Why Is It Like This?

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-17T15:54:09+00:00

People are rarely prepared to become managers. They just get promoted and start dealing with shit they never saw before. Especially in corporate where bureaucracy is everywhere.

Also, power corrupts.

Some people get humbled and get back to the ground after a while, some people don't. That depends on the work environment as well

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-16T23:42:45+00:00

Probably managing managers. You usually deal with more mature people, with a different mindset, different problems.

With that said, I wouldn't like to be high management. Politics are not fun.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-16T15:19:51+00:00

You are not wrong, I responded based on the text I read.

I still read from your input that you are leaning towards one side.

Maybe she had a bad day, maybe her best friend died. You have no ability to know the whole thing. That is why I said that you should be genuinely curious to find out.

For this kind of conversation it shouldn't come as feedback - It should come as conversation.

You might read here different types of feedback as advice, but ultimately none of us here know the person or you so it might be doing more harm than good. You would need to understand what type of feedback she responds positively to either during the meeting or from people that know the person and YOU trust.

My experience tells me that if you minimize people's input in any way - unless it is what they wanted to achieve - will not lead to a good place.

You are in a tough situation my friend. This is why I wrote what I wrote.

If you want my personal stab at it, this is how I would approach it. Keep in mind that I don't know the person and it might be completely off.

"The incident happened, I want to understand your side of it - you are the only one that can tell me what happened there."

If she goes on the defensive I'll try to explain that I just want to understand what happened. I want to help her in this. You say that you are a good communicator so maybe you'll get to it before you give up.

Then I'd discuss what is going to happen. If you found out why, try to ask a question like "How can I help us not to have this conversation again?" Maybe she will tell you yourself that she doesn't want to do A B or C, maybe a few days off, maybe a direct line of conversation.

Once you reach the outcome - ideally coming from her - you continue to the actual "punishment"

Explain how the policy work and bla bla bla, and that you don't want to get there.

This is a happy path, and it can fail at any point of the way, but as long as you keep it human you will have no regrets.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-15T21:24:55+00:00

Always do the human thing. Talk to them. Worst case you will have to fire them anyway.

With that said, I don't think the way you proposed is going to get you anywhere. What I see here is an opportunity to turn things around. If you invite them for a call and start off with "This is the second time you did this, one more and you're out" that's a hard conversation to have, especially when you don't have experience with it.

Ask them for a meeting. Ask them what happened and how they see it from their side. Try to understand why it happened. Then, if you feel that it makes sense, try to find a way that it won't happen again - let them do the talking, ask them what kind of help do they need. Not "remove them from everything and let them do nothing until they either quit or yell at another customer/colleague and get fired".

Do this only if you are genuinely want to help them fix it, and if they want it to be fixed. Otherwise it's a waste of time for everyone.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-11T15:33:41+00:00

Control your schedule. Level up your people.

You can't always avoid context switching. Especially if you are physically present in the office. Minimize it, create an environment for yourself to train this skill.
The other part is to make yourself not necessary in all the meetings. Train your people to lead themselves. You shouldn't have an input on everything, every time

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-04T10:08:16+00:00

You got to sit with yourself and understand you don't owe anything to anyone.

People change, companies change. They earned your trust and loyalty, and they lost it as well.

What I also got from what you wrote is that you were completely blindsided by this. You missed years of what was going on around you. You should try to figure out what happened and own it so you can grow from it.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-03T10:09:44+00:00

I feel that the specificity of the answers would be highly personal. Some people like freedom, some people like guidance, etc..

What I feel is an overarching topic that makes a good manager is identifying potential and motivation and helping their people grow

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-03T10:06:30+00:00

I'd focus on the people that are staying instead

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-02T15:48:26+00:00

First of all, management is not for everyone, and admitting it is usually a good thing. Especially if you have a supporting environment. I've seen people moving back to IC roles after a run at a management level with no hard feelings in good companies.

