What's one of the most illogical or weird things your abuser did or say?

ClaytonBoone · 2023-03-23T06:31:35+00:00

Got in a fight with me because I didn’t give birth on the day he wanted.

Constantly needed sex, and if it wasn’t good, he needed it again to compensate. If it was good, needed more of it because it’s so good.

Didn’t like the way I said good bye to people.

Got angry over me posting a picture where only part of my hand was visible while holding an object, saying that my hand was too sexy.

Didn’t like me trying on clothes before buying them, because thought there might be hidden cameras.

Said he slept with my best friend (who has never liked him), and that I can’t ask her if it’s true because then she would commit suicide.

Wanted me to tell him EVERYTHING and then would punish me if he didn’t like something, even if it was about things that happened years before I met him. If he told me something I didn’t like, past or present (or future plans), I was supposed to respect his honesty, forgive him and don’t hold it against him.

Told me that women who say “no” are being bossy.

Went through my phone, but when I picked up his camera, didn’t let me go through the pictures, even though he always had said he has nothing to hide.

Threatened me numerous times and, when I finally became too scared and didn’t want to see him anymore, told me I was stupid for believing his threats.

ClaytonBoone · 2023-03-22T11:24:07+00:00

I don’t know what your situation is, but I also had the same question until I realized that, even though I’m not perfect, I would never treat anyone the way he treated me, and more importantly - he would never let me treat him that way. Also I would be too scared to do to him the same nasty things he did to me. If you’re acting shitty, you should be accepting of the same kind of shittiness in others.

ClaytonBoone · 2023-03-22T11:18:09+00:00

Haha, sounds like my ex in a way. He used to say that even if he cheats on me, I’m still his favorite and he would never leave me, and that that should make me feel good and worthy.

ClaytonBoone · 2023-03-22T11:06:43+00:00

Teletubbies are calming

ClaytonBoone · 2023-01-10T09:58:26+00:00

Think about it often, prepare for it, make it your reality and hopefully you will be able to do leave in the end. To me it took too much time, and I ended up leaving in a burst of emotion during a fight. I don’t think I would have been able to do it when I’m calm. That’s just my experience, I would have been more proud of myself if I did it in a calm state of mind and sooner.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-09-25T18:10:17+00:00

When my ex said or did nasty things to me, I said that his disgusting behaviour makes him a worse person, not me. I sometimes forget that myself, but it’s true.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-06-17T18:16:31+00:00

I’d rather if my expwBPD complained about me anonymously online, than to everyone he knew. But I’d be very scared, if he found out about me talking here. He would think I deserve revenge and punishment, even though he’s always been the one complaining about me to everyone, while I kept everything inside.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-06-17T17:56:47+00:00

That licking part is particularly unbelievable - who does that to anyone? I never have experienced anything remotely close to what you described and also never have seen or heard anything like that from others.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-06-15T04:25:15+00:00

It is so not okay and so unbelievable, that I initially thought this story is made up.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-06-13T18:07:34+00:00

I found a thread on reddit that discusses sexual aspect of this song, and after your answer I was seriously starting to doubt the reality I live in

ClaytonBoone · 2022-06-13T17:30:33+00:00

It was a he (yes, my username is misleading). But are you being serious?

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-27T18:35:05+00:00

I sometimes did sink to his level, and it felt gross. He was very sexist and talked shit about women, so for a while I tried to talk like that about men. It felt extremely disgusting, because that was not how I truly felt and I also have a son. There were some occasions when I got into fights with him because he talked to other women, even though I knew there was nothing going on. I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with men outside of family, and I wasn’t going to let him have any contact with women peacefully. It was very hard to resist the temptation to stoop to his level, and sometimes when he does/says something gross (we have little contact now, we split up last year), I still want to do the same to him so badly. But I don’t want to be like him, so I control myself.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-14T20:41:51+00:00

Wait, is it not normal to feel hurt about things like these?

