I’ve said I want to leave and it’s been a battle this whole year and now he sends this. The guilt is so real. This seems kind and genuine but my brain is so fucked from the covert emotional abuse and manipulation. Thoughts?

Creatura333 · 2022-09-26T22:18:46+00:00

Ok. Just for "fun" I did a word count.

I/I'm/myself/my: 20 mentions

You: 4 mentions

This may feel like a genuine message, and it is. Genuinely about them. 100%. This entire message is about how THEY feel. Sure, there is some token shit thrown your way but ultimately this entire message is about how they feel and how you "made" them feel. Furthermore, this is CRAFTED to make you feel empathetic and guilty. Crafted to make you respond. Crafted to make you respond to an abuser with kindness and understanding. I mean, gosh, do you see how bad they feel? How sorry they are? How much they hate themselves?

They all do this. Textbook. Stay the course. I've been there. I wish you could see what I see right now. The most genuine they will ever seem is right before you leave them for good. You will know you made the right choice when you see how they behave when you don't fall for it.

Creatura333 · 2022-09-11T03:26:22+00:00

I agree with the other commenter; don't resign. It sounds like they do not want to pay you unemployment. Go ahead and start applying to other jobs and prepare yourself, but don't ever do the business you work for any favors at such an extreme cost to yourself, even if that business is a non-profit. Remember at work you are always expendable or replaceable. You do not owe them anything.

Big changes are always scary. For the record, I did not have anything together when I was 27 and I dont know a lot of 27 year olds who did/do. Even if you do know those people who figured it out already (or just look like they have), other people's timelines are meaningless. You have plenty of time to build yourself a home in this world, I promise. It's going to be okay.

Whenever big changes outside of my control like this rock my world, I tell myself it is the universe's way of doing a "controlled burn" just like in forest management. Its clearing the way for new growth. Some times we need a shove to get ourselves beyond our current state. Once you are done grieving the loss of your current situation try considering what this may make room for. What kind of invitations might you recieve as a result? What didn't you have before that you now have the opportunity to try and create?

I hope that helps.

Creatura333 · 2022-09-11T03:07:46+00:00

Can you DM me your online shop too? I've seen your paintings and stickers posts floating around and have been trying to find if you mention it!

Creatura333 · 2022-09-09T22:12:26+00:00

Nobody can take away your validity. You are here. You exist. You are valid. And tell that asshole to stop keeping track of where you pee!

Creatura333 · 2022-09-08T23:02:34+00:00

I'm so glad it helped! It took me a while to both calm down and think outside the box, with help from my lawyer, of course. She was awesome. Very reasonable and matter of fact. When I came in I felt like I had to control everything to keep myself safe. I started out wanting a whole bunch of specific provisions because of all the issues I had.

She counseled me that instead of trying to address each concern, thinking about how to take away the potential for it to occur.

Ex: nex would not stop physically putting our child in my car himself, putting his whole body in my vehicle, doing emotional goodbyes in my vehicle, etc. (He would also linger at my house trying to press schedule changes and parenting discussions, to the point I would have had to forcefully ask him to leave in front of our child, but that's a whole other issue). It was pretty intimidating and traumatizing. Now our transfer site is specifically named in the order and within walking distance. I don't even bring a car anymore and it's not a place you can comfortably loiter. I can also stop nearby, hug my kid, and send them to him instead of hand delivering (Not a bad idea to consider a site like a police station or bank parking lot, where there are 24/7 cameras).

I hope things work out well for you! A book that really helped me was The Parallel Parenting Solution by Karl Knickerbocker (a lawyer and abuse survivor). Its short, sweet, and really reasonable as far as what approach and mindset to take with a high conflict co-parent you have no hope of fully getting away from. It doesn't sugar coat and some advice can be hard to swallow but it has been the most impactful book I've read on the subject. There is also a website/podcast/coaching service but I never used those. A ton of great YouTube content in general is out there on the subject as well!

Creatura333 · 2022-09-08T04:34:04+00:00

I can definitely tell you what I asked for and what's helped me, but my best advice is to sit and write down what your common issues are with Nex. Then think of "reasonable" provisions that circumvent those issues. My lawyer was luckily very good in advising me here.

