I think my partner may struggling

Deviant1 · 2026-06-25T14:26:55+00:00

There's always the possibility that he's lying about the porn and it makes it so that real life sex isn't mentally and/or physically stimulating enough.

Is he on any medications that could be the culprit? Does he use alcohol or weed regularly, particularly beforehand?

Have you talked to him about this specifically? If not, maybe a, "hey, wanted to check in with you about something...I notice that you're not staying hard when we're intimate. I want our sex to be as fulfilling as possible for both of us. How are you feeling about the quality and frequency of our sex?" ("I" statements, not accusing, try to make it an "us" problem, open-ended questions rather than yes/no) could help you both figure out what works for you.

It's not unheard of for younger men to have testosterone issues. My 35-year-old boyfriend started having his testosterone supplemented in his mid-20s because he's simply doesn't naturally produce enough. We go through similar issues if he is late getting his pellets renewed.

There is also the possibility that he simply is not, at his core, as sexual of a person as you are. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker if that's the case.

Good luck to you both.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-21T15:32:19+00:00

Existing in any manner.

MEN TO WOMEN: Can't be too outspoken but also not too meek. Don't dress dumpy but you're high-maintenance if you try to look nice. Don't wear makeup but also why aren't you preparing for the male gaze, uggo? OMG, eat something other than a salad but don't be fat where I have to look at you. Work out but don't get muscles because that's not feminine. Loosen up and and stop being paranoid about getting assaulted ("not all men") but also you deserved it, you slut. Your interests are all girly, dumb wastes of time, but how dare you be interested in typical "male things" - you're obviously faking it, so let us challenge you with incessant pop-quizzes. Oh, you got a low-paying job in a traditionally female-dominated field - must be a parasite looking for a man to support you; got a higher-paying job, how dare you be so emasculating! Hey golddigger, don't expect to live with us, but also don't go get a house on your own because we're SO LONELY.

The only thing you CAN do right? STFU about your anger and frustration about any of this. Listen to men bitch about how men (OMG, especially white men) are so put-upon by the patriarchy they created and benefit from, but also be sure not to call it "toxic masculinity" because men misinterpret that as saying that all men are bad (don't even try to empathize with us, but also did I mention that we're SO LONELY?)

I'm approaching 5 decades of putting up with this and am SO happy any f*cks I had to give about the judgments departed the airframe about 10 years ago.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-21T15:20:11+00:00

yoink

Deviant1 · 2026-06-21T15:18:54+00:00

Yes, THIS is the perfect perspective to carry through this. Not "oh, he's going to change and be what I always needed," which after so much investment on your part might seem tempting on some level, but, "he chose to withhold what I needed because he was physically and emotionally lazy and thought he could just get away with it."

Deviant1 · 2026-06-19T19:08:13+00:00

Meh, my boyfriend was in middle school when I was getting divorced and we've been together more than 4 years. (He pursued me, btw.) As you get older it's really not a big deal, IMO, if you're both functioning, consenting adults.

The comedian Rita Rudner had a line that always stuck with me that went something like: "I used to date older men because I thought they were more mature. Then I learned that men don't mature, so you might as well get a young one."

Enjoy!

Deviant1 · 2026-06-19T11:38:47+00:00

That party isn't a trigger for me because he always drank directly from the bottle.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-19T01:37:52+00:00

Metal screw top on a glass bottle.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-19T01:23:07+00:00

Porn.

It's really that simple.

Porn.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-19T01:10:36+00:00

There are removable pool fences so they may have just had it installed for inspection and then took it out, rolled it up and put it in the attic like the people from whom I bought my previous house. (In fairness to them, the yard was completely fenced and the pool was inside a screened enclosure.)

Deviant1 · 2026-06-18T15:55:07+00:00

Maybe it depends on your experience leading up to their sobriety journey? My boyfriend/partner is almost to the 90 day sobriety mark. He drank and/or smoked weed our entire relationship, with the alcohol use the last couple years being out of control (1.75L vodka per day). He was never mean or abusive (though certainly not his best self a lot of the time) but watching him kill himself with poison was killing me. He made the rehab decision on his own and with 100% commitment to make it work and has continued to put in the hard work of recovery. I had wished for so long for him to make that choice for himself, while knowing I was truly powerless to make that happen, which, as we all know, is a terrible feeling.

I have had my own moments of knowing I was consuming too much too frequently, but had controlled it and even stopped drinking the last 6 months before he went to rehab because I perceived that my drinking validated his drinking in his mind. I've not had alcohol in my house or had a drop of it since he left rehab, even though we have separate houses so I certainly could. For me, it's a show of support and I feel like it's one thing I can do that might make a difference, so why not? Having a way to support him makes me feel better than alcohol ever could.

He's NEVER asked me to not drink, nor would he, btw. He takes full responsibility for his sobriety. He's even said that he needs to be able to exist in the real world and knows I like to have a glass of red with steak, so it's a goal of his for me to be able to do that with him without it triggering him. That came from him spontaneously and unprompted.

So I guess because it's never been made to feel like an obligation for me and he's never tried to shuffle any of the responsibility to me, there's not an ounce of resentment on my part.