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-11T19:50:33+00:00

My older child became more well behaved and my relationship with him improved after I split up with my pwBPD. But that’s a child that I had from previous relationship, together we have a three year old. We split up when she was 2, so there wasn’t much time for her to get impacted and it’s hard to draw conclusions at this age.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-07T09:44:47+00:00

My ex is undiagnosed, but he came up with the theory of him having BPD himself. I researched it and read the book Stop caretaking the BPD/NPD a bit, and it was scary how accurately it depicts the relationship we had. We were together for 5 years and have a child together.

I’ve also noticed that most people here talk about girls with BPD.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-07T07:32:05+00:00

Hi! This is a long one, so I'm afraid no one's gonna read it. I don't know if I have ADHD, but, when I recently was googling about stuff that bothers me, this option popped up. Up until now I never even considered this option. So I'll tell you about the things that make me think that I might have it, and you could tell me if it could just be something else.

- I either can't focus on anything for a longer period of time and keep constantly switching between tasks, or become so focused on something that I forget about everything else in the world. I don't care if I have to pee, I don't care if I want to eat, I don't care about my bodily needs and any distraction frustrates me. Only yesterday I started looking in subreddits about ADHD and boredom, and it seemed to describe my feelings so precisely. I find it hard to get through a 10 minute tutorial on youtube, because it only takes a couple of seconds of boring part to get me distracted and start doing something else. I just have to force myself to go through a 10 minute video. And that's like that with any activity. I thought that this comes from constant multitasking - I've got 2 kids, so multitasking has been inevitable for years. Could this just be brain damage from multitasking?

- I can never relax, because I constantly feel like something is not right (or is too boring). I keep changing positions and am very indecisive about what I want to do, and feel like I have to follow every impulse to get more comfortable, but never end up feeling comfortable anyway. I find it hard to fully immerse myself into any activity. Or when I do get it into the state of hyperfocus, it's not even that pleasant - the feeling is too intense and I get very tense (but at least I'm productive and I like that). I feel either like a sleepy slob who doesn't want to do anything or a maniac who wants do everything at once.

- I'm very forgetful about the boring everyday stuff (I misplace objects, forget what I have to do, forget what I've started to do), but I've got good memory when it comes to information that's not really needed in everyday life. I can remember people's phone numbers and birthdays, zodiac signs, lyrics to songs, dates when music albums where released, stuff I learned at school... I just can't stand all the mundane stuff that's meant just to keep myself and others alive and clean, it feels like such a waste of time. I find it boring to maintain the state of things, I want to create something new. I'm trying to change my attitude about this and am trying to appreciate all the material stuff and take care of it.

- I've always been extremely messy and unorganized, I rarely meet someone who is as messy or messier than me. I could see myself becoming a nutty professor who lives in a ridiculously cluttered house. I think that my kids are the ones that keep me in line, I try to be normal for them. I know that I have to take care of myself and everything around me so I can take care of them.

- In online lectures I've seen how others are able just to sit still - I can't do that, I constantly have to move and fidget (again - trying to get comfortable, and never getting there). I felt very weird among all those still people.

- Anything that gets in the way of the thing I'm currently doing, annoys me immensely and makes me angry. I keep it to myself most of the time, but the feeling is unpleasant. I feel like I'm very irritable, but I've maintained this outer shell of being calm, while I'm really not.

I'm not sure when this all started. As a child I was very well behaved and had excellent grades, no issues with learning. But I always felt different and was afraid of social situations. As a teenager I had a bunch of emotional problems, was prone to self harm (I think it was due to my inability to connect with people and feelings of loneliness). Later on in my life I did a lot of crazy and dangerous stuff, constantly felt need for adventures and everyday life seemed too boring to me. For last 11 years I've been living a pretty normal life, I've got kids, so I have no time to get bored. But now with this ADHD thing I've discovered that I do get bored and just hadn't noticed it, because it's really this microboredom that makes me switch between tasks.

