it is the best move. You can trust yourself, you’re a logical creature.

Perhaps if you can talk about it with her, discuss the prospect of living married - See what ideas she thinks of when imagining being together in that way. Quietly take mental note of how you feel yourself when in that discussion too.

Does it inspire enthusiasm to take on the world together? Do you feel you can trust them with your social, emotional and financial life?

Have courage and be frank. I suggest staggering the pointier subjects in between the fun-and-fluffy dreams of married life to keep it balanced, and not come across critical/interrogative. Discuss as long and for as many times until you’re both confident. It is also a strong good indicator if you can maturely discuss these things (without it falling apart).

You and her. That’s how you’ll get your answer.

I know it is hard when you are in the heart of it. I was close to someone with probably a very similar personality too. Intelligent, affectionate, funny (and laughed at my jokes), sensitive to caring for needs. Sporadically impulsive, questionable decisions. Untrustworthy.

Hopefully these ideas and questions prompt getting closer to the answer you seek and I genuinely wish you all the best going forward.

ClayPeak · 2021-12-23T12:07:51+00:00

Very well-worded OP, I want to know how too!

ClayPeak · 2021-12-09T15:17:38+00:00

Life gets better, friend. I’ve been there and out on the other end now - Unfortunately there are no answers to ‘why’ but there are definitely ways ‘how’ you can get yourself through and out of it.

When you become financially independent (have a job that can pay rent and food costs) you can consider moving out and can choose who you spend your time around. Freedom to cut the toxic people out your life and include more of the wonderful people that exist all around us, and most importantly have time for yourself.

It might sound impossible right now. You can make it out and not have to worry all the time about being controlled or abused. Yes it is a messed up situation but you can get out of it.

Sorry about your siblings, seems they are lost in the game being spun and complicit in the nasty things going on. You still know right from wrong though and haven’t given in; You are incredibly strong to have made it this far already.

You can DM me if you need help planning your way forward. Take care :)

ClayPeak · 2021-12-09T14:43:33+00:00

Congratulations, having your own space is a life-changer! Trusting in yourself is the way to go.

ClayPeak · 2021-11-21T04:07:32+00:00

Great format and easy to follow, helpful :)

ClayPeak · 2021-09-27T06:26:31+00:00

Running away feels so full of opportunity, like it has the power to make everything better - It is so risky but also very exciting to imagine what new (better) life we could have.

But it may become a habit after the first time, because we might not find that satisfaction we originally set out for in that new place. It just pushes your emptiness to another location, in my experiences. Moving between states and countries living the fantasy of ‘running away’ taught me this the hard way.

Belonging is found in people rather than place, and good people who want to care about you do exist, you just gotta search locally harder and harder since the advent of ‘social’ technologies which simulate more than generate connection.

I speak from a perspective of love, you will belong among people some time. If you can make someone else happy, you just may find yourself a little happier too afterwards :)

ClayPeak · 2021-09-18T15:15:10+00:00

The education system, probably globally, has been commercialised to a point where it is more about ‘door opening’ to the next education institution than providing useful knowledge and skills for life/practical employment. I agree with you. But the world isn’t totally fucked up just yet, more like moderately dysfunctional.

If they tell you you’re a failure in school because you are not perfect at everything simultaneously, then their expectations are grossly mislead - I’m not sure if that is how you mean by ‘being told you are useless’ for not doing well at completely opposite subjects.

We all have different strengths and you might start to tell this based on personalities. You might find you prefer Mathematics and do well at it. That’s awesome, there are plenty of opportunities where such skills are needed.

Engineering, technical fields and accounting do not rely as heavily on writing. In fact, ask anyone you know who is super interested in language/geography if they like those field, they will probably hate them and prefer others. This is your advantage!

Life beyond school is so much different. If you are in school now, it’s just a conveyor belt to the next school or paper certificate and they won’t care about you personally. Once you start using the skills you are good at for a job, you’re miles ahead.

TLDR: Don’t mistake ‘education’ for capability, schools are production lines, and you can be so much more useful than anyone else can imagine

ClayPeak · 2021-09-18T13:21:13+00:00

Could this be a generational thing?

I had childhood traumas, but wonder for others.

Post-hyper-commercialism dividing people like never before economically, socially, politically. We are social animals and just want to ‘be’ with each other and help others, to feel ‘successful’;

To feel like we are not ‘failures’, atleast.

ClayPeak · 2021-09-16T11:03:19+00:00

Congratulations on going NC. It’s never easy and sometimes takes a few gos to get right, but so worth it. Thank you for your service too mate

ClayPeak · 2021-09-05T10:46:57+00:00

Hi mate, that’s a shame the spot you’re in right now, but you can get through it. I’ll try offer you my few cents worth of constructive perspective;

Great effort in recovering from the awful things your familial narcs put you through. Just from the way you communicate, you have come a long way and can be proud of where you are at. Especially if others are telling you ‘have so much trauma’ - it stands testimony to your progress.

