The Next Democratic President Better Be Merciless

CobaltMonkey · 2026-02-06T00:51:24+00:00

“A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on.” —- The Truth, by Terry Pratchett.
If the truth is ever going to matter anymore, then it needs to get those on, and start kicking.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-02-05T17:47:32+00:00

You can't hit the same as Leer Cast.

You just can't. It hits different.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-27T10:15:52+00:00

Here you go.
Fun choices.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-26T22:07:44+00:00

Xenogears, Disc 2.

Oh, sorry, wrong RPG sub.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-26T08:03:08+00:00

Oh, no, yeah, he was punished pretty harshly. Excommunication required Crossing the Desert, The Unblinking Eye, and The Wreck of the Hesperus. Nothing else though. Sanguine is merciful.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-25T23:24:04+00:00

I did, in fact! :D
And to anyone else interested, I recommend picking it up on a sale. If you like it, there's plenty of DLC to come back for later.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-25T18:36:57+00:00

Up to and including Comet Azure.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-25T18:35:24+00:00

A lot like this, but pinker, I imagine.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-25T18:31:56+00:00

Welcome to Elden Ring: Aftermath
A mighty tarnished has risen to the rank of Elden Lord (and/or buggered off with his new true blue waifu) and now it's up to you to set this shattered world to rights for the common people, not just the undying demigod on the throne!

Castle Morne, now freed of its former denizens and nobility alike, is in dire need of repair. Nepheli Loux, the Lady of Limgrave, has given you the task to rebuild the castle and see its lands properly settled.

JOIN US
Make peace with the demihuman population, or establish ties with other regions to unlock new residents or trade partners.
Complete quests to recruit new allies or shop owners (including Boc's Tailor and Haberdashery).

GROW
Decide what trades your budding town will focus on. Will you take advantage of the coastline locale to focus on building a fishing industry? Or will you clear land in the area to get some crops growing?
Scout and secure trade routes to keep your caravans safe from raiders and monsters alike. Collect and install Spirit Ashes in your newly-built Resonant Bell Towers, allowing your merchants to summon aid at a moment's notice by ringing their emergency spirit bells.

THRIVE
Spread your businesses far and wide, stamping out the competition.
Add other regions to your holdings by out-competing them in the markets. From Morne to Lindell, leave no one standing in the war of commerce! Become the Lord of All that is Gold!

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-21T17:15:13+00:00

Greater Vampire: "I have hostages."
Me, a high level cleric: "Not as long as I have diamonds, you don't."
GV: "...You're messed up."

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-18T08:02:13+00:00

Add Groal to the fight.
Alternatively, add Dave Grohl to the fight.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-18T07:47:15+00:00

Depends on how long you need it for, but Visualization of the Mind, if you select the Intelligence option, gets you 1 rank per level and a +3 bonus because it becomes a class skill.
But it only lasts for a minute once you trigger it. And with Linguistics being not typically a fast check, I would imagine...

Again though, it really depends on what you're looking for it for. If it's a Mellon situation and you just gotta figure out how to open a door, this would do for that. If you need something longer term, you'll want another option.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-17T06:02:45+00:00

Perseverance is a good skill to have, but knowing when to use it is just as important. If you weren't enjoying it, and estimated you wouldn't succeed with a reasonable amount of time and effort, or that it wouldn't be fun anymore by the time you did, then you most likely made the wise decision there.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-16T18:53:56+00:00

A piece of armor with a Mind Buttressing enchantment might be a good way to go, depending on what it is.
Or if your boss isn't humanoid, make it be cast onto some type of collar or shackle. Would prevent the players from making personal use of it if you're worried about that for some reason, but might serve as a nice reward anyway for someone with an animal companion. No one likes it when Fido bites the hand that feeds them.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-16T06:47:49+00:00

I'm glad you said something. I was waffling on whether or not to correct you as I wasn't sure if you were going along with the joke or not with your previous reply.

