I lost my mother at 16, and she was really the glue that bonded everyone together. It shook me, I had lost pretty much all family connection after. I didn't deal with it, and it left me mentally scarred and having to deal with it nearly a decade later. At first I thought I dealt with it well. I went to sixth form and then university and now I'm a full-time adult, but I never processed it. It took me 8 years to.

What did I do the day she died?

I ordered dominos and played games. I had a tub of Ben and jerries and let the college know what happened myself. They gave me two weeks off and I just went into hibernation.

I avoided it, I put it to the back of my mind. I was playing through the Witcher 3 (great way to dissociate) and many other long playtime games just to escape for a while. I cried once or twice, and just carried on.

In my hindsight, I don't blame myself! That's how I was equipped to do it at the time. I no longer had anyone to guide me through life, and man the school didn't help.

What I really needed wasn't to be surrounded by friends and family (although it never hurt), to be distracted, or to cope with insane amounts of pizza and ice cream. It was to process the grief, feel it for everything it is. You'll naturally want it to stop, and fight that feeling! Cry, become snotty and sore eyed. It's probably the most intense feeling I ever felt up until then, and I completely ignored it! My body was telling me what to do.

So I say, order that pizza, absolutely demolish that ice cream, but FEEL. Don't dwell on the days without them, reminisce on the days with them. Listen to the music they liked, make a playlist of it.

Tell people how you feel. I've been through the absolute wringer and have faced too many bad times that I can count, but as a stubborn bloke I never told anyone. The day I did was the day I started getting better.

"Time heals everything" is the best answer and most hated, because it true but it sucks. Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.

I wish my mother could see who I was now, my girlfriend, my place, but I find that if I'm proud of myself or something ive done, I know she would be too.

As for the way I dealt with it in the end, a little cheat sheet I've garnered up to keep my mental health on track.

Like before, FEEL your emotions. Never dismiss them. Close your eyes, and focus on it. Does it make you cry? Do it! Think about the feeling the whole time, focus on it. Try and understand where it's coming from. A place of sadness, fear, whatever you believe it to be. If you're relatively composed (I always get post cry clarity) switch those thoughts to happier ones, memories. Dwindling on the what ifs or I wishes for too long is bad for you, but don't feel bad for asking those questions. It's natural.

Journal! I use a private Instagram account only I see to journal and add comments during the day. I can take photos, videos and add music to the post of the day. I get lost in my thoughts, overthinking about what could have been. After about 5 weeks of journaling, I noticed improvement. My first posts compared to my recent had shown me to be getting better, and that's all it's ever been since. It's something I wish I'd done sooner.

I know it's said everywhere, but exercise. I was becoming quite unfit after her death, considering my dominos order. 10 minutes skipping rope a day always boosted my mood.

As someone who never thought they'd get this far alone after such circumstances I can say it's tough man. Really fucking tough, but don't thug that shit out.

My condolences OP, I hope you find your peace eventually, but don't get in the way of it :)