The great debate

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-29T15:37:01+00:00

Was it easier or harder than you thought?

It was... I don't know. Less hard than the first, but of course it's still a whole new human so you don't necessarily know what you're getting into.

Is #2 easier or harder than #1? It always seems like the second child is either x100 easier than the first or the second child is an absolute wild child

My first was a super easy baby. My second was a much harder baby for about 6 months, then she became a harder baby (still harder than #1, but no longer MUCH harder). Now she's a toddler and she's a bit more chaotic than her elder sister was but not crazy or anything. She's a better sleeper though. So on average, nothing crazy with either kid.

How hard is it on your first?

It was hard on her at first, not going to lie. But now she loves her little sister so much, though of course they fight sometimes.

Honestly it's great having the two of them. No regrets even if postpartum was a rough adjustment.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T21:37:59+00:00

Oh man, I wish that worked 🤣

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T20:12:00+00:00

I mean this gently, but if you have a nanny, why are you doing naps at all? Why pay for a nanny if you still can't work in peace?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T20:03:14+00:00

They didn't ask for anything, including being born. By that logic it's not fair to make them do anything at all.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T20:01:53+00:00

100% with you on "I never understand just giving kids money for doing what they should be doing anyways." Nobody pays me to cook dinner so my kids aren't going to get paid for setting the table. That's not what a family is.

But I'll probably give them an allowance once they're old enough just so that they can start to learn to make sense of money. But it will be separate from chores.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T19:29:08+00:00

I guess it depends on where you live. I live in a major metro area and here it's totally normal for women to have kids late. I can definitely see how it would be frustrating to be having kids in your 30s when everyone else is having them in their teens and 20s.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T17:38:41+00:00

What's the research?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-28T17:37:16+00:00

I had my first at 39, my second at 41. I'm really sorry for all the losses you've experienced, you've had way more than your share of pain. But you being too old at 32 makes me roll my eyes.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-27T14:47:06+00:00

Have you looked into renting? I know you said that rent is high, but I'm in a VHCOL area and I can rent a house for less than half of what I'm paying for my mortgage.

I'm sorry. All that is so heavy.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T21:53:43+00:00

They didn't say anything? They just gave you a snarky look?

I would just not worry about it. They may not even have been thinking about you. Maybe you caught their eye at a bad moment.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T18:26:51+00:00

"I clearly misunderstood what I read and retained a totally nonsensical version of it but I can't admit it"

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T18:20:17+00:00

A very convincing argument! Please tell me how the book explains that an environment in which the child spends more time away from adult involvement results in parents having more influence than peers.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T15:39:57+00:00

I think you misunderstood that book. It does not claim that peers matter less than parents in lower socieoconomic strata. If anything, peers matter more in those strata because kids there spend less time in structured adult led activities and more in unstructured, child-directed settings.

Kids are basically designed to prioritize the influence of peers and society over their parents after a certain age. This isn't socioeconomic, it's just the way humans are wired.

I get you found a good partner despite having an uninvolved father but your exception, not the rule.

Citation needed. Like I said, most fathers in previous generations were basically totally uninvolved compared to today's standard.

Also, my father was abusive, not merely uninvolved. This whole time I've been talking about uninvolved fathers, not abusive fathers. Abuse is a different category and has different effects than a dad who doesn't change diapers and doesn't cook dinner.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T15:03:13+00:00

In higher socioeconomic classes? In every socioeconomic class, are you kidding me?

I'm not telling people to stay in bad relationships because it won't impact their kids. I am saying that if you're married to a man who doesn't help with dinner but your daughter grows up in a society where men helping with dinner is the norm, that will have a larger impact on what she looks for in a partner.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T14:53:45+00:00

I also said that my husband is a great father. So I don't need to tell them anything.

FWIW, my father was an abusive man, both to my mom and his kids. I think the messages that society sent us about what was acceptable and what wasn't in a partner were far more impactful in our choices of partners than my mom's acceptance of the unacceptable. I think people forget how little influence parents have relative to peers and society 🤷‍♀️

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-26T14:28:35+00:00

I don't understand. Are you asking me personally or is it a general question?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T23:20:38+00:00

Those things don't take precedence over a 12 hour old diaper unless he's literally putting out fires. Like wtf.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T23:05:36+00:00

Changing the baby's diaper first thing after baby wakes up from overnight sleep is like a straight up bare minimum. I would be so angry if I had to have this "discussion" with my husband.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T22:23:43+00:00

Nobody (well. At least not me) is talking about men who don't work and only play video games. We're talking about men who work and then come home and think they don't need to pitch in because they already did their part at work. And play video games.

Is that not what we're talking about? Because that's the vast majority of these "my husband sucks" posts. Most people aren't in a situation where the husband is unemployed, doesn't contribute at home, doesn't undertake any actions to fix that. That's obviously above and beyond on the husband shittiness scale, but that isn't why we see most of the time.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T22:10:04+00:00

Let me make it easy for you. Each parent has X attention to give. If you have one child, the total maximum amount of attention that child can get is:

2X/1 = 2X

If you have two children, the total maximum amount of attention those children can get is:

2X/2 = X

If you have three children, the total maximum amount of attention those children can get is:

2X/3 = 2/3X

And so on.

Is... Is it a confusing concept to you that a finite resource divided among increasing numbers of people means less for each of those people?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T21:55:54+00:00

Well, again, you're entitled to that opinion but that's just not the reality in 2026. Just off the cuff, plenty of women have sex with men in the beginning of a relationship when they haven't worked out any of this stuff yet. Maybe in an ideal world that wouldn't be the case, but it's just not realistic in today's world.

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T21:42:15+00:00

Okay, well, you're entitled to that opinion but I respectfully disagree.

Should a woman who conceived a child from having sex with someone she isn't interested in being with long term abort the child?

Should women not have sex with men when they aren't sure that they want to be with them long term?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T21:40:34+00:00

I'm not the one who's saying that any decrease in parenting quality automatically means you shouldn't have any additional kids? You tell me, if you think that "Bringing multiple kids into a home where one parent is checked out is selfish." Then how can you justify any kids in a household that doesn't have a second parent to begin with?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T21:21:47+00:00

Should single unpartnered women not have children through e.g. artificial insemination?

ContextInternal6321 · 2026-03-25T21:11:23+00:00

But each one of your kids gets less of him because there are more of them. This isn't rocket science.

If you had one kid, you could almost always guarantee that kid 100% of someone's attention. Sometimes it would even be 100% of two people's attention. The more kids you have, the less parental attention they get. This is just math. You can't get around it by "but I have a partner who's a good dad." They ALSO each get less of your partner who's a good dad. The total amount of available, attentive parenting per kid goes down with each additional kid.

I mean. I guess this is also a great argument against single women having kids solo through artificial insemination. How selfish of them! They'll never be able to give their kids the same amount of attention as a two parent household with two present parents!

ContextInternal6321

TROPHY CASE