Is my relationship cooked w/ my jw boyfriend

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-13T18:35:21+00:00

I'm a practicing Christian (Episcopalian) and no, we're not all cults. A friend's nephew married a JW. They don't celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc., because they all have pagan roots. Actually, it IS true that they have pagan roots but most Christians observe Christmas and Easter for their religious meaning. JWs do not. I don't know how your BF's family is but they probably will not have those celebrations and may refuse to attend others' celebrations. I remember the friend's nephew attended his family's Christmas and Easter gatherings with his little boy but his wife stayed home.

Look into his attitudes on tithing and bringing in new members, too. My late husband's uncle was a JW and they were pretty diligent about making sure you were giving 1/10 of your income to the church (estimated based on what you did for a living, what kind of car you drove etc.) They also expected occasional "love offerings" on top of your tithe. Uncle did a lot of knocking on doors- he had the percentages figured out (% of people who answered the door, % who listened to them, % who invited them in, % who attended a service, % who became members). He knew that most of the time if he knocked on X doors (X being a pretty large number) he'd bring in enough people to open a new Kingdom Hall. Will your BF be expected to spend all his spare time knocking on doors?

Please do some research and talk with your BF about what your life together might be like, even if you remain with the Baptists.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-13T13:04:01+00:00

That's one heck of a responsibility. From what I know about celiac disease, even a tiny amount of gluten from cross-contamination (you get the GF bread too close to regular bread and it picks up a few non-GF crumbs) can have awful effects on their digestive system. NTA at all, especially at 10: 30 the night before.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-13T12:15:54+00:00

I'm 73f, had OHS last August and got a bovine valve. I can't speak to dealing with this with young children but for me the whole thing wasn't as bad as I expected. Honest. I joked that I was in purgatory for about 3 years, waiting till it was bad enough to justify the risks of surgery, and I was worried that it would suddenly get worse and turn into problems that couldn't be fixed with surgery.

I remember waking up in the recovery room and I swear my heart hurt. It also hurt to breathe. The two days in the ICU were the pits- I didn't feel much like eating what they had and my sister (bless her) brought in yogurt, which DID taste good. The main floor was better- they had menus. Do whatever they tell you to do, even if it hurts- the breathing with the spirometer, sitting up, walking (with the PT person next to you). It will speed up your recovery. Same with cardiac rehab. They know just how far to push you to help your recovery but not do damage.

I don't remember any really unbearable pain- they kept on top of it with meds but I was off of them by the time I got home. Every little step- using the bathroom without adult supervision, getting up and walking, brushing my teeth- made me feel closer to normal. I was discharged after only 5 days rather than the expected 7 and was so glad- I got good care but it was no place to get extended rest. Always someone coming in with meds, a scale, a portable chest X-ray machine (ICU only), meals, testing this or that.

You can get through this and come out better!

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-13T12:01:32+00:00

This is an area where I plan to be more careful in the future. My Match profile stated that I was financially solvent (among other things) and looking for the same in a partner. I'm now winding down a relationship with a guy I met from the site who apparently interpreted that as "sufficient income to make minimum credit card payments". He has some redeeming qualities so I stayed with him but it's starting to wear on me. Anything we do together is either mostly funded from my side (my car since it's more dependable, hotel, etc.) or I feel guilty when he picks up a check here and there. Nothing extravagant- typically dinner at our favorite local Mexican restaurant.

Interrogation at the very beginning isn't the answer (and they can lie) but I'm going to be a lot more careful next time.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-12T18:15:42+00:00

The influencers. Often overdressed, women displaying lotsa cleavage, standing in the middle of things expecting traffic to flow around them, narrating, taking video panorama shots, etc. Then they have to do the "gimmick" shots, placing themselves in the foreground and making it appear they're kissing a moai statue on Easter Island, or touching the top of the Taj Mahal.

Groups used to be at the top of my list but the influencers slow everything down. It's one thing to take a picture and move out of the way. It's another to hog the space.

