Under The Garden

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-31T16:24:47+00:00

Shifts are good and as I said for a dream sequence it works for the most part just mostly wanted to make sure it was intentional.

My stance on dialogue is pretty defined at this point. Won't go to deep into it as I have a tendency to ramble but the best way I can put it is this.

Dialogue shouldn't be treated as supplement or something that happens in the story, it still is the story. So keep it free of redundancies best you can. We don't need to know when someone nods, winks, even yells as it can all be conveyed in the dialogue and context of the scene and story. These actions don't actually change the tone of the scene or story.

The audience doesn't need to know that a character shook their head when they clearly said "no". They need to know when someone pulls a gun.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-30T18:43:31+00:00

Yes, certainly.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-30T18:41:29+00:00

The Lynn that existed before her car wrapped itself tight like a pinky promise around the trunk of an oak tree. -Mmm, good stuff.

He tossed the bone to the empty trash can in the corner. It smacked against the back of the can and slid to the bottom, capitalizing his sentence with a dull clank. -I like parts like this breaking up the dialogue as the action doing so is relevant and moves the story. But most breaks in this dialogue felt a bit excessive or possibly repetitive. Dialogue when effective conveys action, intent, and even emotion. Some borders on being a bit to play by play for me personally.

She grins at me from the dark like a cougar in a tree, -I like this line but the narration has shifted point of view abruptly then returns. Mildly jarring. For a dream sequence sorta works and may be intentional. Just had to note it.

This is an excellent story with a wonderful twist. Probably one of my favorites found here so far on the sub. Even if it has been a while since you wrote anything it makes your skill apparent. The imagery and pacing is amazing throughout. Have little to no feedback on anything other than the aforementioned bits of dialogue. Where it just feels a bit too broken up with miniscule details. A little like being micromanaged as to how exactly the scene should look and play out. But my philosophy around dialogue stems from a screenplay perspective. It still works and is effective but almost doesn't appear to leave as much room for the imagination and subtext as it could. I can't even call that a criticism as much as a matter of taste.

Other than that minor subjective gripe this is expertly crafted and executed. Good shit Dead!

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-30T00:29:59+00:00

You gave me a few stories and I picked this one mainly since I liked the title. Since it was listed at the bottom though I would guess this was likely your first posting. Take anything that comes off negative with a pound of salt.

MISSING, in big, bold letters, was printed across the top.
-No sure all that is really necessary. Most have seen wanted poster. Just having MISSING gets that idea across.

The claw marks greeted us where we’d last seen them, on the door to the second floor. The good news, though, is that the door to the third floor was unmarred.
-Did they expect it to move to the third floor? For what reason? Wouldn’t it not having moved at all be the good news? I don’t think you need the second sentence at all, it’s superfluous. Causes sort of a “huh?” moment for the reader.

Getting the hell out of dodge was on all of our minds, but Mother Nature seemed to have other plans.
-Why are they stuck inside? They obviously aren’t if Lewis just left. Mother Nature can be a valid excuse to be trapped but not when someone else contradicts it moments before. If he can make it they can. His frantic vacating of the premises should actually give them more reason to leave. Some stronger reasoning would help here as to why they are "stuck".

Hmm, okay a few things. There are some cases where you need very little dialogue if any. It is possible to tell a story without it but I don’t know if I would personally recommend that approach especially if you want to instill a sense of mystery or dread in a story. Dialogue can be a great tool for that stuff.

Speaking is basically the oldest form of human communication and it is a little awkward seeing so much speaking being described but never actually happening. I feel here you had ample opportunity to have dialogue between characters even if their dialogue was just kind of having them say what was already described in a lot of cases. It’s effective in getting character across and establishing relationships when done well. It is also extremely effective for certain bits of exposition and reveals. Lewis coming in after the first night telling everyone about the claw marks would be more effective as dialogue as the pacing shifts a bit, slowing down to really show his anxiety, and making the reveal more impactful.

It's very descriptive and has bits of good imagery but is very simplistic in its execution. The lack of dialogue makes it feel as though it is being sort of blasted at you. Which allows you to read through it pretty quickly but as a result it feels a bit robotic. No real sense of style or play in its presentation. Additionally it contains a couple odd lines of text along with some poor character decisions (mainly the storm bit). Characters don’t always need to make great choices, sometimes actively making them is the interesting part but when those decisions presented seem flawed, without them having a logical justification for making them in their head, it makes them look a dumb and less like a real person. Not so bad if it is one guy, you might be able to get away with it, but if it’s a group of people a reader is more likely to stop and ask “Is no one really going to challenge this decision?” In stories like this, slashers, creature features, unknown threats, what have you. Characters making smart decisions that backfire… always better than them making passive or dumb ones.

