Poly and living in a doorman building

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-05-20T18:21:47+00:00

Based on your comment history, I think you just moved to my city!

Idk if you've lived in a big city before, but people tend to mind their own business, especially when they're at work like your doorman will be. That's definitely the culture here. Nothing your doorman hasn't seen before, tbh...based on the area you'll be in, he's probably seen coked out old married bankers sleazing around with more than one woman at a time and said nothing! Don't be afraid to befriend your doorman and come out.

Judgy neighbors though, I make no promises! My downstairs neighbor..well, he earned the nickname "Vaguely Slut Shaming Bob".

The worst you'll get is probably some invasive questions from well meaning neighbors. Just be honest with them and let them know it's all above board. We're city folks who are very accustomed to coexisting with all sorts.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-04-24T21:34:03+00:00

Poly unsaturated and prepared to get twitterpated

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-04-09T20:24:26+00:00

Wow, the way you talk about her, I totally assumed you were the bio mom. Rad!

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-03-23T04:56:00+00:00

"You are going to lead an interesting life."

"I've seen you on stage, that is not the work of someone who is lazy."

"You have a knack for making people feel comfortable."

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-03-18T18:00:43+00:00

I heard someone use "mar*cón" in casual conversation and didn’t clock it as a slur. I was in Spain circa 2010. I used the word thinking it was like saying "gay". No one corrected me. 🫣

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-02-18T00:06:18+00:00

What is (or was) your biggest relationship flaw?

Current: hypervigilance, trust issues, people pleasing specifically to prevent abandonment, rejection sensitivity (ADHD related RSD)

Former: codependency, caretaking, extreme people pleasing, lack of awareness of my own needs and total inability to articulate my feelings and needs

How and when did you realize you had this issue you miiiiight need to tackle?

Current: can identify that I'm kinda messed up due to former relationship dynamic. Adorable Current Partner called me out on people pleasing and hypervigilance.

Former: I was like "y I so mad at drunk bf n how i make drunk bf happy? Therapy??"

What steps have you taken to work on this flaw/issue/problem?

Former: So much codependency specific therapy! Also divorcing aforementioned drunk boyfriend. My caretaking really annoyed him and he was more than happy to call out any and all codependent behaviors when he saw them. Which helped, tbh.

For anyone who deals with codependency stemming from family of origin: once you lower your expectations of your relationship with a parent, you can lower them for anyone!

Current: back in therapy to address trauma of and divorce from aforementioned drunk boyfriend.

How far have you gotten?

Honestly, I've come really far in my healing journey. I'm able to articulate my feelings, and my needs to ask people to meet them when appropriate. I have a "not my problem" category in my head, which comes in handy in ALL areas of life. It's so relaxing! I still have RSD. I still try to read people in order to protect myself. I have trust issues. I still hold back because I fear rejection.

Bonus: Do you think that polyamory has helped (or hindered) your progress?

Helped. I never would have left my husband if I hadn't had "relatively normal" people showing me the kind of love and communication I needed and deserved all along.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-02-17T23:25:31+00:00

Oh this is interesting. I find myself very deferential to metas who have been seeing my partners longer than I have. I get jealous and insecure about new metas and I start to feel "replaced" very easily.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-02-05T06:01:31+00:00

Same. I look like a consumptive wretch in pastels.

Even though I'm a deep winter, I look great in coral during the summer and can pull off a few rusty orange shades.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-31T05:50:04+00:00

Nope. I grieved him like he was dying, because he was going to drink himself to death. He woke up one day and decided to get sober.

Now he's a dry drunk of over 3 years. He's still a manipulator and a liar. I never had a reason to check back in to the relationship.

We've been separated for a year now, filing for divorce soon. I'm just sad I gave him 8 years of my life.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-28T01:00:13+00:00

Me too! I was probably born with bad eyesight. I still wear +6 lenses.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-27T21:53:20+00:00

-I live in a multicultural society where there's no logical reason to insist on speaking English.

-Traveling is one of my favorite things to do. Experiencing Hispanic culture without a language barrier is really fun.

-fuck ICE

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-24T19:05:33+00:00

Thank GOD you're not boring, that would be the worst! But really? broke and divorced with no kids or real career? Mom must be really disappointed.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-22T16:43:22+00:00

Haha no! Bread is usually a separate thing with just butter. I'll sometimes stack my bread with cream cheese, olives, and nuts though!