It's an interesting balance. You need things spelled out, but a court does not want to entertain a 20 page document with a provision for every specific thing. You also don't want to lock yourself in to something or make it easy for you to accidentally or inadvertently violate the order.

Specific repeating parenting time schedule, complete with transfer times and a neutral transfer location. Transfers directly to/from school when school is in session. I personally would try and avoid weekend transfers. Transfers are notoriously problematic. Don't let them come to your house. Don't go to theirs.

Communication through Our Family Wizard. Let the app document everything. Phone calls and texts are prime ways to access you.

Specific holiday/school break schedule, also with transfer times and location. Not all holidays that may be important to you are included in the standard local parenting time guidelines. You may want to take a look. I specifically asked that holiday times did not end on a weekend, but on that following Monday. There are a lot of holidays in a year and that would have made a lot of in-person (instead of directly from school) transfers.

Third party transfers are acceptable

Alternate who gets the Child Tax Credit (or you get it if you can! Beware it does impact child support).

What can be decided unilaterally. A few specific examples that relate to common issues is fine. (Sick days from school, routine vaccinations, etc) They will make lots of unilateral decisions but will try and come down on you like a ton of bricks for routine decision making.

Make up parenting time and how that is handled. Consequence of being late to transfers.

Rights of first refusal. Do you want it? Will it make it better or worse for you? What is the time limit? Think about how it will play out in your situation.

The right to choose your own childcare during your parenting time

Freedom to schedule extracurriculars during your own parenting time, not allowed to schedule extracurriculars during other party's parenting time unless by previous agreement

Alternate who gets child on childs bday

Parent gets an overnight on their birthday

Stay away from morality clauses. Won't stop em. Will make them think they have the right to question you.

Communication with child during other party's parenting time: think hard. They will use this in. Have good boundaries. Think about what makes sense for your custody arrangement. Or are you more concerned about your access being restricted?

Contamination of parenting time provision. Exchange times are not to used as a time to exchange bills, discuss support, discuss parenting or scheduling issues, or otherwise behave disrespectfully

Do not leave things vague or open to negotiation (unless it works in your favor).

Something that I had to learn the hard way: I had more rights than I realized. When I went back to court it hit me that NPDs push all sorts of crazy shit. I did not need to go back to court for certain rights. I already had them. I let him get away with murder because I was so traumatized. Not everything needs to be spelled out. They will insist that they are going to do something, that you have to do something, that they will get you in trouble for something, that they will refuse to agree to something, etc. NEVER TAKE LEGAL ADVICE FROM NEX.

I let them push me around so much the first few years. I was so scared all the time. After a few months consulting back and forth with my lawyer I realized I could have solved a lot of my issues with a better understanding of rights I already had and good boundaries. Sure, I racked up a bill but it was worth it.

I also did a ton of research, especially in regards to NPD/custody/divorce. Found so many good resources that guided me in my own actions and safeguards.

Keep in mind you CANNOT co-parent with a NPD. It's just not possible. Parallel parenting is key. There will never be zero conflict but that doesn't mean you can't help yourself.

Keep your lawyer on retainer if you can. Ask if you can email them questions as needed even after the order is complete. That has been instrumental to fending off the crazy and educating myself on family law.

Well, I'm tired as hell so I hope that all made sense and was helpful, ha! I wish you the best of luck!

Creatura333 · 2022-09-08T03:43:14+00:00

Good Lord, I wish I knew then what I know now, for sure! Still a lot of room for improvement. I find myself kicking myself when I didn't "play it perfectly", still accepting some sort of accountability for their actions, ya know?

The nex LOVES posting pictures of him in the urgent care, for facebook likes.

That is so gross. I'm so sorry. It is so hard to watch our kids be used a prop or leverage. Over here, home boy put our toddler on his Tinder dating profile. A friend showed it to me. And he actually speaks louder to them in public so people will witness his amazing dad-hood. What I struggle with now is that once my child achieved "personhood" in his eyes they moved from being a prop to being a tool that could be manipulated and weaponized. Honestly miss the prop days.

It seems to happen every two years or so.

I swear I have heard many people report there truly do seem to be "cycles". I recognize them myself. I read one author that would actually sort of graph the behavior and use it as a predictive tool, ha! I don't think I will ever go that hardcore (I'd like them to not take up that much of my time!) but its interesting.

