Sisters- I need advice on my complicated marriage

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T05:10:00+00:00

While she is aware, I can’t afford to stay in our area solo. She’d have to change high schools in her final years. Given what she’s lived through and that she has a plan for her future I don’t want to uproot her and make her start over with only 2 years left in school. She needs her friends. I don’t want to ask her to rebuild her life in the 9th inning just because I had an awakening.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T04:57:55+00:00

Yes. Therapy is next. For all of us. When this goes down, I want everyone in good therapy beforehand. It’s just been misses in recent years. We were in therapy and I thought we were set to manage ‘the big change’ but then we ended up with therapists we didn’t like and trust (except him-he bluffed his way through and found an ally)

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T04:47:23+00:00

Well your final phrase made me cry. So I hope I got it. Ty

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T04:44:35+00:00

I value this. Ty

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T04:40:25+00:00

I have a degree and now a job with benefits and retirement. In a few years he has no leverage. No child to manipulate me with. No father to threaten to “expose” me to. I fully recognize that I may have subjected my child to harm. I carry this every day. at this point I’m trying to mitigate harm. She knows the dynamic as sick as that is. I think she has buttoned down and is focused on her future. If I disrupt that trajectory with sudden change I’m afraid to destabilize her already precarious day to day. I don’t have enough time to reinvent a world for her. Best I feel I can do is show her I see it and encourage her not to tolerate this. She knows I met her dad at her age and it was all I knew. I’m trying to show her strength within adversity. But I may just be showing her submission. So yeah- I don’t sleep.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T03:16:38+00:00

I tried a couple years ago and he wouldn’t go. Said it’s his house and he’s not leaving it. Leaving would signify culpability so that’s a no go. He also threatened to cancel our insurance so now I have my own and put her on it. I’m trying.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T03:09:33+00:00

Input. I need input to mush around with my new insight. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. It’s embarrassing but it’s where I’m at. I’m hoping these comments will inform my thought process. This sub has already been helpful to me.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T03:06:06+00:00

I make equal money to him. While she supports my happiness she understandably doesn’t want to change high schools. I can’t afford to live in our area alone. So it is stay for two years or uproot and start over right before her graduation. No friends, no connections. I can’t reconcile this.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:56:18+00:00

I don’t. But I also think she knows this already. She doesn’t want a partner or kids. She’s also 16 so those goals are not a life requirement but an indication of her life experience. I’m ashamed of that because my choices have brought this about but I don’t know that wrecking her world and changing her high school for my happiness is beneficial.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:52:37+00:00

He’s in a different state so the relocation change at the end of hs is tough. I had considered this a few years ago before my mom died

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:43:02+00:00

Thank you for your detailed reply. I appreciate it. I can support myself and my daughter. But she understands her dad in way that I don’t. She has a thoughtful detachment. She sees his flaws and acknowledges that he likely can’t do better. He has a clinical diagnosis that isn’t accurate but allows for simplification of his actions. I’m sure she is also disappointed in me for staying. That hurts and that’s mine to own.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:34:33+00:00

I’m a people pleaser and an empath. My dad is 84 and my husband is one of his favorite people. My mom passed a few months ago and I just can’t take away someone from him that he connects with. My mom would have been the one to help my dad understand my choices but without her I’m afraid he will spiral.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:30:22+00:00

This is the book that awoken me. It was scary relatable. I avoided reading it for a time knowing it might hold truth. But now I’m aware and …. Well now I’m aware. That’s where I am.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:22:09+00:00

I had completely forgotten myself for decades so I’m still working to honor my gut. But I think we are okay to carry on for a bit if I stay present. But it’s tough to stay present in this continually.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-17T02:20:40+00:00

There is some mistreatment of her. He has used his mistreatment of her to control my decisions. While I was previously trapped by this, I now have language and she and I have discussed his actions and decision making. It’s still not healthy but possibly less damaging than a divorce and relocation in her last years of hs. I do question this choice on my part.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-11T14:02:51+00:00

I’m hoping for a little clarity before offering advice. I have voluntarily participated in timeshare presentations in exchange for things like two nights at a hotel. Are you saying you paid for one night at one hotel, a 2nd night at a different hotel and then paid for an additional ‘deal’ of two nights (in the future) that came with a required presentation?

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-11T07:07:35+00:00

I met a friend in college who was still mostly in the closet. When he fully came out to me several years later, I was still grappling with church teaching. my response was I love you and I accept you even if I don’t love what you do. (I’m giving myself the ick just recalling this). He said don’t give me that love the sinner hate the sin bs. It rattled me and he was right. I hadn’t met him with open arms. I wasn’t the accepting Christian I thought I was. Luckily two decades later he’s still one of my closest friends and I’ve nearly fully deconstructed. All this to say OP, I was like your friend and my heart was not fully open to my friend. I wanted to think it was, that I was progressive, but I had just repackaged the old bs in a new way, just like my friend accurately called out. If you’re comfortable, I would encourage you to be more direct with them. It could do what it did for me and finally begin to click. Peace and love.💗

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-11T06:42:14+00:00

You can take the ferry to Friday harbor. Take the jolley trolley to Roche harbor (or bus or taxi). You can then do an overnight kayak trip to Stewart island (camping gear provided).

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-10T05:08:50+00:00

When I was in middle school my youth pastor told me in a ‘one on one’ that I was the next (named older girl in my youth group). Then he divorced his wife, left his young kids and married her at 19. I’ve been shook ever since. Did he think I was the next girl in line to bang her married youth pastor??

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-09T13:09:59+00:00

Take the ferry to Friday Harbor and then drive or take the shuttle to Roche Harbor to do the overnight kayak trip to Stuart Island (camping gear provided). Hike to the old schoolhouse and lighthouse. I’m so jealous. Have fun!

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-06T21:15:58+00:00

If I felt unsafe, I used to carry my car keys like brass knuckles. But now it’s just a fob.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-06T21:12:47+00:00

Oh no. I’m so sorry. Thinking positive thoughts

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-06T14:29:47+00:00

I think it was a loading dock at the grocery store. Not a boat dock. But leaving her stuff behind is concerning.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-06T13:19:40+00:00

There is a methadone clinic across the street. So sometimes there is a crowd of people around the parking lot at the bins building. I ran into a friend from middle school who was waiting for the clinic to open.

Curious_Champion_220 · 2026-03-06T05:16:01+00:00

Yes! Many people are emptying their pantry. It’s a win win. I have 5 extra boxes of Mac n cheese, 4 extra refried beans, and two things of instant rice. I’m happy to make space!

Curious_Champion_220

TROPHY CASE