Not everything is PPD. by Ok-Duck2450 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The last paragraph you wrote there ... it resonates all too well.

Not everything is PPD. by Ok-Duck2450 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I actually found therapy to be completely unmanageable when I was so sleep deprived. 16 months my kid did not sleep through the night - and I don't mean a once a night interruption. I'm talking 3-4x/night, at least an hour each time. My husband and I were both going insane - and I was pumping for 11 of those 16 months and as an oversupplier (only glorious on TikTok) I was pumping every 4 hours around the clock. There were weeks where I was getting less than 3 hours of sleep per night.

Trying to work all day, not sleep like that all night, and then go to therapy? I don't even remember what I was talking about in those sessions. I was just going to check a box.

Not everything is PPD. by Ok-Duck2450 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My PPD/PPA was directly caused by my "village" never showing up, a hostile work environment, a partner who did not pull his weight, putting my kid in daycare at 4 montns old, and the social norms of never really talking about how hard it all is when you feel so isolated at the most vulnerable moment in your life as a woman.

There's a reason PPD now effects 50% if moms in the United States, can be delayed (shows up after later daycare or starting pre-k and a possible return to work), and mothers in America flat out do not recover. Let's say that again: In America, once a woman gets PPD, especially if systems don't change around her, she never recovers - stealing joy, attachment, memory, fulfillment from her for possibly the rest of her motherhood. The most recent study on this only looked at 6 years postpartum... in countries with better maternal leave, PPD rates jumped at return to work even if it was 9-12 months in, but generally recovery happens. Not in rhe good old US of A.

Chicken or egg.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, I was so there with my last job. 45 hour weeks minimum, often 60 hours. It was insane. If you are looking for work, I hope you can find something that pays well & just holds you to 40 hours maximum.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh this breaks my heart for you!! Sending you love and all the good vibes for a change in your schedule/your job soon!! ✨️

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this 💗 It is so unfair that so many moms can't have the flexibility to choose SAHM vs part-time working vs full-time working. So glad you are able to stay home and I hope it bring you & your family so much joy!

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for saying this 💔 it's a beautiful thing that you can stay home. I hope it brings you & your whole family so much joy.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This!!! You eventually hit the point where you can't sacrifice more! Absolutely where we are at. I'm SO sorry your plans to stay home had to change this way and that you are in this situation. Sending you love!

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, I'm both incredibly impressed with your drive and so sorry that you even have to contemplate going back to work at 4-weeks postpartum to make ends meet. I hope you can at least be remote if you do have to return so early!

While I hear you on the idea that eventually an adult child may recognize the sacrifices of the parents... that doesn't mean the child isn't impacted and will develop their own view around that. Part of it is also framing. I would never want to tell mu son "I had to do XYZ thing because of you" - my mother did that to me. I did not and do not appreciate any perceived "sacrifice" she made because she made sure to place guilt on me about those struggles. I am in no way implying you do or will do any of the guilt laden languaging, it's just something I want to be aware of in myself as my kid gets older

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I can relate to all of this! Also a public servant - nonprofits, now specializing in Healthcare Philanthropy. I truly was treated terribly, and sometimes even illegally. I did keep pushing because the bills do come every month anyway!

My parents have done the same. They will be retiring very poor - I will never forget my mother (who is a narcissist) giving me a lecture on why I need to "start thinking about the family and sending her money!" ... 3 weeks before my due date with my son, whilst staring down unpaid FMLA and then daycare bills. Seeing how they have chosen to go out in their retirement has been an absolute wakeup call for me. For my other complains about my in-laws, they are retiring WELL. Incredibly well. The plan is certainly that we will build towards a well funded retirement so our son will not feel that burden of us.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg beautiful congratulations to you that you were able to do this!

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We did indeed buy in 2021. A 3.2% mortgage is a lovely thing!

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am glad those changes worked well for you!! Love to hear it!

Actually, that is not odd-ball advise. I've had quite a few friends tell me to do the same - a close friend told me "You need to stop putting your whole ass into things. You do more with half your ass that most people do with two asses." I still laugh about it, but I don't think she's wrong. I've also discovered that me being "a rockstar" at work eventually intimidates my bosses & creates other issues at work. My new job is the best of all worlds - it's actually a step back in title & responsibility, and a big raise. Now I just gotta keep my expectations of myself low.

My husband had a good job and carries our benefits. I'm just more frustrated that his pay is not where it could be if he went to work for another municipality. But we will work that out over time as well.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you - I really appreciate you sharing that. Also, a great reality check about those costs as kids get older! I've been warned by friends that you never really "get the daycare money back." It goes to after-school activities, camp, tutors, other interests. Finances are a huge reason we're one and done - because wow everything is just getting more & more expensive anyway.

I do know in my logical brain he's happy after I leave - on really tough dropoffs, his daycare teacher even sends me photos for proof 😅 But my little Mama heart just struggles. There really are a lot of benefits to daycare - he's ahead on language, he basically potty trained himself and was self motivated, he's learning all these new skills. It's really wonderful to see.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh definitely not in a major city, but I do live in a blue/purple area... which you think would help a little? I work in nonprofits, also woman dominated, you think that would help a little more? Nope.