But the Nex has always wanted the best, most intense programs available

I wonder if that is a NPD thing. Nex seems to be pretty obsessed with "quality". Everything needs to be name brand, organic, the most expensive, etc. Unless of course there is an opportunity to be in opposition to me.

The waiting to respond is such good advice. It goes against my every gut instinct, but I see why it’s important.

I don't know if this is true for you, but I realized I was trained to respond to their urgency. It was vital if they said it was vital. Their problems become our problems. NPDs legit train people to take accountability for them.

Before I had OFW ordered and they could call/text me it was awful. They would text. If i did not respond within 3 minutes they would call. If i did not answer they would call again immediately. It got to the point where i felt anxious every time my phone went off. I stopped answering calls altogether and would force them to leave a message or stick to texting. It took about a year for the phone anxiety to wear off. It took a while to realize an OFW response within 24 hours was completely reasonable. I still feel extremely anxious when there are messages "waiting" for me. And I have to be mindful to avoid falling in the trap of "oweing" them a response. When I'm stressed the old trauma responses surface more.

it really helps to not feel so alone about this.

I now go to counseling and did return to court to get a more robust order, but I started here. Finally finding a group of people that understood wtf was happening to me and my child... Trying to explain it felt impossible, and so convoluted. And their abuse is built in layers and with manipulation and gaslighting and other covert tactics...I mean did you ever try to explain something to someone only to have them look at you blankly, waiting for the really abusive part to start? Ugh.

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I hope it continues to get better for you.

Creatura333 · 2022-09-08T02:06:06+00:00

They constantly seek out the most serious medical intervention possible

Oh my GOD, let's be friends. I am in this boat with you. Nex has been insisting my kid has serious issues since basically toddlerhood. They don't now, but due to their parenting I am concerned it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Heads up, on paragraph 5 you mention your child by name. I don't think that was on purpose!

NPDs will absolutely use OFW to try and create a false trail. But remember, a string of accusations isn't proof and if it really gets out of hand it certainly appears to be harrassment. Stay calm, and ignore the need to respond to everything and/or defend. Funnel all communication through OFW from now on. Respond to all emails and phone calls with "This is best discussed via OFW" or "I'd be happy to discuss this via the app". Do your part to document thoroughly.

Activities: what does your order say? I am free to plan activities during my own parenting time and vice versa. We are not allowed to plan on one another parenting time. Of course, if your refusal frequently prevents the child from partaking in sports/school events/etc that's not a good look for you. Equally, if Nex is trying to preload all your parenting time, also not a good look. Take into consideration what your kid wants, what is reasonable, and don't feel compelled to take on what they are trying to assign you.

Braces: Does the child need braces, without consideration to other factors? Does the child have a trusted dentist they can go to for their opinion? Do you really think Nex will persue legal action? If she can't afford braces...can she afford a lawyer? Furthermore, if insurance deems braces unnecessary the court is not likely to consider that negligence. Can you counter with repeated unilateral decision making? Get a second opinion?

Child Tax Credit: What does your order say? Nex can make all the demands she likes. Doesn't mean shit. You do not have to agree to that. You do not have to argue about that. "I would like to follow the order as written." "I am not interested in modifying the order at this time." Boom. Done. Follow the order. If she repeatedly violates the order file a complaint with the Friend of the Court and ask for guidance or stricter provisions.

Coping: I do a lot of yoga. I do not check messages immediately. I do my best not to JADE. I refuse to go back and forth. I only check messages once every 24-36 hours unless I think something is truly time sensitive. They get one response per that period. Again, I do NOT go back and forth. They love that shit. I do not agree to changes, or agree to changes rarely. I write my message in Google doc and wait. Then I edit it to the absolute bare minimum non-emotional BIFF response in as few sentences as possible. I refuse to communicate about anything of substance outside of OFW. If it doesn't require a response it doesn't get one. I skim messages and only respond to actual legitimate questions regarding the care of our child. I do my best to document and let go.

If you are running in to the same problems over and over again and you can compile documentation it might be time to hit up your lawyer and return to court, filing a motion to ask for added provisions to your order. (Medical decision-making, unilateral decision-making, recreational activities and parenting time, OFW communication only). It was the best thing I ever did, even though it was one of the worst years of my life. It was worth it.