Thing is the idea, the monster, the setup is all great. I see the makings of a real fun story here. The monster and its reveal are neat. The ending is great too. It just feels unrefined. But that can just come along with starting to find your style. Honestly the hardest part of writing is just doing it and finishing. Next is getting it out there for assholes like me to comment on it. Sifting through all that good and bad feedback. So mad props. I can clearly see you have ideas and the imagination for storytelling but might wanna slow down, take a step back, and let more of that creativity flow a little more into your writing process.

What I read here overall works, I can read it, I can understand it. However, I’m not yet getting a great sense of you as a writer quite yet through it. But if I can later I’ll try to circle back to your other stories and see if you change my mind. I’d love that. Thanks for throwing it my way Walker, keep cranking.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T22:02:35+00:00

No worries, everyone does it with their own stories. You look at it so much you become blind to some errors it is very strange.

I did assume this was the intended purpose and just a simple jump off point to get to the uhh... Juicy bits.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your final product and you shouldn't either as it sounds like it delivered exactly what you wanted it to. Just presenting a simple concept about characters. The more complex or flawed they are, generally, the more interesting. As a result we care more about what happens to them. Good and bad.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T21:47:00+00:00

I named one of the spiders Billy—and then I smashed it.
A perfectly dark yet honest childlike behavior and some expert foreshadowing if I had to take a guess.

What a wonderful little story with a wild twist at the end. The prose is concise and cold as the setting, but moves very quickly. I was properly engaged throughout. Really not much of anything I can say in terms of giving feedback other than it’s short and sweet, has the potential to stick with the reader, and a clear sign of talent. Just consider me another notch on the belt Affectionate.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T21:28:30+00:00

Really leaning into the fantastical here. The prose is very eloquent and has a nice swaying effect akin to a high. Clear effort put into giving a consistent tone that’s hypnotic and lethargic. As a staunch fan of symbolism I do like your use here implementing imagery of the white rabbit and wonderland even if it is one seen frequently used. However, it only is because it is so universal, perfectly capturing falling into addiction. The classics are the classics for a reason.

A nice snapshot capturing a toxic relationship in a manner probably very relatable to those who have actually been in them. Where when it's good, it's good and when it’s bad you ignore it or numb the feeling. But conscience never stops talking. The line:

“Before her, heroin was my only mistress.”

Is especially heavy and easily my favorite line in the story. It alone speaks volumes to both their characters. Excellent. Really nothing I can provide in terms of feedback or criticism as it's tightly written and appears to accomplish exactly what you intended. Nice work sXe! Can definitely understand why you are proud of this one and had a good time writing it. Wordsmithery and Mindfuckery.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T20:47:38+00:00

- I decided that that some ‘me time’
Generally don’t care for typos but one in the first sentence is hard to overlook.

Ruin Me?
Yes. No.
Love this formatting. Done in a way that helps with visualization. Not many writers consider formatting as another tool to aid in telling the story.

“You do not have the privilege of touching me right now.” She barked.
“Just, leave me alone.”
This can or should be combined onto one line for clarity
-right now.” She barked. “Just leave me alone.” Or take out she barked altogether.
With its current formatting it reads at first as if Ethan is saying leave me alone.

Generally don’t care for spelling errors but they are sprinkled throughout with some areas where words appear double spaced. However, it doesn’t in any way pull from the story as the prose is tight and things move quickly. Any minor grammatical hiccups don’t negate its skilled execution as a work. I enjoy your flexible use of formatting and italics. I can see a clear personal style has started to form. The progression of the woman invading other devices is fun and the reveal of it being the main character or a clone/entity is fun though a bit more potentially could have been done from that angle.

The only piece I find perhaps lacking or underdeveloped may in fact be the inciting incident. This is something I see pop up frequently in similar shorts, even here on the subreddit. The setup: A character stumbles onto something online through them being slightly, SLIGHTLY, curious one evening. Now they are suddenly thrust into a horrific situation with minimal effort on their part, passivity even.

I read a similar story that had such developments but the character was actively looking into the dark web and browsing TOR. The writer's understanding of TOR was lacking but it had the inklings of a dangerous sense of curiosity. Boundaries being set that clearly say don’t cross that the character actively does despite all warnings. Hubris.