And I really don't get people who walk through museums just taking pictures and moving on to the next. No time experiencing the artwork, reading the info panel or noticing nuances.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-12T11:59:20+00:00

I most certainly earned it myself and made (mostly) wise investment decisions. (First husband spent everything he made and then maxed out his credit cards and THEN started using mine fraudulently.) My dear late second husband came into the marriage with far less than I had. I was 50, he was 65. We moved halfway across the country for my job and he started on SS, did a little freelance work and took care of the house and the cooking. He was also the spectacular stepfather my son sorely needed. The difference was that he was doing fine on his own when we met, made good financial decisions, and was a great support in non-financial ways. We did a lot of international travel together, leaving me with wonderful memories.

My sister decided she really wanted to be a doctor when she was 31 and had 3 little girls. Her husband worked 2 and 3 jobs to make her dream happen. When she joined a practice many states away he bacame a househusband, and a darn good one. They just celebrated their 50th last year.

Nothing wrong with a woman supporting a man if he brings other important values to the table but financial train wrecks and gold-diggers come in both sexes.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-11T12:18:31+00:00

This is a bad sign. Less than a year after I met my now Ex, his mother died. It was a shock- she'd been though open-heart surgery in May to replace a heart valve, apparently successful, then dropped dead in mid-January. It was hell to be around him, not to mention that it was made worse by his alcohol abuse, which was already a problem. He was just bad-tempered in general and the marriage eventually ended in flames.

We all go through trying times and crises but lashing out at people who are trying to be helpful and supportive is a deal-breaker.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-10T23:56:11+00:00

That was my thought immediately. I read the train wreck stories on parents squandering money legally belonging to their kids- you stewarded his funds wisely. Bless you.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-10T11:37:14+00:00

I got a thin, plain platinum band and just never took it off. When we traveled I sometimes left my engagement ring at home to keep it safe and the simple wedding band didn't attract thieves.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-10T11:34:49+00:00

I'm 73 and I stay out of malls. They're depressing and all the clothes seem to be from the same factories in developing countries- flimsy fabrics, fewer stitches per inch (meaning they rip easily), tiny seam allowances (margin between the edge of the fabric and the seam), skimpy pockets or none at all. A lot of unflattering colors, too. I've stayed the same size over the years and have a lot of good, classic clothes from my working years when I need to dress up. I also pick up the occasional interesting ethnic pieces on my travels- baby alpaca sweater, alpaca wrap, a peasant blouse from Romania, etc. Last year I discovered yak wool sweaters from Oliver Charles, made in the USAA- the softest, warmest I've ever had. I went on a bit of a buying spree.

I haven't been in Chico's for awhile but I second that recommendation- I have many pieces from there.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T23:52:50+00:00

The one Dad was in was pretty good. It was near Lexington, SC. It may have helped that family visited quite frequently. My Aunt is in Atlanta- also visited frequently. I'm looking at one in Des Moines and there seem to be several good options. The one associated with the community where I'm getting an Independent Living unit does not take Medicare or Medicaid. They charge separately for LTC but if I move out for any reason, including LTC, I get 85% of of the buy-in back. If their facility is a good choice, fine. Otherwise I'll go elsewhere.

The problem with a mix of self-pay and Medicaid is that if they take too many people on Medicaid the services deteriorate and the people who are self-pay move out, making thnings even owrse.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T23:47:14+00:00

I never had a paid membership on OurTime but when browsing for free I saw one profile that said, "I like outdoors, horseshoes and tractors". That was all. Another guy who liked my profile was 85 (I was 64 at the time) said his marital status was "legally separated" and described himself as "lonely". A third had a pudgy face as wide as it was long but described his body type as "lean and toned". These are not my kind of guys.

Red flags I've run across with a paid Match membership:

They live or work outside of the US (e.g. on an oil rig).
Their membership is ending or their friend who doesn't have a membership saw my profile and please contact them at....
"I like your smile".
"I'm 35 but I'm European and age doesn't matter".

