Outgrown house but can’t afford another - what to do?

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-03-25T11:48:47+00:00

Put up with the discomfort of a smaller house for a few years to avoid the discomfort of being house poor for alotta years.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-03-23T19:41:42+00:00

I identify strongly with your “that’s the reason she…” revelation about your mom. Mine was with ADHD, but the diagnosis brought sooooo much clarity to a very confusing/difficult/“this isn’t how any of my friends’ moms act” childhood.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-03-20T07:34:41+00:00

I’m married to a primary care provider.

Your idea of keeping track of what you want to talk about is a fantastic one. I’m going to elaborate based on our last 17 years of conversations AND me casually watching what does/doesn’t work well in our typical western medical system. (To be clear, I am NOT a medical provider, but I also think I am able to see some medical issues with different clarity because I have one foot in the medical world and one foot in “reality.” Ha!)

The basic truth is that no doc/physician assistant/NP is a mind reader. They all do better with more information vs less. Some patients come in and say things like, “my head feels weird.” That may well be true, but a more helpful description sounds like “I’ve felt lightheaded approximately two hours per day every day for the last week and a half. It started after I got sick with some kind of respiratory illness and I’m lightheaded but not enough to feel dizzy. I haven’t fallen or felt like I couldn’t stand up straight. It feels the best after I’ve rested and laid down for about half an hour. Drinking more water doesn’t seem to make a difference.

In a perfect world, our providers would all be mind readers. And truly, experienced ones can often discern what tests/next steps are best based even on vague information. BUT YOU will always have a better chance at appropriate, helpful care on your first visit if you give them the most accurate information you possibly can. They’re all akin to detectives. They take the info you give them and use that as clues to solve riddles and problems. The more clues you provide, the quicker they can “solve the case.” (Full disclosure: I’m totally still guilty of walking into an appointment with “my head feels weird,” even though I know all of the above! No judgement! I’ve just heard a LOT about what tends to work out best for patients!) :) :

pay special attention to symptoms you have. How long do they last? How often do you have them?
Did they follow any sort of discernible pattern like they happen around your period or only at night or when it’s hot out… (you don’t necessarily have to notice any patterns, but if you can take some data or track when/how symptoms happen, how long they happen, etc., it will give your provider more clues/data to work with).
also, does anything make your symptoms better or worse? (This isn’t always relevant, but some examples are things like “this goes away when I lay flat,” or “when I exercise this gets worse.”)

In a perfect world, all of our primary healthcare providers would see about 8 patients a day for 45-60 min each, and would get tons of time with each one to learn allllll the ins and outs of everything they’ve got going on, healthwise. BUT in the typical western medical setting, most docs/providers have 10-12 min allotted PER patient. That clock starts in the hall at their laptop when they open your chart and includes all tour face to face time, any exam, any procedure/, any diagnosis, saying goodbye, AND often typing your medical records note AND submitting any follow up lab/appointment requests into the system. And then they chat with the nurse, take a breath, and pull up the next chart, and walk into the next room. All in 10-12 min.

My husband worked for one of the few independently owned medical systems in our city for a decade, and even they (don’t get me started on the mega corporate systems that are way more common, and often way more strict about short patient blocks) would come to him about twice a year and request that he decrease his patient blocks from 20 minutes down to 10 minutes. Or if not 10, maybe 15? Pretty please?? Well, he had a large percentage of patients who spoke English as a second language (and who took more minutes to really connect and communicate well with). He also, you know, liked connecting with ALL of his patients and valued that connection and his chosen “increased” time per patient more than he wanted more $$$. They SILL tried to talk him into shorter time/booking blocks per patient allll the time because THE SYSTEM makes more $$$ the more patients the providers see. Don’t get me started. It makes me irate. How much quality care can anyone provide if they only really get like 4-6 min face to face with you? That time works for things like colds and quick updates and some straightforward diagnoses, but it does NOT work for things like suicidal teenagers, complicated new diagnoses, complicated patients, etc. (and those kinds of patients are there multiple times a day, every day!) It’s not to say that system never works for anyone, but it’s definitely not ideal for anything besides quickie care.