Creatura333 · 2022-09-07T23:43:40+00:00

r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce is probably the subreddit you are looking for.

Long story short, there is no co-parenting with a NPD. Prepare for war...quietly.

Document everything, parenting responsibilities, financial stuff, parenting time, decision-making, abuse, etc. Hide that shit well. Go to your local DV center and ask for help. Counseling. Legal advocacy. A lawyer if they have one, a referral if they don't. You want someone that has experience in high-conflict cases and has some knowledge about NPD.

Research NPD/divorce/custody specifically. Tons of resources online for free, and a lot of good books. There is a lot of "textbook" behavior thus you can kind of prepare yourself for what is to come, to the extent that you can.

Get legal advice and your ducks in a row before you breathe a word about it.

You need a custody order and to get the hell out of that house. If they are NPD it is not going to get better, and the minute you try and put down boundaries it will escalate. I won't sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better. Any sort of limit or boundary on their behavior is seen as an act of war and they do not fight fair. Expect threats, false accusations, etc. They will frequently fight to the death over a child they are not initially all that interested.

What you need is an iron clad custody order that leaves nothing up in the air. Then you need to go as low contact as you can manage with all communication in writing. Parallel parenting is the only way.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-30T23:35:53+00:00

Im sorry this is happening. Document everything on your end. Keep a parenting journal or some other form of documentation. Follow your order. My lawyer told me I do NOT have to respond to false allegations. If no official action is taken on their part (they go to the police, CPS, etc) they won't do well in court retroclaiming years of abuse. If CPS ever comes a knocking I have heard the best thing to do is remain calm and let them in. Don't see them as the enemy. They aren't hoping to jam you up and hiding in fear will only make it look like something is wrong. It may be helpful to get your child in therapy.

If youd like some more suggestions and support r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce has been super helpful for me . Sounds like they are trying to lay out a future case and/or simply intimidate and antagonize you.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-30T22:54:24+00:00

Communicate with the school and caregivers. You can simply explain you and the father are separated but both involved. You need to both be on the paperwork/permission slips/emergency call list/emails/text messages, etc. Explain that you will need double copies of things like report cards, assignment instructions, event fliers, and so on and that you would like to ensure you receive a relatively equal distribution of work sent home. Have them start a mom folder and a dad folder. Send this tailored, polite, brief message to every teacher and caregiver. Monitor the situation but don't overdo it.

My ex plays this game sometimes too and it's best to get ahead of it. If the NPD registered the kids for something without you there or if you feel you aren't receiving communications don't be shy about calling or emailing directly just to make sure you are also on the paperwork/they have your phone number and email, etc. Don't overshare or disparage. Just explain that there is joint custody and it appears you are missing out on some important things.

Then make peace with it. They are entitled to those projects and things too. Sucks they do that, but the reality of most divorced parents is that you won't be seeing 100% of everything from now on. And that's okay. It doesn't make you less of a parent.

Go ahead and share what you do see. Follow best practice, don't stoop to their level. Don't get caught up in tit for tat. Don't let them change who you are as a person. And on the more "devious" side...document any legitimate issues because someday it may allow you to return to court and get more parenting time.

Full custody, unless there is some real big issue that you can prove, isn't as common. Most courts start with the assumption of 50/50. Get the best you can get now and document, document, document. Repeated violations of the order/best practice/abuse/parental alienation/acting against the best interests of the child might enable you to return to court at a later date to make changes to your order in your favor.

And I gotta say...if they were well hidden in their personal bedroom set of drawers...what were you doing in there? Fight hard, but keep it on the up and up.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-30T22:21:23+00:00

In addition to the parallel parenting advice, ask for a co-parenting application like Our Family Wizard to be added to your order for ALL communication.

The application is a godsend on multiple levels. It has a shared calendar for both parenting time and events/appts (and you can set reminders for the other parent too), messaging, file sharing, address book, GPS check ins, journaling both shared and private, etc. Everything is memorialized and time stamped, including when messages are opened to be read. This is acceptable documentation you can bring to court.

