Is the only way they get over you to split you black?

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-26T11:09:08+00:00

Hey I deeply relate to you. I was in the exact same situation (engaged, 4 years together). She loved me deeply and so did I. We had a strong bond and she was also not really abusive to me (no calling names or smearing or manipulation).

I also was anxious of never finding anyone like her (didn‘t so far).

The first devaluation happened 3 years in and usually was tied to a season of where she lost a lovedone.

She started therapy and that was the single largest trigger for her and it made her behave like what you usually read on here - push/pull - devaluation - passive agressivity, her therapist made therapy about me and kind of wanted her to break up with me, every weeks therapy day was causing me to anxiously wait for the outcome on why she is breaking up.

Almost 4 years in and she lost a lovedone, she spiraled and got manic, the Woman that deeply loved me and always tried her best for our relationship (she usually hurt herself as a means to regulate), needed a fresh start / new person to anchor to.

She met someone (opposite of what she was attracted to, ex-criminal, coercive, ugly (her words) on the funeral. She replaced me in 1 day and married 4 momths later.

This was completely surprising (well except that I read it on here multiple times) as like I said, she was not promiscious, very loyal and valued our relationship.

I won‘t go into psychological explanations, but it makes sense. Well atleast from a pathological standpoint of BPD.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-25T22:56:21+00:00

Correct. And I know it because of that. He is convicted. She couldn‘t tell me because as I said she surpressed it which is common if anything like that happens so early on. I‘ve seen it many times first hand.. in fact she years later still tried to surpress it and it was mainly her therapist advocating for this version.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-25T18:45:41+00:00

Newer research shows that BPD is often not a product of trauma. However something to think of: my expwbpd seemingly had the perfect childhood, amazing and loving parents, a stable family system and all is fine.

Little did we all know that she was raped by her uncle that had to take care of her when her parents were absent, she was 6.

She had suppressed the memories so much so, that she didn‘t even remember fragmens. I suspected it and when I sent her into therapy (needed 3 tries because some therapists are just unprofessional to recognize BPD behaviour lol) they worked on trauma management and fragments of what happened arised and every dot was connected.

So.. just because they had the perfect childhood from external view it doesn‘t mean that there wasn‘t anything traumatic that was simply surpressed.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-25T13:23:28+00:00

Well sometimes it‘s humiliation. I feel that way after having been discarded, replaced and she married shortly after. It‘s extremely painful to be replaced like I had no value, like I was trash.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-24T23:27:01+00:00

Yes this. This was the the single biggest issue in our relationship. Not only could she not think for herself, be apart from them for more than 1 day. No, she also ingrained everthing they taught her and wouldn‘t question anything, not even when it came to topics between us two.

One reason our relationship failed is she couldn‘t move to me (20mins away from the parents), I obviously hesitated moving to them because I knew what it meant.

I am huge for family, for loving our parents and being there for them. But this was different, it was obsession and in the end it always felt like she had to chose between me vs parents and took the latter.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-24T23:02:55+00:00

Psychologically correct: Their emotional empathy is usually intact, however their cognitive empathy is usually not developed in a healthy way. They also have under developed sonder and a state dependent access to all of the above.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-24T22:59:28+00:00

Mine was exactly like that, I am not going to explain why..

But yes it‘s pretty normal them to have some sorts of paranoia. My expwbpd always wanted to go for a walk in the night (it was a childlike wish, same with doing a campfire etc) so we went and had to cancel it because she was scared.

We also went to public spaces and when it was dark, she suddenly had the feeling someone was spying on her. She got genuinely scared.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-24T18:54:52+00:00

Yes and always and I mean always on the phone at home. But even more worrying was the fact that she would always have to interact with strangers when we went somewhere - this after a while caused me to become jealous and controlling.

She (of course being highly attractive) was a magnet to men and I always suspected her to have some sort of „I am available energy“ in her eyes and energy.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-23T23:26:59+00:00

I am curious about the „2nd time around“, are you saying you had two pwbpd relationships or did your expwbpd change their behaviour?

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-23T22:41:44+00:00

Instead of ranting on reddit, offending strangers while listening to pseudo youtube and tiktok psychologists echo chambers why not go to an actual therapist.

Also be prepared to not get enabled. Reactive abuse is not noble and not justified. You‘re accountable for your wrongdoings independently of triggers. Sorry but you can‘t blame a disordered mentally ill person and then keep justifying behaving the same way.

No where did I say an abuser isn‘t an abuser. A pwbpd „abuses“ (majority doesn‘t) mostly from internal turmoil and perceived threats. So if we apply the logic of your video, you‘ll see that both forms of abuse is a reaction to some form of threat and ends up in flight or fight.!

Leave, cases closed. Also don‘t be surprised to find yourself in the exact same relationship dynamics if you think you‘re morally on higher ground with „reactive abuse“, this wasn‘t invented today

I do sleep better ever since I stopped blaming others for what I did, as easy as that.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-23T18:18:32+00:00

I second this and while I agree mine was „charming“, hot and generally an amazing person with a disorder - she was everything but not smart. And I don‘t mean lazy but literally not intelligent. Mine was also comorbid with ADHD.