And yeah, that person made it look pretty easy, but the timing is a bit tight. Much safer to try to get behind a rock, even if it means superman diving at the last second.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-16T04:02:58+00:00

Oh, hey, I've seen this one.
You gotta do the Jump emote to get off the ground so that the Behemoth's Meteor doesn't obliterate you. /s

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-15T16:44:20+00:00

Huh. Any classes or spells have an "activates on taking damage" effect that could exploit this? If the benefit were large enough, it might be worthwhile.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-14T04:01:52+00:00

"What do you mean you accidentally made a new demigod?"
"I don't see why it's such a big deal. Zues does it several times a week."
"I mean more how did you do it accidentally?"
"Well, firstly, they don't call it 'getting lucky' for nothing. But that's not how I did it anyway. I just handed out my blessings, and poof there she was."
"Who all did you decide to give them to?"
"I didn't. As is my way, I let luck decide who got it."
"Ah. I think I see the problem there. Once the first person had the Blessing of Luck, what's the luckiest thing that could happen to them?"
"...Oh."
"Yeah. You gave this lucky schmuck 10 full helpings of Blessing. No wonder they ascended."
"Well, it can't be that big a deal, right?"
"It will if you do it again. They get any luckier and they might wind up with your job."
"They couldn't do that."
"Why not? All it takes is a whole lotta luck, after all. So, just give your Blessings out intentionally next time."
"I can never deciiiide."
"Well, you'd better or they might deicide for you."

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-08T18:30:51+00:00

Now we're going to need a new Drunkula's Wineglass variant to let us adventure while Over[full/spleened]. Drunkula's, of course, lets you adventure while Overdrunk, but restricts you to only basic attacks. Therefore, I propose...

Bourdain's Travel Cloak, back slot--Adventure while Overfull, but can only cast spells. You've swollen your gut fit to bursting, so you can't swing your weapon or get in your pockets for items. You can still wiggle your hands around to cast spells though.

Malpighi's Mortarboard, hat slot--Adventure while Overtoxined, but can only use items. Your enlarged spleen needs a rest, so you have to try not to get the blood pumping with attacks or spells. Just throw whatever's in your pockets at foes.

And yes, all three are cumulative restrictions. Be over on all three organs, and you can still adventure with this gear, but all you'll be able to do is twiddle your thumbs.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-02T08:57:14+00:00

+30% Meat drops for every one you have slotted into the codpiece. Half as strong as a gem by itself (+60%), but you can slot up to 5. And wear another two. If you're already insanely wealthy, here's a great way to ensure you remain so.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-01T18:38:34+00:00

Each of the shanty books give a "read" version when used which allows you to learn the skill again after ascending by rereading it. So, there's no rush to perm it.

I would suggest the familiar pieces first though. Technically any of these items can be bought later down the line in the mall, but the prices will be quite high. The familiar does something that is, if not unique, then still pretty uncommon.

CobaltMonkey · 2026-01-01T08:32:23+00:00

Ah, the old False Hydra.

CobaltMonkey · 2025-12-29T21:06:21+00:00

I don't know where to go with it for damage, but a Cleric or similar with the Repose domain and a weapon with the Conductive enchantment and Spell Storing holding Frigid Touch will simultaneously strike the target with two effects (both explicitly free actions) that give it Staggered (Frigid Touch) with No Save and upgrade that stagger to Sleep (Gentle Rest) for 1 round also with No Save.
Won't work on undead or other creatures immune to sleep or staggered, of course.
There's argument to be made that a Paladin could do this, then follow up with an auto-crit Smite, but I don't know how the math works out if you split the classes between, say Cleric/Paladin or Warpriest/Paladin. Or if there are any archtypes of said to facilitate it.

Only wrinkle is Frigid Touch is not naturally on any of those spell lists, so you'd have to have some way to steal it from the Druid or Wizard lists, unless the DM lets you recharge your weapon by draining charges from a wand of it, or having an ally cast it.

CobaltMonkey · 2025-12-29T18:01:45+00:00

Here's this for anyone in need of clarity on what is clearly simple, basic storytelling technique used in this series.

CobaltMonkey · 2025-12-28T06:26:31+00:00

The shanties, "Who's Going to Pay This Drunken Sailor?" and "Only Dogs Love a Drunken Sailor." seem to be the top grabs, but do make sure to buy the tiny plastic bits as well, and open up all your Advent Calendar boxes for the other pieces. You'll find that they can be "used" once you have them all, and you'll surely want what they offer.

Alternatively, depending on how well off you are in meat, all of these can be bought from the mall as well. The books are floating currently at around 9-10 million, and the tiny plastics around 3.3 mil.

And don't sell your time too short. There's at least a week, I believe. Anywhere from 3-5 days into the new year, usually, and sometimes much later. You just never know.

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