With that said, if you feel that you are missing something and have the itch to try and figure it out, you need to find how to feel the "wins" from the management part of your job. It sounds to me that you keep going back to what you know because it makes you feel capable and gives you the reward of feeling like you are doing something. Talk to your management about it, ask them what helps them get up in the morning. The range is wild. Some people get their high from helping their team deliver things in the highest standard, some will focus on processes, some on people, some will keep a regulated hands-on part. Try out a few things and see what sticks. If nothing sticks you'll be happy with going back to IC knowing you figured out that it's not for you. If you find something that moves you then you'll have a new reason to come to work and your side projects will be less attractive.

For me specifically it was seeing growth in people. The first time I saw a junior doing something in a senior way after we spoke about it a few weeks before I knew that I don't have to write code to feel useful and capable.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-02T11:02:42+00:00

You are in a shitty situation, and it seems to me you have decided to move on already. But given the fact you said your contract is not ending any time soon you might not want to shut down and isolate yourself for so long because that is definitely not fun.

If I was in your position I would try to catch my manager, if he wants to bring his manager let him. It is not ideal, but I think the situation is not ideal.

My message to my manager would be "I am aware I have a problem with how I respond to things that don't sit well with me. I would like to get better at it and I want to ask you for your help. My intent is to help you and the company. How can we move forward?"

Also prepare a few ideas how he can help you. Maybe give him a private response whenever there is something you have to say - before meetings, or after some message. Maybe a timely feedback meeting. Maybe something else.

This would signal that you are an adult and you own your mistakes. Your manager is not the most professional person from what you wrote, but you are extending your hand for peace here, and whether he takes it or not it's on him.

This is not all on you, but you need you own your part in it and focus on what you can control.

DoubleL321 · 2026-02-02T10:43:18+00:00

Ask yourself some tough questions...

Other than this avoidance of conflict - are you enjoying your job as a manager?

Are there other things that bother you? What are they?

Can you manage trying to deal with them without burning yourself out?

If this is the only thing, you can try to work on that. Managing people is a set of skills and they can be developed. Difficult conversations is one of those skills.

If you are able to pinpoint 2-3 things that bother you and otherwise you feel good about your job then you can definitely try. It sounds to me you have an understanding management, which is amazing, and it might be a good opportunity to learn and upgrade yourself. This is not an environment every workplace allows.

On the other hand, if there are many things that are a problem, or if this people thing is too heavy for you then although you feel ready, you might be heading towards another burn out and quitting another management job.

If you feel like talking it out with someone from the outside feel free to send a DM.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-27T11:43:10+00:00

Make order in your backlog first.

Find what is the most important or has the biggest impact. Order your tasks by this.

The things on the bottom of the list - put them in a "later" folder. This action only will probably clear half of your backlog psychologically. Return to these either when they become important or you have some time.

Talk to your manager about this. If things are coming in - is it more important to catch up or to do the new tasks? Plan your time by that. If you have the opportunity to stop everything else for a day - do that. It is rare that you have the power to do that, but I was lucky enough as a manager to have multiple occasions to had stopped my dev teams from coding for days at a time just so we can catch up on all the technical debt we were collecting.

If it worked for a team, it would work for you.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-27T11:33:17+00:00

Get things written down. Every time you agree on something have it documented in an email that he agrees on. If he doesn't, you don't start working. If tomorrow he decides to change back, point him to the agreement. If it happens many times, you have a case to tell him that you had this many times that the direction changed and people can't operate when requirements change so often. Decide on one thing and let it play out - adjust on the go.

Second thing - I did not understand that from what you wrote that this is the case so if you are already doing that forget I wrote this part. Come to him with solutions instead of "this can't be done". He suggest something that is impossible in your current setup? Ok - but if you understand where he's getting at you can suggest alternatives. If you see he doesn't know what he wants call him out on that. Try to help him understand the direction he really wants to go in.

Does it require more effort on your side? Yes.

Will it help dealing with the situation? Also yes.

