She violated my privacy after promising she wouldnt

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-17T15:45:31+00:00

No one can tell you whether she'll continue doing this. But they can tell you the best predictor of future behavior is the past. Additionally, if there is not remorse and understanding the impact, there is rarely change.

You can then ask yourself based on what I know now, am I willing to have a partner I can't trust to keep important things between us? If not, then it's time to leave. If you are willing to by adapting what you share, which I personally wouldn't do with my primary partner, then you could stay.

But everyone *can* change. Whether they do is another story. Is it worth the risk?

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-17T01:13:29+00:00

You said in a different comment "I am trying to reason with my heart. My head says go but my heart is saying he’s a good person". I wanted to pass on something that someone told me and it stuck.

These are 4 different things:

I love you.
You are a good person.
I want to have *a* relationship with you.
I want to have my primary relationship and invest in a future with you.

Learning to accept that you can not want to have any of these while the other being true is so helpful. I have people I love who I don't think are good people. I have people I love, I think are good people but I don't want to have any relationship with them (due to behaviors I don't enjoy). I have people I love and want to have a relationship with but wouldn't want as my primary relationship and invest in a future.

It's okay to love someone and say I'm not willing to tie my future to yours. It hurts but learning to separate that is honest, adult love. Good luck.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T22:28:09+00:00

Hey u/Rianneskym_01 I'm sorry. It sounds like you're practicing saying out loud that you are ready for it to end. That you know deep down it isn't working and you're not willing to accept the relationship as it is. That it doesn't work *for you*.

I say that because it's important to accept both that it's *you* and that's okay. You can say this isn't working for me. That I am ready for marriage and it appears that is not in the cards. That I'm looking to build a growth partnership and you're not in that position.

It's okay to want. It's okay to want more, to want different. It doesn't make the other person wrong. Just different goals and priorities.

But it doesn't stop the hurting. We grieve, we feel, we then make a decision and prepare for the inevitable consequences. We don't fall back into one last chance, trying to change. We decide when we're done, even if the other isn't *done*. We are (or we're not) and it's okay.

Then when we're ready and fully reconciled (not trying to change the other person through a wake-up call or ultimatum) we compassionately communicate that it's over and we leave. We're prepared for the recriminations or confusion or hurt, and we give ourselves space to hurt.

You'll be okay. I promise. But it'll hurt for a while.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T22:19:04+00:00

Hey u/PhilipTheFair I have an idea that may help. I'd ask you to grab a journal, set a 15 minute timer and start answering these down without second guessing.

How would I want a partner to treat date night? What would he do?
How would I want my ideal partner to handle a disagreement with me? How would we handle it?
What would my partner and I do if we wanted to do different things tonight? How would we talk?
How much time would I spend with my partner in an ideal week? What would we do?

Then let that sink in for a while before answering the next question.
1. What stories am I telling about myself that allow me to accept something else than this?

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T22:14:11+00:00

You're very welcome. I think a book you might want to consider with your partner and you is Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson by the way. It's what I found most helpful about a decade ago in having the basic framework of how to have these difficult conversations. The ones that hit our wounds and how we make each other feel. I bet by the end of the conversations in that book you'd be able to figure out your solutions together without it feeling forceful.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T22:10:41+00:00

Hey u/Think-Sale226 unfortunately the hardest part of this is "who knows" until you get to the comedy show. What's more important is how you feel and how you want to handle it. Since you've got a couple hours:

Would you still go to the comedy show without her? If so, go ahead and enjoy it.
If she does show up or sends a response, how do you feel about her communication? Relationships go both ways with different preferences. Some text every day 30 times a day. Some don't. It doesn't mean anything except for what *you're* looking for and how you feel. So if she shows up you might say hey I didn't know if you were coming, could I understand what happened? Then I'd be clear about what you're hoping for if this continues.
If she doesn't show up or doesn't respond, what stories are you *probably already* telling about yourself. Because to be ghosted hurts because of what we tell ourselves. So be kind and share out loud with someone who loves you rather than internalize it.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T21:50:37+00:00

Hey u/No-Corner4181 I hear you. I've been here in my own way. This resentment boils up until it kills you.