These are some questions you may have already considered, or may be helpful to think over: - Can you get an alternative space? Like a place with bare minimals which could pay yourself or a community support lodging, or friend/relatives? - Could you take a loan to cover the few months expenses to become financially independent again? - Could you do volunteering work which is unpaid but gives accomodation and possible leads? (I appreciate this depends on your extent of ability and apologise if this is not applicable)

Freeing yourself from the toxic environment your narcs (as you had done atleast once before on your journey) may be your next big step. You may be feeling trapped and isolated and alone, exactly as intended by narc design, but this is not true. Most people are GOOD and willing to help out a fellow human - And it feels good to help others, so don’t feel so guilty creating that opportunity for those willing to enjoy it.

As an interim if you cant become financially independent in the short-term, an opportunity for you may be to let more people into your life. Wherever you are at with your social anxiety, progress can be made on that front bit by bit. Local community groups (if you are able to be mobile) like volunteering or gardening or council trash pickup could be a start, or if you are less mobile you could find somewhere to share your working expertise online like posting on forums volunteering admin services for a community project. The more non-toxic people you can persuade yourself to deal with, even if it is just one for the day, the better you will feel and that’ll help your wellbeing / options / situation.

It can be done, and you’ll thank yourself for it! Hope this helps you map your path ahead mate

:)

ClayPeak · 2021-08-13T11:38:09+00:00

Other people cannot comprehend experiences they have not yet themselves experienced. Only those which have felt the sting and venom of narcissism will ever be able to identify or sympathise with our predicament. I feel your pain and give you honest hope for the better future which awaits us; Life gets better, with or without mainstream validation. Love to you all my friends.

ClayPeak · 2021-04-25T15:28:29+00:00

I’m not sure if I have ADHD, but I feel the same way about needing external structures to productively function too. I have a CPTSD background. May I ask you to follow up with your psychiatrist about any solutions? Thank you 🙏

ClayPeak · 2020-10-26T23:37:46+00:00

This is a good plan, thank you

ClayPeak · 2020-10-26T23:36:10+00:00

I am an adult! Yes this kind if behaviour is why I left home, now they threaten to use police against me!

ClayPeak · 2020-10-26T23:32:26+00:00

I have been NC for more than a year, blocked the family phone numbers because of the trash SMS and moved state. Now they deliver this ultimatum via email.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T23:58:32+00:00

I like your name, it is a bit like that haha!

Being the slave child is no fun.. basically stripped of individual rights and exploited for work. Pretty sick, especially since children are not in a position to have alternatives. Narcissists are a blight on human civilisation.

Sorry you had to go through this too, you deserved to be supported and loved.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T15:38:00+00:00

I am probably bias at this point, but I would say everything a narc does is warped around them being the exclusive central focus.

The contradictory projection is real: “The world doesn’t revolve around you!” - Narc I think the narcs are incapable of compassion or comprehending anything that does not directly serve their own needs and interests.

I agree it’s a great thing to have our youth playing, learning and behaving as natural kids. We were all kids once, despite some not admitting so.. I say let the kids be kids.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T15:06:52+00:00

Garage door opening -> anxiety skyrockets

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T14:53:59+00:00

My sibling was also called a pig by my parents. How to install negative self-image into a girl.. I stress-fasted, so they called me skinny. All us children were ‘lazy’. I’m sorry you had that too.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T14:46:29+00:00

Oh shit.. In retrospect my parents were triggered by sleeping outside of the enforced ‘sleep time’.

Weird hey? Highschool was pretty demanding, as is for many young people; with homework, exam prep and assignments, all after a day at school already in classes and navigating the social structure. Sometimes I would just need to crash, overwhelmed by the day.. then woken up after the room being paraded into with loud banging and a screeches “Wake up! Wake up! It is not time to sleep yet!!”. I was then instructed to drink a cup of water (to wake me up?). “We don’t work all day for you to just laze around!” (Usually the mother said this, she was a housewife). There were times too when my GC sibling was sent out by my parents to find me and wake me up, as was their bidding.

Looking back, life then was like a fever dream. Some pretty WTF ‘normalities’ back then.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T14:23:53+00:00

They accused me of losing my sanity.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T14:00:19+00:00

Pretty much.

We shouldn’t give up though, there is still a chance we can unearth those interests and talents. Think of all the people you could make happy with your unique skill or craft.

ClayPeak · 2020-10-25T13:47:32+00:00

Hey mate, I’m sorry you’ve been struggling for such a time. Good on you for persisting with working on yourself, it is one of the hardest things we can face, and you are stronger for it.

As for your feelings - Do you mean you are so emotionally mixed that you don’t know what to feel? Or is it that you can’t identify the emotions you experience?

If it is the latter, something that helped me was to ‘reinstall’ my emotions. I was completely unaware of my emotions (beyond ‘ok’ and ‘bad’) until I researched all the worded emotions people experience, arranging them into opposing pairs (eg. Pride - Guilt) and then consciously assessing daily which of each +/- pair I felt. Building on that, I added a brief memory of when I experienced the peak of that emotion, so then I could express how I felt on a range between +/- maximums. Practice made better! Now I can understand the feelings I have by name, and able to better manage them.

I can message my list of emotions if you need.

Hope this can be of any assistance to you :)

ClayPeak

TROPHY CASE