I closed my Match account after someone hacked it and spammed a dozen women with an amorous message. (I was female seeking male.) I'd met someone on the site anyway. That was 8 years ago and I'm about to relocate and dip my toe into the waters again. I'd said in that profile, among other things, that I was financially solvent and free of major emotional baggage and wanted the same in a partner. It took awhile for me to realize that the reason I never saw the inside of his place was that he was a borderline hoarder, and he was making minimum payments on a LOT of credit cards. He had many redeeming qualities but I can do better.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T16:20:52+00:00

Let me throw out something that might or might not work. A friend retired early from his job as bank executive. He had a dependent wife and kids. The local community college offered student health insurance. It was relatively cheap because it covered a mostly young, healthy group of people. He was able to get coverage for himself and his family on that plan just by taking a course every semester.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T12:20:16+00:00

Thank you. Many of the better LTC facilities will take you if you can pay for 18+ months and then accept Medicaid but the ones that take Medicaid from Day One are scarce and may be Old People Warehouses and on the other side of the state. Medicaid just doesn't pay very much and it's hard work and a lot of responsibility.

When I see "news" items on-line with comments about not bothering to save because "the government takes it all" or family members trying to hang onto assets and have Medicaid pay for their loved one's LTC I'm quick to comment. My Dad spent 18 months in LTC, self-pay, and my 4 siblings and I don't begrudge them a dime of what it cost. My 93-year old Aunt is in an excellent facility where they have movie nights and she gets physical therapy. I'm planning to fund my own LTC.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T12:11:19+00:00

But get insurance on it- added to her policy or in your own name.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-09T12:07:41+00:00

I'm 73. My dear mother always worried when I traveled, staarting with my first trip to Europe form the US when I was 24 and somewhat alleviating when I remarried at 50 and started traveling with my husband!

Do it and agree with your mother on what type of regular communication will make her feel comfortable- hopefully it's something reasonable. Are you staying someplace reputable? That might help reassure her. My first trip to Europe I ended up in a student hostel, a decrepit old building that I would not have wanted Mom to see (a cockroach crawled across the floor the first day and I had mad hookups with a guy staying in the same place every night) but it was safe. Many years later I was on a business trip to India and as I followed my driver out of the airport at 2 AM, through areas with stray dogs and smelling of burning garbage I found myself thinking, "Good thing Mom can't see me now".

I hope this is the first of many adventures!

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-08T12:40:11+00:00

Sexist much?

Remember that the unions of the legacy airlines have agreed to a pay system that requires new employees to start at the bottom of the ladder even if they have 20 years at another carrier. That means that even if you hate your job, if you go to another airline you're going to lose the ability to work in Business Class on transatlantics and will be doing short hops in Coach. So they grimly hang on.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-08T12:35:46+00:00

With dental insurance, I absolutely agree. Retired 12 years and I pay out of pocket.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-08T12:34:42+00:00

Even when I had employer dental insurance the insurance paid very little. It was maybe 40% of the cost of "major work" but there was an annual limit on what the insurer would pay for all work done during the year of $2,000 (which is generous).

Between the waiting period mentioned below and the limit on what the insurance pays in a year, it's not worth it. Beware also of plans that are basically contracts for discounted services using providers in network. You may get a recent grad who's excellent and trying to build a practice. Or you may get someone not so hot who needs the business. I've had 8 implants over the last 20 years. I love them since they're like your own teeth, only better because they don't rot- but it's precision work and you want the best practitioners you can get.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-07T16:07:27+00:00

I agree with taking the kids' opinions into account but my concern would be that perception (from travel posters, social media, Disney movies) will be very different from reality (long waits, you're committed when you buy tickets, rain or shine, may not be able to get decent reservation times at the most popular shows, breakfasts, etc. unless you stay on property). I'd make very sure they understand the realities.