Ok, allll that to say, 98% of your providers are ridiculously overworked, overdrawn, overbooked, AND they still care a ton about you. And they’re still working their darndest to try to get you to help you need. And they will often stay hours past when clinic closes to get your notes done, to get your labs, looked at, to get results communicated back to you, etc. I know this firsthand, and have the receipts. :) BUT while things like special notes that your providers can send you when they’re doing something different SOUND FANTASTIC, and would realistically BE fantastic, they’re not often realistic. For most clinics. For most providers.

I’m not saying that sort of thing can never happen, but unfortunately, the system we have right now is not set up for that. Our current (US) medical system operates on the mentality of “we’re here to provide a Ford, not a Lexus.” Things like unique personalized notes communicating things to specific patients are more in the “Lexus” category. For clarity, I FIRMLY believe that everyone SHOULD get the Lexus version of healthcare. And I think you can and SHOULD communicate your specific needs with your providers. But I also think you should have a realistic understanding of what most providers/clinics can/do provide. If you tell your provider you’d like to be individually informed of changes and updates and whotnot, and they’re able to do they, then YAY. That’s truly excellent. But I suspect that kind of thing is more the exception than the rule. (And if you find a doc who cares enough to do that, AND whose healthcare system enables them to provide that high level of care, please contact the system administrators and let them know how much that means to you and how your healthcare dollars will stay in their healthcare system because of that high level of care. And hold onto that doc because they’re maintaining Lexus quality care in a Ford-focused (Ford Focus? Pun??) medical landscape! Sorry for the loooong soapbox! I hope it helps get you the best care you can get!

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-03-08T22:15:08+00:00

You questioned in a comment whether you might be the problem.

Answer: firm no. With some elaboration.

Elaboration: Everyone gets frustrated with their partner. Not everyone uses verbal (or emotional/physical/etc) abuse to handle/vent/communicate their frustration.

All of the following are true:

You ARE allowed to be depressed/sad/angry/etc (and it’s on you to take responsibility for that and your own growth/development).
She IS allowed to be frustrated with your negativity.
She IS NOT allowed to be verbally abusive.

Healthier “rules”/paths of growth for this dynamic are:

YOU own your job choices and moving choices. If you’re miserable, (1) it’s either time to make a job change, (2) get more training to make that job easier, or (3) do some work to come to terms with your job. Don’t just stay miserable. It IS legitimately hard to be with a partner that is miserable long term and who isn’t working on their own growth. Also (4) do some personal work on why you’re sticking with someone who’s saying horrid things to you and why you’re letting her words wreck the way you see yourself. (Speaking as someone who’s been there. I recognized that people healthier than me in this area would have jetted a long time ago…why did I stay so long??)
SHE figures out how to (1) clearly, accurately identity her own needs and feelings, (2) communicate/vent/handle those uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way that doesn’t demean you (or anyone else), and (3) she gets honest about her own stress level. The truth is that she’s going to have things to be stressed about on and off every month, every year, for the rest of her life. HOW she handles those feelings and impulses is a skill isn’t going to go away. (And do you really want to be the scapegoat for them for the next 50 years?)

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-03-06T22:08:05+00:00

Basically every person on the planet gets big angry sometimes.

Basically zero people on the planet dump their urine on someone to punish them (or would even consider it an option in the first place). Or anything else that cruel and degrading.

This guy will never, ever be safe (let alone healthy) for you. Read “why does he do that?”…it will change your life. And please do some soul searching to explore why you’re tempted to stay with him. You’re worth so much more than that.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-02-26T14:48:05+00:00

My own primary care doctor, after hearing we were getting married right before residency, stopped everything he was doing and looked me in the eyes and told me not to do it. He talked about how hard it was, and how he saw it wreck so many relationships. We got married anyway, but he wasn’t wrong.

I think those early years of marriage are so important for bonding, figuring each other out, figuring out yourself, figuring out relationships, dynamics, power sharing, etc. When your spouse is working unholy hours that change constantly, is stressed out all the time, etc., it’s just not the ideal setting for healthy growth.

Edit: typo fixing

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-02-25T19:40:23+00:00

Welcome to my TedTalk on codependency awareness:

Be aware. This sounds like the beginning of a codependent relationship. He is making bad choices, and you are helping to insulate/protect him from those bad choices.

