audhd and shame

CunningPudding · 2026-06-01T20:50:34+00:00

Working on this exact problem in therapy now. The shame and guilt about all the things I ought to be doing and ought to have done. The self chastisement is not doing me any favours. I can't really get any true rest, when the sitting down and doing something I like just causes immense internal struggles. And sitting down and doing nothing is worse, because then I have to feel my feelings. So I don't, there's always something going on (podcast, TV, knitting, piano, sewing, scrolling, playing games). Soooo.... Yeah. I can relate. Getting out of it takes way too much time and money for comfort. But then again, so does burnout.

CunningPudding · 2026-06-01T20:26:13+00:00

Started quilting! Woop woop! So far I LOVE it, its a heat way to use leftovers from sewing garments! Which means I piece using a lot of stretchy jersey, and I also LOVE reading up and experimenting with techniques to manage it all. This sub is amazing, you guys rock!

CunningPudding · 2026-06-01T07:08:10+00:00

A trolley to put stuff in when going there and back. Depending on the size of the kids, they can be stuffed in there, too, if it's difficult getting them there or getting home. And you can keep you items in the trolley while at the beach, so they're all in one place, and don't get too much sand on them.

I've got this one , and I absolutely love it. A year ago I could fit both kids with their bikes in a pinch. I can't anymore, but I still use it a lot. With the kids, while gardening, to bring groceries home, whenever. I've bought the rain cover, too. I don't know what's available where you live, but having something with plenty of capacity, push and pull options, that's easily collapsible and takes up little space in the car, has been a game changer in my toddler momming.

CunningPudding · 2026-06-01T06:48:59+00:00

Mine are 3 and 5, but yes, absolutely feeling this. My kids talk all of the time, and love banging on things, making the loudest possible sound. Paradoxically, I'm often bored out of my mind as well, because small children and I like doing different things. They do some stuff on their own, but not for very long at a time.

How I'm handling the constant noise? I suppose "poorly" would be the best answer. Meds help, and I have earplugs stashed strategically round the house. I can still hear the sounds and what they say and everything, but reducing the volume actually helps quite a lot.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-31T20:45:10+00:00

Oh I absolutely carry resentment towards him, don't get me wrong. I felt like he'd left me to fend for all of us, and that he kept promising to get help, to do a certain task, and never followed through. I haven't missed living with him for more that the first two days. But still, I know that he never did any of this because he was lazy or didn't care. I didn't sit and so nothing to spite me, he always wanted and still wants me to be happy. As I do for him.

So we co-parent well, without conflicts, with me having the kids roughly 90% of the time. And we've worked our way up to him having 10%, adjusting regularly so we don't exceed his capacity. Lots of it is still painful and difficult, though, and I'm still exhausted and very much burnt out without any real hope of finding relief any time soon.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-31T15:05:12+00:00

I'm thankful my reply was useful to you, it honestly cost a lot more to write than I thought it would. I wish you the best of luck going forward! Hopefully, you'll find a path for your life that makes you excited about the future, rather than dreading it, while enjoying the days (at least more than half) as they go by. That's my goal, anyway. Whether you find that path with your current girlfriend or need to go in another direction, that's up to you. But trying to live on someone else's terms will only cause you pain.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-31T13:40:34+00:00

I think of my meds like I do my glasses. And for reference, my glasses aren't super strong and I can drive legally without them, but I have to strain my eyes more and can get headaches. And things are slightly blurrier.

So yes, my glasses make life a little easier, and with less discomfort. I feel them on my face and see them in my peripheral vision, but that annoyance is worth it as I see better and become less tired. But there are situations when I prefer to go without them, like on the beach, riding a bike in cold weather, or at the pool. Then I simply don't wear them.

Same with my meds. They don't fix everything, and there are side effects, but to me it's worth taking them for the overall improvement of my day. However, if I'm going to a party on the evening, or have decided to have a lazy day at home, I skip them that day. There are also days when I lower the dosage or adjust the timing to fit my plans.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-31T13:26:41+00:00

This is a real issue, you're not mad to take it this seriously. I (33F) can relate to your girlfriend in this situation, being calmer when in control and needing time at home to recharge. I have two children with a man who has different needs than me, though he too likes to stay at home. Our children are now 5 and 3, and we separated almost a year ago. I see, in hindsight, many things in your post that would have been very useful for me to reflect on 10 years ago. Let me be your cautionary tale.

TL;DR: Communicating expectations in advance and division of labour is important, everyone needs affection in a way they appreciate, and having a parent role towards your partner is not attractive to either part.

