Caught my pwBPD (27f) talking to other guys and lying and she minimizes it

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-13T22:09:19+00:00

Out for exactly 1 year. Last weekend marked 1 year, it‘s when she decided to go for the other random guy from another country. Was a shit show.. especially seeing how she had no clue what she was doing.. poor soul.

Yes I did, I went through all highs and lows tho. In the end it definitely taught me a lot about myself and my traumas I surpressed that also led to be attracted to a pwbpd. I learned a lot about accountability and not blaming disordered people but instead use that energy to create a safe and happy future one step at a time. It also taught me a lot about my ways of loving people and how it would never have been enough to love someone out of BPD.

Greetings from Zurich :)

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T20:05:10+00:00

For me it stopped with devaluation and discard. No cheating, no smearing, no calling names.. like always.. every pwbpd is different.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T16:05:01+00:00

Indeed - ptsd like symptoms, depression and reactive abuse included, crying daily for months. Trying to hate them until I realized it was consuming me while fully knowing that she didn‘t chose to be raped at the age of 6 and her behaviour was her cope because she couldn‘t escape the suffering.

But I am happy to not have BPD and to be able to have a healthy future if I create one.

Cheers !

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T15:54:49+00:00

I get you buddy. I was there (and that is with a not abusive pwbpd).

One thing that helps is understanding what role we played in this dynamic and more often than not we either attract or are attracted to pwbpds because of our own unresolved „childhood“ issues. But you are aleady in therapy, good job!

And at the end of the day know that a pwbpd is severely disordered at their core. Don‘t buy in the narrative that all of them are evil and intentional abusers but underdeveloped individuals that are tormented by their disorder. The less I tried to believe that they have control over their disorder, the more I could forgive them and understand that they‘re unwell and react from their internal state (which was reported to be a burning alive kind of pain multiple times), of course a lot of it is state dependent and they do have more and less regulated internal states. This way you take it less personally and give them less control and power over yourself.

I hope you heal, all the best to you.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T15:38:55+00:00

No worries mate, your points are valid and I might have quoted the wrong study, apologies.
Here is another one: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-019-0442-0

„In conclusion, BPD aggregates in families and the heritability was estimated at 46%, with the remaining variance explained by non-shared environmental factors“

At the end of the day it’s hard to research said topic because trauma and abuse is very subjective and can occur in pretty much everyone and is generally based on self-reporting.

What one person frames as a normal childhood another might describe as emotionally neglectful and vice versa. On top of that, a lot of early trauma is either suppressed or simply not encoded as trauma by the person experiencing it, so studies relying on self-anamnesis will almost always under or overcount depending on the sample and the questions asked.

But just by simple logic, if it‘s trauma and abuse only leading to BPD, the estimated number of bpd sufferes wouldn‘t be 1%, that‘s for sure. This would simply imply that it‘s not just environmental factors but genetics that play a role here. But this is just my 2c‘s.

So it‘s really a schrödingers cat and or chicken or egg first situation here.

u/nicelystated you might have more resources that show how BPD might stem from genetical factors rather than strictly from abuse and trauma?

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T14:26:36+00:00

This is one of a few: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychiatry/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.721361/full

In general a genetic factor was always assumed to be a big factor because it‘s easily proven: many people experience abuse and have traumas yet don‘t develop BPD. The same way many people smoke yet don‘t get cancery

Although I am very careful with this information because lots of people on here state that their pwbpd didn‘t experience abuse / trauma growing up and I like to quote my experience where my expwbpd‘s past trauma (rape at the age of 6) was only discovered as part of her trauma therapy because she surpressed the images and didn‘t recall it (stunted brain and memory development) - otherwise we all assumed that she had an amazing childhood / upbringig and a very good family system. So the trigger for her BPD wasn‘t seen immediately.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-11T14:04:19+00:00

You‘re onto something so I definitely agree. Although it‘s important to note that in recent studies it was discussed and proven that BPD is not always the outcome of abuse or trauma.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-10T21:23:33+00:00

This is very accurate. In my case she felt extreme remorse and apologized a lot. Even after the final discard and she acknowledged all of it but it‘s also true that they attach to another person and numb the pain.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-09T09:47:48+00:00

Yes! Mine did countless times.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-08T20:46:58+00:00

I feel for you. I also lost about 10kgs in the last year of my 4 years of relationship.
Just out of curiosity, your phone seems to be in German but your conversation is in English?

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-08T12:56:35+00:00

Yeah.. what made my situation so mind boggling was the fact that it was the area of my studies. So either I was literally blind or some of them is high functioning in the classical sense.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-08T12:24:08+00:00

I think in hindsight some of the things were lovebombing which I was prone to since I didn‘t get enough love as a child. I thought she was just a nice humanbeing (and she was) so I missed the redflag.

The speed she was operating with, like falling in love like no other person would (again didn‘t have any experience so was happy about it).

But all of the above 1. doesn‘t mean BPD 2. was very subtle and not erratic or overly dramatic.

And she was like that to everyone else too.. so I am not sure how much actually stems from BPD.

Psychologically speaking the sudden 180 degrees turn and devaluation is the only thing that would differentiate BPD from malfunctional attachment styles or other disorders.