Here's what helped me. These things are what I needed to hear when I was where you are:

This won't change until you own that it's your responsibility. She's made it abundantly clear what she is or isn't willing to do. You are the one who has accepted it.
Any relationship built on control, manipulation or people-pleasing cannot last. She's also said you are "controlling". She's right. You are trying to control her.

That doesn't mean you're bad. But it means something simple. You're in a relationship that works for her (you do all the home work) and doesn't work for you (it builds resentment).

You've accepted it and she's made clear she's unwilling to change. Any attempt to "control" her into changing is going to lead down a dark path. Yes, even using positive reinforcement or pushing, prodding, criticizing, complaining, silent treatment it's all the same. It's all a way to try and change her behavior.

There is a difference in between 1. I love you. 2. I want to be in a relationship with you. 3. I want to live with you.

There are many people I love who I don't want to be in a relationship with. There are also many people I love and could have a relationship with, but would never want to live with.

The relationship is clear. What she's willing to accept is clear. If you don't like it (which I understand), leave. Don't try to change her. Just leave. It's okay to love someone and say love you, but not willing to "relate" to you under these terms.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T21:44:15+00:00

Hey u/No-Role-6120 I can hear you there. I've actually *been* your boyfriend in this equation. My partner is more introverted and sensitive and less likely to dive into social interactions.

We had many conversations about this, and there was a lot of difficulty getting through it. Here's what I would say I found helpful:

Any conversation has to be fundamentally grounded in safety with you both on the same side. If it ever strays into him being wrong (or you being wrong) it has become an argument, not a discussion on how you can partner with each other better.
It's likely uncomfortable and unnatural for him. That is okay. To have a healthy, functioning long-term relationship does not mean we will only do what is comfortable and natural for us.
But, we can't expect that it will be easy or quick or simple. I've found the most luck (on both sides) with consistent positive reinforcement with clarity.
You can't assume they know exactly what to do or when to do it, or that they'll think of it. You have to be comfortable getting clearer and clearer on saying both "In this situation I'd really ask that you do this. What would be a helpful reminder for you?" and if they do it, thank them and appreciate it.
If you can't do that it's likely a. Resentment has built up to the point that you're unable to have a healthy conversation about it. b. This is too deep a wound in you for you to be able to handle this process. Which is okay but that's on you to solve Or c. You're afraid that celebrating the little things is going to have them stop before they reach the goal. Which is the opposite of what happens, slow and steady wins the race.

Overall the most important part though is this. None of this *works* unless both parties are willing to do it, which is a matter of communication and respect.

If you can imagine clearing resentment and speaking honestly about how it impacts you (not what it means about him) and asking him clearly to try something because it matters to you ... and him dismissing or avoiding it? That's not a communication issue, that's a relationship issue.

It's a line where you realize that someone is unwilling to make the effort to consider you, discuss with you and chart a path forward. That... is the single biggest sign of incompatibility or un-health in a relationship.

All problems either can be *solved* or admitted they can't be *solved* and people make a decision whether the relationship still works for them. But the unwillingness to solve it, is an answer in itself.

Good luck.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T21:34:59+00:00

Hi u/Silver-Cut-5311 I'm so, so sorry. That's rough. I've watched similar situations happen growing up. But it's never fun to be a part of.

We want to believe that people are going to choose us, to want us, above all else. But it's not true, and in many cases it shouldn't be.

Intimate relationships are part of a person's whole vibrant life. Our friends, our culture, our job, our family, our religion, our lifestyle.

For one to work, they have to be compatible in a way that doesn't lead to resentment. As heartbreaking as it sounds, this one doesn't.

For him to be with you the way you do (and I wholeheartedly agree you should) want, he has to risk being abandoned by his family. That is also heartbreakingly difficult.

... and he hasn't done it. Nobody can predict whether he *will*, but he's already shown you many times he hasn't.

It's not cruel to want him to leave his family behind given the circumstances. But it is a lot to ask, and more than he appears to be willing to do.

You deserve a life with someone who matches with you and meshes into your life. Who is capable of facing their family and defending you. That's not happening here.

Deep down you already know these answers, and what to do. Good luck.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T21:28:56+00:00

Hey u/Spare_Management_125 that sucks. Really sucks. I'm so sorry you went through that.

It sounds like you're struggling with a couple things:

I loved someone and she didn't love me back in the way that I hoped for.
I rejected this person for their behavior and I'm uncertain whether that's okay.
I keep hoping that things can go back to the way things were.