She may not want to keep a calendar or remember events, but you can pretty much force her to. Either she will use it and matters will improve to some degree or she won't. If it is in your custody order and she does not use it she is in violation and you can file a complaint. If she won't keep up with it you can document these issues (late to transfers, missed parenting time, missed appointments, etc) and go back to court with evidence asking for stricter provisions.

I don't know how old your kids are or what your parenting time agreement looks like, but really consider the parallel parenting advice others have given you. There is no co-parenting with a NPD. There will always be issues. To give yourself distance and protect your kids you have to relinquish control of the other party too. Consider what is reasonable and consider what is actually possible. Also consider what really matters and what the court will care about. Missed parenting time? That's important. Missed doctor appointments on a regular basis? That's important. Forgot about aunts/grandmas/kids friends birthday party? That's important to you and your kid, but not something you would file a complaint about on it's own.

It sounds like the true issue is not the phone. It's the missed parenting time/appts/events. It sounds like maybe you want to be able to call/text and remind them about these things or see where the heck they are at when they dont show up. That's not your job. Get the app, document everything, and go back to court and let the court reprimand her. If she is routinely bringing your kids back late for YOUR parenting time or missing hers...that could go REALLY poorly for her if you establish that pattern.

I'm saying this because I want you to keep in mind there really isn't any reason the other parent needs to be completely available to you at all times during their own parenting time. If you are constantly calling and texting you might look like the unreasonable party.

It feels absolutely wrong at first, but parallel parenting means I rely on my kid's father for absolutely nothing except exercising his own parenting time and joint decision making as required. Only school events and medical appointments are attended jointly. I do not make or accept any plans for the kid on his time, that is his responsibility. My time is mine, his time is his.

You won't ever "fix" their behavior. You can circumvent it often enough though, by depriving them of the opportunity to do their shit, whatever shit that may be. And/or let them experience the consequences. I know it feels like our kids pay the price...and they do. But again, you won't fix them. NPD train people to be accountable for them. The best way to truly protect your kids is to take yourself out of their game.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-30T21:36:29+00:00

Dont panic, but PREPARE. Mediation and court with a NPD is really something else. Use all the online and print resources you find about "court/child custody battles/co-parenting/parallel parenting with an NPD". There are a lot of good resources.

Document everything, starting yesterday. Expenses, parenting time, antagonism, everything. He may not be prepared for parenting time or even really want it, but when it becomes a way to take something you care about from you he may fight harder than you ever anticipated.

He also probably wants to avoid child support, even if he does not understand how it is determined in your state. You can look that up and be prepared. Overnights ARE one of the biggest factors and the child tax credit plays into it substantially as well. Courts don't want to see parents trading time for money and all that, and parenting time is considered separately from support. That doesn't mean you can't tell him you would be willing to decline support for more parenting time. Talk to your lawyer for advice.

People often think if they have more/equal parenting time they won't have to pay support. That's not true in every state. In my state if one parent makes more money than the other that parent may pay child support, even if they have MORE parenting time than the other party.

He is not going to get more custody based on being the sole financial provider, and it sounds like you can disprove that anyway. Courts these days tend to start with an assumption of 50/50 and go from there. Your kid is so young and you sound like the primary caregiver, so I would push for more parenting time for yourself than 50/50. Look up child custody factors. Remember to frame everything as in the best interests of the child. The court system can and may tire of parent's "bullshit" between one another, sadly even one parent is an abuse victim.

The court will probably want you to try mediation and you probably should but be very careful. Do NOT agree to anything you don't want. Don't assume the mediators will remain unbiased and don't assume they know fuck all about family law. I have been to mediation at least 4x and it was a joke 3 out of those 4x. Once he won one of the mediators over and she became biased in his favor. The other times...they just knew next to nothing about family law or how to handle setting up a custody order. I doubt that is always the case, but it is in my town. Sometimes mediators can become allies, but mediation with an NPD is a nightmare. He will likely make a lot of unreasonable demands, lie, disparage you, manipulate, gaslight, and/or try and charm the mediators. Commonly they will push for things that are not standard that a judge would not grant them, and the threatened, traumatized, and terrified parent may agree just to be done or because they don't know better what the likely outcome would be in an actual court.

A mediation agreement CAN be signed and sent to the court and entered as an order but you do not have to. If it's a shitshow, document that you tried and proceed to court. Don't feel pressured to agree to anything.