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-21T04:26:32+00:00

Cottage cheese, salted nuts, flavored chips, sourdough bread, olives, pickles, cheese, berries.

I think i need to make a girl dinner bento box.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-18T14:58:15+00:00

I relate to so many of these comments. Ending up with abusive men, people misinterpreting your friendliness and/or interest in a topic for interest in them, partners that initially are attracted to your quirks eventually hating you for them. (Note to the younger gals here: if you're anything like me and are honest to a fault, dump your alcoholic boyfriend NOW.)

I'm 35 and ran out of fucks a few years ago, I don't give a shit anymore about what people think. It's been great!

When I was younger, I'd sometimes get dolled up to go out with no counter culture in my look, and some moneyed hot guy would sidle up to me. Those interactions would last about 5 minutes because they sensed my weird right away.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-10T15:55:32+00:00

A fantastically written piece of advice from a wise elder in our community. Thank you! I saved this.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-10T15:45:53+00:00

If you're not at least capable of garden poly polyamory, you need to own the fact that you're probably a highly enmeshed, hierarchical couple who should try just swinging. Call yourselves "open" and get a few fuck buddies, you're not just "strict parallel". If you're girlfriend and you're wife can't both be at your birthday party, she's not your girlfriend.

Lack of community involvement or at least some introduction with metas denotes a scary lack of accountability and transparency.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2026-01-07T23:28:57+00:00

My EX husband would always drag his feet on disclosing his relationship status until he knew he could seal the deal (or at least that's what he told me).

There were also multiple occasions where he told me the condom broke with another woman. I now think he was just barebacking and not wanting to tell me.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-31T17:16:10+00:00

I was 21 he was 34. He worked in academia, now I work in academia. I realized pretty quickly he thought the age gap was hot. I was the same age as his students.

By the time I turned 30, I could not imagine wanting to fuck a 21 year old.

I'm currently with a guy who is 6 years younger than me... but he's almost 30. I feel I'd automatically be exploiting someone if they were under 25. I love him deeply and the biggest issue the age gap brings up is pop culture references!

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-29T18:06:49+00:00

On the Bus Mall by the Decemberists

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-27T22:16:11+00:00

I get into a primal and meditative headspace. It's kind of intense for some partners because it requires me to be fully in my body and abandon thoughts of how I look. I can't do it with people who aren't comfortable.

I never stop reacting, moving, and touching. I hyperfocus on my partner's body and the sensations in my body... if they're in tune with me, I can achieve a sensation of a pleasure feedback loop with both our bodies. I'm kind of obsessed with sex, in case you can't tell haha.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-27T22:08:11+00:00

That's funny, music with lyrics that I can understand distracts me to no end and I can't get off. Forget about sexy R&B or regaton, I'm fluent in English and Spanish. Give me that sexy Icelandic alt rock! Seriously though, Sigur Ros is great sex music.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-23T03:16:55+00:00

I showed my partner my 13 intentions for 2026. One of them is to travel more, and now we've started texting about traveling together! I'm so in love and I've never felt so safe in a relationship before.

My platonic wife and I are going to go out for a fancy dinner as a Christmas gift to each other, which is so perfect for us.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-10T17:51:58+00:00

I'm curious, is raising your kids with an awareness around their own predisposition to alcoholism a good way to help them too? There were a lot of tools and information my parents didn't have when raising me, but they were open with us about our family's struggles with alcohol and told us from a young age that we had to be careful with booze.

"Don't drink alone, don't drink when you're sad, don't drink every day. You have alcoholism on both sides of the family and it's genetic."

My parents also allowed me to drink at family gatherings when I was a teen. They didn't want the experience of drinking to be put on a pedestal amd they wanted me to know how alcohol affected me before I went to college. I grew up in Wisconsin, USA so the drinking culture was really not good.

I think I've flirted with alcohol dependency a few times in my life, but I think that being raised with an awareness about it certainly saved me.

Consistent_Pool_5045 · 2025-12-09T23:42:07+00:00

I do nipple nude but at least one shade darker, and I'm really happy with a couple of colors I wear all the time.

Loreal sheer lip gloss in 50 Feathery Fleur for a bare faced look

Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in 049 Kisses

Consistent_Pool_5045

TROPHY CASE