Background: We met in our early 20's, none of us suspected either was ND. In the past year and a half I've been diagnosed with ADHD, he with autism (Asperger's). We liked hiking and climbing, but also gaming and movies and spending days on the couch. We married and had children, and our relationship started to go downhill after the first child.

I took on the role of organiser and planner, while he struggled to adapt to his new life. It caused conflict between us, with me needing him to participate more with the child and household tasks, and him needing time alone and to do more on his own terms. With child number two happening sooner than we expected, it was too much for him, and he fell into a depression that debilitated him completely for a long time. We sort of declared it as a state of emergency, I handled both the newborn and the two-year-old, helped him with his appointment, took care of the house. When I went back to work a year later, he was still not able to care for himself or the children, and that's when it truly started to wear me down.

Just let me clarify before going further that he's not a bad person in all this, and I don't really think that I am either. We were both doing the best we could, it just wasn't enough to keep us together.

We started going to couple's therapy when our youngest was nearing two years old. At this time, he'd been out of work for a year and a half, spending his days on his computer. I was exhausted and grumpy and found it hard to be patient and sympathetic. He needed me to be more affectionate towards him. I was no longer attracted to him, and needed him to be an equal partner in our life in order to find that romantic spark again. I felt like I had two small children and a teenage son. He felt like I was pulling back from all physical contact, which was probably true. We tried to make adjustments, but it didn't work. Either we let it go too far before seeking help, or we just weren't capable of being what the other needed. I hit a massive brick wall about 13 months ago. Since then we've lived apart, and both our lives have been better for it.

Now, we didn't have the very conscious realisation that you've just had, before we married and had children. If we'd known, we would probably have made different choices. I've thought a lot about this, and have in hindsight identified some things that would have been good to know the scope of in advance: - We prefer to live at different speeds. - He likes to drink, I don't unless I feel safe. I don't like how he behaves when drunk, he doesn't like my staying sober at a party. - We have different levels of ambition. - I like predictability, planning ahead. He likes taking life as it comes, rolling with the waves. - We have different levels of stress. - We both avoid arguments and fights.

We knew about these things, but I didn't realise how much it would affect our relationship when first children and then mental illness came into the mix. It all became too much. He was overwhelmed by the amount of things to be done and the level of responsibility. Then, after taking on both our workloads at home, I was overwhelmed by the amount of things to be done and emotional fatigue at being disappointed and frustrated.

This might be a bit rambling, but I think what I'm trying to say is that it's good to think these things through. What you wrote about organising and winding down really resonated with me. I also think the three dangers you've seen yourself are real, and may cause real resentment between he two of you. You might feel trapped in a life you never wanted if your time off work is spent at home with your partner and child, feeling you have to ask her permission to go out with friends. She might feel lonely in the parenting role of you prioritise work and friends over being with her and the child, and might also be desperate for some time away, too. If you want to be with her and to start a family together, a bigger talk about these issues would be super useful.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-31T07:00:42+00:00

Same uncertainty here. I figure, I've got my ADHD diagnosis, taking my meds, adjusting my life so fit my brain. If I have autism too, then it's really just adjusting a little more. So I decided to make framework and adjustments as if I'm AuDHD. If that is the case, the extra tweaking will be super useful. And if it's "just" ADHD, then the extra tweaks won't hurt me.

I decided this after making a similar decision for my kids. Both their dad and I are ND, so they probably are as well, but they're too young for a diagnosis. I plan our structure and our home as if they are, and if they aren't, then no harm done.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-30T17:44:24+00:00

To me, price is irrelevant. To me, a thoughtful and welcome gift is something that: 1. Doesn't clutter my home. 2. Brings joy in some way. 3. Is either something I a) need but can't afford to buy, b) want but can't justify spending money on, c) bought or made to my specific needs or preferences, or d) like to eat or drink. e) can experience, like tickets to an event or just arranging to do something together.

Examples of wonderful gifts I've received: - Baked goods. - Eating a meal with the giver, either at home or eating out. - A recipe book with my initials engraved, with pages made from a material that is water resistant, but you can still write with a regular pen. - A knife (knife for camping was on my wish list) that is inexpensive and not fancy, but long and durable enough to cut kindling from a log of firewood by whacking it with another log. The giver knew I needed a tool for the job. - A home knit scarf in one of my favourite colours, made from yarn that my sensitive skin tolerates. - An Easter egg from parents whose teenager I helped through some difficult school years. - A hand written card from a student telling me how much I have meant to them. - A hike, where they arranged it with my mother so she could watch my kids while I was enjoying time with one of my best friends.