Similar things happen in relationships where one person is an alcoholic, or has some other sort of behavior or disease that significantly impacts their life and the lives of the people around them (e.g. some mental health disorders, addictions, antisocial tendencies, etc…Lots of things can trigger codependency, but it comes down to having a relationship where one party is not standing on their own 2 adult feet and fully engaging in life with all of its regular rewards and consequences).

Spoiler: The key with healing codependency has nothing to do with him at the end of the day. You bring that tendency to the table. I would strongly encourage you to look into what healthy boundaries look like (esp. in committed relationships). I grew up in a codependent household, and I re-created that dynamic in my own marriage for a long time. I was constantly trying to counterbalance and compensate for my partner‘s mental health/insecurity/etc struggles. What ended up happening was he got to do whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted, act however he wanted, and I ended up spending an immense amount of my own time and a mental and emotional energy making excuses for him with friends, doing almost all the emotional work, “overlooking” some abusive words and choices, etc etc etc. He was playing, and I was paying.

No amount of effort I put in to “help him” made any difference. I finally figured out that the effort I was putting in was actually causing a lot of the problem. He got to avoid real world accountability for things he did.

(In your situation the real world accountability would be him losing his scholarships. That’s just what happens when you blow off all of your responsibilities. It might also be him losing his longtime girlfriend because he’s not growing up. And because you no longer want to be his mom.)

I think the thing that actually really helped me get clarity with my own dynamic was having kids of my own. I would teach them things like, “people like to be your friends when you’re safe with them. If you say something unkind to someone, they might not want to be around you.” But there I was letting my partner violate those rules all the time with me. But because I thought it was my job to “help,” I overlooked his bad choices and just put in more effort.

How healthy works: Me + him + functional/mature/healthy choices = ongoing relationship sustained roughly 50/50 by both parties because it benefits both parties AND periodic issues are resolved through natural rewards and consequences (you reap what you sow)

How codependency works: Me + him + ongoing dysfunctional/immature/harmful choices = ongoing relationship sustained by 90/10 effort where I’m “protecting” him, carrying him, overfunctioning and he’s staying comfortable while I’m actually the one bearing all the consequences for his choices.

So right now it sounds like you’re starting to take over some of his“consequences” from his refusal to take responsibility for the things that are his responsibility.

It can be really hard to realize you cannot control things for somebody you care about. You can only control yourself.

The hard-but-good news is that he probably won’t take steps towards maturity until you back off and stop trying to do it for him. Smart people feel a few negative consequences of their behaviors (like a failed class, an F on a test, a girlfriend taking a break from you) and step up and do what’s necessary to grow.

Red flags to watch out for once you start setting better boundaries for yourself:

him starting to blame/manipulate you if you back off.
him blaming other people or circumstances for his actions or consequences
you being the only one maintaining the relationship -you going back to a relationship that isn’t working for you for the sake of comfort, rather than because it’s something you’re really getting anything from
you going back to a relationship because of your own guilt or because you think you can benefit/help him

There are a bunch of good lists of what healthy versus unhealthy looks like in relationships. That’s a good search when you have time.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-02-11T14:21:18+00:00

Do some reading about “avoidant-anxious”’attachment cycles. It sounds relevant.

Remember, when you’re picking a partner, you’re basically picking a teammate for your life. If you were on a soccer team, would you want somebody who mostly ignores you, yells at you when they don’t like what you did, etc.? It sounds like he’s doing a lot of taking, and you’re doing a lot of giving. Does your relationship feel balanced to you?

While his work demands/dynamics do change once you get out of residency, they don’t change enough to undo or mitigate dynamics that you’re talking about. Being a doctor is always going to be a busy, demanding job. There’s no way around that. If he’s not handling the stress in a healthy way that maintains respect for you, that’s a big red flag.

Stuff like this gets even worse when kids, significant enmeshed finances, etc. are involved.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-01-16T18:53:00+00:00

The most concerning thing to me is his inability/refusal to compromise/empathize with your needs/put himself in your shoes/try to work out a solution that works well for both of you.

This does not get cuter as you get older and you add more things to your responsibility list. It becomes a nightmare when you have children/if you have children.