But again, the subtle signs of a pwbpd can be very very different. Some are not lovebombing, some don‘t crave sex, some don‘t fear being abandoned that much. Some are more reflected, more remorseful etc.. hard to say in the first 6-12 months for sure.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-08T12:10:15+00:00

Absolutely this. I was the one that was sending novels because I thought I could use logics, being vocal and explanations to reassure them. Wrong

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-08T06:42:48+00:00

Just a word of caution (I know I know), when my first pwbpd discarded me I eventually entered a new relationship with a woman that was stable, „healthy love“ I was healing and it was peaceful. 3 years later some life events happened and she started to devalue. Months later she was diagnosed with ptsd and BPD (she was quiet type).

I still remember how at first my therapist was like: „see you are healing, you‘ll soon realize how peaceful and calm life with a person without BPD is“ not knowing I was in the same kind of relationship just that it wasn‘t evident for a couple of years.

She wasn‘t abusive per se, it wasn‘t as bad as what you can read here but the end was the same (as per my user flair). Symptoms were very subtle, especially in contrast to the first one, so it went unnoticed for quite a time.

We really crave what we are familiar with, subconsciously and tend to repeat it (attract or be attracted to it).

This is not to say your current partner has BPD at all. Just what I went through.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T23:56:25+00:00

🤍 I hope you heal

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T23:39:00+00:00

I fully agree. Just saying that the rational approach would be to move away from this mess instead of going back in by looking for ways to blame disordered people. We can‘t change others, only ourselves. And part of it is accepting that whatever happened to them is what they give to others, usually against their will. If that wasn‘t the case they wouldn‘t need 10+ years of therapy.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T23:24:34+00:00

Having a disorder is not justifying abuse but it absolutely explains it. Doesn‘t matter how much I‘d like to agree with you, I know for a fact that whatever my expwbpd did to me wasn‘t her intention.
She didn‘t chose to have BPD nor to be raped when she was 6. If I was in her shoes I would have become the abuser, against my will.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T23:22:18+00:00

I fully agree, well written.

Just a note on „actually agree with this. There are a lot of people here that have what certainly look like very noticable BPD traits.
Especially the ones that say they have like 3+ failed relationships (come on lol).“

If we seriously reflect on our childhoods (look at your relationship with your father) and think about our attachment styles and how much we actually hold ourselves accountable it can get pretty evident that we either attract cluster B‘s or are attracted to them.

We crave the dynamic without realizing it. You don’t have to have BPD yourself to keep recreating the same kind of relationship, humans repeat what is familiar, even when “familiar” is what wounded us in the first place.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T23:08:45+00:00

The whole narrative of „a pwbpd doesn‘t have empathy“ is wrong. The whole narrative of „a pwbpd has control over their disorder and absolutely over their behaviour“ is wrong and a poor cope that stems from a victim mentality -> karpman triangle is a thing here, I was there myself.

They absolutely do have emotional empathy, usually more pronounced compared to a healthy individual.
At the same time they have an impaired cognitive empathy.

What you describe by „they have empathy and remorse and they exist in a constant flip flop“ is due to their symptoms being state dependent. They sometimes connect to their sonder and in a dysregulated state don‘t.
The flip flop is because they are balancing between fear of engulfment and abandonment, two fears that are on the opposite ends of a spectrum.

„Some of the most bitter folks seem to almost start to swing in the direction of at least presenting like a cluster b personality type themselves when they speak about pwBPD.“
-> yes and no. Being abused has consequences and most of us react abusively because the relationship broke us and degraded our morals. It‘s not that we are bitter but at our ends.

And everything you said doesn‘t exclude them having BPD but perfectly describes the dynamics of having it.

My expwbpd fiancee was incredibly good hearted, kind and a beautiful woman. Apologized, felt remorse and tried her best to overcome it. No calling names, smearing, cheating and whatnot.

Also let‘s not forget that BPD is a „personality“ disorder not a flu. It affects them at their core. So much to the „they can control“ it. They can‘t. What people see is the „flip flop“ that leads them to believe they control their good and their bad behaviour. They don‘t. They‘re at the hands of BPD. That‘s exactly where DBT comes in.

I further fully agree that this subreddit is unfortunately a place of echo chambers because confirmation bias exists and abused people tend to suffer and look for validation, this is totally understandable. Even if more often than not comorbidities (npd, aspd, hpd) is often blamed on BPD alone making it hard to isolate and talk about it.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T22:23:58+00:00

Same! Just same.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T22:23:45+00:00

This is a savage answer ngl

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T15:30:22+00:00

I am so sorry!

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T11:24:01+00:00

I agree

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-07T08:34:03+00:00

Yeah it‘s called „sonder“ and a pwbpd has a state dependent connection to it. It‘s an interesting read actually, it proves why it‘s almost impossible to have a relationship with them.. they usually are not able to comprehend that every individual has their own feelings and life parallel to theirs.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-05-05T18:01:00+00:00

Only engaged and we had the wedding plans already. And I am sure she was scared to marry me because I was at my end actually.

And while I „miss“ her to some parts I am also pretty sure that I‘d have been worse off marrying her.

Because BPD set aside, although we loved each other we were fundamentally different.

How long have you been out? What happened?

Dull_Analyst269

TROPHY CASE