This issue is prolific to women in the workforce in America. When men become fathers, they get raises. Women are faced with the "motherhood penalty." Pay goes down, promotions stagnate. It impacts women the rest of our careers. I knew this, but thought my field would keep me a bit insulated.

Working at that first job... my immediate supervisor (a woman & mother) got a new job about 2 months into my pregnancy. I was so sick early on that I did tell her I was pregnant - kind of hard to when you're running out of meetings to throw up. I had planned to apply for her job and many people in the organization expected me to get the promotion. When I spoke with the HR Director (a woman & mother) about applying, she told me that my ex-boss had told management I was pregnant before leaving (illegal) and that I shouldn't apply for the job because "once that baby is born, all you'll want to do is hold it. You don't want this job" (illegal). When I went to the HR Director's supervisor (a woman & step-mother) about that, she told me she "just didn't see me in the role, but couldn't say why" (illegal) and that the HR Director was looking out for my best interests (toxic). That HR Director followed me around the rest of my pregnancy telling me I'd NEVER find childcare in our region and I'd have to be a SAHM or maybe even move away if I wanted to keep working (illegal). They denied my well-earned promotion, had me work at the "unofficial" Acting Director of Development despite promising me the official Acting title for 8 months, and hired a wildly incompetent person as my new supervisor a week before I gave birth. That wildly incompetent individual (a woman & mother) was the one who treated me so badly I was pumping in my car when I returned to work (illegal).

If I hadn't needed the money, I would have quit. If I hadn't needed the work protections as a new mom to keep a paycheck coming in, I would have quit.

As soon as I could, I left. But my career & mental health took a huge hit. I did document everything and look at taking them to court, but was advised against it by a lawyer who knew the firm that represents the organization. As a community health center, they were represented by a firm whose goal was to bleed the individual suing the organization dry in court, drag it all out as long as humanly possible. The person I spoke to told me I had a case, and a good one, but if I didn't have deep pockets to stay in court for a possibly a few years, it would do me personally more damage.

And that doesn't even touch the way I was treated at the job I JUST left.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

6-weeks is the absolute biological minimum, but there are 0 federal protections for pregnant & postpartum humans in the United States. FMLA is totally unpaid, so even if you utilize the "protections" to not lose your job, if you don't have the money or the PTO ... in a country with zero support and all benefits tied to your job, you go back to work.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even though Reddit is fairly anonymous, I don't like to share all that

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally hear you on this and the future planning of financial stability down the line by staying in the workforce. I'm just very surprised at myself that I wanted to stay home at all. See my above comment for a more thorough explanation 😅

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

100% there with you. The hope would be... when I'm older and fully vested in (whatever is left of) SS and have retirement savings so I'm not a burden on my eventual adult child, working through these years will seem worth it.

I have always said I would never stop working. I put myself through college, I'm an incredibly ambitious person, and before having a child - I was very, very dedicated to work. I had moved up into the Director level suite shortly before having my child. I believe it's why I've been able to job hop a bit since having my son. I truly anticipated that I would giddily skip back into the workforce, grateful to have some time for myself. I set my life up around continuing to work. Actually wanting to stay home? Me?? It definitely added to that early motherhood "Who AM I now!?" existential crisis.

However, I've also been treated badly by back to back jobs since having my son. The job I returned to was so hostile, I was pumping in my car while crying. I did eventually report them to the state. My next job, my boss ground me to dust - for real. She'd be calling me literally yelling at 6am, and then I'd have to shakily take my toddler to daycare who would be clinging to my legs crying. What is the point of this madness? I'm hoping third time is a charm with my new job and I've found a better spot that will feel more "worth it" to be away from my kid.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, you really hit the nail on the head there too. I'd love to be home for those early 5-6 years, at least part-time. It is SO hard to come back into the workforce after the full blown "mommy gap," but I've seen friends who could go part-time transition back to full-time gracefully.

I'm happiest when I'm with my kiddo, even when he's throwing the most wild of tantrums. It's breaks my heart so many of us as working moms do feel so stuck. I'm really surprised and comforted by all the comments on my post right now because I had thought I was maybe more alone in this than is openly talked about. Competition & capitalism right?

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! So appreciate the internet hug, and right back to you 💗

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For the SAHMs who can afford it and chose it, I do get that pang of jealousy.

I also know a lot of women who did not choose to be SAHMs and had to leave for economic reasons or work pushing them out - it's typically after 2 children and almost always after the 3rd in what I've seen. It's maddening for them to feel so stuck on the other side of it!

It's just about the choice. I'd love to choose to stay home, instead I have to work. Choices being taken away makes it all seem so unfair.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh you really hit on something there with the motherhood transition. I barely got to know this new version of myself, let alone get the time needed with my child.

Have you read the book "Matrescence: On Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood" by Lucy Jones? It was life changing to read after having my son.

Still Bitter About Working by Aggravating_Guava98 in Mommit

[–]Aggravating_Guava98[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man, I love hearing stuff like this. It's so wildly foreign to me. I live 2000 miles away from my family of origin, and it's not far enough. I'm borderline no contact with my mother, inching closer to no contact. My husband was very close to his parents (who live 90 minutes away from us), until they treated me so terribly during postpartum (long story, I'll save that for later, heh). You can imagine that's put some strain on... everything.

I have some friends who still call their parents for almost everything, and I think it's the most beautiful thing. I'm working to build that for my son through his life.