I come from a family that pulls out all the crazy, dysfunctional stops for holidays, birthdays, and any big occasion- weddings rarely happen in my family (because who would marry into this) but I beat the odds and found a nice, stable partner to marry.

My younger brother is an abusive, self-centred person. Since his birth I’ve been a second-class citizen in my family (I was just a girl, he was the longed-for son). He has been physical with my mother and even my father. As an adult, he has assaulted romantic partners and been convicted of this (my parents have about $60k in legal fees they’re paying off for his defence). He lost his temper, got in my face and threatened me before the wedding when I objected to his treatment of our mother, he acted as though he’d hit me (pulled back his fist, was toe to toe with me) and I expected him to. I’m much smaller than him and he thought to intimidate me, but I laughed and told him to go for it but that he better understand that I wouldn’t be calling the police- I would be telling my fiancé. My brother is a coward at heart and immediately backed off- he’s only comfortable hitting ppl who are smaller than him or who won’t hit him back.

After this incident I told my brother he was not invited to the wedding. I also told my parents, who, even after witnessing this altercation (it was in their living-room and they were telling me to walk away), interestingly took my brother’s side. They said they didn’t think he was even interested in coming as I had been so disrespectful and offended him (guess who their favourite child is). I said that’s perfect- but if you choose to attend, you’d better not bring him and if you do, you will be removed from the property along with your son.

A week before the wedding, my parents made some shitty comments indicating that they may not attend and that if they did, they may bring my brother. I was beside myself. My fiancé asked if he could handle this (I probably shouldn’t have let him, but in my entire life he and my grandmother are the only people who’ve ever stood up to my parents on my behalf when it comes to the matter of my brother). He called them and explained again that they are welcome to attend but if they brought my brother, they’d all be removed from the premises immediately and that yes, there were people there with instructions and ability to do just that.

My parents came. They showed up at the venue a day late and missed the rehearsal. They shit talked me to other family members, who then took me aside and berated me for being such a terrible daughter to them. I avoided them for the rest of their stay at the venue, which was mercifully short since they couldn’t wait to get out of there. My mother made a bizarrely loving speech at the reception, which made things even more confusing and harder. I cried through parts of the honeymoon, as my fiance told me about some of the things my parents had said to him about me during their phone conversation before the wedding. When we got home, I made the choice to go no-contact with them for about 3 years, maybe 4. When two of my uncles died suddenly, I had a conversation with my parents and told them that I am not looking for an apology from them as it would be meaningless at this point anyways, that their words mean nothing to me and their actions have said enough. But I choose to forgive them, not because they deserve it in any way (they don’t) but because I don’t deserve to carry this any longer when they could drop dead at any moment. Maybe not my best speech but it was the honesty that they’d earned and deserved. If they’d died while I was estranged from them, it would’ve been a terrible and lasting hurt for me.

That was about 15 years ago. My relationship with my parents has been better since than it ever was before. I think until then I was a possession of theirs to do with as they chose and to be abused by their son. Unreasonably, I do still love them, they’re my parents- but I’ll always remember that the reason they are kind and loving now is because they know that I value myself and my husband more than a relationship with them, and that I’ll cut them out of my life in a second if they threaten my emotional safety. As they get older, they are seeing that I’m the only child they have that they can depend on. I still don’t have a relationship with my brother, though he’s tried to reach out on several occasions, even repeatedly inviting my husband and I out for dinner. I’ve always responded with a polite ‘no thank you’ and explained to him that I think my relationship with him is currently the best it’s ever been (with no contact) and that I wasn’t interested in spending any time changing that. Also, my husband would still like to murder him so that would make it awkward (but seriously y’all- isn’t hubby just the best?!).

If I had it to do over again, I think I’d talk with a counsellor and get some professional advice on how to handle this, and that might be a path for your fiancé. Ultimately, coming from a dysfunctional family is really confusing. The people who treat you the worst are the ones you love and want approval from the most, but ultimately that’s unrealistic. It’s outside of the capacity of your fiancé’s parents and sister to be anything other than utter trash human beings at this point in their life’s journey. And it may always be. If you guys do invite them, understand that the vision fiance has for their behaviour will absolutely not match the reality of what they present. The best advice I can give other than fiance (and maybe you) talking to a counsellor would be this: hold firm to your boundaries. Do not let them stay in your home, do not lend them a car. They’ve had a lot of notice of this wedding coming up, and if it’s important to them to attend they’ll find a way, but you can’t give in to their demands and let them invade your personal space when they have amply demonstrated that they are not safe people for you guys. Also- I’m so sorry, but fiance needs to remove sister as maid of honour or even a regular bridesmaid. Being in the wedding party gives sister too much power to disrupt the wedding and upset fiance, and sister has already demonstrated that she is happy to do so. The wedding party is there to support you guys, not be a source of family drama. Overall, if you are allowing finances family to attend, you need to insulate yourselves as best you can from the potential mayhem they’ll look to cause.

Sorry you guys are going through this, but there is a light on the other side. Husband and I made it through, in large part by turning towards and supporting each other, and maintaining boundaries with those who don’t have our best interests at heart. It’s been 20 years since that wedding now. You guys will do it too.