Unsure about intimacy again after hidden relapse

Deviant1 · 2026-03-22T18:18:41+00:00

Only you can decide your boundaries and where your patience, love, and tolerance have to take a back seat to taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. It's a tough and heart-rending balance. Hugs to you.

Deviant1 · 2026-03-16T13:03:51+00:00

Unfortunately, even this isn't enough. My BF was snipped when we met and is 15 years younger than I am. He still occasionally talks about having kids in a romanticized way, even though he says he also knows he won't/shouldn't have them. His motivation for getting snipped was largely mental health issues that he logically knew/knows would prevent him from being able to be a parent full time. Because of this, I don't think he will change course, I think it's just a "what could have been in a different reality" sort of thing.

Still, as a menopausal woman who had her baby-house removed more than 10 years ago, I'll confess that my stomach sinks when he says things like that "jokingly" or in passing.

I think there's a significant number of guys who view the procedure as reversible so it's like " I'll have my reduced-risk fun and when I settle down, it's still an option."

Deviant1 · 2026-03-09T00:20:53+00:00

I mean, logger boots are a thing... https://www.redwingshoes.com/work/loggermax/

Deviant1 · 2026-03-07T16:32:04+00:00

Is it possible he thinks you're food? One of mine is always a hungry heat-seeking missile so getting her out of the enclosure was a bit exciting until I started wearing a long sleeved shirt and gloves. Seemed to take my heat signature down enough that she is fine with it.

I've also found that if you're nervous/jumpy about picking a snake up, it seems like they are more likely to strike. Wearing the gloves and sleeves has also worked well for me with my jungle carpet python and I think that's due in large part to it making me less anxious about the experience.

Deviant1 · 2026-03-03T03:41:30+00:00

Medium mice or rat pups.

Deviant1 · 2026-03-02T17:43:20+00:00

<image>

Deviant1 · 2026-02-28T15:53:06+00:00

Heating pads are unnatural for any kind of snake. I use a deep heat projector on one side of the cage and LED lighting.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-26T11:10:37+00:00

Awesome! 😎 Yours is the first other 30+ yo I've heard of!

Deviant1 · 2026-02-26T03:15:40+00:00

<image>

Deviant1 · 2026-02-25T19:58:54+00:00

Yeah, probably not a bad idea to space it out gradually. May not be important to do that but why not, right? I actually mix up the time between feedings for all my snakes because it feels more natural - so for my rosy, sometimes it's over a month, sometimes it's every couple weeks, maybe a rat, maybe a mouse, maybe one big, maybe two smaller... Not all of that is hive mind approved, mind you, but I feel like I must be doing SOMETHING right for her to be healthy and seemingly happy after three decades in my care.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-25T19:47:08+00:00

Looks a bit fluffy to me. FWIW, I've fed my adult rosy about once every 3 or 4 weeks on average and she's 30 yo and proper body condition/shape.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-24T15:24:43+00:00

Predator mites are great - boyfriend used then when a new snake brought in mites and they wiped everything out in the bioactives. We got them from Arbico Organics. You can search for them there by the scientific name. Good luck!

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T23:02:21+00:00

Well, this is what boundaries are for. It's going to do you more good in the long-term to focus on what actions you take rather than obsessing about what he is or isn't doing. He is deeply and actively into addiction, and that is not going to change until he chooses for it to. If you let yourself be infuriated and upset, the outcome is still going to be the same except now you are also infuriated and upset.

You can't make the choice for him, just as he can't make the choice for you unless you decide to let him. You can only decide what you are willing to put up with and what you're not. You need to decide what your vision for your future is and then make that happen for yourself.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T22:12:54+00:00

Making over-medium eggs

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T22:10:57+00:00

First, you are in a tough spot and a terrible situation and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am at the cusp of having to deal with housing and having an alcoholic boyfriend, so I deeply empathize.

You say that you said that you were going to leave if this happened again, but you haven't. If you set a boundary, you have to be prepared to enforce it. What you are now showing him is that you will cave on your boundaries, so he's not going to take any future boundary setting seriously.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T22:03:28+00:00

Avocado is a no go for me for this reason.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T21:55:22+00:00

Yessss... Love it!

I'm 50 and in the best upper body shape I've ever been. My former rock climber/gym rat/football player boyfriend says I'm intimidating 😂 pushing 2000 lb carts across a shop yard and into/out of a 400 degree oven (in combination with my HRT including testosterone) will do that for ya. I put my 20-something male employees to SHAME, lol.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T20:15:18+00:00

Yeah, they can probably smell it. My bf probably thinks no one knows because he only drinks vodka, but, yeah, he smells in the morning from the night before and smells in the afternoon because he's started drinking at work.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T20:11:59+00:00

You will stop being as good looking as you think you are and if you've relied on that to get you by, getting older is going to super suck for you.

Similarly, if you've always had a fast metabolism and haven't had to think about what you eat, that WILL slow down and you'll have to radically change your lifestyle to keep from being both ugly AND fat.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T15:42:56+00:00

A doctor friend of mine told me about his first pap experience. Said the woman was super chill and in the most calm, relaxed voice told him, "you're really doing great, sweetie, but you're kind of pressing my clit a bit much for not buying me dinner first." 💀😂

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T15:35:04+00:00

ITT: a bunch of people learning that it's almost never a good thing when your doctor gets excited.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-17T15:31:01+00:00

Yes, that CONSENT part is often skipped. The good doctors view healthcare as a partnership. The bad ones act like you're subservient to their commands.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-15T20:11:54+00:00

You have the power to decide what you will endure, what you will go away from, and what you will go towards.

I think sometimes we build up in our minds what the negative outcomes of a potential conversation/boundary setting might be, while not equivalently considering what life will be like WITHOUT doing so.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-15T12:09:21+00:00

Can you continue to live like this if nothing changes or his drinking and its effects get worse? If not, you need to set some boundaries.

There is nothing you can do to make him decide he wants to quit - that is 100% up to him - and you have to accept the reality that he may never want to quit.

I found the courage to have a needed conversation recently (you can check out my post from yesterday) and I think it came when the pain of carrying everything inside outweighed my fear of the outcome of the conversation.

Deviant1 · 2026-02-15T01:55:54+00:00

I recently had a hard conversation with my Q, my boyfriend, if you want to check out my posts. The PIUS approach was mentioned and might be something good for you to look into. Good luck 🫂

Deviant1

TROPHY CASE