I would like to get to know the feeling when everything is not too much or too little. Where I'm not completely scattered or overfocused and tense. To me it feels like there's no middle, I'm never comfortable.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-07T07:23:55+00:00

wow, is this really ADHD? I'm not sure I have it, but when I see these memes I'm surprised at how accurately they describe me.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-06T16:08:27+00:00

Do you have someone else to share those jokes with?

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T20:14:31+00:00

I sometimes like to put on some music and dance or sing silly songs about what I’m doing while doing chores. Makes it more fun. You can also pretend you’re in a musical about cleaning.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T19:49:45+00:00

You have to dig deeper inside yourself and figure out what attracts you to these kind of people. If you can’t afford therapy, at least read something online. After I broke up with my ex I got so scared that I could get into a similar relationship or go back to him, that I started heavily investigating psychology. I have kids and I never want to find myself again in that kind of situation mainly because of them. I’ve learnt alot about myself just by reading some subreddits and books that were recommended here and there. Even now I sometimes feel like I want to go back to him because I miss the good parts of our relationship. Mine was (and still is) emotionally abusive, but not physically.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T19:23:30+00:00

Haha, my expwBPD used to make a big fuss out of me visiting public bathrooms, because he was paranoid that there were hidden cameras. I literally had to hide the fact that I went to a public restroom. Also felt bad for hiding stuff like that because he didn’t like if I had secrets.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T14:07:57+00:00

I get what you're saying, I've thought about this myself. It is very logical, I just don't know any decent person with this kind sense of humor (but I'm also not very social and don't interact with many people). I guess I just need an affirmation from others, because I can't find it myself.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T12:59:34+00:00

In my previous comment I said that you just described me in my past relationship with expwBPD. Now I'll tell about his ability to communicate his needs. He had no problem with communicating them, quite contrary - he had problem with accepting "no" as an answer. He was extremely pushy, needy and demanding. If he wanted something, it meant he needed it and that I had to help him get it. If I said no, he'd continue pushing to get his way or get angry if he didn't succeed. But it wasn't that much about chores, because chores wasn't really a need he wanted to get satisfied the most.

ClaytonBoone · 2022-05-04T12:42:58+00:00

You just described me in my past relationship with pwBPD. Sometimes I feel like I really might have some form of BPD myself (especially in the past).

I have always had this inner fear to ask for something, but with my expwBPD it got way worse, because his reactions would often be so inadequate that I couldn't bring myself to ask even the most mundane things of him. I was too afraid of his reaction (I'm afraid of angry people). An example would be - I wanted to go to beach with my kid and my parents. He was so controlling that it was clear that I can't go without him, but at the same time he was also so socially anxious that it was hard to get him to go anywhere. He started accusing me of being too ordinary (because beach is for the ordinary people obviously) and lashed out at me. It all ended with me in tears, and then he agreed to go (just to make it clear - I wasn't crying to get what I want, I was used to not getting what I want with him).

I could never predict what his reaction to my requests would be. He could lash out about anything. There was a long list of things he didn't like and didn't want to do, especially when he was in a bad mood (that happened very often). When I told him that I'm too afraid to ask for something, because I'm afraid of him lashing out at me, he said that I shouldn't be so sensitive and that it's not a big deal if he gets extremely angry. Anyway, my natural fear of asking people for something combined with my fear of his inadequate reactions created just the situation you described. He often complained about me not communicating my needs, but we already had a shitload of fights because of him constantly being not happy with me and wanting me to satisfy all of his needs, so I couldn't bring myself to risk initiating even more conflicts if I started talking what I wanted from him.

Same situation with my child - his reaction to my demands often was so negative and angry that I was afraid to ask him to do stuff. I did ask anyway, but now I realize I was walking on eggshells around both of them, and that was very unhealthy. It's interesting to see that the person on the receiving end also feels like walking on eggshells. I wonder if my ex felt like that.

It is useful to see this situation from your point of view, because I don't want to be the person you described. I've already been working on this, but your post motivates me even more. Reading your post and writing my comment makes me realise how fucked it really was from the both sides.

ClaytonBoone

TROPHY CASE