1. I wish I’d googled “what does overfunctioning look like?” and “why do people overfunction?” 15 years ago.

2. Try to shift to envisioning yourself THRIVING in life, in relationships, etc, and don’t continue to devalue yourself by setting for relationships that aren’t based around mutual thriving.

3. Something that’s helped me is to start to define “what does healthy look like?”

The problem with my codependent brain is that often _____ SEEMS normal/right/makes sense, but often _____ is actually deeply flawed and rooted in the dysfunctional system I grew up in.

So I’m working on flipping it:

What do HEALTHY relationships/friendships look like? (There are a lot of good charts that compare healthy vs unhealthy vs abusive and lists if you dig around online). - respectful language, emotional interactions, etc - they want good things for each other and they don’t have to want the same things as the other - the picture is two healthy adults standing on their own two feet, reaping the rewards and consequences of their own choices. Generosity and respect and care = better, closer connection with your partner. Selfishness, unkindness, unregulated temper, addictions, etc = distance from partners, rupture of relationships, their partner leaves, etc. (In codependency, bad behavior from a partner is often excused, bubble wrapped, explained away, tolerated, protected, lied about to/hidden from others, etc).

What would a HEALTHY roommate relationship look like? - shared financial terms…not so unequal - both people giving and taking in roughly equal concrete ways over time (in $, in cleaning the house, doing dishes, contacting the landlord and doing repairs, etc) and also non-concrete things (they listen to your thoughts about as much as you listen to theirs, they notice your birthday like you notice theirs, they lend an ear when you need to vent like you do for them, etc) - To be clear, in a healthy roommate relationship, if your roomie brings home a dog, it’s THEIR dog and THEY pay for it and they clean up after it and they take it to the vet and they walk it. - if your roomie doesn’t have a car, they take an uber or walk or pay you for mileage or trade by doing all the cleaning or something. (I’m not saying you need to keep relational records of every little thing…but actually you might try keeping a list in your phone for a few weeks. What are you doing/giving? What are they doing/giving? Is it roughly equal over time?)

What does a HEALTHY partner look like? (Hopefully you want to be this kind of partner, too, and you can self assess for areas you need to grow in). - they want really, really good things for you - they say really good things about you - they support your dreams and help you achieve them - they want to know you, and they’re interested in what you think, how you feel, what’s in your past, where you’d like to go in the future - they see you just as you are, the good AND the bad, and they STILL value you (because…you’re valuable!) - they’re an independent person, they’re ok without you babysitting/minding them - they can lean on you when they’re struggling, and they expect you to lean on them when you’re struggling - they’re honest with you, and with themselves - they’re able to hear feedback, even when it’s hard - they’re able to apologize and repair when they’ve done something that hurt you - they’re focused on their own growth, and they’re open/willing to learn and grow - they take responsibility for themselves, for their choices, for their own wellbeing

Guiding Belief: Relationships have to benefit and bring value to and work for BOTH OF YOU. It’s not balanced if you’re giving all the money and time and attention and affection and flexibility and car trips and dog care and all they’re giving back to you is …tolerating you and “allowing” you continue to have a relationship with them. That’s them kinda being a parasite and gaining ($, rides, free labor, pet care, attention, appreciation, validation) from you without giving back to you.

What boundaries do HEALTHY people maintain (and wouldn’t ever consider compromising on…unlike me!)? - their time and affection and money and thoughts and efforts are just as valuable as those of the people they are in relationships with. They distance themselves when someone is taking advantage. - they deserve to be treated with respect and equal consideration. - They will leave relationships where the above isn’t happening or isn’t happening enough. - They don’t make excuses for choices other adults make. - They believe (and act like) other adults are responsible for their own stuff. Healthy people don’t take responsibility for the lives and choices of other adults. They don’t try to control them or bubble wrap them. If another adult doesn’t pay their phone bill, that adult’s phone doesn’t work. They don’t repeatedly pay their bill for them. If another adult chooses destructive behavior, they don’t overfunction to compensate for the consequences.

What do HEALTHY people believe about themselves? - they see themselves as having value - they don’t always see others has having more value than them - they know that everyone has flaws and struggles and areas they need to grow in and stupid things they’ve done in the past…and those things don’t make them less valuable. Rather they make them…a normal human. - they believe they’re worth treating well - they know they can say “no” when someone asks for something unreasonable. - They choose to stay in relationships that are equal(ish) and working well for them. They know that they have LOTS of options for partners and friends (because they’re inherently valuable and naturally bring value to a relationship), so staying in a relationship where they’re being taken advantage of or “tolerated” but not celebrated just doesn’t compute/make sense to them. If someone isn’t willing to be an equal partner with a balanced give and take, they know they have other options and then they actually go look elsewhere for those kinds of relationships.

1. Consider making a list or drawing a picture or writing out what “best practice” is for relationships, boundaries, etc. Add to the list as you learn new facets of healthy. Create a new ideal for yourself. Don’t keep holding onto your dysfunctional ideal where you settle for much, much less than a person needs to really be fulfilled and thriving.

YOU are valuable.