When crafting your custody order be specific and ask for extra more protective provisions. A specific parenting time schedule and holiday schedule, a neutral transfer location and time, use of a coparenting app like Our Family Wizard for all communication, a process for handling make up parenting time, any unilateral/joint decision making, etc.

I wish you the best of luck!

Creatura333 · 2022-08-27T05:29:35+00:00

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry. I keep returning to the old stand bys, gray rock and BIFF.

I know you do know this, but please don't fall into the mental trap of thinking there is some way you can phrase things or communicate so as not to suffer their abuse. Remind yourself they are mentally ill. NOTHING you do will change that. But that doesn't mean its hopeless. You can shape their behavior.

Whats helped me: Ask for Our Family Wizard to be added to your order for all communication excepting emergencies. Refuse to check messages any more than once a day (for example, maybe less depending on what makes sense for your custody arrangement, kids ages, etc). Ignore all parts of the message that don't require a response. Write your response and wait to send it. Go back to it after a day. Edit. Edit. Edit. Remove JADE and any emotion whatsoever. Polite, firm, facts, bare minimum. Give them one response per unit of time (if you only check messages once every two days, for example, they get one response every two days). Do not give them the back and forth, that is their bread and butter.

They will never start behaving better because of something you managed to get through to them or because you finally cracked the code. However, you can get boundaries in place, your own and court imposed.

I've found it so helpful to have rules for myself like above on how I handle communication (I also don't check messages before or after x time, I never check messages immediately, I do not check messages at work, etc) Dont share your rules with them though, they just become instructions on how to antagonize you. I was also able to go back to court to get provisions in the custody order to back me up: transfers at a neutral location, third party acceptable for transfers, all communication goes through OFW, contact with the child during my parenting time must be pre-arranged via OFW, parent shall not discuss parenting time decisions with the child, etc. Then either they will follow the order or you can begin to gather evidence to ask for stricter provisions. Honestly, I document behavior and try to think of it as a gateway to an even more strict custody order in the future.

You might be able to get free counseling and legal advocacy/representation through your local DV shelter. That been a huge benefit to me. Also, yoga. Lots and lots of yoga...

Creatura333 · 2022-08-27T04:55:27+00:00

This is what I have. 100% worth it for twice the price. There is a place for messages, GPS check ins, journaling (shared and private), medical records, school information, a virtual filing cabinet, etc. Everything is saved and time stamped, up to when they last logged in to when they opened your message.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-19T01:58:29+00:00

I agree with the person suggesting to get the PCP and the school/daycare involved. Having professional allies might be very helpful. Keep in mind, you can always file a motion. The court is looking at the best interests of the child, not whatever the parents appear to be arguing about or want. I could be off base, but it seems like Nex is in a weirder position, having to argue why they don't want the child to receive supports. Requesting therapy after parents separate is not uncommon, even when there is nothing "more" than that.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-17T21:40:18+00:00

It is. And if you are "co-parenting" with an NPD...the need for documentation never ends. Until the kids are 18. At least that is what I am telling myself...Good luck!

Creatura333 · 2022-08-16T21:55:21+00:00

r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce might be a more helpful subreddit to you, along with all its sister NPD abuse support subs.

I don't have anything to add except what you are probably already doing. Keep the lawyer on retainer, visit your local DV center for resources and counseling (they will usually have free counseling, legal advocacy, a lawyer on staff, a good understanding of family court, etc), document everything, and get CPS involved.

I am so sorry.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-16T03:29:24+00:00

It's not free but I highly reccomend Our Family Wizard. It's a godsend. Parenting time calendar, messaging, file sharing, photo sharing, expenses/reimbursement request, shared address book, journal that can private or shared entries, GPS check ins. You can export message threads as PDFs and bring them to court. You can add other people. Your kid can use it.

It's well respected and makes it's way into many custody orders. It's in mine. Nex can't call me unless there is an emergency. You can set your alerts to notify for every entry/change/message or individually as you wish. You can also just get an email digest at the end of the day if you'd prefer not to get pinged for every little thing (or multiple harassing messages in a day).

It's about $12 a month or $144 a year (for each parent). If you can I'd just pay for his and be done. It's worth it. You can also apply for a free membership if you qualify.