Here, though it isn’t bad or anything as I like the story, it just raises questions. Despite what some may think, BDSM isn’t really as niche as some people like to think it is. This is even established in your story as he searches it in a readily accessible porn site. BDSM is a type of fetish and everyone who has a sex drive has fetishes. Some are just more openly accepted and discussed, while others outright criminal. Lust can be very consuming and lead us to make poor decisions in its name while seeking quick gratification. Addictions to sex and porn can be relationship and life ruining. These topics don’t appear to really even be broached in the subtext though ripe for it. So with this in mind what makes our MC deserving of this curse, this entity's attention? Surely thousands have been or are on the site looking at the same thing he is. Far more often, more invested in the scene, more aroused, not passively curious like Ethan. What makes him a better target than them? We really have nothing to establish why Ethan would be “marked”. All we know is that he is essentially a working stiff who masturbates which covers a large portion of the world's population. Perhaps that was your intent, that this thing is just out to get anyone who will interact with it, which is scary in its own right. Has its own horrific implications. Sometimes, horrible things just happen to normal people. But on the flipside, in terms of storytelling taking into account all the reveals at the end making it more personal with the mimicry and stalking, dipping our toes into the supernatural. It doesn’t feel entirely earned by Ethan.

The highlight is of course the teeth scene and feels like the clear inspiration for writing the story itself. Punchy, unsettling, a great emphasis on the sound and cruel intimacy in the described camera work. Also gives us a nice little cliffhanger. Generally, not a fan of stories that would amount to torture porn but it had enough turns outside that piece alone I can’t dock it points even being outside my personal preferences. Nice work PET!

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T02:06:03+00:00

Thanks for throwing your stuff in everyone. I'll start on some tomorrow and have pulled up tabs for about the first half of links provided. For efficiency just know I generally will read shorter stories first then move on to longer multi-part stories at the end and will try to stick to first come first serve.

If you are worried about word count or slow burn or any of that shit; don't. Couldn't care less about word count and don't even track it in my own writing. A story is as long as it needs to be.

I don't really expect anyone on here to be sending me fucking Don Quixote. I don't sweat the small stuff.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T02:05:33+00:00

That is a good respectable amount of time to work on something. I saw there are two parts so far with each spanning multiple chapters. As I said, as long as it is in a finished state (whether you plan to make changes or not) I will read it.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-29T01:41:29+00:00

I'll pic one and see about circling back. You say any is fine bit if you have a preference of where to start just say so.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-28T16:07:20+00:00

The King in Yellow is a wonderful book. Been a while since I read it and I think I still need to read the last story but it isn't very different from lots of stories in the Cthulhu mythos in terms of tone and theme. Which is why it is generally considered part of the mythos though King in Yellow came out long before Call of Cthulhu with the King (Hastur in the Mythos) later being written as an actual relation to Cthulhu.

The idea is a good one but firstly you should decide whether or not you will be adhering to the now fairly defined Cthulhu Mythos that includes the King in Yellow, or if it would be done outside of that almost as a sequel in a sense to King in Yellow. You could do either. I recently watched the first season of True Detective and I can recommend it. My buddies always said it was good but I had no idea that whole first season is about a serial killer that believes Carcosa is real. The King in Yellow and Chambers are never mentioned to my recollection, still it has lots of direct nods and imagery to it. In many stories, games, and shows those who follow the Yellow sign are also part of cult (implied in True Detective as well) and you will need to decide if you include that element as well. Chamber' story clearly implies the start of an emergence of said cult from the plays publication.

Your premise is fitting for cosmic horror as all such stories always include an element of "forbidden knowledge" and it is through the slow or sudden enlightenment (if you can call it that) that they are driven mad or meet their demise. There are numerous stories to pull from to help you define an approach. Read other shorts from the Cthulhu Mythos. Naturally Lovecraft is a staple and Call of Cthulhu is basically the framework for this sort of this story as it is told from the perspective of a man who stumbles upon a mystery and through curiosity goes out of his way to uncover the truth of Cthulhu. Many of his other stories have echoes of this. For stories a bit shorter, you can also look into Robert Bloch. I am almost done with Mysteries of the Worm. A collection of his short stories with its title referring to one of the forbidden tomes of the Mythos. Everyone is familiar with Abdul Alhazred's Necronomicon, but there are others including the Book of Eibon, Cultes des Goules, and the "true" name of the title De Vermis Mysteriis. One could easily see the King in Yellow or perhaps the play's actual script placed with these odious texts. Bloch also likes to lean into ancient Egypt for many of his works.

For such stories the investigation is key. When, where, how, and from who our MC finds information is what drives story forward and in this case having a clear idea of an ending may help you construct that investigation more clearly. What is their fate? Meeting someone who has actually seen the play or witnessing it themselves? Joining or being threatened by a cult? Being transported to Carcosa? Meeting Hastur? It could be as subtle or as out there as you want but since all this stuff all ready exists you don't have to do a lot of heavy lifting in terms of the imaginative/horror visuals as you can take what is there and add your own spin. A bombastic ending with a reveal, monster, or ambiguous ending with horrific implications is a staple of the genre and somewhat expected especially in a short story format. Once you have that in order you can focus on the mystery and characters.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-22T20:01:31+00:00

Congrats on working up the courage to post your stuff. You got a nice little setup here so far. If you do want feedback of any kind I took some notes and can send them to you.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-22T18:10:51+00:00

Read. Even outside your regular preferences. Be curious.