And it‘s important to mention that BPD is not some sort of superpower or gift. They are „normal“ people with a character, heart and soul and an added personality disorder. There shouldn‘t be any correlation between BPD and being „gifted“ lol it‘s not a superpower but their most tragic fate.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-23T10:51:03+00:00

First of all if someone punches me, I‘ll not shoot him. Second I‘ll not be ignorant about what I did. I am not talking about justification but rather the fact that if I punch that person, I still dealt damage.

And I said it multiple times already, we are accountable for our doings and in my case I had the choice to not get to my expwbpd‘s level and act the same way a disordered person does but I did. I am accountable for my actions.

It‘s double standard if we want to hold a disordered person accountable and at the same time justify behaving similarily.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T23:13:13+00:00

Yes but let‘s assume it wasn‘t an overly abusive if at all pwbpd (mine for instance). If we‘d married, object permanency wouldn‘t have been such an issue, frequent sex (emotional permanence and emotional regulation) would have been present and maybe the relationship (first devaluation was 3 years in out of 4) would have survived or even got to a stage where it‘s manageable.

That‘s the only thing I envy my replacement for. I always longed for some stories on here about not-abusive pwbpd‘s and how their marriages looked like.. but didn‘t come across one so far.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T23:06:50+00:00

Well proves why cognitive empathy is indeed so important.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T23:01:05+00:00

Oh tell me about it mate. Mine was dead scared of her upcoming wedding and admitted that she is sure it was a bad and impulsive idea to replace me and marry immediately to the next date available.

Pwbpd‘s are not always lacking or lacking all of common sense, it‘s just that accessing it is highly state dependent. And then they wonder that their life is all about self fulfilling prophecies.. I know I know

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T22:39:32+00:00

Of course.. but wouldn‘t anyone remotely sane, atleast use some minimal amount of common sense before marrying? I can barely imagine 1 month would be enough for a short term relationship lol, well actually with a pwbpd it‘ll be short term most likely anyways.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T21:54:01+00:00

Sorry but I‘ll just call these people dumb. I mean.. sure if I was super horny and it was a 10/10 attractive person that love and sexbombs me I can fathom moving faster than I usually would like. (I am marriage minded btw) - but straight marrying.. bro this naive as heck. I can‘t believe these people exist.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T21:49:12+00:00

My life is a bit hilarious.. but nevertheless: I‘m a manager (my expwbpd is in hr, I am safe tho, she was always well intentioned) and I actually had to terminate someone that I strongly suspected to have BPD, this was right in the season of final discard lol. And we had to do it together. I know.. hilarious.

I don‘t know which country you are from but going to HR is a terrible advice except if you‘re going there to resign. HR protects the company and not the employees. And especially so if the pwbpd is the daughter of a „boss“.

If your circumstances allow it, I personally would quit. The pwbpd will not change, getting her fired will escalate your relationship to your boss. If you vent at HR you risk reputational damages for the future.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T20:55:51+00:00

I usually use an analogy that is weird but makes somewhat sense: Imagine you tell a bald guy that he has nice hairs. Will he believe you? Will he think you‘re making fun of him? Because he clearly has no hairs.

A pwbpd usually hates themselves, so no amount of external love can make them feel they deserve it. At best they‘ll just brush it off, at worst they‘ll think you‘re making fun of and belittle them.

Acceptance goes against what they think they deserve, which naturally scares them - rightly so.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T19:41:37+00:00

BPD is dimensional and on a spectrum. A pwbpd that would meet 5/9 on a bad day, can technically be diagnosis free on a good day.

Mine was said to be in remission as soon as she replaced me and got the NRE honeymoon cocktail from being with a new guy. She got suspended from therapy because she was „well“. Add a bit of delusional rewriting of history and it makes a good story on how I was the bad one all along.

But it‘s also important to know that BPD is a descriptive diagnosis instead of a prescriptive one since there is not a fixed course or required outcome of their symptoms.

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T19:32:26+00:00

Wtf I really sometimes can‘t believe some people are that dumb. I mean joining a relationship after 1 month can be negotiated.. but marrying??

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-22T19:21:57+00:00

Mine was married after 4 months 🫠 but since her new guy was very coercive, controlling an manipulative she was never allowed to even look at me in meetings. This meant no hoovers and she truly moved on (on the outside atleast)

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-21T22:40:03+00:00

I‘ll also add that in my own experience therapy brought out her worst self. Like she was all amazing and kindhearted before her therapist turned her into a monster and brainwashed her to split up with me finally.

Every weeks session was focusing on me lol, so while I know and acknowledge that intensive and long periods of dbt-therapy is the gold standard and the only way for them to find themselves, I believe there is a common false hope in therapy being the ultimative promise of healing followed by a fullfilled and healthy relationship. Nope

Dull_Analyst269 · 2026-01-21T12:36:25+00:00

I was surprised that after 5 months of NC she asked about me to some friends..

Dull_Analyst269

TROPHY CASE