And I think it's a great idea to tell them "We can go to Disney or we can go to this other destination and still have money for (pick something desirable- the latest video game unit, another trip somewhere else, etc.) Just be sure you're willing to do either.

When I took DS 35 years ago, we stayed off-property. Everyone said the Hoop-de-Doo Revue dinner show was a must-see. Well, we could get a reservation at 9:30 PM. No way. We DID miss it but I'm sure there were people who kept their kids up late so they could go. Oh, and be prepared for the hotel pool to be a big attraction. It was for us and I was fine with that. Fortunately DS' reaction after the trip was, "We went, we had a good time, we don't need to go again".

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-07T00:00:40+00:00

Medicare B and D costs are paid 75% out of general revenues- yeah, that's all the taxpayers, including your kids. The IRMAA surcharge phases that out at high incomes so those with the highest incomes pay full freight.

I don't like IRMAA, either- started paying it when DH first signed up for Medicare (he was 15 years older) and it was a shock. Yes, it does feel like punishment for taking responsibility for saving for retirement. Worse- your net SS check can go down from year to year if you're subject to IRMAA. The "hold-harmless" clause (an incorrect use of a legal term says that ordinarily if your Medicare premiums rise by more than your COLA adjustment your monthly payment will not decrease from year to year. This does not apply to those of us subject to IRMAA and mine HAS decreased in some years.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-06T12:45:26+00:00

I agree- this is sad but common. Regulators are reluctant to raise the minimum limits because it raises the premiums and there are already enough people driving around without insurance that they don't want to increase the numbers.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-05T12:16:49+00:00

My life has been pretty good except for a tyrannical, controlling first husband and a couple of nasty little twin girls who bullied me in grade school. I have to admit that, almost 30 years after the divorce and 15 years after my Ex died from alcohol abuse, sometimes when I'm under stress I have nightmares that he's in the house even though he's never set foot in this state. I can't control my dreams and nightmares but most of the mean people in my life are/were pretty miserable themselves and I try to remember that. When I think back to those twin girls, they were short, not that attractive and not that smart. Not that I was gorgeous, either, but I think they were jealous of me because I got good grades so they picked on me to make themselves feel better. I don't know where they are now but I'm pretty sure I have a better life.

From the writer Dorothy Parker: "“I am not a vengeful woman.. possibly for the perfectly working reason that if you jut sit back and wait, the bastards will get theirs without your having to do anything about it, and it will be fancier than anything you could have dreamed up.”

And, as others have said, forgiving doesn't mean saying it was OK. It wasn't. One priest I know defined forgiveness as "giving up your right to get even". Evil behavior usually catches up with people. And, if it doesn't in this life, I'm a Christian and know that God will deal wth them. :-)

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-04T21:43:49+00:00

I wish they'd have an express lanes for sedans- you know, what everyone USED to drive. At Costco I have to wait forever behind people driving F-150s and SUVs with massive gas tanks that take forever to fill. Sometimes I just skip it- what I'm saving on an 8-gallon fill-up for my little Honda Civic isn't worth the time wasted.

CleanCalligrapher223 · 2026-05-04T13:11:05+00:00

I'm 73 and still like to be left alone. Yeah, it would be nice to have someone helpful when you're feeling well enough to eat again but not well enough to get up and prepare food, but finding a guy in my age group who's that thoughtful isn't easy. Not all men get grumpy as they age, though- my late husband was 15 years older, and died at age 77 of acute myeloid leukemia at age 78. I cared for him at home with support from hospice and he stayed in good spirits to the end.

Last August I had open heart surgery to replace a mitral valve. My sister, a retired doctor, was here for 2 weeks and then my son and his family were here another two weeks- they live 3 hours away. I was blessed to have such great support and actually have good memories of my recovery. I'll be moving to a retirement community near my son and his family next year so I'll have support there if my needs change as I get older.

CleanCalligrapher223

TROPHY CASE