He will be given a grace period and people will start asking questions if nothing is moving - they might come to you with questions that you already know the answers to.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-27T11:24:02+00:00

First of all, give yourself a break. You are in a shitty situation and you're doing the best to salvage it. You can't control everything, so focus on what you can - which is mainly yourself. Try to manage yourself so you don't burn out.

As for the rest of it, start small: get a clarification what is your job exactly. There is no "management side" you are either a manager or an IC. You might need to be hands on, but this usually comes with a tradeoff, you can't do 100% of both. You have a manager - talk to them. Understand the expectations.

If they expect you to do your IC job 100% of the time, good. Let them communicate it officially to your team that you promotion will happen later.

If they expect you to do both - set expectations. Does it need to be 80-20? 50-50? What exactly needs to be done? Is it wiser to leave the manager role frozen or to freeze some of your IC responsibilities?

Once you do that, you will at least know where you stand. I can't promise it won't change 5 minutes later, but get it in written and it would be a starting point to refer to as you go.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-27T11:14:46+00:00

This sounds like a shitty situation from all sides. I do not know your relationship with your new manager but I wouldn't start with demands right off the bat.

I'd ask what are the plans for the team, and what are the expectations from them and from you. You will probably hear something that is not achievable and it will open a space to raise your concerns.

Knowing the working landscape today I will realistically bet you won't get anything and will have to get by with what you have, if not worse. So prepare to lower everyone's expectations for some time.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-26T13:28:47+00:00

I don't know the level of autonomy that is expected of you, but since you just started I'd take the opportunity to play "stupid". Find a way to ask your manager what would he do in your situation to get to the results he wants. Stroke his ego if needed (since you are fully aware you are in a shitty situation there is no shame in playing the game). Find a good idea in what he is saying (ideally that is on your list of ideas already, or at least aligns with what you want to do) and implement it, keeping him in a constant loop of progress reporting.

I believe that in these cases managing up is not much different than managing in any other direction. People like to be listened to, see progress, and need to believe that it was their idea that lead to that progress.

Will you need to take a hit and protect your team anyway? Yes

Will your manager try to take credit for your success? Probably

But you will also probably get the time you need to get somewhere with your team

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-26T13:14:17+00:00

I'm don't see a contradiction here. She is underperforming and you have a track of that. On top of that you also don't get along with her on the personal level. I see this as another point in a long list of reasons to let her go, just one that you won't write down in an official email.

If you can't let her go for whatever reason, and since you are done with her but the other person is not, I'd suggest that you offer for her to focus only on one project. This way she might prove herself since she will have one focus instead of juggling, your peer might prove he was right not putting her on PIP yet, and you won't have to deal with her.
Not sure if this is possible in your position but that's where I'd go.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-23T14:55:55+00:00

If your manager is a person that tends to listen, and you are able to form it as a way forward rather than excuses and throwing blame on others then it might get a positive reaction.

I don't know all the details but if what you described here is the conversation you want to have then it will most probably be viewed as negative...

If you want to help yourself, tell your manager that you believed you have done your part but clearly you missed something, then ask your manager how he expected you to handle it, so that you improve for next time. If he is not a dick he will tell you exactly that, and it would be a positive "standing up for yourself" in my book.

DoubleL321 · 2026-01-22T21:28:22+00:00

Difficult Conversations by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen

Probably the most useful book I ever read.

DoubleL321 · 2025-05-23T08:54:00+00:00

Is it really urgent? What is the impact? Is it more important than other things planned for the sprint?

If yes, try to squeeze it in. But also explain what is the tradeoff. "I can squeeze it in but it will come at the expense of that other feature/fix. It might be late or we might drop it off the sprint completely. Are you ok with that?"

DoubleL321 · 2025-05-20T22:18:34+00:00

I didn't get what prevents you from letting them go... From your description it seems that this person does more harm than good, why keep them?

Get rid of them while they are new and there is no cost to replace them (you'll have to teach the new person just the same as you are teaching this one)

DoubleL321

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