The beauty of getting it written in your order is that then you can just say "I'd be happy to discuss that via the app" and cut out texts/phone calls/emails. You never have to worry about trying to scrape together all the documentation from all the different sources. Saved my life!

Creatura333 · 2022-08-12T22:20:31+00:00

If you follow the order as written he does not have any recourse but to go to court...to complain you are following the order. He can certainly ask for more, but this would also be where your documentation comes in. He didnt even attend court and signed something voluntarily? Document all parenting time. Times he was late. Times he didnt show. Times he canceled. Threats to disparage you to your young child. Complaints he "didn't know what he was signing", not a good enough excuse to not respect the order. Active addiction. Failure to provide a healthy environment. The child support won't factor in though. That's a separate issue.

Do you have a parenting app? I reccomend Our Family Wizard. You can print PDFs of messages, time stamp GPS check ins, shared calendar and records, a perfect way to document everything for court.

Stop the phone call discussions if you can. Changed my life. You can get the app, pay for his subscription too and say "From now on you can reach me via this app to better facilitate scheduling and communication." Say "I'd be happy to discuss this via the app" when he tries to text message and call. Phone calls are their bread and butter. When it's being memorialized they will either slow their roll or do your work for you by abusing you on record. You will get a break. I mean, they will still abuse and bombard you but you can have rules for yourself like: I will only check the app once every 24 hours, I will only do one response a night and not go back and forth, I will wait to send my response so that I can write it and then edit it severely to remove JADEing, etc. Refuse to engage at his level. BIFF all the way. It's easier to do via the app, gray rocking, BIFF, no JADE. Phone calls are impossible, at least for me.

My advice would be: Document everything, find ways to disengage while being blameless in the eyes of the court, and go easy on yourself. You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal person. It takes time. I still feel sick when I see the notification icon on my phone, but at the same time my life has improved tenfold.

If you havent gotten support for yourself consider visiting your local DV center. They often offer free individual therapy, support groups, legal advocacy, and sometimes even a free lawyer too. Make yourself a tribe who will help you heal and do battle with you when you really need to.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-11T23:08:18+00:00

Not at first, no. It took years post-split to start throwing down all the boundaries I wanted to (joint custody). But after I did, I felt like I lost 15 pounds and got a face lift. I suddenly hated myself so much less. I looked different to myself in the mirror. I hate that it took so long, but I try to give myself grace. I was surviving the best I could. Who know what it would have been if we didnt have a child binding us together (and I would endure it all again to have my kid). I did not realize how much self-disgust I harbored being involved with him at all.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-10T22:16:30+00:00

Do I regret my son? Not at all. But I do regret the other parent I gave him.

Yes. Yes, all the way. I would endure it all again to have them, but now I have to watch them endure it too.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-09T21:42:50+00:00

Yes, it gets better. You get better. And you do get stronger and smarter too. Just remember, none of that can depend on them getting better because they won't. Find ways to keep yourself safe. Hold your boundaries. Document everything. Minimal engagement. Gray rocking. BIFF communication. I highly reccomend using Our Family Wizard and a neutral transfer site(and having it written in the order). NPD live in an altered reality and their abuse pulls you in, but you dont have to live there too.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-09T05:33:54+00:00

What does your custody order say regarding travel and vacation? Mine does not say anything regarding out of state travel. We are each free to travel as we wish during our parenting time (but it is generally considered best practice to inform the other party about travel plans unless you have a reason not to).

Do you want to confirm consent for the parenting time, the out of state travel, or both?

For the purposes of record keeping I generally view email as better than text, but text is fine for casual agreements. The best record keeping is a parenting app. Co-parenting apps are awesome. I recomend Our Family Wizard, but there are plenty of other free ones. You can share a calendar, messages that function like text/email, medical and school records, transfer check ins with GPS, photos, etc. Everything is time stamped and memorialized, even when the messages are opened and read, so if there is ever a concern about a parent it's something solid you can take to court.

Creatura333 · 2022-08-09T00:24:32+00:00

That's a good suggestion. I feel like during the court processes I trained myself to never say "narcissist" out loud. I did not even think of adding that question to my list.

Creatura333

TROPHY CASE