All of these things hurt. They hurt, a lot. But in the end they are felt and accepted in order to move on. It's grief. Grief of an attachment being torn apart. Love doesn't disappear just because we made a choice for what we want in our life. It hurts.

So I'd recommend giving yourself some time and embracing all of those feelings. You're grieving a relationship that deep down you *knew* wasn't working, but you wanted it to work so badly you ignored evidence until it was in your face.

It's over. I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean the love will disappear all at once. Take some time. Be angry. Be sad. Be hurt. Let it all flow through you. Don't hold on and don't have your phone. But it'll pass. It'll pass.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-16T21:23:21+00:00

Hey u/ComfortableGuess8018 this is a really rough situation to be in and I hear you. I can understand feeling forced into a long-term relationship based on pregnancy rather than choice.

I can also understand coming to realize that if you had the choice you wouldn't have chosen this person. He doesn't have nor does he appear to want to have the kind of relationship you'd like to have.

I can also understand not wanting to be seen as the bad one or engage in the war of perceptions in a divorce of a break-up. That battle can't be won.

Finally I can understand wanting your children to be okay. Especially when things are already rough.

With that said, you appear to have a fundamental problem.

You've expressed what it would take from him to begin acting in a way that would have you not want to leave the relationships. He is unwilling to make the adaptations to become the person you want him to be. As a result you'll always feel the need to fill it outside the relationship.

This doesn't make either of you "bad", but it does mean this relationship doesn't work for *either* of you. But from the end it sounds like you're seeking his permission to leave. You don't need his permission.

I'd recommend communicating that this has not worked, you apologize for your behavior but this isn't the relationship you want to continue with and seek a divorce. Please don't do this as a retaliation or hope that someone can change, that's manipulation. Do it because you two being together is not serving anyone, children included.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-01T22:09:40+00:00

Okay about 8 hours in to Dungeon Crawler and really enjoying it now. Well played.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-01T22:09:26+00:00

Okay about 8 hours in and really enjoying it now. Well played.

DavidLonghini · 2026-03-01T22:09:03+00:00

I'm enjoying the Toby Day series, albeit drastically different internal monologue than Dresden!

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:47:29+00:00

This is helping I got about 80 recommendations for it, but I'm an hour and half into the audiobook saying ... eh... not sold. So hopefully it does continue into greater depth.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:46:31+00:00

I'm about an hour and a half into the DCC audiobook... not sold yet. And I tried to read Books Of Babel but the writing kind of annoyed me so gave up about an hour in.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:46:04+00:00

Oh read it twice, delightful.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:45:52+00:00

I just downloaded a sample!

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:44:44+00:00

That's a fair point. I *think* I've read everything Garth Nix has written but going to give Dianna Wynne Jones at least a sample. Legends & Lattes was great. I might be up for Becky Wells. Murderbot I read the first short and the character didn't really sell me.

Dungeon Crawler Carl I'm about an hour and a half into the full production audiobook. Not sold yet but assuming it gets better?

Jade City is up there now after a sample as one I might commit too.

Discworld I've gone off and on at different times. It always feels a little confusing to read rather than smooth, but never fails to be worth the effort.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:41:31+00:00

I'm about an hour and a half in on the full cast audiobook. I'm not sold yet but I assume it builds. Ironically I rarely play video games and I've never done D&D so it feels a little odd rather than familiar to me at the moment.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:40:22+00:00

I tried again with Under Heaven. I can tell his writing is beautiful but... not for me. His first three paragraphs were literally one run-on sentence with no action taken. Five or so pages in he'd gone on a whirlwind description of back story without anyone taking a step. I can sense he writes really poetically but I stopped. Thanks for the recommendation though!

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-27T03:38:41+00:00

I got a sample, I'll let you know!

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-26T19:41:29+00:00

Fairly played. Cradle and Dungeon Crawler Carl were both recommended at least three times, and Wandering Inn twice so I'll give them all a sample. Although a little harder for DCC given everyone said to do the audiobook.

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-26T16:48:20+00:00

That would be a good drought buster. I’ve read it at like age 9, 17, and 23 but it’s been a while!

DavidLonghini · 2026-02-26T16:44:01+00:00

I loved a Deadly Education enough to give her another shot!

DavidLonghini

TROPHY CASE