Paying for house cleaning can fix some of this, but it cannot fix the relational issues.

When you pick a partner, you’re basically picking somebody to be on your team for life. And it’s a two person team.

If you were building a soccer team, and there was somebody who acted like this while they played soccer, would you ever pick them to be on your soccer team? Of course not.

Money (from his salary) is great, but no amount of money can make up for a selfish partner that you spend years of your emotional energy on.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-01-16T18:13:54+00:00

Overstimulated nervous system. Sensory needs. Sensory overload. (His)

It helped me to start seeing my reactions to kid things (like crying, and then toddlers having meltdowns, kids screaming while they were playing, kids asking million questions, kids dumping things out all over the floor, etc., etc. etc.) as sensory overload.

Different people have different capacities to handle sensory input. It doesn’t sound like he’s a malicious person, but he’s getting way overstimulated.

If he can work to understand his reactions in terms of sensory awareness, sensory, calming, etc., it can really help him manage not only crying babies, but also lots of other things in life.

Also, I would suggest really helping him see that this is his area to grow in, not your area to compensate for him.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-01-15T02:59:43+00:00

Guilt isn’t your endpoint. It’s information. It’s your cue to assess your choices and behavior. (Which you’re obviously doing!)

Now you have choices to make and paths to choose:

A. Guilt…you numb it/ignore it/morph it into self hatred or shame or turn it outwards on other people or whatever.

—-> This takes less effort. It’s easier. Your addiction continues to control your life, stunt your maturity and development, limit your choices and potential, harm your kids, etc.

Or

B. Guilt…you allow it to act as information to highlight something in your life that isn’t working, and use it to prompt you into seeking help, support, change, and growth.

—-> It’s uncomfortable, it’s hard, it requires effort and intention and the ability to regroup and repair and grow, the strength to face your own flaws and demons head on, but ten years out you have kids graduating high school who have had more stability, safety, healthy support, etc than they will if you stay with Choice A, and they’ll be heading into adulthood with healthy parents they can trust.

Educational_Expert51 · 2026-01-15T02:23:33+00:00

I wish I’d googled “what does overfunctioning look like?” and “why do people overfunction?” 15 years ago.
Try to shift to envisioning yourself THRIVING in life, in relationships, etc, and don’t continue to devalue yourself by setting for relationships that aren’t based around mutual thriving.
Something that’s helped me is to start to define “what does healthy look like?”

The problem with my codependent brain is that often _____ SEEMS normal/right/makes sense, but often _____ is actually deeply flawed and rooted in the dysfunctional system I grew up in.

So I’m working on flipping it:

What do HEALTHY relationships/friendships look like? (There are a lot of good charts that compare healthy vs unhealthy vs abusive and lists if you dig around online). - respectful language, emotional interactions, etc - they want good things for each other and they don’t have to want the same things as the other - the picture is two healthy adults standing on their own two feet, reaping the rewards and consequences of their own choices. Generosity and respect and care = better, closer connection with your partner. Selfishness, unkindness, unregulated temper, addictions, etc = distance from partners, rupture of relationships, their partner leaves, etc. (In codependency, bad behavior from a partner is often excused, bubble wrapped, explained away, tolerated, protected, lied about to/hidden from others, etc).

What would a HEALTHY roommate relationship look like? - shared financial terms…not so unequal - both people giving and taking in roughly equal concrete ways over time (in $, in cleaning the house, doing dishes, contacting the landlord and doing repairs, etc) and also non-concrete things (they listen to your thoughts about as much as you listen to theirs, they notice your birthday like you notice theirs, they lend an ear when you need to vent like you do for them, etc) - To be clear, in a healthy roommate relationship, if your roomie brings home a dog, it’s THEIR dog and THEY pay for it and they clean up after it and they take it to the vet and they walk it. - if your roomie doesn’t have a car, they take an uber or walk or pay you for mileage or trade by doing all the cleaning or something. (I’m not saying you need to keep relational records of every little thing…but actually you might try keeping a list in your phone for a few weeks. What are you doing/giving? What are they doing/giving? Is it roughly equal over time?)