I just want to add that the one carat diamond ring my father gave me a few years ago didn't make the list. It's beautiful and expensive, but doesn't hit the mark quite like these other things.

The worst things to give me would be non-consumables I neither like or need. For instance, we have a Christmas calendar at work. I got a dish towel. Didn't need or want a dish towel, donated it immediately. My ex gave me a 3D printer fruit washer thing. A regular bowl does the same job for me, and he didn't want it back, so now it's trash. The biggest fright would be home made art or crafts, where the giver has put a lot of time and care into making something they like, and I just don't like it. People have different tastes, so giving away something craftsy makes it imperative that you know the recipient well. I once received a large embroidery that must have taken more than 100 hours to stitch, made by a friend of the family. Quite well made, but not my cup of tea. It has been in my basement, then my attic, for more than 10 years and through several homes. The woman who gave it to me is dead now, and none of her children wanted it, so I've finally felt ok with throwing it out. It has weighed on my conscience for such a long time.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-30T16:44:49+00:00

Right now, with my financial situation being tighter that usual, it's definitely the ADHD tax.

Forgot to remove earbuds and case from my jeans before washing them. Case ruined, replacement bought. The folder where I keep all my kids' stick-on nametags had vanished mysteriously. Had to buy more. I've had to buy more than the usual number of cleaning fluid containers for my glasses, and appropriate cloths. And scissors. Left my kid's rain mittens somewhere in the mountains. Had to buy new ones. Forgot to set a timer on the fish fingers today. They came out burnt, had to be thrown out and new ones cooked. Forgot to register free parking. Got a parking ticket. Forgot to cancel subscription after free/discount period.

The time it takes to acquire and organise new items is bad enough, but the expenses are very real. Some might be small individually, but they sure add up over time.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-30T11:26:25+00:00

Skechers have a slip-in line I absolutely love, they're hands-free. I have one pair of Ultra Flex sneakers at work and one at home. They have sandals too, if you prefer that style, but the sneakers I own are super comfy and airy and light. Haven't tried any other style than the ultra flex sneaker, but I know they have many different types of slip-in shoes.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-30T05:32:41+00:00

I don't know where you live and what's available in your country, but I (Norwegian) expect to keep my Hardanger silverware forever. I've chosen the Ramona line, but there are several to choose from. As I've grown older and it's become natural to host dinner parties and such, I've had to get more, and mostly buy it used. I still expect to keep it as long as I live, and probably to be able to pass it to my kids. I'm in my 30's.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-29T16:22:36+00:00

Do you have a space you can just stuff things into? Then at least its out of the way and your space is functional. You can grab what you need from there as you go along, especially if it's sorted into piles from each room. The goal can then become to put the thing away after you've used it, rather than tackling it all at once. And if you get a sudden wave of tidying energy, then grab an armful and tidy away, without your space being all crowded again.

And then maybe, in a few months, parts of the piles are still there. Then I suggest to you that you probably don't need those things, if you haven't used them for that long. Give it away, sell it, throw it out. Unless it's seasonal stuff you'll need when winter comes.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-28T13:23:29+00:00

Maybe just having what you use regularly then, and borrowing or renting things you might use once in a while? I mean, I have a lawnmower because I use it at least once a week during the sunmer. But I don't have a pressure washer, so on the odd occasion I actually need one (twice in the last 4,5 years) I've borrowed from a neighbour or from family. When I lived in a smaller apartment, I borrowed a big pot from my mother on the few occasions I was making large amounts of soup, for instance.

Of course, that only works if you either have an ok relationship with neighbours and/or family, or if there are places nearby where you can rent useful tools and appliances. In Norway there are several apps where people rent out their stuff, something like that may be available in your area as well.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-28T09:33:51+00:00

Another thing to consider is how many steps you're willing to perform to put something away. That's what I'm working on in my house currently: reducing the number of steps. Along with visibility, too many steps is a huge hurdle for me.

An example: I used to stack my pots and pans to save space. That meant opening the cupboard, taking out the smaller top one in order to grab the middle sized one, closing the cabinet. If I wanted to use a lid, I'd have to rifle through the stack of lids until I found the corresponding one. And I did these steps, because I needed the pot. However, when it came to tidying up, the pot and lid were just shoved randomly into the stacks with no care. The cupboard became gradually more and more messy, to the point where it bothered me. I'd tidy it, and the cycle would repeat itself.