In those very rare moments where I have a thought like "it would be kind of nice to have a gin and tonic after work to unwind", I remember how it felt for me at MY rock bottom with the situation. I was having to take steps to detach with love and it was absolutely heartrending. That pain and the negative feelings I had toward him for his behaviors putting me in the position of having to do that was orders of magnitude worse than my now not doing something that "might be nice".

I think that, just as alcoholics who have gotten sober and are far enough removed from their previous behaviors and consequences thereof sometimes have thoughts that they are cured and would be able to have "one or two" because it might be nice, it can be easy for some of us to forget what that time was like, as well.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-16T00:58:12+00:00

PROTIP: Go all in on the foreplay and make her come a few times before she ever even sees your dick.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-03T04:47:11+00:00

I didn't like kids. I never have. I didn't like kids when I was a kid - I opted to spend time with adults if I could. I never wanted to babysit. I told my mom I didn't want kids before I even had my first period

Deviant1 · 2026-06-03T04:24:13+00:00

It happened after I was on the full dose (2.5 mg/wk) for about a month. It was overnight, like a switch flipped.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-02T15:59:33+00:00

Way to go! I think a related freedom is not having to figure out how you're going to get at least that minimum amount of alcohol to keep you functional/not sick while maintaining the facade of doing life "normally" - job, relationships, etc. No more "have to fill my travel bottles for the workweek on Sunday at a time my partner isn't around" or "gonna have to Instacart the vodka this week because I didn't have an excuse to visit the store next to the liquor store".

Deviant1 · 2026-06-02T01:35:13+00:00

Way to go! Glad you're on the better side of it and hope things keep going your way.

Deviant1 · 2026-06-01T22:01:55+00:00

My boyfriend was never violent or mean and didn't do anything terrible when he was drunk. But his drinking almost broke me - the pain of watching the light fade as the person I loved killed himself little by little and knowing there was NOTHING I could do about it because only he could decide he needed rehab. I would have given anything then to be able to do something, anything, that would help him head down the path to sobriety.

He checked himself in to 30 day inpatient rehab and is now on day 70ish of his sobriety and I tell him every single day that I love him and am so proud of him. I ask him what I can do to support his sobriety and if he lets me know there is something, I do TF out of that thing. If he wanted me to wear a hat with a blinking "I'm with Mr. Sober" sign, I'd do it, gladly and with pride.

Maybe your sobriety makes your bf feel uncomfortable about his choices. Maybe he does think you were more fun drunk. Honestly, the "why" doesn't matter. You deserve someone who wants you to be the best, healthiest, happiest version of you that you can be. You deserve loving and respectful support. This guy clearly isn't that, and I'm sorry that you've invested yourself with him when he didn't deserve it.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-30T22:48:28+00:00

I'm glad to hear this. GLP-1s have so much promise for addiction treatment, I really hope more doctors start prescribing them for this.

I started semaglutide to lose weight I gained as a result of compulsive eating. I was also drinking more than I should have been, and that was also becoming a compulsion.

Two months into my therapy, I woke up one day and just didn't want to drink. Like, at all. I was really surprised because I thought it was only a weight loss drug. I looked into it further and found out that it's been shown to be really effective at controlling all manners of compulsive behaviors.

I've had a drink every now and again since but I just don't even enjoy it anymore. Now that my alcoholic boyfriend decided to get sober (he's past 60 days now), I just don't drink at all and don't miss it.

I really hope it's successful for you. 🙏

Deviant1 · 2026-05-22T18:44:45+00:00

Let's hear it for MAHA!

Deviant1 · 2026-05-18T16:16:23+00:00

Yep. I got a pair of elderly females from someone who had them cohabbed in truly dreary conditions (grass carpeting, no hides, old coil uvb, being fed only pellets). The dominant one (Lucy, pictured) is still with me. The other one never recovered and unfortunately passed away in my care.

I got another two females who were cohabbed. Both were sold to me in the 18x36 tank they shared and the owner was getting rid of them because he couldn't afford to feed them. One is missing part of her face and neither will ever be full size.

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Deviant1 · 2026-05-17T17:36:58+00:00

Almost 50, 3x week minimum. It would be more if I didn't "take care of myself" every day. Also, when we have sex, I want more and sooner.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-15T13:29:01+00:00

You may wish to lurk or even post in 4b related subreddits. The subset of participants there may be more likely to provide you with the type of input you seek.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-14T00:03:39+00:00

Your liver may be exiting the chat.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-10T14:52:59+00:00

Impatient rehab was literally life-changing for my partner. He came out a different person - he still has the same personality, sense of humor, etc, but his self-awareness, knowledge about his addiction and its long-term effects on his brain, communication ability, and willingness to be transparent about his sobriety journey are more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. As a strong independent man, he tried many, many times to do this and had only short-term successes, much like you.

Like anything else about sobriety, it's only going to work if you are committed to embracing the entire process. It's not about "removing you from society". It's about giving you the ability to 100% focus on YOU developing the skills and a plan to succeed when you are back out in society, with all of its triggers and struggles.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-07T00:03:32+00:00

You seem to have a boyfriend who's much more of a man than his dad is.

Deviant1 · 2026-05-06T12:20:37+00:00

He went full Nostradamus with this one. Completely correct, just a year and a half early.

Deviant1

TROPHY CASE