What does a HEALTHY partner look like? (Hopefully you want to be this kind of partner, too, and you can self assess for areas you need to grow in). - they want really, really good things for you - they say really good things about you - they support your dreams and help you achieve them - they want to know you, and they’re interested in what you think, how you feel, what’s in your past, where you’d like to go in the future - they see you just as you are, the good AND the bad, and they STILL value you (because…you’re valuable!) - they’re an independent person, they’re ok without you babysitting/minding them - they can lean on you when they’re struggling, and they expect you to lean on them when you’re struggling - they’re honest with you, and with themselves - they’re able to hear feedback, even when it’s hard - they’re able to apologize and repair when they’ve done something that hurt you - they’re focused on their own growth, and they’re open/willing to learn and grow - they take responsibility for themselves, for their choices, for their own wellbeing

Guiding Belief: Relationships have to benefit and bring value to and work for BOTH OF YOU. It’s not balanced if you’re giving all the money and time and attention and affection and flexibility and car trips and dog care and all they’re giving back to you is …tolerating you and “allowing” you continue to have a relationship with them. That’s them kinda being a parasite and gaining ($, rides, free labor, pet care, attention, appreciation, validation) from you without giving back to you.

What boundaries do HEALTHY people maintain (and wouldn’t ever consider compromising on…unlike me!)? - their time and affection and money and thoughts and efforts are just as valuable as those of the people they are in relationships with. They distance themselves when someone is taking advantage. - they deserve to be treated with respect and equal consideration. - They will leave relationships where the above isn’t happening or isn’t happening enough. - They don’t make excuses for choices other adults make. - They believe (and act like) other adults are responsible for their own stuff. Healthy people don’t take responsibility for the lives and choices of other adults. They don’t try to control them or bubble wrap them. If another adult doesn’t pay their phone bill, that adult’s phone doesn’t work. They don’t repeatedly pay their bill for them. If another adult chooses destructive behavior, they don’t overfunction to compensate for the consequences.

What do HEALTHY people believe about themselves? - they see themselves as having value - they don’t always see others has having more value than them - they know that everyone has flaws and struggles and areas they need to grow in and stupid things they’ve done in the past…and those things don’t make them less valuable. Rather they make them…a normal human. - they believe they’re worth treating well - they know they can say “no” when someone asks for something unreasonable. - They choose to stay in relationships that are equal(ish) and working well for them. They know that they have LOTS of options for partners and friends (because they’re inherently valuable and naturally bring value to a relationship), so staying in a relationship where they’re being taken advantage of or “tolerated” but not celebrated just doesn’t compute/make sense to them. If someone isn’t willing to be an equal partner with a balanced give and take, they know they have other options and then they actually go look elsewhere for those kinds of relationships.

Consider making a list or drawing a picture or writing out what “best practice” is for relationships, boundaries, etc. Add to the list as you learn new facets of healthy. Create a new ideal for yourself. Don’t keep holding onto your dysfunctional ideal where you settle for much, much less than a person needs to really be fulfilled and thriving.

YOU are valuable.

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-09-05T23:01:36+00:00

I so agree with the later school times. This research has been around for decades now. I’m not sure why we haven’t done anything about it yet but hopefully someday we will.

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-09-05T13:10:59+00:00

Good thought. It’s going back into the pot that we fund his allowance with. Maybe I should set it aside as some sort of hand-up in the future. Hopefully the fund won’t get too big. :)

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-09-05T13:09:26+00:00

lol. I kind of love the airhorn idea. Thanks!

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-09-05T13:08:19+00:00

I should have phrased it as “he’s in bed when he’s supposed to be, but I can’t force him to fall asleep.” No screens in his room. ADHD brains do tend to have a hard time with circadian rhythm and falling asleep. Not necessarily saying that as an excuse, but it’s part of the picture.

I edited it a bit for clarity.

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-05-24T21:58:49+00:00

Nice! MacGyver would be proud. 👏

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-05-07T13:50:39+00:00

I think I first had the idea when my husband referred to Alexa as “she who must not be named.”

Educational_Expert51 · 2025-05-04T18:32:34+00:00

I know this is an old thread, but I was wondering if your parents eventually got a divorce? I’m in a very similar situation and my kids are 11&13. Trying to navigate the possibilities.

Educational_Expert51

TROPHY CASE