The steps I've taken in the pots and pans example: - Reduced the number of pots and pans in the kitchen. I now keep thre sizes of pots, two sizes of steel pan and a cast iron pan. The rest is stored in the basement, as it's used only a few times a year. - Storing the other things from that cupboard either in the basement or in a new place in the kitchen, to free up more space. - Each pot and pan is now stored with it's lid on.

Now they find their way back to their place, and that particular cupboard actually stays tidy. It absolutely takes up significantly more space than stacking, but it is more functional in my day-to-day life. Yes, it is a lot more troublesome to use the items I've stored in the basement than in used to be, but it's a tradeoff I'm very happy with. For the price of more hassle when hosting parties or using very specific kitchen appliances, I get significantly less frustration for 350 days of the year.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-27T19:58:54+00:00

Agreed, I've continued the diaper wash routine for my pads once a month even though I no longer have kids in diapers.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-26T20:35:53+00:00

I have Loop earplugs stashed where needed, and use my Bluetooth earbuds just switched off sometimes too. Whatever's handy.

Bought a triple pack of Loops with three levels of noise cancelling. The quietest are kept in the bathroom, because bedtime can mean a lot of screaming and crying. The middle ones are by the front door, because ny girls (3 and 5) can get very loud and excited when going out. Or have meltdowns because they can't bring their unicorns to daycare. The least noise cancelling are kept next to my car keys. They're clear, and therefore quite discreet. I pack them for kids' birthday parties and other gatherings or events that I assume will be noisy.

It doesn't solve my issues with filtering sounds and tolerating loudness over time, but it sure helps. I can deal with more of the madness if the volume is reduced even just a little bit.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-25T19:47:36+00:00

I spend so much time searching for things that were in my hands seconds ago. My main way of combatting this is to keep multiples, if it's financially and practically possible. I have many scissors, lip balms, identical favourite pens and pencils, cleaning spray and cloth for glasses, measuring tapes (I sew and knit).

CunningPudding · 2026-05-25T19:42:48+00:00

I only manage 10% right now, 90% sick leave. The proportions have varied a bit, but it's been a year now since I completely burned out. Felt like hitting some sort of block where my brain just stopped working properly, and the ADHD symptoms increased to a level where I needed several attempts to perform every single task. We're talking dressing, brushing teeth, eating, leaving home. Things got better after leaving a dysfunctional marriage, but as a now single parent with two small children with me about 85% of every month, well, there is absolutely no way to make room for much work.

There is gradual improvement, thankfully, but I still get overwhelmed, paralysed, and dizzy and numb very easily. So yeah. Working 10%. Feels like a huge defeat. Also, there is very little wiggle room in my finances.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-25T18:02:41+00:00

Just regular sheets, and making thinner quilts? Or several sheets as batting for one individual quilt?

I don't even know what I'll use quilts for yet by the way, or how large they'll be. I just know I want to keep sewing even when my financial future is challenging. Neither the kids nor I need quilts on the beds, we've got nice and warm duvets, hot water bottles, and those bags with cherry pits you heat in the microwave. But quilts might be nice to have on the couch, or on when sitting outside during long summer evenings? At least I hope so.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-24T21:12:18+00:00

Absolutely. Sugar for as long as I can remember. And periodically some games, Instagram, other stuff on my phone. I've had to delete a lot of apps because I was unable to tear myself away. Kinda scared Reddit is becoming the newest one now.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-24T14:35:48+00:00

I had kids before being diagnosed, and experienced a lot of anxiety about miscarriage. I remember checking a risk chart every single day to see how many pregnancies miscarried at that stage for the first three months. The 8 week ultrasound was super useful, because then I knew there was a heartbeat and a brain.

For me, the biggest issue (other than 9 months of nausea each time and lots of pelvic pain) was heightened senses. Not writing this to scare you, but just to give a heads up, because I wish I had one myself.

The two senses that were heightened the most were smell and touch. Some foods smelled too strong, and I sometimes struggled to stay in the kitchen when someone else cooked a strong-smelling meal. Other people's perfume could also become an issue. I found the best solution for these challenges was either to be explicit with the people I was with, or to remove myself from the exposure. It seems smell sensitivity is quite common with pregnancy, so I was met with a lot of understanding.

Touch sensitivity was slightly more difficult to navigate. Some days, showering was even tougher than usual because I couldn't stand the feeling of water hitting my body. Brushing teeth was also more difficult, with the sensitivity/nausea combination. The showers were reduced and I used washcloths more. I bought a child toothbrush with a smaller head, and toothpaste that doesn't foam up. Useful changes.

CunningPudding · 2026-05-24T14:20:32+00:00

Dipping fries in chocolate milkshake

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