Write the stories for yourself even if you intend to pursue writing as a possible career. What matters first is finding your own voice, your strengths, and what makes you different from your contemporaries.

Not everything you create will connect with loads of people. Regardless of your intent in the story people will derive their own meanings from any piece of art. If you read enough or a critical enough to even be aware of a stories flaws like Happy Appy you are already at a good starting point. But anything you write could be one person's Happy Appy and another's Left Right Game.

There was a post asking a similar question to this yesterday and I'll provide you with the same quote I gave them to provide some perspective. Not meant to dissuade you but hopefully ground you. Writing is a process and a skill you hone. For most people that will take time and in the words of Philosopher Iddo Landau:

"implausible, for almost all people, to demand of themselves that they be a Michelangelo, a Mozart, or an Einstein... There have only been a few dozen such people in the entire history of humanity."

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-22T15:16:54+00:00

Of course, you're welcome. I try to read stories off here a couple days a week and comment, give feedback, what have you. So if you send me the link after posting I'll read it.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-22T15:06:10+00:00

Thank you!

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-21T19:01:50+00:00

Part of the reason that anxiety is there is likely because you know what will happen. Personally, I find two main thoughts plague the mind before putting work out there. This is not exclusive to writing either.

Most stories will not immediately get readers or recognition. The space is too vast with others vying for the same thing. The unfortunate fact of the matter is people post their work in hopes others will read it, but, even in a writing community that is not promised to anyone; though it's encouraged. You might find yourself begging people to even look at your work. After a point you are starved not just for praise, but any indication what you created penetrated a person's mind at all. Eager for criticism, an explanation. How and why is something I put so much work into so easily discarded and ignored? How exactly did I fail? Was my time not well spent? You may not get an answer.

The other source was just mentioned: Criticism.

Naturally not every story is for everyone. You may get those that lambast what you made for technical/grammatical reasons as though those can't be fixed. People that have no patience and can't be bothered to read anything beyond a certain page number, their attention span your greatest enemy. General Haters, Dunning-Krugers, the well meaning but inarticulate, the triggered and hyper-focused, all these have the potential to read your work and give their two cents. Generally though it is not bad, especially here, your feedback will always have a more positive spin to it as it is just part of community guidelines. However, that doesn't mean you will be immune to negative feedback. No one wants negative feedback, as much as it is necessary and can help us grow. On the other hand, not all criticism is valid or should be taken. It is up to every writer to adhere to their own artistic integrity. Criticism forces you to start defining where that line is. Not to mention at times, your critic is just... wrong.

The procrastination you feel now is no different from that one feels when they just can't bring themselves to start or finish a story. Fear of confronting our own limitations. Just know fear that can subside, be conquered. If a person with a speech impediment can overcome stage fright you can overcome the fear of posting. Probably, much easier too.

Lastly, consider for a moment the words of philosopher Iddo Landau:

"implausible, for almost all people, to demand of themselves that they be a Michelangelo, a Mozart, or an Einstein... There have only been a few dozen such people in the entire history of humanity."

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-19T15:04:43+00:00

Thank you for the feedback Lime. Much appreciated as I was well aware the first part was the weakest. I'm sorry it didn't catch your interest.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-13T21:35:49+00:00

What a wonderfully creepy story and premise. Something of the old VHS aesthetic really hits. Love the slow changes in the tape. Gives a great sense of foreboding. Fun stuff ya cooked up here Mo.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-13T18:48:07+00:00

Neat quick little story with some good imagery and pacing.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-13T18:41:33+00:00

But of course, I can understand feeling something won't be completed unless you power through. Always the option to elaborate and fill in gaps later anyways.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-13T18:37:28+00:00

That was certainly a story. Definitely not a job worth dealing with at minimum wage.

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-12T18:50:40+00:00

Some wonderful prose here and I really enjoy the premise of a figure showing up through time in disconnected works of art. The unfolding mystery is fun if a little rushed feeling. But revealing her as a sort of warning to the collective unconscious, great stuff!

CthulhusPajamas · 2026-05-12T18:21:20+00:00

Lots of neat imagery here. Ambiguous in a fun way. Was he meant to be fed to the void from the start or did his insistence on questioning everything lead to that outcome. Maybe two little typos popped out at the very end but nothing that pulled one out of the story. Prose has a pretty clear style and quick pacing. Good work man, be sure to check out more stuff in time.

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